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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go and see new baby because of this?

178 replies

Piggyleroux · 12/07/2011 18:00

Dh's db and his wife had their first baby yesterday. Bil called us this morning to give us a 'time slot' to visit which is not until Monday. They are being a bit pfb about the whole thing but each to their own and I understand they don't want to be overwhelmed with visitors.

Bil called again this afternoon to request that when we visit we leave ds at home. He is 15 mo. Bil said that his dw does not want any disruptions and wants to maintain a peaceful environment. We are unclear whether this extends to other family members on his dw side as we are the only ones on his side with a child.

I have refused to go on the basis that if ds isn't welcome then I will not be coming either. We have no one to leave him with, they live a two hour drive away and he is part of the family. I even offered to sit in the car with him while dh sees the baby and then I will go in, but they refused saying that they are worried that a young child will make noise????

In laws reckon I am being childish, but I don't think so. Apologies if I don't reply straight away but am due in work.

OP posts:
helenthemadex · 12/07/2011 18:45

I agree they are being PFB but personally family or not I wouldnt want to take a toddler into a hospital

Not sure on the rules but when I worked we didnt allow anyone under 12 on the ward, are you sure its not hospital rules

itsybitsy08 · 12/07/2011 18:46

The baby will only be days old on monday.

I highly doubt that they will expect you to 'just dump your DS' every time you visit Hmm

Andrewofgg · 12/07/2011 18:46

The baby is DH's nephew/niece and he must go. You please yourself. Go when you feel welcome.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 12/07/2011 18:46

Agree, just cut them some slack. Yes they're being daft but they're brand new parents. They'll learn, just ride it out.

Northernlurker · 12/07/2011 18:48

I wouldn't go - what are you supposed to do with ds? Yes it's their first and yes it's a new experience but actually telling people exactly when they can visit and that they MUST leave their dc at home is pretty bloody rude. If they don't want visitors fine but they really don't get to control everybody else's life too.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 12/07/2011 18:48

helen no-one is talking about visiting hospitals.

OP YANBU, it is bonkers that they have refused on the basis that they are so far away.

Why not just say - 'sorry we can't come Monday as there is no-one to leave DS with, can we organise a weekend in a few weeks when I can get someone to babysit'.

In the intervening time they will hopefully chill out and you will all be able to go.

hugeleyoutnumbered · 12/07/2011 18:49

I told people to stay away when mine were born, i wanted to bond as a family, establish bf etc before having to entertain the world and his wife, so do understand to a certain extent. are there any problems that you are not aware of? low birth weight infection maybe? if the new dc has a comprimised immunity that might explain no dc? if not its pfb

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 12/07/2011 18:49

yy - agree you should send DH anyway. Yes they are being very PFBish but we all do it in our own ways and it isn't worth falling out over.

ChocaMum · 12/07/2011 18:49

I don't think your SIL is trying to be hurtful, although I can see how you feel, I wouldn't want to leave my 15 mo DD behind.

But at the same time I was badgered non-stop with visitors from half an hour after DD was born until 14 hours later and then daily until DD was 4 weeks old. I just wanted to hide away from everyone, and often left DD and DH downstairs while I cried upstairs.

Do whatever you are happy with at the end of the day. Just remember we all had our pfb bubble, although we may not have actually said what we felt to others, but have we still have all been there. So try to be the better SIL if you can! Poor DS, although I'm sure he will get his time for revenge no doubt!!!

squeakytoy · 12/07/2011 18:50

How would they feel if, in a few months time you were to have another child, and told them they could only visit if they left their own child at home.

They are being unreasonable, but to be honest, I would not be all that bothered about seeing a new baby... a photo would be fine... they dont really do very much to entertain at that age! Wink

PirateDinosaur · 12/07/2011 18:53

itsybitsy08, you think it's "understandable" that they are not prepared to let their 15 month old nephew sit in a car outside their house in case he makes a noise? (unless I am misunderstanding the OP)

ChocaMum · 12/07/2011 18:55

Oh yes the car thing is completely ridiculous! Grin

jellybeans · 12/07/2011 18:56

YANBU to be peed off but i would guess if it is their pfb they have no idea how precious they are being yet. I also understand being annoyed at toddlers being brought to see newborns. I NEVER took mine to see a new baby the first time. It would have been distruptive etc and with pfb you worry about germs etc. I had a friend bring her 2 DSs in hospital and they were pulling newborn DS's hair and fingers and I was really peed off. I wouldn't have minded had she kept control of them-not sure you can with toddlers though. If it was me, i would either leave it till baby is abit older or go and take it in turns and tell them you have no babysitter. Or perhaps suggest your little one will be in the buggy the whole time and he doesn't have any germs!!!

oldenoughtowearpurple · 12/07/2011 18:58

I'm with BIL and SIL. To be honest, I don't think I could have coped with a 15m toddler round me when I was a few days into motherhood.

