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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel humiliated.

258 replies

Tomatefarcie · 15/07/2011 18:08

This morning, while dropping DD1 (7) off, I overheard her say something nasty to another little girl. I was just on my way out so came back to the little lobby where they hang their coats. I gave her a gentle telling off, she apologized to the little girl, but a 3rd girl joined in and started having a go at the other girl.

I asked them all to stop, which they did. They went in their classroom, and I started making my way out. I then overheard the girls starting to bicker again, so walked in the classroom, smiled at DD's teacher, said to her (with a smile), "the girls are bickering". I then turned to the 3 girls, and said "come on girls, it's a beautiful day out there, don't waste it bickering, shake hands and smile!", in a very light hearted manner. The girls did just that, smiled and went to sit down.

The teachers were almost next to me, heard the whole thing (which lasted 2 minutes). They smiled at me and off I went.

At 2:15 this afternoon, I received a phone call from the headmistress. Basically, DD's teacher felt overwhelmed by me talking to the girls, it should not have happened, and gave me a stern telling off. I was so shocked that I didn't even think of anything to reply. I did say that the teachers were next to me almost, and I made eye contact with them, and smiled. She kept on nonetheless.

So at pickup earlier, I went to see DD's teacher. the conversation was very awkward on my part as she had huge mirrored aviator sunglasses on, which prevented me from seeing her eyes completely. Anyway, she said that I shouldnt have done what I did, that I intimidated the children by telling them off, was loud, and made a show of it. I was - and still am- stunned.

I was in such good mood, didn't tell them off as such, just playfully asked them to shake hands and stop bickering, which took me less time than it did typing it just now.I had no idea that what I was doing was wrong, (was it?), let the teachers know what it was about (the bickering), and was smiled at the both the teacher and the TA.

The way DD's teacher talked to me at pickup time made me feel that big (I got treated to "make sure it doesn't happen again" for example), and I thought a huge mountain had been made out of a molehill by involving the headmistress. I did ask her why she didn't come and see me straight away, or at least sort of signal me to stop, or come over and ask "is everything ok?". she said "because it was the morning".

I must admit to having this humiliation feeling, and I'm honestly dreading September as she will then be DD2's teacher!

I'm sitting on my hands not to write an email to the Head. AIBU?

OP posts:

pigletmania · 15/07/2011 18:26

I can't understand why they teacher has to run to the head, its something that they should be able to deal with themselves.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/07/2011 18:26

JamieAgain... You obviously haven't seen the posts from some mothers who snarl that 'they're going UP the school' to sort the teacher out or they're so angry that they're going directly to the HEAD....

If I were a teacher (and I'm not), I'd do things by the book too, pre-emptive strikes seem to be the only thing that staves off unreasonable parents. The Head obviously agreed with the teacher rather than pacifying the OP, which he/she could equally have done.

Goblinchild · 15/07/2011 18:27

'Am wondering about the shrinking violet of a teacher who felt upset by this, and why she couldn't talk to the OP herself.'

Some teachers are sensitive and get flustered when they are put on the spot by an adult. Some aren't and would deal with you on their own.
Guess which sort I am.

worraliberty · 15/07/2011 18:27

Pigletmania the kids were just arriving in class. The teacher has (I assume) 25 - 30 children to settle before registration.

I'm sure she would have dealt with it as soon as she spotted it...or if the OP had said her DD and the other girl were being nasty.

diddl · 15/07/2011 18:27

You were humiliated?

How do you think the teacher felt?

pigletmania · 15/07/2011 18:28

I understand squeaky there are ways without drawing attention to the situation. I would have been more assertive to the parents and just tell them that everything is fine and you will now deal with it thank you.

MumblingRagDoll · 15/07/2011 18:28

Sorry OP....I'm also a bit that you went into their classroom...where the teacher was...and intervened!

Maybe if it had all happned where there were no teachers it would have been ok....but why walk in the room after them?

Also, maybe you speak more stridently or loudly than you are aware of? could that be a possiblity?

CoffeeIsMyFriend · 15/07/2011 18:29

oh you were so U. You interfered in something that was nothing to do with you!

Goblinchild · 15/07/2011 18:29

'goblinchild, don't you just know how to make people feel better...I am quite happy to admit that, in the light of the arguments above, I was being unreasonable, no need for a character assassination! '

Well, I wouldn't have needed my head to deal with you, but I work with at least two other teachers who are far lovelier and sweeter than me who might have been very upset about what you did.
Can't always have everything, sweet little Miss Honey, Vinegarpuss Goblin.

