To feel upset about sil not breastfeeding?

[wheelygirl]

hi, new here so pls be gentle!

My dh's brother and his wife had a baby boy four days ago. She said she had a lovely birth and was out of hospital the next day.

We visited them yesterday at home and sil was bottle feeding. Now, I don't give a shit how people feed their children, I don't have any kids (am pg)But I got quite upset because her ds kept trying to breastfeed from her. He was refusing the bottle and kept nuzzling into her chest. Her breasts were leaking as well and she told me she was hand expressing and chucking it away. I asked her why she didnt give it to her ds and she told me that she doesn't want him to get used to breast milk. He had the formula milk then vomited it back up five minutes later. He was really crying and it made me feel awful when he was turning his head to her breast and opening his mouth.

She then went on to tell me that he hasn't even had colostrum because it was too much of a faff to get him to latch on. Colostrum is the important stuff right?

Why do I feel so upset about this? I felt her ds was doing something so instinctive and she should at least have tried to breastfeed. I understand that some women have great difficulty breastfeeding and formula is a more than adequate alternative but at least try and do it.

Aibu?

alouiseg, dummies and thumbsucking still affect tooth position as they shift the palate and upper arch forward which brings the teeth forward. the adult teeth then erupt at age 6 and follow the altered path of the baby teeth then ending up misaligned. if that makes any sense. interestingly breastfeeding doesnt affect positioning as much as baby tends to suck from back of mouth. however prolonged breastfeeding can cause decay but thats another story!

Erm non of my 3 ever tried to latch onto my breast through my clothes and like you say her baby so her choice

OP are you 100% sure you are going to be able to breastfeed then?

Pinklizzie that's what I meant. That there are growing concerns about breast feeding because we live in such a contaminated world. Sorry if I didn't explain myself well. Take the PCB example I gave earlier. PCBs are now banned because of the damage they do to babies. But the entire planet is now contaminated to some degree.

PCB contamination is measured as a matter of course in formula and steps are taken to reduce the levels. Research has shown that on average PCB levels are therefore much higher in breastmilk (10x). Therefore to blanket state nobody can dispute the fact that breastmilk is better is incorrect.

I don't mean this as an attack, just a rhetorical question to make people think, how many of the women who have breast fed can say with any confidence what the level of PCBs are in their breastmilk? With that in mind is it really fair to ridicule anyone who doesn't accept the 'breast is best' mantra?

OP for reference when you have DC

Best for baby/child in terms of health and development, according to many areas of research:
breastfeeding
having enough food of a high nutritional value, whatever the source
no TV
stimulation (not too much, not too little, and from the appropriate source)
no dummy/thumb
attachment
independence
a good relationship with grandparents who preferably live nearby
grandparents who do not undermine parents in any way
mum staying at home to nurture your child's development
mum working to show your child a good role model and have a good standard of living
exposure to lots of other children to increase confidence
small groups so your child feels secure
male role model
no exposure to any adults who may not be good role models
no exposure to smoke, car fumes, paint fumes, generally not city living
living in the city with access to a wide range of activities and opportunities
small school (with a family like feel and everyone knows each other)
large school (with a range of activities and choice of friends)
no junk food, chemicals, rotting teeth, obesity
everything in moderation otherwise they will have eating disorders
a regimented sleeping routine (children who don't get enough sleep go on to have all sorts of problems)
a relaxed approach to sleep (children who are left to cry go on to have all sorts of problems)

These are off the top of my head. So when you have achieved all of these things, get back to us.

I can understand why the idealistic side of you was a bit sad, but don't feel sad for her child, feel sad for your own children when you realise that with all the conflicting information you will get, you are unlikely to do the best for them in every area at all time. THAT is what we struggle with as parents, we shouldn't have to justlfy ourselves constantly. YABU.

passes out

I would feel a bit troubled by it also

I agree with that post DingDong - and MilaMae's which follow a similar line of reasoning. When your DCs are 8 and 10 it's hard to care as much. I am sorry for those of you who are very close to this and struggling with BF/FF. I'd say that once you have made your peace with it. your choice will be the best one.

There's a little part of me that wants the OP to update us when her baby is 4 days old, when every bloody person she has ever known has come to visit, demanding cups of tea and saying how tired she looks etc etc just to see if her views have changed. Not just so we can all say 'ha ha! Told you so' but so she won't put so much pressure to be perfect on herself too.

Soverylucky :o !!! I think even the mumsnet lot think some opinions are a bit odd as they have deleted them!!!

Dingdong :o

I do agree bm is not always best, I was shocked to see one mum breast feeding and smoking (obviously not at the sanme time). Breast milk with nicotine???

When I am bf I eat veryy healthy diet and really take care of myself, as soon as I finish I never put in the same effort. I avoid all processed foods except for cheeses. I use natural body products and do not cover myself in chemicals. So I know my bm is of a good quality. When bf its important you think about what you are eating and what you are exposing yourself to. Because of course you milk can be effected.

