To feel humiliated.

[Tomatefarcie]

This morning, while dropping DD1 (7) off, I overheard her say something nasty to another little girl. I was just on my way out so came back to the little lobby where they hang their coats. I gave her a gentle telling off, she apologized to the little girl, but a 3rd girl joined in and started having a go at the other girl.

I asked them all to stop, which they did. They went in their classroom, and I started making my way out. I then overheard the girls starting to bicker again, so walked in the classroom, smiled at DD's teacher, said to her (with a smile), "the girls are bickering". I then turned to the 3 girls, and said "come on girls, it's a beautiful day out there, don't waste it bickering, shake hands and smile!", in a very light hearted manner. The girls did just that, smiled and went to sit down.

The teachers were almost next to me, heard the whole thing (which lasted 2 minutes). They smiled at me and off I went.

At 2:15 this afternoon, I received a phone call from the headmistress. Basically, DD's teacher felt overwhelmed by me talking to the girls, it should not have happened, and gave me a stern telling off. I was so shocked that I didn't even think of anything to reply. I did say that the teachers were next to me almost, and I made eye contact with them, and smiled. She kept on nonetheless.

So at pickup earlier, I went to see DD's teacher. the conversation was very awkward on my part as she had huge mirrored aviator sunglasses on, which prevented me from seeing her eyes completely. Anyway, she said that I shouldnt have done what I did, that I intimidated the children by telling them off, was loud, and made a show of it. I was - and still am- stunned.

I was in such good mood, didn't tell them off as such, just playfully asked them to shake hands and stop bickering, which took me less time than it did typing it just now.I had no idea that what I was doing was wrong, (was it?), let the teachers know what it was about (the bickering), and was smiled at the both the teacher and the TA.

The way DD's teacher talked to me at pickup time made me feel that big (I got treated to "make sure it doesn't happen again" for example), and I thought a huge mountain had been made out of a molehill by involving the headmistress. I did ask her why she didn't come and see me straight away, or at least sort of signal me to stop, or come over and ask "is everything ok?". she said "because it was the morning".

I must admit to having this humiliation feeling, and I'm honestly dreading September as she will then be DD2's teacher!

I'm sitting on my hands not to write an email to the Head. AIBU?

If you read the OPs posts she states that the HT did actually say "let that be a lesson"
From reading some of these comments you would think that your children have never bickered, made nasty comments etc. They are 7 years old ffs!
Personally I think if the teacher felt uncomfortable with the way things were handled she could have stepped in, simply saying "oh dear, what's happening here, thanks mrs tomatofarcie, I'll talk to the girls from here" etc. Surely if you're in an educated job such as a teacher you should be able to handle this type of situation.
Just because your child has walked into school doesn't mean you stop parenting and if all the children are known to the OP i.e friends children then as long as no chastisement was involved then I see no problem.

I think it was quite pathetic of the teacher to have complained to the head. At most a 'who does she think she is' remark in the staffroom would have been fine.

Maybe the teacher did make a Who Does She Think She Is remark in the staffroom, Binbag. We don't actually know that the teacher complained to the Head, only that the Head came to know of the incident and telephoned to the OP. We also don't know how the teacher really felt about it, we can only surmise that she may have felt overwhelmed and/or undermined. From the wording of the OP's posts, I thought that the teacher wasn't actually given the opportunity to step in to sort out the issue, as the OP waded in immediately to deal with it herself, however nicely or light-heartedly she felt she was being.

FWIW I thought the school acted in loco parentis whilst the children were on the premises, and therefore discipline for any incident, however trivial, should definitely fall within the teacher's remit.

totally agree with Noodles, spot on post!

Agree with noodles

The op does not know for certain that the teacher went running to the head. For all we know she may have just made a comment in the staffroom 'oh that mrs tomatefarcie' was hanging about in the cloakroom again this morning, her dd was being nasty to another child and then you'll never guess what, mrs tomate followed them into the classroom and started interfering'. I don't blame the head for wanting to set out the parameters. I also suspect there is a history here. Even if the op isn't aware of it, perhaps she does tend to be overbearing, and have an unfortunate tendency to hang around the cloakroom at the start of the day.

A couple of other points: the ops dd is 7. She has been at school for 3 years, shes not a baby, she is more than capable of getting herself into the classroom. Tbh if the op is making a habit of following her dd in, it may be that the school feels this is OTT and not helpful already (particularly as its not helping the child to behave better- she is clearly comfortable making Nasty remarks to other children within earshot of her mum). Op- it is time to let your dd be a bit more independent.

Also re the sunglasses, there could be various reasons why the teacher was wearing them- the most obvious being bright sunshine if she was coming into the playground at the end of the day, but hayfever also springs to mind. This was not a pre booked appointment- the op says she simply approached the teacher at the end of the day, so what makes you think you have the right to dictate whether she has sunglasses on? If I were the teacher and had bad hayfever, if I had a properly booked meeting with a parent I would remove the sunlgasses or explain why I needed to keep them on, but if a parent simply approaches, I would not feel I had to explain myself to them.

Overall I have a gut feeling that the op has probably earned herself a bit of a reputation as a parent. I doubt this situation arose out of nowhere, I expect the school already feel she is a bit interfering. I don't think you should dwell on it now op- move on, but please when your next child goes into that class, let her get herself from the school gate to the classroom door- these children are not babies and in the long run they wont thank you for sticking your oar in. My dd at that age would have been cringing if I'd even accompanied her to The cloakroom never mind following into the classroom and doing a Joyce grenfell artificially bright 'now girls, lets all be friends and shake hands'.....

To be honest you should not have intervened in the classroom, it makes you look unhinged, it is something you bring up with the teacher not the children themselves.

