To feel upset about sil not breastfeeding?

[wheelygirl]

hi, new here so pls be gentle!

My dh's brother and his wife had a baby boy four days ago. She said she had a lovely birth and was out of hospital the next day.

We visited them yesterday at home and sil was bottle feeding. Now, I don't give a shit how people feed their children, I don't have any kids (am pg)But I got quite upset because her ds kept trying to breastfeed from her. He was refusing the bottle and kept nuzzling into her chest. Her breasts were leaking as well and she told me she was hand expressing and chucking it away. I asked her why she didnt give it to her ds and she told me that she doesn't want him to get used to breast milk. He had the formula milk then vomited it back up five minutes later. He was really crying and it made me feel awful when he was turning his head to her breast and opening his mouth.

She then went on to tell me that he hasn't even had colostrum because it was too much of a faff to get him to latch on. Colostrum is the important stuff right?

Why do I feel so upset about this? I felt her ds was doing something so instinctive and she should at least have tried to breastfeed. I understand that some women have great difficulty breastfeeding and formula is a more than adequate alternative but at least try and do it.

Aibu?

I agree with Mila.

Al0uiseG Sun 17-Jul-11 15:30:12

"Every decision I made was based on my child's wellbeing, I had a premature ds who was in Picu, I expressed Four hourly for 10 days. I then breast fed for 12 months. Ds2 was full term, over 9 pounds and greedy as a piglet I fed him for 12 months. They had dummies so I could recognise hunger over comfort sucking. I fed on demand, my babies welfare was my absolute priority. They are 17 months apart and both teenagers. So yes every decision I made was based on the optimal benefit for the baby."

That's nice for you. Unfortunately, mine weren't

I insisted on carrying on breastfeeding dd though she was failing to thrive and gradually beginning to look like a little skeleton (unable to suckle efficiently due to hypotonia). Eventually she was admitted to hospital. Dd is now a tall 14yo, but I still don't like looking at the photos taken of her at the time.

Three years later I insisted on carrying on breastfeeding ds though it meant having to carry on taking a medicine that turned me into totally zombie-like stage- I could easily have caused a serious accident because I really wasn't with it. In the end, my GP pointed out that all the breastmilk in the world would hardly benefit ds if he got dropped on the head. And that if I stopped taking the medicine I might well die, which again would not exactly be in ds' best interests. A fortright woman- but she was right!

I still think breastfeeding is a great thing- but I have to say I struggle to feel smug about my decisions.

They were not made for the optimal benefits of my babies but for me. You see, I had judged bottle feeding women to a degree where I simply could not bear to be one of them- so I would do anything to avoid it. That taught me that judginess is a dangerous business.

theres a way of talking about breast feeding positively without being a tw@t

Yoodle- Why can someone on here not talk positively about bf without being attacked.

You are not being attacked because of your preference to BF - people justifiably don't like to be called non maternal just because they want to BF.

That should say FF at end

I'm looking at my 6 foot 3 healthy 16 year old son and struggling to see a reason why he would haves been better off breast fed

Please tell me why I am talking out of my arse, what bit is wrong?

I loved every minute, you didn't so what, why am I in the wrong?

I was shocked by your comment and I reacted, what makes me so bad about that? I am sure many would be shocked too.

If my reaction was mean then I am sorry I just typed what I felt as I read it. I am not a bad person, you do not know me. I work and help many people from all backgrounds, I only give on my days.

Having children so close like must be hard work and I can not imagine how I would cope, but I could never feel what you said. I have a right to say that as you do.

I dont think anyone who ff would say fm is better than bm. Obviously it not. I certaintly wouldnt judges anyone for BF. Why would i, i havent really got a leg to stand on. But i do agree that some of the comments i have seen to mothers who FF are disgusting. On one thread about a woman BF whilst taking drugs i said why not FF. Not because FF is superior or because of anything being in her BM. I made the comment that it was probably better to FF if she was intoxicated and due to the safety aspect. I got told to shut up as i FF mine and i may as well have gave them crack

clearly, lovesicecream you would love him more! do keep up

Yoodle - as others have said, your post to Milea is one of the most unpleasant things I've ever read here. Absolutely judgemental, smug and vicious.

