To feel upset about sil not breastfeeding?

[wheelygirl]

hi, new here so pls be gentle!

My dh's brother and his wife had a baby boy four days ago. She said she had a lovely birth and was out of hospital the next day.

We visited them yesterday at home and sil was bottle feeding. Now, I don't give a shit how people feed their children, I don't have any kids (am pg)But I got quite upset because her ds kept trying to breastfeed from her. He was refusing the bottle and kept nuzzling into her chest. Her breasts were leaking as well and she told me she was hand expressing and chucking it away. I asked her why she didnt give it to her ds and she told me that she doesn't want him to get used to breast milk. He had the formula milk then vomited it back up five minutes later. He was really crying and it made me feel awful when he was turning his head to her breast and opening his mouth.

She then went on to tell me that he hasn't even had colostrum because it was too much of a faff to get him to latch on. Colostrum is the important stuff right?

Why do I feel so upset about this? I felt her ds was doing something so instinctive and she should at least have tried to breastfeed. I understand that some women have great difficulty breastfeeding and formula is a more than adequate alternative but at least try and do it.

Aibu?

The jury is still out on BF, sorry.

Current dummy advice

HairyFrotter Sun 17-Jul-11 15:08:11
Totally agree Jamie. I always say that breastmilk is best - whether breastfeeding is best depends on the circumstances.

Excellent post. THAT is the point a lot of people seem to be missing. Anyone who tried to dispute that breast milk isn't the best thing would be nuts. Of course it is. But is it still beneficial to bf if it's to the detriment of the mother?

Also, this country seems to be torn about the message it gives about bf. I tried to donate my milk to my hospital; but they looked at me as if I were totally nuts and a bit gross. If I couldn't have bf-ed at all, I certainly would've considered donated milk from a bottle... But many places don't have that option. I think this gives mixed messages tbh.

It doesn't make me feel bad Joric that strangers on the internet who know very little about me feel the need to pass judgement on my decisions. I feel sorry for them that they feel the need to do that tbh. I also feel sorry for them that they are going to give themselves one hell of a hard time when their parenting inevitably falls below their standards of perfection.

[Goes to make cup of tea and thinks about the damage all that dummy sucking had on DD]

Poor girl being judged by you.
I hope you are able to breast feed especially when there are 10 people in your house judging you.

You will look back and cringe at your pre baby judgemental ways.

I didn't breast feed at all because I couldn't and I still get people saying well if you'd had the right help you could have...umm no I couldn't!! My children have never even been on antibiotics and are fit as can be.

Colostrum and breast feeding is great if you can do it but it won't matter if you can't.

I think breast milk and breast feeding are two separate issues.

BTW hairy, it's the fact that they most likely air their evangelical opinions in real life too that upsets me...

At the end of the day it is her child and her choice, it isn't really anyone elses business whether or not she breastfeeds.

That being said I would probably feel uncomfortable in that situation.

And Alouise you are reinforcing my view that when people know they don't have an argument they resort to insults.

:o

Now, I actually do care how people feed their children, I think the current famine situation is absolutely appalling.

And in developing countries the evidence clearly demonstrates the positive effects of breastfeeding and widely spaced births on infant survival. I also believe in the benefits of the virgin gut. So yes to me the way babies are fed is important.

I also can't imagine anything worse that not being able to feed my baby or god forbid having to somehow choose between children to seek help.

Anyway thinking back in a western world context - despite being extremely well nourished, I had a PPH. It took a long while for my supply to build up and for me to get the hang of bf. I certainly would not judge anyone else. I was unprepared that I would pretty much need to feed my baby every 2 hours for around 4 months, as he was a real guzzler. I only kept it up because I had a supportive DH and wanted to keep feeding. I too was probably a bit unprepared for just how others judge new mums.

All that said I think the Op's post is completely out of order. How do we know that her sil actually did want to discuss her "lovely birth' - I mean how lovely was it? Saying at least try and do it? - OP you are making out that your sil has failed - you even asking about her feeding choices with a 4 day old to contend with and a house full of visitors is just completely and utterly out of order.

YAB completely U and unsupportive of a new mum.

Alouise... You have got to be joking!!!!! I have just wasted time replying to you.....am I extra intelligent because I did it for 3 years??????

Why would they be nuts for disputing it? Breastmilk contains levels of Chlordane, DDT, Dieldrin, Aldrin, Endrin, Hexachlorocyclohexane, Heptachlor, Mirex, Nitromusks, Toxaphene, Dioxins, Furans, PBDEs, PCBs, Solvents, Theobromine, Lead, Mercury, Cadmium and other metals that if found in formula would result in prosecution and imprisionment. The notion that 'breast is best' is a policy decision based on risk analysis not an indisputable scientific fact.

A scientific paper showing that even the World Health Organisation recognise that there is growing concern about the risks of breastfeeding amongst scientific and health professionals:
ehp03.niehs.nih.gov/article/fetchArticle.action?articleURI=info:doi/10.1289/ehp.021100349

That article concludes that the policy of 'breast is best' should remain but that there are risks and people have to make informed choices.

Breast milk is superior to formula, it's the most natural choice and I think that in a perfect world, the numbers of bf would be higher.

But it's not a perfect world, bad things happen to people, they get sick, they struggle... Any number of reasons, and if a woman does not bf for any reason then she should be supported in that choice.

Kladdkaka oh dear - you have assumed a rather limited interpretation of the paper that you linked to.

Growing concern about the risks of bfing or the risks of living in a contaminated environment which impact the entire population????

"We conclude that in cases where there is a high degree of pollution from chemical sources occurring simultaneously in a bacterially contaminated environment, the choice is not simply between polluted breast milk and risk-free substitutes. Rather, informed choice is based on assessing the known and unknown risks of artificial feeding versus the unknown, but potential, risks of chemical contamination of breast milk. Clearly, the possible toxicity of compounds requires further investigation. Of much greater importance, however, are effective measures to protect the environment for the entire population by controlling the use of these toxic products. "

But kladdkaka that article suggests that bm may not be compatible for women who have been exposed to various toxins or disease, and that wasn't really what I was driving at tbh.
Thank you for posting it though, it is interesting and definitely a link I will copy down for future use.

I think ppl should stop judging. You dont know the backstory, they arent your kids. Butt out.
Some judgey wankers made me feel too awful the first time i took dd2 out and got a bottle out. I didnt go out again for months.
They didnt know i had bf my other 3.
They didnt know dd2 was horribly brain damaged
They didnt fucking know she couldnt suck or latch on.
And yet they opnened their big judgey gobs and judged out loud.

Probably the same sort who object or stare when i use dds feeding tube in public. Only now i just tell them to stop being so fucking rude.

I understand how you feel and yes I would feel about it, but it is none of your business really.

I wish my breasts were leaky like that with dd, and that dd wanted my breast, total opposite. I am pg with dc2 lets hope that I am able to bf and that my norks leak copious amounts of milk

What the hell riven?! People actually dare to object when you tube feed your dd?

Its her baby and her choice how she feeds her baby!!
Just like when you have your baby its upto you how you decide to feed your baby. Tbh im not sure why you are making a big deal if you dont really care how she feeds her baby.

Anyways as long as the baby Is cared for and looked after thats what matters!

Best or not what gives you the right to judge how other people feed their babies? It's no body's business how someone else chooses to feed, what makes some people who breast feed think they can look down or be rude about the choices someone else makes, i say get a life and stop forcing your opinion on others, you don't get ff mothers judging or questioning your decisions