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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel humiliated.

258 replies

Tomatefarcie · 15/07/2011 18:08

This morning, while dropping DD1 (7) off, I overheard her say something nasty to another little girl. I was just on my way out so came back to the little lobby where they hang their coats. I gave her a gentle telling off, she apologized to the little girl, but a 3rd girl joined in and started having a go at the other girl.

I asked them all to stop, which they did. They went in their classroom, and I started making my way out. I then overheard the girls starting to bicker again, so walked in the classroom, smiled at DD's teacher, said to her (with a smile), "the girls are bickering". I then turned to the 3 girls, and said "come on girls, it's a beautiful day out there, don't waste it bickering, shake hands and smile!", in a very light hearted manner. The girls did just that, smiled and went to sit down.

The teachers were almost next to me, heard the whole thing (which lasted 2 minutes). They smiled at me and off I went.

At 2:15 this afternoon, I received a phone call from the headmistress. Basically, DD's teacher felt overwhelmed by me talking to the girls, it should not have happened, and gave me a stern telling off. I was so shocked that I didn't even think of anything to reply. I did say that the teachers were next to me almost, and I made eye contact with them, and smiled. She kept on nonetheless.

So at pickup earlier, I went to see DD's teacher. the conversation was very awkward on my part as she had huge mirrored aviator sunglasses on, which prevented me from seeing her eyes completely. Anyway, she said that I shouldnt have done what I did, that I intimidated the children by telling them off, was loud, and made a show of it. I was - and still am- stunned.

I was in such good mood, didn't tell them off as such, just playfully asked them to shake hands and stop bickering, which took me less time than it did typing it just now.I had no idea that what I was doing was wrong, (was it?), let the teachers know what it was about (the bickering), and was smiled at the both the teacher and the TA.

The way DD's teacher talked to me at pickup time made me feel that big (I got treated to "make sure it doesn't happen again" for example), and I thought a huge mountain had been made out of a molehill by involving the headmistress. I did ask her why she didn't come and see me straight away, or at least sort of signal me to stop, or come over and ask "is everything ok?". she said "because it was the morning".

I must admit to having this humiliation feeling, and I'm honestly dreading September as she will then be DD2's teacher!

I'm sitting on my hands not to write an email to the Head. AIBU?

OP posts:
diddl · 15/07/2011 20:51

I did mean to put "& where possible...."

Goblinchild · 15/07/2011 20:53

It would be for your own safety in the long run Syd, we have a lot of articulate and confident parents who would get very pissed off at your inappropriate interactions with their children, and would pursue with the utmost severity.

youarekidding · 15/07/2011 20:57

I actually don't think on balance YABU.

You were telling your own child off for being nasty and then not allowing her to do it more.

It takes a village to raise a child but obviously only outside of the classroom.

I think drawing the teachers attention to the bickering and showing your trying to sort it was a good thing - then if theres more bickering throughout the day the teacher has a heads up and knows you'll support her even if your DD is involved and needs disaplining.

SydSaid · 15/07/2011 20:57

I said nothing about me personally discipling anyone else's child.

Goblinchild · 15/07/2011 20:59

The OP did, making them all shake hands including the target of the nasty remarks. That would have pissed off some parents.

HowlingBitch · 15/07/2011 21:01

I read that the OP had told her own DD off then when the situation "escalated" (if you could call it that) she simply tried to defuse a situation she was involved in in the lobby. All she said when they entered the class room was "come on girls, it's a beautiful day out there, don't waste it bickering, shake hands and smile!". That's hardly disciplining the girls, Just a passing comment to try and end the situation which involved her own child. When my son enters a classroom he does not stop being my responsibility.

IMO I think it was outrageous to think a head teacher would be contacting a parent for something so silly. I would hope that they would have better things to be tending to. Why has the classroom become so territorial all of a sudden? When I was at school parents were not forbidden to enter. It just all seems very odd to me.

Sorry if I have offended any teachers posting here by the way. I'm certianly not telling you how to do your jobs (god knows you have it hard enough at the moment) I'm just not getting the severity of this situation.

ToothbrushThief · 15/07/2011 21:03

IMO parents and teachers are about equal in the 'I know best' stakes
...and I mean this in the nicest possible way. Both have to exert discipline and order over children and sometimes it spills over into other areas of their life.

My sis and best friend are teachers and I love them but occasionally have to remind myself I am not 6 when I'm with them.

I think that boundaries were crossed here and the head pulled rank? Neither of you needed to do what you did though :)

Goblinchild · 15/07/2011 21:04

Well, for me it would have been a small example of a parent overstepping the boundaries and I'd have jumped in and cut off her intervention without a thought.
I wouldn't have involved the head, I'd have just thought the OP was a bit egocentric and oblivious to good manners.
But as I said, other teachers are nicer than me and worry.

SydSaid · 15/07/2011 21:05

Yes Goblin, I know the op did, but your remark was addressed to me.

HalfTermHero · 15/07/2011 21:06

Teacher sounds like a knob. If she had anything to say then she should have dealt with the situation there and then to your face reporting it later if she felt it necessary. Obviously an insecure woman lacking in confidence and she did not feel competent enough to address you directly.

Goblinchild · 15/07/2011 21:08

Oh, I'd let you yell at your own child as much as you liked Syd, but I might ask you to go into the corridor to do it.

HowlingBitch · 15/07/2011 21:10

She hardly had bad manners.

