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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go and see new baby because of this?

178 replies

Piggyleroux · 12/07/2011 18:00

Dh's db and his wife had their first baby yesterday. Bil called us this morning to give us a 'time slot' to visit which is not until Monday. They are being a bit pfb about the whole thing but each to their own and I understand they don't want to be overwhelmed with visitors.

Bil called again this afternoon to request that when we visit we leave ds at home. He is 15 mo. Bil said that his dw does not want any disruptions and wants to maintain a peaceful environment. We are unclear whether this extends to other family members on his dw side as we are the only ones on his side with a child.

I have refused to go on the basis that if ds isn't welcome then I will not be coming either. We have no one to leave him with, they live a two hour drive away and he is part of the family. I even offered to sit in the car with him while dh sees the baby and then I will go in, but they refused saying that they are worried that a young child will make noise????

In laws reckon I am being childish, but I don't think so. Apologies if I don't reply straight away but am due in work.

OP posts:
PotPourri · 13/07/2011 00:23

YANBU. butI think you should not make it a big issue (all the talk of refusing point blank etc etc). Just say that you can't make it as you have no childcare, and that you will see them soon, once things have settled down and they are ready for your dc to meet their cousin etc. Be reassuring, there is no rush and you are happy to wait until it is going to suit them.

What you actually think you shoudl just keep to yourself imo. They will 'get' it in time. But right now they are in a little bubble - which is fair enough tbh. It's a big adjustment, even for those who take to it like a duck to water.

Morloth · 13/07/2011 00:35

LOL, just laugh, they are being ridiculous, send DH on his own, newborns are pretty dull anyway so it isn't as though you are missing anything.

piprabbit · 13/07/2011 00:47

I can just imagine them sitting in silence gazing in awe at their PFB - and expecting everyone else to be dumbstruck too.

But it really would be a kindness if somebody took the time to explain to them that most babies like a bit of noise - they've been used to it while inside mum and can find it reassuring and calming on the outside. That's why some babies find the sound of hoovers or washing machines relaxing.

differentnameforthis · 13/07/2011 01:28

Why can't people just respect other people's wishes without resorting to calling them names?

It is up to them who visits when. Yes, ok so refusing to let your dc go seems silly to us, but that is their wish, they want peace for their child's first week (baby will only be a week old after all) and toddlers can be quite full on around babies.

So they are in for a shock when they have another, so we are all seasoned parents who know everything Hmm, blah blah blah.

Their house. Their baby. Their choice.

whatever17 · 13/07/2011 01:36

TBH - I remember being so overwhelmed with people when the DCs were born. I would not take a child, dog or accept a cup of tea myself. Just go, hold the baby and coo and then leave.

jasper · 13/07/2011 01:42

I wouldn't rush to drive two hours to visit ANYONE I didn't know, whatever age

sunnydelight · 13/07/2011 06:12

If they lived round the corner so you and your DH could take turns, or you had regular childcare for your son then I would say "their baby, their choice" though I do find it a bit odd to exclude a child from celebrating another child's arrival in the family. However, bearing in mind they live two hours away I really can't see the point in issuing an invitation that you clearly can't take up, or maybe that's the idea? I'm snorting at the "maintain a peaceful environment", but that's just because I'm so far past the baby stage I struggle to find PFBness even vaguely amusing any more.

jugglingmug · 13/07/2011 06:47

YABU. Toddlers are scary when you've just had your first precious baby. Couldnt you get dropped off at a local park or cafe for an hour while DH goes to visit baby. I can understand why they wouldnt want one of you sitting in the car outside...they would feel pressured to let DS come in.

You are being as PFB as they are.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 13/07/2011 06:48

Send DH with a present and a card saying you are unable to come as have no childcare but look forward to seeing the baby in the future and arm DH with a camera.

Some of us find pregnancy and small babies very difficult. When I was pregnant with DD, I looked after a friend's 9 month old. Good job DH worked from home as it took 2 of us to feed him a banana. We were absolutely no better when DD was born and I look at her and think flipping heck, it's a miracle she's made it to 12 considering how bad we were at the baby bit, even my Mum says well yes you were quite bad at that bit and she tried hard to be supportive at the time.

Soon passes though, was on tenterhooks yesterday waiting for phonecall from friend as to she had won appeal for her DS's upper school (she did) and we're a long way away from bananagate. You'll look back at these days with hint of nostalgia as it passes all too quickly - I used to want to thump my Dad when he said that to me but to be fair, turns out he was right.

lovecat · 13/07/2011 07:06

I thought YABabitU with your first post, but your second one confirms it. It seems to be all about you and your hurt feelings on behalf of your DS (who won't CARE), tbh.

I would imagine they have put the car embargo in place (which, yes, on the face of it sounds utterly nuts) because they think you would find an excuse to come in with your DS once you were there/they would feel guilt-tripped into allowing you both inside.

Do you have history with them, I wonder?