JamieAgain · 15/07/2011 18:29

Lying - Oh God, no - I do know those parents, and I know what a nightmare they are. I sounded too critical in my post above , but I still think taking it to the Head was a bit much. An experienced teacher would probably deal easily with this, but maybe this teacher isn't or has had bad experiences.

pigletmania · 15/07/2011 18:30

I am saying, the teacher standing there by the op should have intervened or if she was not happy, asked to have a word with her at pick up. I personally would not have done this, but told a teacher if i saw anything untoward going on.

JamieAgain · 15/07/2011 18:30

Goblin - do you think teachers with their own children are more assertive with parents, or is it simply personality.?

GetOrfMoiLand · 15/07/2011 18:31

Oh dear, you shouldn't have walked into a classroom and disciplined the girls like that. It is very rude and undermining the teacher. Presumably the teacher felt as humiliated this morning as you do now.

The grins the TA and teacher gave you as you left were rictus grins of shock and astonishment

higgle · 15/07/2011 18:31

I'm a bit gobsmacked by the responses on here - I'd be making a formal complaint to the governors about the teacher and the head if I was treated this way.

worraliberty · 15/07/2011 18:32

You have to remember the Head Teacher is the teacher's boss.

It's quite likely if the little girl went home and told her Mum that 2 girls were being nasty to her, and the mother of one of those girls made her shake hands with them in the classroom...in front of a teacher and a TA, the Mum would quite rightly want to know WTF was going on.

So imo it was sensible to mention it to the head.

Original poster

Tomatefarcie · 15/07/2011 18:32

Just to clarify, no other children were involved, no one could hear us apart from the teachers nearby, a good half of the class hadn't arrived yet, the others were pottering around in other corners of the class.

I certainly didn't "take over", but I can understand that I did tread on the teacher's toes without realizing . That's absolutely fair enough.

OP posts:

JamieAgain · 15/07/2011 18:33

"MsAnnThroppy Fri 15-Jul-11 18:21:27
Look at it this way, OP. If, upon leaving the school gates, your DD got into your car and started misbehaving; and this teacher, seeing this, got into your car and started disciplining her - undermining your role as parent - how would
you feel?"

I think this is a good comparison, actually.

JamieAgain · 15/07/2011 18:34

worraliberty - good point

superjobeespecs · 15/07/2011 18:36

yabu, you should not have done anything. at most i would have mentioned that the 2 girls were being a bit mean to the other but even then its the teachers classroom, she knows the ins and outs of all the kids relationships with each other and would have dealt with it. you basically undermined her in her workplace and made a bit of a song and dance in front of all the other kids about your childs behavior. nice.

worraliberty · 15/07/2011 18:36

higgle What do you think the Governors would say?

"Oh how dreadful. A parent enters a classroom where she doesn't belong. Undermines 2 members of staff, tries to hide the fact her DD and another girl were being nasty by putting it down to 'bickering' and then makes them shake hands...and you say the Head told you off? You poor thing!"

CQrrrneee · 15/07/2011 18:36

op - why not write a nice note to the teacher explaining that you didn't intend to be overwhelming etc. It would clear the air before Sept.
I would think that what may have happened is that the teacher mentioned it at breaktime (I would have) and the Head has responded to that, rather than the teacher running off to the Head.

Original poster

Tomatefarcie · 15/07/2011 18:38

However, I clearly had no bad intentions, no idea that what I was doing was wrong, so surely a word on the spot or at pick up would have been enough?

(and without shiny aviator glasses!)

I have already talked to the mum of the little girl and she had no problem with me asking the others to stop. In fact she was grateful.

OP posts:

WhoAteMySnickers · 15/07/2011 18:39

YABU and if you walked into my DS's class and did that I'd be asking the school why the fuck another parent was telling my DS off in his class while the teacher stood there watching.

Goblinchild · 15/07/2011 18:39

Don't know Jamie, some parent/teachers are as shy and sensitive as many people on MN and would feel embarrassed at this sort of incident and worry about it. Other childless teachers are confident and would have had no problems with telling the OP that they'd handle it before she started making people shake hands for an incident her own child appears to have started.

I've had a lot of experience in many different schools and have two children, one with sn. I'm also a confident person in my own right. And I don't like officious people in any sphere of my life.

Goblinchild · 15/07/2011 18:40

'(and without shiny aviator glasses!)'

Crying, tired, stressed, migraine, feeling vulnerable....

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