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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go and see new baby because of this?

178 replies

Piggyleroux · 12/07/2011 18:00

Dh's db and his wife had their first baby yesterday. Bil called us this morning to give us a 'time slot' to visit which is not until Monday. They are being a bit pfb about the whole thing but each to their own and I understand they don't want to be overwhelmed with visitors.

Bil called again this afternoon to request that when we visit we leave ds at home. He is 15 mo. Bil said that his dw does not want any disruptions and wants to maintain a peaceful environment. We are unclear whether this extends to other family members on his dw side as we are the only ones on his side with a child.

I have refused to go on the basis that if ds isn't welcome then I will not be coming either. We have no one to leave him with, they live a two hour drive away and he is part of the family. I even offered to sit in the car with him while dh sees the baby and then I will go in, but they refused saying that they are worried that a young child will make noise????

In laws reckon I am being childish, but I don't think so. Apologies if I don't reply straight away but am due in work.

OP posts:

lukewarmmama · 13/07/2011 08:47

OP - What's wrong with just visiting them for half an hour like they've asked? No bad feeling for the future then, and tbh a visit to someone with a newborn shouldn't be much longer. It's a hell of a tough time.

waterrat · 13/07/2011 09:06

blimey this poor new mum. She is feeling fragile and possibly, yes, is being a bit bonkers. But what's with her getting such a hard time? Why can't people just go along with what she wants - it's really, really not a big deal. Just see her for half an hour and forget about it. Imagine how hurtful it will be for her if her brother and sister don't come to see her.

Surely the thing to do here is be the bigger person, bearing in mind the new mum really should not be dealing with tantrums/ arguments from her family. I think it's fair enough that she wants things a certain way - I can't believe how much of a fuss you are all making about this.

Grow up, do what she asks and do it with a smile. If you decide to leave it till later she could feel hurt, upset and isolated - what if she is beginning to get PND? Her thoughts may not be rational - but I think you should respect them.

AlpinePony · 13/07/2011 09:09

They are being PFB and YABU.

I don't know how many thousand times I've seen on mn "your baby, your rules".

She'll realise she's mad in 6 months, but for now you suck it up and smile.

ChristinedePizan · 13/07/2011 09:12

This thread has reminded me that my best mate came to see me the day after my PFB CS and brought her 3 year old DD with her. Her DD wasn't allowed onto the ward (so my mum stayed outside with her) and I remember being absolutely stunned that she had brought her with her at all

I'm not sure what I expected her to do with her but I just don't think logistics with older children occur to you with a PFB. I found them all very scary and loud and sticky. :o

EmmaBemma · 13/07/2011 09:12

I think they're being quite unreasonable about not wanting your son there, but not going to see them because of it is a bit spiteful - you're doing it to make a point and as others have said, first babies can make people a bit bonkers so in your shoes I'd be cutting some slack. If your son can't go and you need to stay with him, why can't your husband go on his own?

Ivortheengine8 · 13/07/2011 09:18

But OP said its 2 hours away. 4 hours in the car with a toddler just for half an hour?

thekidsmom · 13/07/2011 09:30

Just don't go. You can't leave your own baby, its a ridiculous amount of driving for a strained 'hello'. Wait until they are more sure of themselves and then all go together.

As for new mum, its her baby and her home, she can choose! But you dont have to go along with it...

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/07/2011 09:36

YABU and they're nutters. I'd steer clear if I were you and tell them why (you can't leave DS and it's a long way to come for a scheduled half-hour 'slot' etc). See them when they relax a bit. I don't disagree that they can stipulate what they want, but you also have the right not to go along with their stipulations, especially if they make your life so hard.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/07/2011 09:37

Sorry, meant YANBU obviously!!!

lukewarmmama · 13/07/2011 10:10

Ivor - they can do something else, they don't have to get straight back in the car after half an hour!

The OP's original issue was that her own DS wasn't invited, not anything to do with the driving at all. Now he is invited, but quite understandably, the length of visit is limited. So no reason not to go now. Or get the PILs to look after her DS whilst they go, but they are still not going to be able to stay that long.

ChocaMum · 13/07/2011 11:02

I think you should go now they've asked DS too. You don't want to cause any long term issues, at the end of the day it is your DH's DB you are talking about too so it's not fair on them.

I do see why you feel resentment at how they didn't consider how you felt when they came to see your DS, I found it horrible too. But unless you've been through it yourself it is very hard to know how overwhelming the early days are. So I think should go, especially as they have come round to DS going. We've all been there so try to be sympathetic. And they will come back to normality eventually!

BeattieBow · 13/07/2011 11:08

my sister's maternity ward didn't allow any children apart from siblings. I left mine at home and didn't mind at all.

I think you and the sister are being a bit precious tbh. either send dh on his own, or go together, but really don't make it an issue that she doesn't want your ds there. It is overwhelming going through labour, especially the first one, and I think that it is perfectly reasonable to specify who you want to visit.

A bit more understanding wouldn't go amiss I think.