So many times on MN I see threads with expectant mothers in a state because their families insist on being there en-masse 5 minutes after they've got home and everyone says no, you are entitled to your space, don't let them in. But then it appears if you go ahead and tell them not to come you're a PFB passive-agressive loon...Confused

Ivortheengine8 · 13/07/2011 07:10

I understand their concern.....sort of, but seriously if you are going to drive for 2 hours and have no one to look after your DS that is a bit bonkers.
Even if it is their first, I had all of my brothers family around including their three children in the first week (and they are Nigerian and very noisy!)
I am due in October and the little darling with have a lovely 23 month old to listen to all day!

mollschambers · 13/07/2011 07:18

They're trying to put you off coming I think.

"Tell then if the must come it has to be at this time and not to bring their baby, kind of thing"

Original poster
Piggyleroux · 13/07/2011 07:19

Dh spoke to bil last night and apparently when they told dw's sister that she couldn't bring her four yo she went spare and said she would nt come either.

So, they have now said we can bring ds but can only stay for half an hour. Dh said let's not bother and go and see the baby when they are more settled.

I think what's pissing me right off is that when ds was born, they visited me in hospital the next day without telling anyone they were coming. I had a traumatic labour which resulted in emcs, looked as rough as arseholes and really would have preferred no visitors. Hey ho.

OP posts:
mollschambers · 13/07/2011 07:20

Tell them if they

Ivortheengine8 · 13/07/2011 07:26

Piggy, just let it go like your DP says, go another time if they are going to be like that, especially when like you say they came to see you in hospital after emcs without saying. They can't just expect you to get someone to look after your DC for the day or your sister.

working9while5 · 13/07/2011 07:46

You are being completely unreasonable, I can't see why you've got so much support.

Your labour is a bit irrelevant here, m'dear. If they visited you without asking, they didn't even have kids so how would they have known what it might have been like for you? Haven't you heard the phrase "nothing prepares you"?

You should know better from your vantage point. Lots of us had traumatic labours and would have preferred no visitors, sure, but I'd bet a lot also wish they'd had the guts to ask for them and not stick to it. The fact that I was a martyr to the visiting routine when ds wasn't feeding, I was crying non-stop and literally couldn't sit up or hold him without support seems inutterably foolish to me with the benefit of hindsight.

Your kid is lovely and precious too.. all kids are precious and I say this without any sneering because they are, and while I understand the "pfb" moniker when applied to little Charley needing to have total silence while he opens his birthday presents type of nonsense, it is NOT nonsensical, twattish, numptyish, ridiculous, stupid or unkind to not want a toddler all over your tiny newborn.

My SIL had two toddlers when my ds was born and I NEVER asked her to keep them away or even hinted at it but she just did. She came and visited and her kids got sent to the park. They had flown all the way from Ireland! Chill out, get over yourself.

HumphreyCobbler · 13/07/2011 07:54

Jesus, only the pathologically self-obsessed and paranoid would read it like that.

Good god SheCutOffTheirTails, did you READ the rest of my post?

I was trying to empathise with the OP as she was getting a bit of a bashing by saying I could understand why she was miffed. I said I would be mildly miffed and then said how I left my own PFB behind when visiting a newborn by my own choice.

HumphreyCobbler · 13/07/2011 07:55

sorry pressed post too soon

hardly the actions of a pathologically self obsessed person actually

so there

diddl · 13/07/2011 07:59

Well that´s that sorted then!

And I´m guessing she said no to the sitting in the car as she knew that it was unlikely to happen.

DuelingFanjo · 13/07/2011 08:06

Ah - so you are pissed off too about the way they visited you. I think that this could now be the start of a rift between you all, spacially as other SIL has now kicked off. It's a shame because in the middle of all this is a new baby.

I agree, visit at a later time.

exoticfruits · 13/07/2011 08:09

If everyone just said 'we will wait a few weeks' when given time slots by pfb parents they would have to realise they were being over controlling.

qwepoi · 13/07/2011 08:14

YABU - their baby, their choice. If my dsis had had a baby I wouldn't even consider taking my toddler. And if I couldn't find childcare I'd either go on my own and leave dh or go later.
Personally after I had my babies I was exhausted, tearful, sore, very anxious about looking after the fragile little creatures, painful boobs and my one and only thought was to get bf established (which was tough) we had a no visitors rule for the first week and it was the best decision for us. I only just coped with the first week and narrowly avoided PND (I think, with hindsight). Call it PFBish if you like but we aren't all the same!! People popping in and out would have been a nightmare.

qwepoi · 13/07/2011 08:19

And what's with the sneering at people sitting and gazing at their firstborn. The first week was tough for me but still so special; baby (ies) DH, and me. We just wanted to spend time getting to know each other, not haiving to make cups of tea and small talk!

diddl · 13/07/2011 08:22

I also wonder why people are sneering so much at the new mother.

When others have posted their intention to have no visitors for say a couple of weeks, it´s all"your baby, your choice", and "oh yes, you´ll never get that time again"

Does it only apply if the new mum in question is an MNer?

qwepoi · 13/07/2011 08:30

Also if you are establishing bf you are likely to be demand feeding - and not everyone will be comfortable at bf in front of others esp at first. My dd 2 was so vicious at feeding I was sobbing in pain at every feed and crying before while I tried to summon up the mental strength. Boobs were so sore I had to be completely topless. I was really in no state for visitors - and the thought of a germy and rough toddler would have had me in hysterics!