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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel humiliated.

258 replies

Tomatefarcie · 15/07/2011 18:08

This morning, while dropping DD1 (7) off, I overheard her say something nasty to another little girl. I was just on my way out so came back to the little lobby where they hang their coats. I gave her a gentle telling off, she apologized to the little girl, but a 3rd girl joined in and started having a go at the other girl.

I asked them all to stop, which they did. They went in their classroom, and I started making my way out. I then overheard the girls starting to bicker again, so walked in the classroom, smiled at DD's teacher, said to her (with a smile), "the girls are bickering". I then turned to the 3 girls, and said "come on girls, it's a beautiful day out there, don't waste it bickering, shake hands and smile!", in a very light hearted manner. The girls did just that, smiled and went to sit down.

The teachers were almost next to me, heard the whole thing (which lasted 2 minutes). They smiled at me and off I went.

At 2:15 this afternoon, I received a phone call from the headmistress. Basically, DD's teacher felt overwhelmed by me talking to the girls, it should not have happened, and gave me a stern telling off. I was so shocked that I didn't even think of anything to reply. I did say that the teachers were next to me almost, and I made eye contact with them, and smiled. She kept on nonetheless.

So at pickup earlier, I went to see DD's teacher. the conversation was very awkward on my part as she had huge mirrored aviator sunglasses on, which prevented me from seeing her eyes completely. Anyway, she said that I shouldnt have done what I did, that I intimidated the children by telling them off, was loud, and made a show of it. I was - and still am- stunned.

I was in such good mood, didn't tell them off as such, just playfully asked them to shake hands and stop bickering, which took me less time than it did typing it just now.I had no idea that what I was doing was wrong, (was it?), let the teachers know what it was about (the bickering), and was smiled at the both the teacher and the TA.

The way DD's teacher talked to me at pickup time made me feel that big (I got treated to "make sure it doesn't happen again" for example), and I thought a huge mountain had been made out of a molehill by involving the headmistress. I did ask her why she didn't come and see me straight away, or at least sort of signal me to stop, or come over and ask "is everything ok?". she said "because it was the morning".

I must admit to having this humiliation feeling, and I'm honestly dreading September as she will then be DD2's teacher!

I'm sitting on my hands not to write an email to the Head. AIBU?

OP posts:
superjobeespecs · 15/07/2011 18:40

the teacher was a bit of a knob about it she could have had a word with you at pick up time. less stress making for both of you i'd assume. its done now just ne extra careful not to step on her toes in september Wink

Original poster
Tomatefarcie · 15/07/2011 18:40

Superjobeespecs, read post at 18:42 before making stuff up. Did not do song and dance in front of anybody thankyouverymuch.

OP posts:
diddl · 15/07/2011 18:41

OP- I find it hard to believe that you really think it´s OK to walk into a classroom & discipline children there!

Maybe the teacher said nothing as she was too stunned-or didn´t want to humiliate you by telling you to shut up & get out of her classroom!

sue52 · 15/07/2011 18:41

YABU to chastise the girls in the teacher's classroom. The teacher should have been quick to interrupt your flow with a cheery "I'll take it from here thank you". The head teacher is being very unreasonable and OTT to call and lecture you about it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/07/2011 18:41

But would it have made a difference to you, Tomatefarcie if there had been a classful of children? You didn't think you were doing anything wrong. Another teacher might not have been so annoyed but teacher's really do have to protect themselves from parents nowadays. It's so different from when I was in junior school, parents were really 'hands-off', let the teachers sort it out back then, or so it seemed.

You didn't do anything 'wrong', just did what you did the 'wrong way' - and addressing pupils not your children is obviously the wrong thing to do.

I probably would have done the same thing as you, thoughtlessly, and never given it a thought until the sucker-punch from the Headteacher. Don't take it to heart, it will all be yesterday's news by tomorrow, but please don't think that the teacher will take it out on your daughter come September, that would really be undermining her professioanlism.

Have a Brew or a Wine and forget about it... if you can. :)

WriterofDreams · 15/07/2011 18:42

It's likely that the teacher has had previous similar situations that got out of control and came down hard on you even though you weren't really that out of order. I'm a teacher and have experienced parents who, if you let them into the classroom just once will wander in at all times of the day and sometimes talk to you during lessons (no joke!). In one situation we had to come down very hard on parents because it was getting out of control. You realise now that you were in the wrong but your heart was in the right place.

CheshireDing · 15/07/2011 18:43

Aww I feel for you OP, bit pathetic of the Head to ring you too.

Gutted as you are now def do not write to the Head, just grin, bear it and you will probably feel better tomorrow.

I too have realised today that sometimes it's best just to shut your mouth for a quite life (having had an experience this afternoon).

