To feel humiliated.

[Tomatefarcie]

This morning, while dropping DD1 (7) off, I overheard her say something nasty to another little girl. I was just on my way out so came back to the little lobby where they hang their coats. I gave her a gentle telling off, she apologized to the little girl, but a 3rd girl joined in and started having a go at the other girl.

I asked them all to stop, which they did. They went in their classroom, and I started making my way out. I then overheard the girls starting to bicker again, so walked in the classroom, smiled at DD's teacher, said to her (with a smile), "the girls are bickering". I then turned to the 3 girls, and said "come on girls, it's a beautiful day out there, don't waste it bickering, shake hands and smile!", in a very light hearted manner. The girls did just that, smiled and went to sit down.

The teachers were almost next to me, heard the whole thing (which lasted 2 minutes). They smiled at me and off I went.

At 2:15 this afternoon, I received a phone call from the headmistress. Basically, DD's teacher felt overwhelmed by me talking to the girls, it should not have happened, and gave me a stern telling off. I was so shocked that I didn't even think of anything to reply. I did say that the teachers were next to me almost, and I made eye contact with them, and smiled. She kept on nonetheless.

So at pickup earlier, I went to see DD's teacher. the conversation was very awkward on my part as she had huge mirrored aviator sunglasses on, which prevented me from seeing her eyes completely. Anyway, she said that I shouldnt have done what I did, that I intimidated the children by telling them off, was loud, and made a show of it. I was - and still am- stunned.

I was in such good mood, didn't tell them off as such, just playfully asked them to shake hands and stop bickering, which took me less time than it did typing it just now.I had no idea that what I was doing was wrong, (was it?), let the teachers know what it was about (the bickering), and was smiled at the both the teacher and the TA.

The way DD's teacher talked to me at pickup time made me feel that big (I got treated to "make sure it doesn't happen again" for example), and I thought a huge mountain had been made out of a molehill by involving the headmistress. I did ask her why she didn't come and see me straight away, or at least sort of signal me to stop, or come over and ask "is everything ok?". she said "because it was the morning".

I must admit to having this humiliation feeling, and I'm honestly dreading September as she will then be DD2's teacher!

I'm sitting on my hands not to write an email to the Head. AIBU?

I have numerous times said that I shouldn't have entered the classroom. I won't go back through the thread and quote times of posts.

I now challenge parents of under 7s to come on this thread and say their kids have never had an argument with another kid or answered back to anyone. Maybe you would like to go and voice your opinion on the thread about kids hitting their parents?

None of us really knows what actually happened or from every different perspective, as we weren't there. It is therefore completely uncalled for to criticise the OP.

What we do know is that the headteacher made her feel humiliated. She now knows that probably half the staff room think she's ' that annoying parent' The school therefore now have one wary and unhappy parent who isn't going to be supporting the school with as much enthusiasm as before.

So, did the staff handle it well ?

It sounds very strange that at age 7 'all the parents' (op's words) accompany their children into the cloakroom. Really? In most schools I imagine half the parents would already be at work and any parents or childminders doing the drop off would simply wave goodbye at the gate.

Anyway, in a sense, if 'all' the parents come to the cloakroom but you were the only one to Intervene and follow the girls into the classroom, it actually adds weight to the argument that you are being overbearing and interfering. I expect the other mums are happy to let the girls sort out their own squabbles at that age, and for the teacher to deal with anything above and behind a normal 'bicker' such as outright nastiness. Sorry op but it does sound as though the school see you as overbearing. You admit that after this incident you approached the teacher again that afternoon, and are posting on here to ask if you should follow up with an email!! Way OTT - you don't Want to be known as the parent from hell, back off now for your dds sake

My thread wasn't about being right or wrong by the way, nor was it titled "is my daughter a bully?", but just about voicing my humiliation at being told off like a child. I would have taken an "adult" bollocking on the chin, apologised and moved on.

if you do not want anyone to have an opinion that differs from yours on what you have done and to take it on board then i suggest you do not put it on a public forum [hmmm]

especially asking if you have been unreasonable

Ok, OP undermined the teacher in a slightly ridiculous way and the teacher stupidly got drawn into a wierd middle-class woman power struggle over a bunch of 7-year-old girls.

However, I would just ignore the awful head teacher. My mother was a primary school head teacher and has real issues remembering to deal with adults in an adult way. It has caused some problems with our relationship as adults. She was completely out of order to call you up to tell you off and that's that.

Aprilbear, you're analysing minute details. We were early, and there was no one else around. Only a couple of kids were in dd's classroom, no one were sitting at the tables.

Other people were just starting to arrive.

