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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel humiliated.

258 replies

Tomatefarcie · 15/07/2011 18:08

This morning, while dropping DD1 (7) off, I overheard her say something nasty to another little girl. I was just on my way out so came back to the little lobby where they hang their coats. I gave her a gentle telling off, she apologized to the little girl, but a 3rd girl joined in and started having a go at the other girl.

I asked them all to stop, which they did. They went in their classroom, and I started making my way out. I then overheard the girls starting to bicker again, so walked in the classroom, smiled at DD's teacher, said to her (with a smile), "the girls are bickering". I then turned to the 3 girls, and said "come on girls, it's a beautiful day out there, don't waste it bickering, shake hands and smile!", in a very light hearted manner. The girls did just that, smiled and went to sit down.

The teachers were almost next to me, heard the whole thing (which lasted 2 minutes). They smiled at me and off I went.

At 2:15 this afternoon, I received a phone call from the headmistress. Basically, DD's teacher felt overwhelmed by me talking to the girls, it should not have happened, and gave me a stern telling off. I was so shocked that I didn't even think of anything to reply. I did say that the teachers were next to me almost, and I made eye contact with them, and smiled. She kept on nonetheless.

So at pickup earlier, I went to see DD's teacher. the conversation was very awkward on my part as she had huge mirrored aviator sunglasses on, which prevented me from seeing her eyes completely. Anyway, she said that I shouldnt have done what I did, that I intimidated the children by telling them off, was loud, and made a show of it. I was - and still am- stunned.

I was in such good mood, didn't tell them off as such, just playfully asked them to shake hands and stop bickering, which took me less time than it did typing it just now.I had no idea that what I was doing was wrong, (was it?), let the teachers know what it was about (the bickering), and was smiled at the both the teacher and the TA.

The way DD's teacher talked to me at pickup time made me feel that big (I got treated to "make sure it doesn't happen again" for example), and I thought a huge mountain had been made out of a molehill by involving the headmistress. I did ask her why she didn't come and see me straight away, or at least sort of signal me to stop, or come over and ask "is everything ok?". she said "because it was the morning".

I must admit to having this humiliation feeling, and I'm honestly dreading September as she will then be DD2's teacher!

I'm sitting on my hands not to write an email to the Head. AIBU?

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 16/07/2011 08:53

'This year was her first placement.'

So now you mention a key fact. She's an NQT. That explains a lot, including the intervention of the head.

Cretaceous · 16/07/2011 09:14

Surely this is ineptitude from the head?

The OP didn't mean any harm. Teacher was an NQT, may have mentioned it in passing to the head, along with other problems. Surely the head, who must be an experienced teacher, could have handled it much better.

I feel sorry for OP and NQT.

ChopMonster · 16/07/2011 10:10

I think the fact that you want to go and speak to the head explains why the teacher spoke to the head. The teacher might not have known that the head was going to call you.

You obviously had good intentions but it wasn't really your place. Mountain out of a molehill springs to mind. Regardless of whether the other girl is usually "dishing it out" you should've been honest about your DD being nasty.

Original poster
Tomatefarcie · 16/07/2011 10:15

I did tell her!

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 10:20

If she is an NQT she probably felt that you were being critical and felt that she should have been doing something.I think you were just looking at it in entirely different ways. NQTs are sensitive and don't get training with dealing with parents.

Goblinchild · 16/07/2011 10:21

Ok, with regards as to how the head spoke to you.
Do you have a reputation (you may not even know if you do) amongst staff for being a confident, assertive parent who pays great attention to details?
Picks up on any mistakes and follows through?
If you are, the head may have been over-emphatic because you brought out her protective streak towards an NQT dealing with a difficult parent.
Is the head usually reasonable, with good relationships with parents?

Original poster
Tomatefarcie · 16/07/2011 10:42

I think i may have a reputation of being a bit of a joker if anything, but that's about it. I get on extremely well with DD2's teachers, never had a problem in previous years with DD1's.

OP posts:
InTheNightKitchen · 16/07/2011 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Tomatefarcie · 16/07/2011 10:45

The Head is really nice, she loves the children and knows each and everyone's names. She was appointed last year only but I have only praise for her so far (until yesterday that is).

OP posts:
notsobusylizzy · 16/07/2011 10:51

IntheNightKitchen makes a good point; my DD has had some problems with two little witches girls in her class recently. The teacher is aware of this and dealing with it, I would be none-too-pleased if a parent had got my DD to shake hands with either of these girls after they'd been having a go at her .

diddl · 16/07/2011 10:52

The teacher probably went to the head for advice & the head said that she would deal with it.