Someone earlier said they hate the bonding/bf issue. I have to disagree with this one. Many people I know who chose not to bf because they wanted to share it more with their partner or were worried about looking after other sibling too. I found these mums just did not like the idea of baby relying on them for feeds. I can not understand this myself and I guess it comes down to them not being very maternal. For me my baby is for me to nurture, hold and care for 24 hours! Dh had to wait for his cuddles, of course this stage passes quite quickly. My last baby fed every two hours until she was 10 mths. This is did not bother me at all, she fed so quick (after 4 months) and it was just part of my day.

Some people would comment and ask how i cope with it, it must drive me mad etc. It was not a problem to me, I have two other children who were looked after and babies feeds just fitted around what we were doing. I could feed anywhere, I even once fed her, standing whilst choppping a carrot :)

Getting back to the mums who did wanted to share the responsibilities, I found these mums hekd their babies alot less them me and bf friends. They fed their baby alot less themselves, passing them to whoever was visiting to feed, their partners seemed to do the majority of feeds and changing etc. Those early weeks are important for bonding, the more a mum bonds the chances of pnd are reduced. I know with my first baby I was so shocked with teh lack of sleep, i remember crying feeling like was dying with exhaustion. I remember 4am in the morning, dh holding our baby telling me i need to feed her, i was crying as he passed her to me, but as i fed her and watched her face suckling away i just felt the love and it made it feel ok.

But i know if i was ff I would have begged dh to feed her so i could have just slept. i would have got my mum to come ane help me. so much less bonding would have taken place.

I watched a few of my friends do this, get their mums to help, they slept or went out alone, one mum i know went away for a week when her baby was 12 days old!!!!

Another friend i know flew her mum over for when her baby was born, when ever i went to see her, her mother was holding the baby and feeding her. her mother did all the night feeds. when she left when the baby was 3months, my friend was in shock dealing with it all and you could see it was so hard for her. those early weeks are for mother and baby. I do believe bf makes it possible for mum and baby to connect better because you have to!

BUT not all bf feeding mums pass the buck to everyone else and the bonding is not effected. I am just talking about the ones who choose to feed less themselves.

ooop last sentence should be:

BUT not all FORMULA FEEDING mums pass the buck to everyone else and the bonding is not effected. I am just talking about the ones who choose to feed less themselves.

yoodle - you are entitled to your opinion. I was someone who chose to FF, but to be fair did do the lions share of the feeding.But I'd say 2 things

1. It's wonderful to look into your baby's eyes when they are feeding from a bottle
2. Lack of sleep contributes to feeling totally rubbish and being unable to care with an even temper for a baby and a toddler

Rang a friend of a friend and I'm going to get my BM analysed. (Thats breast milk,not bowel motion.I don't know Gillian McKeith).
I will be very interested in the results and to see if my BM is actually safe.

As for dummys I would much rather pay for braces than run the risk of SIDS.

3. I know people for whom the bond between baby and father was delayed/affected by breastfeeding. Not all, but some

And BTW I am sure there are many adoptive parents who would not appreciate comments such as ''choosing second best'' and questioning their bond.

Woopy do Yoodle lack of sleep made me ill and I simply couldn't function we're all built differently and guess what some of us don't think the newborn stage is the be all and end all of a child's life.

I loath the newborn stage with it's mewling,non stop hollering and devouring of boobs.It was pretty much the most hideous thing I've experienced of motherhood to date.

Too bloody right I elbowed dp to help out with night feeds. With 3 under 15 months I'd have been dead if I didn't and most certainly not able to cope with caring for said babies in the day.

"Passing the buck" oh do fuck off!!!!

I have a fantastic connection with my 3 as I'm not sure if you're aware but motherhood involves an awful lot more than 2 hourly feeds during the newborn stage.

Jamieagain - I find that very hard to believe! Most people tend tp bf for less than a year. I bf my three 8mths, 10mths and 13mths. Yes my partner did not have the same relationship as me at the beginning but he had his time after and they are all very close to him. He is a great daddy and very hands on.

I fed, he changed nappies and looked after other children whilst i fed babies. He gave lots of cuddles between feeds etc.

The lack of sleep is going to get you ff or bf anyway but if you are ff it is easier for you to pass the baby and so thats less time for your bonding. I am only talking about early weeks here. Another friend i had her 2nd baby very close to her 1st. She was worried about her 1st so dh basically looked after the new baby all time. I could really see how she was not connected to her. She hardly held her. It was only months later i could see them bonding.

4. Perhaps you'd define it as "not maternal". but I was not a person who was happy to hold a baby fro 24 hours, and more importantly, nor did either of mine seem to need that from me

yoodle - I'm not denying that happens. Would you deny that some women do not get the same gratification from BF, and can't wait to give up?

All these things can and do happen.

I don't judge though

Er I know plenty who hated bf sooooo much they resented their baby every time they had to endure it-me included.

Jamie is right.

Jamie again you're right 1 of my twins hated being disturbed(I was the same as a baby apparently)and manhandled.

We all have different bodies,babies and circumstances.One size does not fit all so quit with your incorrect and tedious lecturing Yoodle.

i dont mean holding 24 hours.

i do agree with you that you should only feed if you want to as they sense your feelings so of course a happy mummy is more important. nobody should push themselves through it if they dont like it.