To feel humiliated.

[Tomatefarcie]

This morning, while dropping DD1 (7) off, I overheard her say something nasty to another little girl. I was just on my way out so came back to the little lobby where they hang their coats. I gave her a gentle telling off, she apologized to the little girl, but a 3rd girl joined in and started having a go at the other girl.

I asked them all to stop, which they did. They went in their classroom, and I started making my way out. I then overheard the girls starting to bicker again, so walked in the classroom, smiled at DD's teacher, said to her (with a smile), "the girls are bickering". I then turned to the 3 girls, and said "come on girls, it's a beautiful day out there, don't waste it bickering, shake hands and smile!", in a very light hearted manner. The girls did just that, smiled and went to sit down.

The teachers were almost next to me, heard the whole thing (which lasted 2 minutes). They smiled at me and off I went.

At 2:15 this afternoon, I received a phone call from the headmistress. Basically, DD's teacher felt overwhelmed by me talking to the girls, it should not have happened, and gave me a stern telling off. I was so shocked that I didn't even think of anything to reply. I did say that the teachers were next to me almost, and I made eye contact with them, and smiled. She kept on nonetheless.

So at pickup earlier, I went to see DD's teacher. the conversation was very awkward on my part as she had huge mirrored aviator sunglasses on, which prevented me from seeing her eyes completely. Anyway, she said that I shouldnt have done what I did, that I intimidated the children by telling them off, was loud, and made a show of it. I was - and still am- stunned.

I was in such good mood, didn't tell them off as such, just playfully asked them to shake hands and stop bickering, which took me less time than it did typing it just now.I had no idea that what I was doing was wrong, (was it?), let the teachers know what it was about (the bickering), and was smiled at the both the teacher and the TA.

The way DD's teacher talked to me at pickup time made me feel that big (I got treated to "make sure it doesn't happen again" for example), and I thought a huge mountain had been made out of a molehill by involving the headmistress. I did ask her why she didn't come and see me straight away, or at least sort of signal me to stop, or come over and ask "is everything ok?". she said "because it was the morning".

I must admit to having this humiliation feeling, and I'm honestly dreading September as she will then be DD2's teacher!

I'm sitting on my hands not to write an email to the Head. AIBU?

The teacher sounds quite pathetic really and hugely lacking in confidence. If she can't handle something as trivial as this by a direct approach to another adult she can't be that great a teacher.

As for the heads way of dealing with it, taking it further with a phonecall - unbelievable. Good grief what a lot of hot air over naff all.

In what way did OP prevent the teacher from dealing with it?

This thread has just confirmed to me that teachers really are pedantic, petty minded people to say the least.

YANBU

I don't see why the teacher didn't just have a quick word with you before you left if she thought your behaviour was so unacceptable. No need to involve the head

When I first became a teacher, I started work at the school where I used to be a pupil. Maybe I was very innocent back then, but I was truly shocked by how bitchy and spiteful some of my old teachers were. I'd truly believed that they were fundamentally kind, reasonable, responsible people until that point, because that is the face they liked to show the world.

Now, having worked in schools and with 3 DC going through the school system, I have come across some fantastic, kind, warm teachers, but I've also come across spiteful, sneaky, lazy and plain nasty ones. I still think there are more good ones than bad though.

you walked into a classroom with a teacher in it with information you should have shared with her so she could deal with the situation properly. She may know that your daughter has been part of a pair or group that have picked on other children before, or that this is not the case at all and it is just a one off. She would know what the other child has been putting up with in school whereas you don't. You say your child said something nasty to the other child which isn't really bickering it's picking on someone.

For many reasons classrooms have to be the realm of the teacher and it is not for parents who think they know what has happened to speak to children other than their own within the classroom.

Try and think about how you would feel if your child was being bullied at school, the teacher knew and was trying to deal with it but one morning the mother of the bully came into class and told your child to stop bickering with the bully and shake her hand, you wouldn't be very happy when your child told you would you?

What you did made sense to you at the time and you were obviously doing what you thought was right which is what all adults in society should do when it comes to the welfare of children but from a school point of view they need to ensure you are not going to do it again and therefore the responsible person needed to speak to you. The person within a school with safeguarding and parental liason responsibility is the head so it is right for them to speak to you not the class teacher and really going to talk to the teacher again at the end of the day is probably not what the headteacher wanted you to do.

There is no "nasty bully". Ffs!

All the girls did was bicker. The little girl I helped this morning is usually the one dishing it out. I just wanted it to stop altogether, and apart from reprimanding dd about what I'd heard, I didn't blame anyone in particular.