Probably, like some of us here, she is stunned that you would do such a thing & wanted to make sure that you absolutely realised that-with no ifs & buts.

notsobusylizzy · 16/07/2011 10:52

Should read they'd been having a go at her

pigletmania · 16/07/2011 10:57

Yes but there is not need for the headteacher to be rude and unprofessional to the OP

Goblinchild · 16/07/2011 11:01

We don't know what the really nice head teacher who loves all the children said to the OP, only that she felt told off.
So I doubt that she was foolish enough to be either rude or unprofessional to a parent, merely that she re-established boundaries and the OP felt humiliated.

Original poster
Tomatefarcie · 16/07/2011 12:05

She wasn't rude to me as such.

I just feel like an adult "word" would have been more than enough. As I said before, I completely accept that I should have stayed away. However, I don't appreciate being talked to like a child, "let this be a lesson", and all the kids' terminology.

I am not covering up for my daughter, I told the teacher why I was involved in the first place without hesitation. There is no bullying, the girls were having an argument, and I happened to hear my dd say something mean within the argument. Whoever is branding my dd a "bully" must have extremely well behaved children who never argue amongst each other. Hmm

The other girl's mum is always at her wits end with her, the little girl is always excluded to other classes as she is so disruptive. There was no history of bullying or even problems between her and my dd in particular. In fact we went on a school trip recently and the three of them were in my group, we had a great time. They all got on very well, and the usually troublesome girl was nothing but polite and nice to me and the rest of the group. We are talking about 3 girls having an argument, no need to bring in more sinister things, a history of nasty bullying, cover-ups by a difficult parent, etc. Bollocks.

I shall now leave this thread, thank you to all participitants.

OP posts:
InTheNightKitchen · 16/07/2011 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToothbrushThief · 16/07/2011 12:56

167 messages about this incidence?

This is exactly the sort of fall out the school could have to deal with if another mum complained about your behaviour. But tbh I think you get that now OP :)

I recognise you did it in good faith. I would personally ask to speak to both head and teacher together and just clear the air. Apologise for overstepping but explain how upset you were by the heavy handed treatment and say you'd like to start sept afresh.

Or just forget it. They will :)

Purplegirlie · 16/07/2011 13:01

I agree with the others that said that you were covering up the fact that your daughter was being horrible to another girl. Actually, if I was that girl's parent I would be mightily pissed off at the bully's mum insisting my child "stopped bickering" and shook hands. Also what you said sounds very "jolly hockey sticks" and downright annoying. I can see why the teacher would have taken offence.

Are you a "loud" parent by any chance?

Goldenbear · 16/07/2011 13:14

Maybe the tone of voice, the language used by the teacher was unintentionally patronising. The teachers I know tend to tallk to adults with an authoratitive manner, which some adults find extremely offensive. My mum was a teacher and a couple of my friends are and they all speak in this way but i am used to it!

MsPlaced · 16/07/2011 13:20

This is one of those threads where I feel like I've walked into a parallell universe. Or at least some kind of UK mindset...
So to be clear in crazyworld when ones children walk into school they cease to have anything to do with the parents and can only be spoken to by teachers, and also its perfectly acceptable for a teacher to "tell off" a parent and get the head to do the same, while rudely wearing sunglasses and using language more appropriate for small children?

Wowzas.

fedupofnamechanging · 16/07/2011 14:40

I think you nailed it there MsPlaced.

higgle · 16/07/2011 15:57

OP comes across as a sensible lady with a lot of commonsense, the head teacher and the class teacher treated her with total disrespect when she did something that I cannot understand couold possibly be criticised. If she complained to the governors they would investigate impartiality and come to a conclusion. is there anything wrong with being assertive or sometimes "loud". Ever likely children get away with such poor behaviour these days, when a parent cannot even try to defuse a situation like this in a very benign way.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 16/07/2011 16:19

Whether the Op was BU or not, I can understand her being a bit taken aback by the way in which she was told off! A quiet word from the HT saying "I realise you were trying to diffuse the situation, but it might be best in future if you told the teacher and let her handle it instead? Some parents might take objection to your intervening," would have been reasonable. But to be told off like a little child is something I personally would find hard to swallow, from anyone!! Did the HT actually say "let this be a lesson"??? Shock That's patronising and an unacceptable way to speak to another adult, in my book!

MigratingCoconuts · 16/07/2011 16:27

no he didn't...that was another poster, jooly...

and actually, we have no idea what the head said or how s/he said it because we only have one version of events here.

Meglet · 16/07/2011 16:39

I'm going to give you a YANBU. (disclaimer; my dc's aren't at school yet so I could well be way off the mark). FWIW one of the other parents told my DS off at nursery for scattering bits of paper in the cloakroom when my back was turned, I was fine with it.