To feel humiliated.

[Tomatefarcie]

This morning, while dropping DD1 (7) off, I overheard her say something nasty to another little girl. I was just on my way out so came back to the little lobby where they hang their coats. I gave her a gentle telling off, she apologized to the little girl, but a 3rd girl joined in and started having a go at the other girl.

I asked them all to stop, which they did. They went in their classroom, and I started making my way out. I then overheard the girls starting to bicker again, so walked in the classroom, smiled at DD's teacher, said to her (with a smile), "the girls are bickering". I then turned to the 3 girls, and said "come on girls, it's a beautiful day out there, don't waste it bickering, shake hands and smile!", in a very light hearted manner. The girls did just that, smiled and went to sit down.

The teachers were almost next to me, heard the whole thing (which lasted 2 minutes). They smiled at me and off I went.

At 2:15 this afternoon, I received a phone call from the headmistress. Basically, DD's teacher felt overwhelmed by me talking to the girls, it should not have happened, and gave me a stern telling off. I was so shocked that I didn't even think of anything to reply. I did say that the teachers were next to me almost, and I made eye contact with them, and smiled. She kept on nonetheless.

So at pickup earlier, I went to see DD's teacher. the conversation was very awkward on my part as she had huge mirrored aviator sunglasses on, which prevented me from seeing her eyes completely. Anyway, she said that I shouldnt have done what I did, that I intimidated the children by telling them off, was loud, and made a show of it. I was - and still am- stunned.

I was in such good mood, didn't tell them off as such, just playfully asked them to shake hands and stop bickering, which took me less time than it did typing it just now.I had no idea that what I was doing was wrong, (was it?), let the teachers know what it was about (the bickering), and was smiled at the both the teacher and the TA.

The way DD's teacher talked to me at pickup time made me feel that big (I got treated to "make sure it doesn't happen again" for example), and I thought a huge mountain had been made out of a molehill by involving the headmistress. I did ask her why she didn't come and see me straight away, or at least sort of signal me to stop, or come over and ask "is everything ok?". she said "because it was the morning".

I must admit to having this humiliation feeling, and I'm honestly dreading September as she will then be DD2's teacher!

I'm sitting on my hands not to write an email to the Head. AIBU?

Thanks Thruaglassdarkly.

I am not after an apology or anything as I was in the wrong myself in the first place, I should have asked the teacher to come over and sort it out. (I did say to her "the girls are bickering" but she and ta chose to stay where they were, sitting down on a table iirc).

Finally- calm down dear, I don't think the teacher was running off to get the big guns- I strongly suspect this isn't the first time the op has overstepped the Mark, the teacher mentioned it to the head, who decided to deal with the I incident rather than allow the op to continue to engage in cringeworthy acts. And no, its not 'oh my god shock horror' that a parent sets foot in a classroom- but you do have to remember that it is the teachers place of work- she may have been wanting to prepare things in the room/ have a quiet confidential word with her teaching assistant about another child, or deal with the children already in there. Its just bad manners to march in and start getting a group of children to shake hands over something !

Cross posts there tomate. Again, your post speaks volumes. The teacher was probably sitting disussing/ planning with the TA. You interpet that as choosing to not immediately drop what they were doing and run to get involved. You seem to have an inflated sense of your importance and your dds position- the teacher has 30 Children and 60 parents (plus no doubt numerous step parents) to deal with!

I never expected her to immediately drop what she was doing. She had the opportunity to had she chosen to however.

Blimey.

I AM a teacher. If a parent is over stepping the mark I can just say 'oh thanks for dealing with this problem, I'll take over now I expect you need to rush off to work' I don't just stand there and then get the head to call the parent later.

What exactly is wrong with 'helicopter' parents anyway ? They are the ones that make sure children have their PE kit, do their homework, help out at school fairs etc. I don't think I would ever be accused of being one as I'm too busy working, but as a teacher I APPRECIATE them !

I think I might need counselling now.

Just post in chat from now on, not AIBU.

Somebody once called AIBU a 'lunatics carpark' which is fairly apt.

Mind you, I'm not sure why I spent so long in here today when I've got work to do

Haha good one!

This was my first AIBU, and last!

Thank goodness I didn't give the kids a Fruitshoot too eh?

-weak -

I think we're talking about different things then finally. I think a GOOD parent is one who makes sure their child has their pe kit, does their homework etc and supports the school in any way they can (though not necessarily running the cake stall because many parents work and can't)

A 'helicopter' parent is one who has an unhealthy involvement in every detail of their childrens life (and their school) and who actually works against the child building up their own independent life. It is often borne out of the parent not having enough to do in their own life, and so they end up projecting a lot onto their childs life. Two very different things - one good and one bad.

I seem to notice that the teachers involved in this thread are not shocked at all and would have dealt with the situation quite differently, without involving the Head.