Give them a break. They just can't cope with it right now.

itsastrawpoll · 12/07/2011 19:02

There must be more to this I think.

Is there a 'history' here OP.

itsybitsy08 · 12/07/2011 19:07

pirate Yes I do to some degree, although it does sound a bit ott.
Maybe the SIL is worried that if they bring their son, it will be a case of 'oh he's here now, he might as well pop in - only for a minute'

Where new babies are concerned, alot of people seem to completly disregard how the mother maybe feeling.

I just feel that this poor lady has just had a baby and is getting slated unfairly. Who knows how she feels and to take the piss and be all 'oooh PFB' the womans 'unhinged' upsets me slightly.

I suspect people were the same about me when I had my DD. I just needed some time thats all.

ScarlettIsWalking · 12/07/2011 19:11

Against the grain here but I think you need to respect their wishes. The baby is just born and 15 m are difficult to control at the best of times, it will be very disruptive for them. I understand the need for a calm environment at this early stage. Second child is different and it will be theirs to control and discipline.

I wouldn't take a 15 m old to see a newborn baby. It's not really about including your ds at this stage is it?

SheCutOffTheirTails · 12/07/2011 19:12

Of course they don't trust a 15 month old to be gentle with a newborn, only someone who had never met any 15 month olds would "trust" a toddler of that age with anything.

OP - you are being just as pfb as them, but you have no excuse. Your son will not care about not being included, and he would get nothing out if seeing his brand new cousin.

What is the point of bringing him? If you have no childcare (couldn't your PIL look after him for an hour?) then you stay away and let your DH visit alone. But do it with good grace and not like a sulky teenager.

They are not saying your son is shit, just that small toddlers and very new parents are a bad combination.

And they're right about that.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 12/07/2011 19:13

I wouldnt be hurt that your DS isnt included - dare i say it?,it sounds a little bit pfb.

They DO sound very pfb, like they have read all the books that tell them to 'be a little selfish when baby is born, dont let visitors take over' but taken it all a bit too seriously.

Let DH go and he can explain that you are at home with DS and you will see baby when they are more settled.

Bear in mind that they think they are being perfectly reasonable and are totally unaware that they are being vpfb.

itsybitsy08 · 12/07/2011 19:14

And I find it amusing that the OP is accusing her SIL of being PFB.

She sound like a bit of a PFB mother herself -

"I have refused to go on the basis that if ds isn't welcome then I will not be coming either" and "Am just a bit hurt that ds isn't included" and "I don't want them to think that every time we visit we'll just dump ds."

The baby is days old and they want peace and quiet. I dont think it is a personal attack on OP's DS, although she clearly does.

"We are unclear whether this extends to other family members on his dw side as we are the only ones on his side with a child." - I would imagine that it does extend.

ScarlettIsWalking · 12/07/2011 19:15

Absolutely your dh should go. Don't create bad feeling and resentment for such a reasonable request from parents of a just born baby. Again this isn't about you or your ds.

brodanbell · 12/07/2011 19:19

don't make a big issue out of it, but just send your DH along with a gift (maybe DS could make a little card? Just to remind them y'know that it's his cousin!) and you stay home with your DS. I would suggest that DH when he's there doesn't make a big deal of it - in fact I'd get him to say nothing at all about your absence and your DS's. If he's asked just tell the truth (in a very matter of fact way) and say that you couldn't find anyone to babysit at short notice and that you'll see them soon...like others are saying they sound very precious, but I am sure it will wear off.

skybluepearl · 12/07/2011 19:20

it is a bit over the top but i think they are perfectly within their rights to pull the shots with a new baby. with my first baby we had two weeks of quiet time before seeing people for short stints - just wasn't interested in having a free for all open house. we just wanted to bond with baby, not catch any bugs, watch out for PND, not have to clean the house/cook, recover from the birth, try and enjoy the steep learning curve of motherhood and try and cope on very little sleep while learning to breast feed. they were probably advised in the prenatal sessions to take things easy and why shouldn't they?

now i'm on to my third, it has been very different of course.

yes you should respect their wishes - you need to be gentle with a new mum. why don't you stay at home with your baby and bake her a cake/cook her a meal or something to send with your hubby. that way you are showing support

exoticfruits · 12/07/2011 19:21

Just phone them up and wish them well-tell them you will come and see them at a later date. Post a card and present.

skybluepearl · 12/07/2011 19:21

yes this isn't about you OP - this is about the needs of new parents.