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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go and see new baby because of this?

178 replies

Piggyleroux · 12/07/2011 18:00

Dh's db and his wife had their first baby yesterday. Bil called us this morning to give us a 'time slot' to visit which is not until Monday. They are being a bit pfb about the whole thing but each to their own and I understand they don't want to be overwhelmed with visitors.

Bil called again this afternoon to request that when we visit we leave ds at home. He is 15 mo. Bil said that his dw does not want any disruptions and wants to maintain a peaceful environment. We are unclear whether this extends to other family members on his dw side as we are the only ones on his side with a child.

I have refused to go on the basis that if ds isn't welcome then I will not be coming either. We have no one to leave him with, they live a two hour drive away and he is part of the family. I even offered to sit in the car with him while dh sees the baby and then I will go in, but they refused saying that they are worried that a young child will make noise????

In laws reckon I am being childish, but I don't think so. Apologies if I don't reply straight away but am due in work.

OP posts:
Ripeberry · 12/07/2011 18:14

S ounds like another bonkers person I know. Their baby has to have a routine down to perfection. MUST always sleep at home in the cot, NEVER in the car or a strange place, so now the child is almost 8months old and they have never been away from the house as it would disturb the routine Hmm

They won't have anyone over if it's baby's nap time and won't go to playgroups in case other kids hurt him.

Enough to make you mental, but I think it's more PND Sad

pirateparty · 12/07/2011 18:16

They are being very pdb certainly, but I wonder if there is more to it. I can remember being very anxious about germs with ds1 and toddlers are the most likely culprits for them, and also about maurading toddlers accidentally hitting him over the head/ not understanding 'gentle/ careful' etc. And toddlers are noisy! To be fair I didn't stop people visiting because of it, but I did keep him upstairs for a lot of an extremely noisy family party when he was three weeks old.

I now acknowledge this is a bit over the top, but I do remember being so desperatly protective of ds1 that really I'd have preferred to keep him wrapped in cotton wool until he was 18. Luckily I saw sense and he is now a chatty, happy, non-neurotic, frequently covered in mud two year old and ds2 has been out and about from day 1 and exposed to ds1 and all the havoc that he creates.

Just saying.

LadySybilPussPolham · 12/07/2011 18:16

Numpties

valiumredhead · 12/07/2011 18:16

I wonder if they are worried about toddler germs over their pfb newborn?

Ihavewelliesbuttheyrenotgreen · 12/07/2011 18:18

If you don't have childcare then that is your reason for not going. Just say you will come at a later date when you have childcare or when 'the baby is a bit older and able to cope with the disruption of another child'. I would just put it like that and humour them even though even though you know they are being ridiculous.

coccyx · 12/07/2011 18:19

give them a few more weeks and see how if they are quite so PFB.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 12/07/2011 18:19

When i had dd1 and 2 their dads family were queing up outside the maternity ward. I felt overwhelmed. I then had a straem of constant visitors. It was horrible

When SIL had her kids she wanted to be left alone. I still havent seen the one she had 2 weeks ago.

DD3 they were all on holiday and my friend was there as a birthing partner. It was lovely to be just by myself with my kids.

But i still think its a bit Hmm expecting you to go without your son

FairyArmadillo · 12/07/2011 18:21

I'd make an excuse about lack of babysitters and not go on Monday. They sound very PFB but to be honest, one of my friends from our toddler group had a baby last month. She already has an active, exhausting two year old and I took it upon myself NOT to bring my active, exhausting three year old to visit. Which means I haven't visited yet, but I remember how tiring it was to have even the most wanted of my visitors after I had a baby.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 12/07/2011 18:21

What twats! Either send your DH alone or just go with your 15 mo and stay for a short time, or even better, go in a few months as a family when they are being less tossy about it. YAsoNBU!

hmmSleep · 12/07/2011 18:23

What do they think people with more than one child do, ship the older kids off somewhere for a few months when the baby arrives home in case they make noise? They are strange.

megapixels · 12/07/2011 18:25

Just say that you don't have childcare and be done with it. It's the truth anyway.

They sound very PFB but I remember when my sister had her baby, one of my mum's friends came to visit in hospital with her granddaughter. The child was being a bloody pest. The gran had given her a bit of choc to keep her quiet and the child was rubbing it all over the baby's cot Shock. This was years before I had children and even then I was thinking oh noooooo leave my lovely, fragile, newborn niece alone, don't sully her environment like that! My sister was very good natured about it and just used some wipes to clean it but even after that said child insisted on poking and prodding the baby and the stupid mutt of a grandmother looked on with a loving smile saying child is such a caring girl and loves babies. [hhmm]

SheCutOffTheirTails · 12/07/2011 18:27

I dunno, I recently visited my brother's brand new son [proud auntie emoticon] and I arranged things so that my 15 month old was not there.