BeattieBow · 13/07/2011 11:10

I don't think they're being PFB at all. How many threads do we have on here from first time mothers wanting to limit visitors after the birth? the advice is always overwhelmingly that it is your decision.

berylmuspratt · 13/07/2011 11:12

That is bizarre - YANBU !! When DS was born - our one and only - I invited people round, they brought cake, I had a nap - it was great :)

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 13/07/2011 11:12

Isn't limiting visitors different from specifying who can and can't come though?
And asking people to leave out a child seems particularly unfriendly, as well as suggesting that they haven't thought or don't care about the logistics that involves.

Quenelle · 13/07/2011 11:13

They are being silly but being brand new parents they've got a lot to learn. And they will learn...quickly!

Once they realise their PFB is not made of glass they'll loosen up a bit. In the meantime, if you actually care about them and think they're worth the bother, be kind and supportive. If there's anything else you can do within the area to justify a two hour drive for a half hour visit perhaps you can make a day of it. Otherwise, leave it for now, but don't be arsey about it.

And I absolutely agree with taking a homecooked meal for them if you do visit. It was the single best thing that anyone did for us when DS was born.

Inertia · 13/07/2011 11:46

Just apologise for not being able to go as you have no child care.

Taking a 15mo on a 4 hour round trip and expecting him to sit in a hot sticky car while your DH goes in the house would be crazy, don't even go there.

Maybe your in-laws could look after your DS so you can visit, if they think you are being childish?

I think your BIL and SIL will soon find out that the world doesn't stop for their baby, but they are still in those hormonal, exhausted early days- just leave them to it.

azazello · 13/07/2011 12:00

YABU for planning to take your DS. IMO it isn't fair on a 15 month old to expect him to sit in the car for 4 hours to visit something which cries, sleeps and poos - let him wait until it is bigger and more fun because I don't think babies are to toddlers.

I also think you're being a bit unfair on the new parents. They are being a bit PFB, but having just given birth to your first child kind of causes that doesn't it? If they're still being anxious about older toddlers at say Christmas time, ywnbu at all to be a bit annoyed, but give them a break at the moment. Send your DH with a picture from your DS and a meal and just feel happy for them.

mrsgboring · 13/07/2011 12:21

YABU. Do they live in the Badlands or something? Surely there is a nearbyish park (or interesting walk to the letterbox) you can take the toddler to while each parent takes it in turns with the new baby.

I pretty much take my children everywhere and never leave them with anyone, but I think your BIL and SIL are right that 15 month olds and tiny brand new babies and brand new parents do not mix. A couple with a first baby will almost certainly have baby stuff EVERYWHERE. Every newborn house I've ever seen has been littered with muslins and baby equipment, and on top of that the baby is not mobile so there will be no childproofing in a firstborn's house - breakable and swallowable stuff within easy reach. It's not a relaxing environment for you or the child - too many things they can destroy without even thinking about it. You won't be able to concentrate, no-one will have a good time.

But I think you can perfectly easily combine the visit with something else to make the trip worthwhile, babysit your DS more effectively than keeping him in the car and make the visit a success.

OTheHugeManatee · 13/07/2011 12:24

They're being a bit PFB, but the best thing you can do is be gracious and let your DH go by himself. Send a card with congratulations, and apologies that you can't be there because of childcare. Then suck it up, and laugh about it with them when their PFB is a bit older.

CotesduRhone · 13/07/2011 12:29

I think YANBU to slightly roll your eyes. I think YABU to be hurt, as it's not really anything to do with your DS (who won't give a toss anyway) and clearly they're anxious about all this so why not let them ease into new parenthood on their own terms and NOT on yours?

So: don't go, but do a whole breezy "ah, couldn't get a sitter, so looking forward to seeing the baby when you've all settled in" etc.

CotesduRhone · 13/07/2011 12:30

And then mercilessly rib them about all this in coming years, particularly about how they turned up at the hospital for yours. Heh.

cambridgeferret · 13/07/2011 12:41

Deffo a bad case of PFBitis.

Had it myself with DD1 when I got nervous about a friend holding her.......friend had two kids of her own and humoured me with a smile.

DD2 on the other hand was handed about like a packet of sweets .

Don't even bother arguing it, let DH go on his own.

fedupofnamechanging · 13/07/2011 12:57

I can understand that new parents don't want other peoples noisy, messy kids around their precious new baby, but what they are forgetting is that you feel about your child the way they feel about theirs. It is very hurtful to be told your child isn't welcome.

While it makes sense to stagger visits, it does give the impression that visitors are there on sufferance, rather than being actively welcomed. I don't think I'd be up for a 4 hour round trip to just be tolerated for half an hour. It is also quite arrogant to assume that everybody is so desperate to see their baby that they will put up with having the terms dictated. New parents who want to stagger visits need to manage it with a degree of tact and diplomacy.

Still, they are not wrong to want time to settle, so in this instance, I would either delay until they are more open to visits or I would indulge them this once, but make it clear next time that you are not going to leave your own baby at home, because your baby is as important to you as theirs is to them.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 13/07/2011 17:51

If you feel the same way about your 15 month old as you did the day after they were born I pity that child.

Getting into a pissing contest about whose child is the more important is really not a good look.

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