Why are some posters trying to make this story into something uber-dramatic? We are talking about 3 seven year old girls bickering, no more, no less. I happened to hear what my own dd said and didn't like it, but things were said before to her (doesn't justify her answering back though). And it really wasn't major, a "she said" "no but she said" "yeah but she said it first" type of thing.

Nasty bully. ffs!

My goodness, I agree with scarlett a lot of fuss over nothing tbh. The op did not go there hammer and tongs shouting and reprimanding the children, she tried to diffuse the situation in a lighthearted manner, and she is being accused of all sorts of things on here. Tbh the teacher should have handled it a lot better, she might have not had much confidence or experience, I am sure that this would not have happened with an experienced teacher who would have the knowhow to deal with things effectively.

Exactly piglet

I am not a teacher, but I feel that I would have handled that situation better than the teacher did. The teacher was obviously near enough to see what was going on and was not happy, hence she went to the head. She should have then walked over to tomato and ask her what was going on, and tell the op "thanks very much, but I will deal with the situation now"

My dd was at a pre school, and it was drop off, this boy had got hold of dd hair and was pulling it so hard (dd has social communication difficulties), I called out for the helper, and told the boy to let go of her hair, and took it out of his hand. Noway was i going to allow this to happen to dd and watch her be assulted. The staff were not very interested, all they could see was "oh no its not John (made up name) again is it"

Beside anything else, I get that you were trying to be lighthearted op, but I think actually the way you dealt wit it was inneffectual. Have you ever been forced to shake hands with someone who you were bickering with or who you felt was being nasty to you? It wouldn't have changed the situation at all. Ten to one it carried on at break time with renewed vigour. And forcing them to plaster on a fake smile? I just can't see how that would work.

If anything you should have said firmly to your dd 'we will discuss this later' as you left her in the corridor. The behaviour of the other girls was non o your business, whether you know their mums or not.

Anyfulekno, there was no forced handshakes and no fake smile. The situation was very light hearted, and I did not in any way walk in to sort it all out but distract the girls and make them forget the argument for a minute. Hence me not "disciplining" anybody, no "telling off" (apart from my own dd in the lobby).

The whole thing was quick and light hearted, no pretence here of being the great big educational/parenting genius.

That is your perception of events, the teacher obviously had a different opinion. You are both going to find next year a bit tricky I think.

Goblinchild, I understand that the teacher perceived things differently.

I'm gutted that dd2 has her again in September, but my intentions are to stay well away from her, the classroom, even class trips.

It is a mountain out of a molehill, but I would just let it go.

what goblinchild said. Totally.

It would be interesting to read a thread on this incident started by the teacher and see how different the acoounts would be.

Her actions suggest she saw the whole thing completely differently. I'm wondering why.

Migrating coconuts, this is the reason why the whole thing is still playing on my mind. The teacher obviously gave her perception of things to the Head, which resulted in the major ticking off of yesterday. I am frustrated that I didn't get to give my version of things and therefore will be branded as the One Who Walked In The Classroom and Told Children Off.

Dh says I should go and see the Head on Monday in a calm and collected manner, as when she rang I was shocked and stunned and stuttering.

I would love to do just that, but I'm also taking onboard what has been said on this thread to just leave it as I was in the wrong too.

I'd say you did the right thing. If the teacher was miffed that you had 'impinged' on her authority then its her that has self esteem issues. They are always harping on about parents getting more involved aren't they ?

This year was her first placement.

the Head will support the teacher as the professional in this situation who was in charge of the classroom and responsible for the children. I'm afraid you had no authority to be there other than to drop off your child.

Your intentions were clearly well meant but if you went to the Head, you would have to present a very good case before the Head would see it differently to this.

They are always harping on about parents getting more involved aren't they ?

yes 'they' are...but really not in a free for all, do what you like sense.

exotic fruits is right, chalk it up to experience and move on.

You're right Coconuts. The Head will of course back the teacher up and I will only receive another humiliating bollocking. Thanks for reminding me.

Tomatefarcie that explains it then. The teacher was obviously inexperienced and not able to deal with it herself. I used to work as a TA and can tell you that most of the experienced teachers there would be able to deal with it themselves. If they can deal with rowdy children they can deal with a non violent non aggressive parent. I would arrange to see the headteacher on Monday, and also explain to her that you want to give your version and that you were not happy with the way that she spoke to you on Friday, its not acceptable. She should have been calm and professional, does not sound like that to me.

Also next term I would keep a low profile tbh. I hate to say this but let that be a lesson