You don't know that the teacher did 'involve ' the head. As has been pointed out, the teacher may have mentioned the incident in passing in the staffroom, or the Teacher assistant may have mentioned it to the head. One thing is for sure- the head is not happy with how you behaved- it was her decision to call you, no head is going to do that if they don't feel it is the right course of action, she is responsible for the daily running of the school. She obviously felt this needed saying- which is why in your shoes I would take stock and not do this in future

I know exactly what you mean aprilbear of course 'helicopter parent' was invented as a negative term. However, who decides WHO has an 'unhealthy involvement' with their children ? For example, it seems like some people on this thread have decided that the OP was over involved. And on the basis of what ?

Every day is different. On one day I might appear over involved in my children, on another negligently uninterested.

Every school is different and has different cultures and rules about what parents can and can't do. There is absolutely no fixed naturally best way of doing it. So, it is not surprising that some parents get it 'wrong' from time to time. This is not because there is something wrong with their parenting but because they don't know how things operate in that school at that time. All you have to do is explain kindly how you prefer things to be.

It seems like you just have to hurl the abuse 'overbearing' these days and then everyone piles in. All these words are entirely subjective ways to categorise parenting.

Finally -it is for exactly the reasons you describe that I suspect there is a history here. The op is not a new parent- her dd has been there 3 years . She admits to having got it wrong by marching into the classroom and involving herself in the childrens argument. The head called her up and descibed her as overbearing. This does not sound to 'me like a parent who has just misread the situation as a one off'- it sounds like a parent whose behaviour has probably annoyed staff on other occasions and they want it to stop

Aprilbear, everything in your last post is fair enough. Trust me I will sulk keep my distances. Live and learn and all that.

Anyone who knows me in rl would laugh at the idea of me being a helicopter parent.

Finallyspring, you make so much sense!

The community where I live and work is very multi cultural. In many parts of the world (perhaps the majority) it is considered the responsibilty of all adults (not even just parents) to involve themselves when they see things go wrong. For example, if someone's child is nasty to another this would be seen as something to be ashamed of as a parent and something you would have to deal with publically.

In other parts of the world, where some of my family come from, there is really not a big division between family and school and parents are expected to wander into classrooms, chat and involve themselves with things.

There really isn't an objectively right way or wrong way. As I said, it is up to the teacher to let parents know how things operate. But, if a parent does things differently they do not need telling off.

Agree with everything Finallyspring says. OP you've had a really hard time here, god knows why. At dd's school its normal for all the parents to take the dc into the classroom, this is for ages up to 9/10.

Have also taught in a country where parents only visit the school once a year for parent's day. The rest of the time the children travel by bus with teachers from the age of three.

So, no right way or wrong way.

Yes, some middle ground here at last may be far less exciting but is far closer to reality.

Some of the desperate attempts to make the teacher sound weepy and spineless are bad, some of the attempts to make the op some kind of aggressive nut job are worse.
The op made many errors, in particular telling the girls to shake hands. I would be a bit irritated by that if my dd were one of the children. Had I walked into the classroom (which I strongly suspect I would not) I would have asked the teacher could I please speak to dd for a moment, taken her back into the corridor and told her to stop it instantly without the sunny day little Annie speech. But op has admitted she was wrong so seems harsh to keep beating her over the egad and projecting bossy unreasonable control freakery on to her.

But the suggestion that once the child steps across the threshold she should cease any contact with any of the children is bonkers. As is the idea that speaking to the children undermines the teacher. Really? If my friend tells my dd off am I undermined? Well no. Not unless I am so deeply unsure of myself that absoloutely anything can undermine me. Especially odd is the assumption that children will only cope with one authority figure within a room at any one time. If I am in the room with my dd teacher she sees us both as authority figures -not as two people engaged in some silent competition to see who is in charge.

Tbh I think however the head became involved her involvement was the most undermining.

A teacher who has a parent walk into the classroom and speak to her child and two others has encountered a possibly over fussy parent.
A teacher who needs a head teacher to phone up because of that looks really pathetic.

Ah but finallyspring - I bet in those other cultures where 'it takes a village to raise a child' and all that, parents aren't immediately jumping on the Internet to air their grievances on public forums! You can't cherry pick which bits of culture suit and which don't.

I think pagwatch makes some very good points. I suspect it was the overly bright 'what a lovely day, let's all shake hands' which really annoyed the teacher- the op should have stuck to a quiet but firm reprimand to her dd for her nasty verbal behaviour, not stuck her oar in with the other girls

I am not in any way at all saying what way of parenting is better. For example there's loads that is annoying about the 'it takes a village' approach. In the school where I worked where children went by bus from the age of three, parents who wanted to visit the school more than once a year were seen as odd and interfering. And the school was fine, just different.

I am just saying there are lots and lots of different perspectives. I am saying this to counter the cats bum face/cardigan tightening type of response which presupposes that EVERYBODY knows the 'right way' to parent/behave at school.

Didn't finish

What I don't like is this cats bum faced/cardigan tightening response that everybody knows the right way to parent/behave at school and if they don't it's because they deliberately want to make life difficult for other people, or they are unhinged.

InTheNight

I think you and the teacher should have a boxing match and the last one standing is the winner.