And re people loathing the newborn stage - some of the most devoted, loving mothers AND fathers I've ever met have said the same thing. It's about hating the constant - and shocking if the baby is your 1st - tiredness. The unbelievable demands, both physical and emotional and the lack of one's self. Doesn't mean you don't get used to it and the love you get / feel overtakes.

I applaud women who feed and care for their children - both BF and FF. But you are so firmly entrenched in your position that you appear to find it impossible to even consider how vile your comments have been.

I can see how yoodle was a it shocked by what Mila said - but I can see that those of us who have older children and a hard time of it with newborns aren't so misty-eyed about it all. Yoodle - it sounds to me like you have a youngish baby and are finding it all lovely, which is nice.

As cory said - the thing that affected my bonding with DS1 most was my inabilty to bf. Not formula feeding itself, but the mis-placed guilt I felt, which is why people react so strongly to posts like your yoodle.

Just come back and caught up. Shocked doesn't cover it.

Now i'm feeling sad for all thee newborns who really are not enjoyed by their parents. I really have so little in common with most of the people on Mumsnet these days.

Mine are teenagers now and they were only 17 months apart, it was hard and i was tired, I also had a workaholic husband building a business who did very little domestically or with the babies. Its relentless but its not brain surgery, how hard can it be to love and care for your own child and be happy about it.

must type slower.....

where does anyone say they dont love and care for thier child? The Mother earth t-shirt doesnt come naturally to come, and my halo is slightly wonky and most definatly dented, it can be an absolute shock this parenting malarky! We all do the best job we can, what harm is there in admitting that we find a certain stage hard?

Yoodle - your post was totally uncalled for.

Something happens to a woman when they have a baby which makes them incredibly protective of their child and defensive of their way of nurturing their child.
Some women feel that they have to vindicate their choices and this is sometimes done by dismissing other's choices as second rate.
I'm sure that this debate has been going on forever... Before formula there were wet nurses... A mother not able to produce milk relied on them otherwise the baby wouldn't survive.
People should do what is best for both mother and baby IMO.

i ifeel sad for the daughters and future daughter in laws when they get pregnant - it can be really hard to love and care for your own children in difficult circumstances. what an ignorant thing to say.

Forgot to add. My dd7 has had a years worth of speech therapy due to a large gap between her top and bottom teeth where the dummy was. She had a dummy when she started to learn to talk so some words where the tounge hits the roof of the mouth she pronounces wrong. So car comes out har.

If anyones using a dummy i would get it off them when there teeth are through. I had to fight with dd3 to get hers off her incase the same thring happened. The speech therapist and the dentist have said that this happens to some but not all kids with dummies. I think dd2 had hers for too long TBH.

Is there now some law on MN that means if you find a certain stage of your children's lives pretty challenging and maybe even quite horrendous to deal with, you are therefore not maternal. I love my DCs more than life itself, but I could quite easily have jacked the whole parenting thing in at times when my DD was 3yo. I didn't of course, but there were many times I dreamt about walking out for the sake of my sanity!!!

And as for bfing, there isn't some divide between those who bf and move quickly to ff, and those who bf for 12m. I bf my DCs for nearly a year each, and I loved it after the first few months, but with both DCs (bizarrely worse with DC2 despite my 'experience') the first few weeks were horrific. And although I wouldn't go back and change anything, I do wonder whether I would have been a calmer mother, who enjoyed the newborn stage more, if I had FF. I can EASILY see why people give up bfing in the first few weeks, and I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing.

AlouiseG - you are patronising to say you are sad for people who are not ' enjoying their babies.'

I am sad that some children grow up with little nurturing from other members if the family, dads, grandparents, aunts, uncles...

Al0uiseg - read the posts correctly if you're goig to critique them.

Like I said, 'the love you get / feel overtakes'.

Is it really so difficult to comprehend that others have different experiences to you? That they love and cherish their children as much as you do yours but do things differently to you? And that their kids are happy, loved, rounded individuals who do not need your patronising sympathy.

My children are 8, 5 and 18mths and I never felt like that. Of course especially with my first it was over whelming and tiring at first.

I do not think there are many who do not find it hard at first.

I still think her comment was shocking and what I said is an image I had in my head after I read it so that why I wrote it. I do not know the background of her life, nothing. I am simply reacting to that. I know many people would feel the same.

The general message on this thread appears to be the Mothers needs and wants are far more important than the childs and the newborn stage is horrendous.

What a shame.