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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel humiliated.

258 replies

Tomatefarcie · 15/07/2011 18:08

This morning, while dropping DD1 (7) off, I overheard her say something nasty to another little girl. I was just on my way out so came back to the little lobby where they hang their coats. I gave her a gentle telling off, she apologized to the little girl, but a 3rd girl joined in and started having a go at the other girl.

I asked them all to stop, which they did. They went in their classroom, and I started making my way out. I then overheard the girls starting to bicker again, so walked in the classroom, smiled at DD's teacher, said to her (with a smile), "the girls are bickering". I then turned to the 3 girls, and said "come on girls, it's a beautiful day out there, don't waste it bickering, shake hands and smile!", in a very light hearted manner. The girls did just that, smiled and went to sit down.

The teachers were almost next to me, heard the whole thing (which lasted 2 minutes). They smiled at me and off I went.

At 2:15 this afternoon, I received a phone call from the headmistress. Basically, DD's teacher felt overwhelmed by me talking to the girls, it should not have happened, and gave me a stern telling off. I was so shocked that I didn't even think of anything to reply. I did say that the teachers were next to me almost, and I made eye contact with them, and smiled. She kept on nonetheless.

So at pickup earlier, I went to see DD's teacher. the conversation was very awkward on my part as she had huge mirrored aviator sunglasses on, which prevented me from seeing her eyes completely. Anyway, she said that I shouldnt have done what I did, that I intimidated the children by telling them off, was loud, and made a show of it. I was - and still am- stunned.

I was in such good mood, didn't tell them off as such, just playfully asked them to shake hands and stop bickering, which took me less time than it did typing it just now.I had no idea that what I was doing was wrong, (was it?), let the teachers know what it was about (the bickering), and was smiled at the both the teacher and the TA.

The way DD's teacher talked to me at pickup time made me feel that big (I got treated to "make sure it doesn't happen again" for example), and I thought a huge mountain had been made out of a molehill by involving the headmistress. I did ask her why she didn't come and see me straight away, or at least sort of signal me to stop, or come over and ask "is everything ok?". she said "because it was the morning".

I must admit to having this humiliation feeling, and I'm honestly dreading September as she will then be DD2's teacher!

I'm sitting on my hands not to write an email to the Head. AIBU?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/07/2011 19:06

Tomatefarcie... Not what I'd call 'deep' really. Trivial, certainly but you didn't mention that fellow-bickeree's mother was a friend of yours... that was an important piece of information, no?

If ever there was a school that needed bouncers on the door.... Grin

Anyway, I'm exhaustef by the thrills and spills and twists and turns of this exciting escapade so I'm going back to my Jonathan Creek...

qwepoi · 15/07/2011 19:14

I don't think yabu. If the teacher thought it was wrong she should have stopped you then and there esp if she thought you were 'intimidating' the children. No idea if should have been in the classroom, I'm a secondary school teacher. If a parent told a child off when I was around I'd intervene if they were wrong and say thank you if they were right. Why she felt need for you to get told off by the head, I think she must be very unsure of herself and perhaps realises she isn't quite in full control of discipline in her classroom! I frequently tell off badly behaved children in soft play etc, they always look completely stunned. Some one has to do it! I don't see why it matters if the children felt 'intimidated' if they were being nasty in the first place.
I wouldn't take the matter further though, maybe appologise in a 'sorry if I offended you, I wish you'd asked me to stop at the time' way to the teacher.

WineAndPizza · 15/07/2011 19:20

Blimey, give it a rest...the OP has said several times that she has taken on board the comments and is prepared to accept she was unreasonable. No need to keep on at her.

wellamI1981 · 15/07/2011 19:27

Oh come on. It doesn't sound like OP went in all guns blazing. Just a 'come on now girls'. The teacher might have been privately a bit Hmm but that's where it should have ended. Here OP Wine.

Original poster
Tomatefarcie · 15/07/2011 19:34

I admit that I should just have left it. I didn't think for a minute that there might be an issue. My mistake.

However I could have done with being talked to like an adult.

It's interesting to see that some teachers on here are of different opinions. Maybe the line should be made clear at induction day for parents to know their exact boundaries?

I will obviously leave it at that.

Thanks all for your input, very interesting!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tomatefarcie · 15/07/2011 19:38

No guns blazing at all. A big smile on my face in fact. It wasn't what I would call a "telling off" even.

OP posts:
suzikettles · 15/07/2011 19:53

If you're worried about it hanging over the summer,particularly if this is going to be your dd's teacher next year, how about biting the bullet and having a quick word on Monday.

Something along the lines of "I'm so embarrassed about what happened on Friday. It was completely inappropriate. It's your classroom and I should have left you to deal with it. I just wanted to apologise - hope there's no hard feelings"

Then hopefully she'll say something along the lines of "Oh don't worry about it" and change the subject and it will all have been smoothed over.