You overstepped the mark.

I agree with noodles and aprilbear. I have written and deleted a number of posts in reply to this thread and, as usual, other people have expressed exactly how I feel!

I hadn't realized the little girls were 7. There certainly isn't any reason to be following your DD into the cloakroom. Children need some independence and perhaps allowing her a little 'space' from you at school is a good place to start.

I think it was a very embarrassing thing to do but hopefully you won't do it again! I am quite sure the teacher will want to put the incident behind her too.

I am sure, if you allow the dust to settle you will find that no more will be said about it.

You stood on the teacher's toes. It's very bad form to tell off other kids in front of the teacher, diminishes her authority.

I have been inside the classroom 3 times this year: once for parents evening, twice to let the teachers know that I would be picking up someone else's child, as per protocol. The assumptions about me made on here are simply extraordinary.

We all accompany our children to the cloakroom, which I fear I may have misrepresented: it is shared with 2 other classes and is also a way through to the main office and reception areas. We drop the kids off in the middle and they go and find their pegs and sort their stuff out.

You guys have me as some sort of loud unhinged interfering loon with a history and covering up my daughter's bullying.. Dd has been at that school for 3 years now, without any problems or incident apart from a stitched forehead (due to a fall, no evil reason!).

I'm a bit shocked to read some of your replies, and wish I hadn't checked the thread again this morning.

This thread is mad and sad !

I'm a teacher. In London. What IS all this talk of boundaries and territory and authority ?

School are communities in which parents, teachers and children are equally involved. As a parent it is normal and natural to get involved in what your children are doing. Sometimes this spills over into the classroom. I LIKE that parents are involved with class relationships. For one thing it might make them more likely to help with school trips/drama productions etc. If I think someone is overstepping the mark I just say 'thanks, I'll deal with this now'

There is no need whatsoever to speak to a parent as if she is stupid or assume she's handling something wrongly. No need at all.

There is also no need for some of the negative comments made on here.

...in your opinion....

What?

op i thought you went on school trip the previous day?

otehr than that, i feel for you, cringe that the teacher and head complained about your chastisment.

i helped in classrooms and no doubt at times over stepped the mark but i realise quickly and tone down but to be pulled up on this would be so embarrasing.

i think you should write it off and forget about it, my september perhaps the teacher will have more self confidence not to have it knocked so easily.

Thanks Finallyspring. I m starting to think like I've streaked across the school field on Sports Day!

feel like

OP, you did a good thing, don't feel bad but leave it be for now. Alot of teachers will sit and watch kids being bullied and do absolutely nothing. Teacher is probably insecure of her own authority to go running to the headteacher. Takes a village to raise a child eh? Not just a handful of egotistical idiots who are barely able to teach our kids to read or write anyway.

I did go on a school trip last mOnths. Someone was assuming that i had a history of going in the classroom, hence me detailing how many times I have been in this year.

School trip had nothing to do with the classroom, we were in small groups away from the school.

In my opinion in order to maintain a happy community to which everyone feels they can contribute it is best not to tell parents off when they are clearly not aware of the 'rule' which governs their behaviour and are doing something with the best intentions.

This teacher and headteacher obviously had a different opinion and of course, it's their school so they are entitled to say something. But the point is the OP thought she was behaving with good intentions. She didn't THINK, oh bollocks to thIs teacher's territory I feel like having a go at some children in front of their teacher

Any school which feels it needs to 'police' behaviour in this way is not a trusting community. The teacher clearly felt belittled. That is very easy to understand. But there are much more effective ways to deal with this than making the parent feel stupid and disregarded. If you are leading a school you want parents onside surely ?

I wish people would stop with the surprise (ie judginess) over parents going into the classroom with their dcs in the morning. In some schools, like my ds's, the parents are expected to escort the children in. Stop assuming that parents who mention going in are pushy helicopter types!

That aside, although the OP maybe overstepped boundaries with the shaking hands thing, the head is most at fault here IMO. Should have allowed/ encouraged the teacher to have a calm adult conversation with the OP about how she would have preferred it to be handled next time. Then if OP turned out to be aggressive, as some parents are, teacher could have escalated to the head.

maybe you need to have a look at how you interact with others and how it might be rubbing off on your daughter as this did start with her being nasty to another little girl. you might come across as in a way many see as overpowering and you basically undermined the teacher even though your intentions were good

i think the fact that you feel humiliated and at no fault at being told you were in the wrong says quite a lot

OP you keep mentioning your smile as a good thing. Actually that would irritate me more if i was the teacher. A jolly interference followed by a big smile!

How about this: 'OP i could have haddled it much better than you '

Freudian, I have already admitted my fault quite a few times throughout this thread.

I have also explained that a full argument was taking place, my daughter didn't suddenly come out with nastiness.

You are now trying to make me feel guilty and asking me to have a look at myself as it's affecting my daughter?? Really???

Laquitar, that's fine, can't be liked by everybody I s'ppose.

The OP is about being spoken to rudely by a headteacher. A headteacher should not make a parent feel humiliated. That is bad management. Whatever a parent does a headteacher needs them onside.

The OP was not asking for an assassination of her character, or that of her child.

no i am not trying to make you feel guilty just to have a little more self awareness

they way we are rubs off on our children, it started by your daughter not being very nice to another little girl, you did the right thing but then you undermined the teacher and then feel you did nothing wrong but others felt you did and you are wanting others to back you up rather than look at how you can handle things differently, the remarks i was in such a good mood, i did it with a smile etc is well it was all ok because i was ok, do you get what i am saying

at times things happen and we need to look at how our actions have an effect on others, at times we are in the wrong everyone is