1 yos are gorgeous, but they are irrepressible, energetic, clueless monsters. They are the last thing any new parents should have to deal with while they still think their newborn might shatter in their hands.

Are you really going to miss meeting your newest family member and cause bad feeling with your in-laws over this?

Sure, they're being a bit precious, but tbh with your "he's family too" carry on, so are you.

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 12/07/2011 18:28

My Ex-SIL was like this.

I wouldn't go, would stay at home and eat chocolate for the day

And remind them when they have another how PFB they were

NoobyNoob · 12/07/2011 18:30

I can understand the time slots, we did this with DS1 - it's not being pfb at all - it's being sensible.

Leaving your son at home though, is odd - so for that YANBU.

BornInAfrica · 12/07/2011 18:31

Why are there two threads on this subject?

mumnotmachine · 12/07/2011 18:31

YANBU

And suggest that when they feel able to leave the house and take PFB into big wide world that they come and visit you- only leave PFB at home as PFBs presence in your home will upset your DC

TheMonster · 12/07/2011 18:33

mumnotmachine I was going to say a similar thing: say you cannot visit as it will upaset your ds be left for so long.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 12/07/2011 18:35

Yes, that's totally what you should do - make this into a long-running source of family strife in a fit of pique. That's what all the grown up kids are doing this season.

dreamingbohemian · 12/07/2011 18:38

I think you should cut them some slack, the baby just came yesterday and they are probably still overwhelmed and feeling like they can only handle the bare minimum.

Do you have any idea what kind of labour she had? Did she have a section? Maybe she won't be home until the weekend, maybe it was really traumatic and she can't deal with lots of people around.

Maybe she would rather not see anyone for a couple weeks but her husband is insisting so as a compromise they came up with time slots and no kids.

It is a bit bonkers but I think you should try to be understanding rather than offended.

MissMiaowington · 12/07/2011 18:39

Sounds like they dont trust your DC to be gentle with the baby. Do they think you let DC run wild? They sound bloody bonkers! I remember visitors the day I came out of hospital with DS1, I had a friend who had a 4/5 yo. DS1 had a little bit of blood in his hair, I don't think I had even had chance to bath him, and the delightful 4/5yo decided to take it upon herself to pull baby's hair... I was not amused in the slightest.

Of course other DC will be interested in babies, but what on earth is wrong with that? If you aren't the sort of mother who lets her toddler run wild, I think this couple may be having problems adapting to their new life.

YADNBU!

itsybitsy08 · 12/07/2011 18:40

Well I personally think its understandable.
Why the sneering PFB comments?
She may very well be feeling totally overwhelmed and out of control. Its scary having your first baby, not all of us are back to 'normal' straight away.
TBH i think its sensible for her and DP to put time slots.
I wish I had had the balls to do this, instead of hiding a crying gibbering wreck in my bedroom every time the door bell rang, begging my DP/mam to tell people to go away.

ChocaMum · 12/07/2011 18:40

YADNBU!

But it has given me a good laugh at how pfb they are! I do like the time slot idea, I'll try to remember that for dc2 in January.

I think we all have the wisdom of now not being so pfb so try to be rise above it. Send DH, and if there happens to be somebody close to the hospital that can look after DS like MIL and FIL then maybe try to go too. Otherwise wait till they have come out of their pfb bubble. Although this could take some time if they are being this extreme! Grin

FannyFifer · 12/07/2011 18:42

Like mumnotmachine's suggestion, Grin

Original poster
Piggyleroux · 12/07/2011 18:42

Oops. Pressed create conversation twice Blush.

Am just a bit hurt that ds isn't included. Dh thinks that to keep the peace we should just do as they ask, however, I don't want them to think that every time we visit we'll just dump ds.

Bollocks to it I'm not going.

OP posts:
countrybump · 12/07/2011 18:42

YANBU, totally bonkers. They clearly haven't thought how they will feel in 15 months time when you have a new baby and ask them to leave their child at home when they visit you!

But, it would also be silly to have a big fall out over this, so just say you can't get childcare (or if you DS is at nursery etc that day anyway, that you don't want to be 2 hours away from him etc) and send DH on his own.

They'll realise soon enough how silly they've been!

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