I am sure you will feel better tomorrow, best to just let it go.

Goblinchild · 15/07/2011 18:43

Come September when the rule has changed and parents are no longer allowed in the cloakrooms and the classroom without good reason.
Ours say goodbye in the playground.

Original poster
Tomatefarcie · 15/07/2011 18:45

I understand the comparison to my kids in my own car. However, if my kids were in my car arguing, say in the school car park, and their teacher walked passed and said "come on girls, stop bickering, it's the holiday soon!" in a cheerful manner, I would certainly not feel undermined, offended, etc etc. In fact, it would most definitely sort the girls out. Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Tomatefarcie · 15/07/2011 18:46

diddl, you can't have read the thread, I have already admitted that I had been unreasonable, and was quite happy to do so!

OP posts:
worraliberty · 15/07/2011 18:46

Why is it wrong of the teacher to mention this to her boss...and why is the head teacher 'pathetic' to ring the OP?

For goodness sake the HT is responsible for the day to day running of the school. If she/he doesn't want parents interfering in the classrooms, they have every right to say so.

DaisySteiner · 15/07/2011 18:49

Was just going to ask why the OP was even in the lobby. We are 'strongly encouraged' to leave our children at the door from year 1. Personally I haven't set foot inside the door since the first day of reception, they're quite capable of putting their things away without any help given the chance to do so.

Original poster
Tomatefarcie · 15/07/2011 18:49

As for September, I am not worried about DD2 as such, just feeling a bit awkward! As pp have said, it'll pass.

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 15/07/2011 18:51

I'm cringing for you OP.
I'd suggest you say nothing and hope the teacher has forgotten about it by September.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/07/2011 18:52

OP... I've just seen your other post. Why have you talked to the mother of the little girl? Do you really need validation that your wrong actions were right, that badly? You've now involved another parent who might also talk to the teacher/Head. Are you happy with the school generally? You come across as a really persistent parent who thinks they know how things should be done. I feel sorry for the teacher, it sounds like you confronted her at pick-up time. :(

diddl · 15/07/2011 18:54

Yes, I have read the thread-I am just amazed that you ever thought it was an acceptable thing to do.

Did you apologise to the teacher?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 15/07/2011 18:56

Sorry, I missed the bit where you agreed that you were unreasonable. I do think though that you need to let this go and not involve anybody else in the day's events. The teacher might feel even more undermined and determine that you are out to make a point when you obviousy aren't.

A phrase springs to mind... 'When you're in a hole....' Blush

Original poster
Tomatefarcie · 15/07/2011 18:56

I talked to the mum as we're friends!! Lying, that is a deep analysis of this situation, I mentioned it to her, we are mates, no need for validation of my wrong-doings, faaaaackin' 'ell!!!!!

I'm persistent because I mentioned to my mate that the girls were bickering this morning?????

OP posts:
Original poster
Tomatefarcie · 15/07/2011 18:58

Off out but will come back to this later, very interesting!

OP posts:
pigletmania · 15/07/2011 18:58

Use this as an experience op and don't beat yourself about it. Nextime you see anything wrong just mention it to the teacher.

worraliberty · 15/07/2011 18:59

Bit of a drip feed that she was the DD of your friend...

Either way, when you gave your DD a 'gentle telling off'...it obviously went in one ear and straight out the other, so perhaps the teacher would have done a better job...had you told he the truth.

HowlingBitch · 15/07/2011 19:01

My close friend is a primary school teacher and she is sitting here abit Confused (actually her exact words were "She needs the stick out of her arse"

Why on earth did the teacher take something so trivial so personally? You were just trying to defuse a situation that involved your DD and her friends. Why does it matter that it was in the class room? It's not some secret domain and OP hardly caused a huge fuss. Don't sweat it Tomatefarcie she sounds abit off to me.

Sassybeast · 15/07/2011 19:04

'Cringing' for you OP. I'd be tempted to focus your angst on dealing with a 7 year old who thinks that it's okay to say something 'nasty' (in your words) to another child within earshot of her own mother. That's not 'bickering' and rather than march into the classroom, I think you should have marched her back inside and given her an earful.

michelleseashell · 15/07/2011 19:05

I think your sense of embarrassment over the incident proves you have enough social intelligence to judge when you're being too forward. You obviously thought you weren't and it's completely understandable that you feel hurt by this telling off.

It is unfortunate but I'd try not to dwell on it. It's one of those awkward moments that you are best pretending didn't happen.

WhoAteMySnickers · 15/07/2011 19:05

"the girls are bickering"

Hmmm, "my DD and this second girl are being nasty to this third girl" might have been more appropriate.

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