Even if you don't feel you're in the wrong I think a gracious apology always helps in this sort of situation where you have to have an ongoing relationship with someone. No need to grovel, just smooth the troubled waters and move on with a clear conscience Smile

Goblinchild · 15/07/2011 19:57

Or just say sorry that you upset her and made her feel overwhelmed.
I've apologised to parents when I've made a mistake, or when something that I thought was insignificant was a huge deal to them.
I don't see the problem with making a peace gesture, it's to benefit your child in the long run. Not that I'm thinking the teacher would be unprofessional in her dealings, just that she may well feel on edge and defensive around you in future. Which is uncomfortable for both parties.

SydSaid · 15/07/2011 20:03

I am right in thinking that your dd was being nasty to another girl, and thats what started this off?

And all through the 'incident' your dd was involved?

IMO, it is my right as a parent to deal with any situation that involves MY CHILDREN. In school, certainly the teachers have that right as well, but it does not detract from that being my responsibility.

I think YANBU at all. IMO the teacher is being oddly sensitive and the head should see this for what it is. Does the head realise that your dd was involved in it?

superjobeespecs · 15/07/2011 20:09

woah settle down there OP i did not 'make stuff up' i read that you went into your daughters classroom in the morning and pulled her and her friends up about their behaviousr infront of the teacher basically making a song and dance. for all intents and purposes the classroom would have children in it no? whether in a corner or not how can you actually know that you were not heard by them? are you psychic? a mind-reader? or just a little bit too put out and on your high horsey?!

diddl · 15/07/2011 20:12

"IMO, it is my right as a parent to deal with any situation that involves MY CHILDREN"

I would have thought that as soon as they walk into the classroom, it´s up to the teacher to discipline.

Also, OP had already told them to stop and the obvioulsy took no notice.

Goblinchild · 15/07/2011 20:12

'IMO, it is my right as a parent to deal with any situation that involves MY CHILDREN'

That attitude is why it's always better to involve the head in delicate situations. Mine has been known to advise parents to take their child elsewhere if they dislike the school line on things.

snailoon · 15/07/2011 20:14

The teacher sounds terribly insecure. A good, experienced teacher would have been completely comfortable, and would have realised you were acting on instinct but would have immediately come forward to take control.
You weren't charging into the class and interfering, but following up on something the teacher couldn't have been aware of.

PaperBank · 15/07/2011 20:15

YABU. Once they're in the classroom, it's up to the teacher.

BeerTricksPotter · 15/07/2011 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Tomatefarcie · 15/07/2011 20:17

Super, you do come out with some funny things. Grin

OP posts:
SydSaid · 15/07/2011 20:36

So if my child is playing up in school, and I am there, I should just stand back and watch and leave the teacher to it?

Really?

What if the teacher is on the other side of the classroom dealing with another child. Do I ignore it, or do I call her over? What would the protocol be, because there is obviously a chapter in my parents handbook missing.

ihatecbeebies · 15/07/2011 20:38

Oh dear OP I cringed when I read your post, you were completely unreasonable and out of line. We're not even allowed as far as the cloakroom, we wait in the playground, I'd not be happy at all if I found out parents were taking it upon themselves to walk into the classroom and tell my DS off, the teacher was right in contacting the head as clearly you had no respect of her authority based on the way you behaved.

Goblinchild · 15/07/2011 20:39

Why would you be in the classroom Syd?
If it's after school, then you can do what you like with your child.
I love watching the social interactions in the playground at collection time, the shrieking and stomping, the throwing of items to be carried at a parent all by KS2 children.
Out of hours, they're all yours.

diddl · 15/07/2011 20:39

Well yes, SydSaid-as why are you in the classroom in the first place?

SydSaid · 15/07/2011 20:43

Why? I've been in many times. When my children were starting school it was expected that parents would settle their kids in the classroom before leaving. I've been in to collect them for dental appointments, doctor appointments, optician appointments, and then again to drop them back off again afterwards.

All perfectly normal in the school my children went to. Is that unusual?

diddl · 15/07/2011 20:46

Totally wierd to me tbh.

We´ve never taken them into the classroom & always make appointments for out of school hrs.

But OP wasn´t just talking about her child-and also followed into the classroom.

superjobeespecs · 15/07/2011 20:48

perhaps i do but at the end of the day at least mine was funny and not condescending whilst over-riding another persons professional role :)

SydSaid · 15/07/2011 20:48

'always make appointment for out of school hours'. Obviously thats the desireable thing, but with an optician that works three days a week, a dental surgery that allocates appointments by post and although you can rebook, it usually involves a 2 month wait, and a doctors surgery that works from 9am - 1pm, it's not always possible!

Goblinchild · 15/07/2011 20:50

Our children are collected from the office to avoid random people roaming free around the school. If you started challenging children that were not yours on their behaviour, you would have to wait in the office and your child would be brought to you.

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