Fair enough, working parents and probably others don't drop their children in the hall, although a vast majority do. Thank you for pointing out this very, very relevant bit of information.

aprilbear if I hear my DD saying something nasty to another child I SAY something about it. Do you let it go ?

I repeat. How can any of us judge whether she was being overbearing. We weren't there !

If the teacher has an unwritten rule about parent behaviour and she realises the parent doesn't know the rule, all she has to do is pleasantly say it. No need to get a HEAD to call and make the parent feel humiliated.

I'm going now. What is this country coming to ? I'm not even a DM reader.

Freudian Slipper, are you drunk?

However, I would just ignore the awful head teacher. My mother was a primary school head teacher and has real issues remembering to deal with adults in an adult way. It has caused some problems with our relationship as adults. She was completely out of order to call you up to tell you off and that's that

OK, hannahhack I think that's it in a nutshell.

how pathetic

I have taken onboard what people have said on this thread, and read each post with interest -some with shock too.

I agree that I shouldn't have stepped into the classroom but certainly do not regret "interfering" in the girls' argument. Had I posted about a similar story and said the girls were arguing but I walked away, people would be outraged!

I am confused now- were the parents of the other children there or not? If not, then clearly not all parents follow their children into school, and if they were there, clearly they decided to let the children and/or teacher sort out the bickering themselves. In other words, there was something about your behaviour which is different to other parents and Which the school doesn't like and wants to stop. In terms of overthinking it- as I said, you approached the teacher at the end of the day, you are overanalysing details like her large sunglasses which you assume were worn as some sort of strategy to make you feel uncomfortable (really I expect it was hayfever !) and you're even thinking of following up with an email AND already worrying about your next child going into that class. That is way too much of a burden to place on your children. Just back off and they will be fine

Freudian, you don't seem to have realised that I have admitted that I was wrong to go in the classroom (quite early on in the thread). I posted here to get People's opinions and took them onboard. Yet get a character assassination from you?

April ear, no strategy about sunglasses at all, I never said anything like that?!

The other children (with whom dd was arguing) had already been dropped off by their parents and were standing by their pegs.

Someone mentioned the OP seemed unhinged. I'm sorry but the way some people are talking about classrooms here sounds quite unhinged to me! When did the classroom become forbidden for parents to enter? and what is wrong with a mother bringing her child into school?

When I was at school teachers welcomed parents into the classroom and actually had chats with them!

Why mention the sunglasses then? You clearly seem to think it's relevant . You did not have a pre arranged formal meeting with the teacher- you said you approached her at the end of the day. How are her sunglasses relevant? If they aren't, why mention them?!!

I was about to post that i agree with Freudian. She doesn't sound drunk to me

character assassination

really because from your posts i have formed an opinion that maybe you need to be a little more aware of how you come across

i have not once said you are a bully, being dramatic i just do not agree with how you behaved and made a suggestion, you asked aibu

and are you drunk remark and you accuse me of making a character assassination

Ok, maybe there is something different about tomatoes behaviour. I don't get it myself, but maybe it is different fom the way other parents at the school behave. But it's not REALLY bad is it ? It's not sweary and shouty and horrible. She was defending another child because her child had been nasty. She stepped into the classroom. The teacher might not have liked it, but it's not AWFUL, just maybe a bit annoying. Something the teacher could have dealt with by saying 'oh dear, I'll deal with this now' Not something the headteacher had to make a phone call about.

There are so many SERIOUS issues to deal with as a teacher. This is not one of them.

Sunglasses were relevant at the time as I couldn't make eye contact with the teacher at all, they were the mirrored kind. It did bother me.

You seem like the voice of reason Finallyspring!

(I bet you get really nice presents from parents at the end of the year :o)

I understand why mirrored sunglasses in a classroom would have been off putting. They must have added to the feeling that she had done something SO bad by speaking to her DD about being nasty to another child (in the classroom-OMG how awful a parent in the classroom !) That the teacher just couldn't make eye contact and btw had to send the police in too, in the form of the headteacher.

Ok, I'm sure the teacher actually had an eye infection, hay fever or whatever. But come on give the OP a break !

Finallyspring says it for me. YANBU - as a teacher myself, I don't know why the teacher didn't have enough about her (given that the classroom was empty) to walk over and join in with the "Yes, girls, come on, be nice/sunny day" routine. What's her problem? The headteacher was VUR. Even if she'd have had a problem with what you'd done, she should have had a quiet word and explained her position with the dignity and respect you deserve as a parent. Dreadful woman! Still, you're going to have to move on from this, hold your head high and try to forget about it, if you're going to keep your children at this school. Failing that, you could write to governors and ask for an apology from the head for the way she dealt with this issue.