Again what's with all this "boundaries" territorial talk. They are our children as well as your students. That doesn't stop once they enter a classroom.

HowlingBitch · 15/07/2011 21:10

When did she yell?

diddl · 15/07/2011 21:11

I suppose I wonder why the OP didn´t just tell the teacher that she had overheard her daughter & another picking on a third girl, had asked/told them to stop, but they appeared to have started again.

SydSaid · 15/07/2011 21:17

Yell? Once again goblin, you are creating scenarios that don't exist. No one mentioned shouting.

Goblinchild · 15/07/2011 21:17

Confused OP didn't yell.
I was talking to Syd.
Yes they are your children. For me, the issue is that OP didn't confine herself to dealing with her own child and then chose to impose her idea of a resolution on two children that were not hers whilst the teacher was in the room and ostensibly in charge.
Then the teacher involved the head because she felt overwhelmed and unable to cope and the OP objected to that and wanted to write a letter of complaint.

A simple ' Ms Tomarte, it's time for you to leave now please' before she started the handshaking would have been efficient.

Goblinchild · 15/07/2011 21:18

Syd, I said that you could yell at your own child as much as you liked.
How have you come to tread that as me suggesting that the OP shouted at anyone?

HowlingBitch · 15/07/2011 21:21

she felt overwhelmed and unable to cope

By a mother saying with a smile on her face "The girls are bickering" followed by a friendly "come on girls, it's a beautiful day out there, don't waste it bickering, shake hands and smile!". I understand that mornings are the crazy time of the day for a teacher but really? Why?

mummyosaurus · 15/07/2011 21:21

YANBU especially as it was your dd involved in the incident. In these "politically correct" times we are all afraid to speak to other peoples children, let alone guide them along the right path. Our environment is a poorer place for it, with children alienated and community spirit all but lost.

As it had started outside the classroom, if you had walked away you would have been condoning the behaviour.

If my DD had been in the group you spoke to I'd be grateful to you.

I think the teacher will forget about it quickly and by September it will all be fine. I would probably try not to write to the head, maybe see if you are still cross on Monday and decide then.

LadyLibra · 15/07/2011 21:22

I actually don't think you were wrong to do what you did,if one of those girls was my daughter I would not have been upset at all.

I can imagine the scene in my head...a summers morning... a brisk walk in, a quick comment and on your way right?

I am sure thats all you intended to do ,you probably didn't even give it a second thought?

It is a shame that somewhere in the teachers mind/school policy it has been blown all out of proportion.

Of course she should have removed her shades to talk with you ,that just was bloody rude!

I agree they are still our children even if they are in the classroom ,we care more than the teacher will ever do.

If you had gone in and bellowed across the room singling out various girls in the process,I would understand the concern.

As it stands ,what you did ,any one of us might do in a jokey,dropping off the children type way...I am actually a little Confused at the majority of responses.

Don't fret :) Wine

Just don't do it again Wink

SydSaid · 15/07/2011 21:22

Hmm, again, created scenarios. I didn't mention the op anywhere in my post.

You have created a scenario where I think it is acceptable for me to shout at my child in school. Thats not the case. I do think it is acceptable for me to have a quiet word with him or her if they are doing wrong, regardless of whether a teacher is there or not.

I find it utterly pointless trying to have some sense of a dialogue with you, you seem to have deliberately twisted everything I have said so far.

For that reason, as Theo Paphitis would say, 'I'm out'.

diddl · 15/07/2011 21:23

"I then turned to the 3 girls, and said "come on girls, it's a beautiful day out there, don't waste it bickering, shake hands and smile!", in a very light hearted manner. "

Perhaps that whole scenario just dumbfounded her & left her unable to interveneGrin

fedupofnamechanging · 15/07/2011 21:23

I think the teacher over reacted. You don't give up being a parent just because your children are on the school grounds. You have right to deal with your own children wherever they happen to be. I don't think you were really disciplining other peoples children either - just trying to smooth things over.

I used to be a teacher and I would not have been offended by this - I would have seen it as a parent and fellow adult dealing with behaviour they(rather than I,) had witnessed.

I also think that the teacher ought to have spoken to you directly. Getting her boss to ring you up, makes her look a bit two faced/weak to me and I would be wondering whether she is up to communicating with parents and running a classroom effectively.

I would say though that you have to be careful when you deal with other peoples children. I don't think you said anything wrong but if you had properly told off another persons child, that could cause problems for the school as other parents are likely to object, so perhaps the teacher was coming at it from that angle. If so, then she still would have been better to tell you that directly.

I am fairly stroppy, so would be inclined to write a note to the Head. I don't consider that a teacher has more right than me to deal with my DC, just because that is their place of work.

HowlingBitch · 15/07/2011 21:23

Sorry re reading my posts they come across as abit aggressive! Honestly I'm more confused about the situation than anything else. DS starts school next year and now I have no idea how to behave in front of his soon to be teacher! Argh! :o

Goldenbear · 15/07/2011 21:48

I don't think the OP should write a letter but equally the teacher didn't handle it well. I don't think it is that unusual for parents to be 'involved'. The school my son is going to are really keen on parental involvement- there is camping every year with the parents, a Festival set up by the school in a local park is now a fairly big City Event! TBH the boundaries that people have spoken about on here are not apparent. But then i think it believes it is a 'progressive' school! If the school that the OP's child goes to has a similar ethos i can see why the teacher's reaction appeared OTT!

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