Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go and see new baby because of this?

178 replies

Piggyleroux · 12/07/2011 18:00

Dh's db and his wife had their first baby yesterday. Bil called us this morning to give us a 'time slot' to visit which is not until Monday. They are being a bit pfb about the whole thing but each to their own and I understand they don't want to be overwhelmed with visitors.

Bil called again this afternoon to request that when we visit we leave ds at home. He is 15 mo. Bil said that his dw does not want any disruptions and wants to maintain a peaceful environment. We are unclear whether this extends to other family members on his dw side as we are the only ones on his side with a child.

I have refused to go on the basis that if ds isn't welcome then I will not be coming either. We have no one to leave him with, they live a two hour drive away and he is part of the family. I even offered to sit in the car with him while dh sees the baby and then I will go in, but they refused saying that they are worried that a young child will make noise????

In laws reckon I am being childish, but I don't think so. Apologies if I don't reply straight away but am due in work.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 12/07/2011 21:14

" I even offered to sit in the car with him while dh sees the baby and then I will go in, but they refused saying that they are worried that a young child will make noise????"

And they'll hear that noise all the way from the car to the maternity ward? Confused

fluffles · 12/07/2011 21:19

they're being totally ridiculous but there's no point in getting all offended by them.. i'd just say 'thanks for the opportunity to visit but it's ok, we'll wait till (s)he's a bit older and ready to meet our DS'

Mumcentreplus · 12/07/2011 21:24

crazy arses...

PaisleyLeaf · 12/07/2011 21:24

Oh, will she still be in hospital?
I know our hospital only allow the siblings of newborns to visit.

Halogen · 12/07/2011 21:26

They are bonkers but you know that. In a few months or a year, they will know that too. Your DH should go, take a nice present, smile and admire the baby and explain that you didn't have a babysitter. In a year's time when they too have a rampaging snotbucket who will poke his fingers in his own eyes willy nilly, never mind anyone else's, you can all have a good laugh about it.

New first-time parents are allowed to be a bit nuts. It goes with the territory.

Also, the car thing is nuts. How is your toddler going to take being strapped into a car seat, driven for hours and then strapped back in and driven for more hours without so much as a run round the garden? Badly, that's how. Either that or he will sleep the entire time and then stay up until 10pm. Either way, no fun for you.

razzlebathbone · 12/07/2011 21:28

YANBU - I would absolutely refuse to go. A load of nonsense whether it's your first baby or not. You'd have to be a nutcase to think that a child in a car outside your house is going to have any effect whatsoever on your baby. Idiots.

Annunziata · 12/07/2011 21:40

YABU! She's just had a baby, and although I personally think the whole visiting slot thing is quite rude, for the next six weeks you do what she wants.

As for the car thing, if you sit in a car with your toddler outside their house, they would have to be evil to not let you in!

itsybitsy08 · 12/07/2011 21:51

Jux Tue 12-Jul-11 20:42:49
Do you know what I'd do? It's a bit naughty; I'd accept their strictures, but take ds anyway, and plead being let down at the last minute by sitter.

That is awful.
I had requested no-one to come, just till I had some time. I felt on the cusp of something abit more than babyblues. A certain someone and her daughter turned up anyway. When they were on my doorstep I felt like I had to let them in. Cue me ending up in hysterics, screaming at them to leave, I collapsed in a heap and ended up with PND. I really dont think her turning up and bringing her daughter anyway, after I had specifically asked her not to helped my mental state.

Some people are so fucking insensitive.

ChristinedePizan · 12/07/2011 21:59

I would send your husband and say you and your DS hope to meet the baby soon. No fuss but I would not take your DS and leave him in the car. Is that just making a point in a way where the only person who is going to suffer is your DS?

SheCutOffTheirTails · 12/07/2011 22:06

Yeah, the whole "leaving the toddler outside in the car" thing is SUPER passive aggressive.

They won't need to be able to hear him, they'll be able to feel the pressure they're being put under to let him in as though it were palpable.

exoticfruits · 12/07/2011 22:08

Why does anyone need to see it so early? Send a present-get them to email photos and visit when they have got back to normal. If everyone did the same they wouldn't need to police visits-they obviously don't really want them. Go when you can choose your time.

HumphreyCobbler · 12/07/2011 22:21

I think I would be mildly miffed if someone did this to me when my PFB was fifteen months. They are basically saying I don't want your child near my child. I would not be able to stop myself being a little narked but I would try not to react.

Thinking about it though, I left my 18 month old behind when visiting my new niece and nephew as I didn't want him to tread on them/poke them/lick them. I remember being doubly glad I had done so as I watched these tiny new babies lying on a pristine blanket in the middle of a tiny garden and imagined the chaos he would have wreaked....

SheCutOffTheirTails · 12/07/2011 23:17

FFS, they are not saying "I don't want your child near my child"

Jesus, only the pathologically self-obsessed and paranoid would read it like that.

They are saying "we are new to this, please help us keep our home as calm as possible while we come to grips with our changed reality."

It's not about the OP, or her child. It's about the people who had a baby yesterday and who are asking people to cut them a little slack until they get their shit together.

Sheesh, no wonder there are so many wars if this many people are so chippy.

MerylStrop · 12/07/2011 23:35

YABU.
They feel they can't cope with other little kids just yet - I think it's fair enough, eversoslightly precious but blimey, their world's just been turned upside down, give them a break. This is NOT a good time to start a family feud.
.

Pandygirl · 12/07/2011 23:41

YABU it's their home, their child and she's only just given birth. Please don't do anything to make this incredibly difficult time any worse. I'm sure your DS will be welcomed when they've settled in a bit.

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 12/07/2011 23:43

Am so not pfb BUT if had time over again would have asked a friend who visited with no 2 to leave the children at home, my dd feeling a little unsettled with a 2 day old baby in the house then had all her favuorite toys snatched from her by friends terrors.....who made shed loads of noise........then friend said v loudly that my dd's behaviour was because she had a new baby (Hmm not because your children snatched everything) was most unrelaxing with them not sitting for a second and making my child out to be the devil child.

To this day I wonder why we are friends.

blackeyedsusan · 12/07/2011 23:44

they can invite who they want and i completely understand not wanting toddler... but... to not let you sit in the car with toddler is a bit odd? then new mothers can be a bit odd having been up all night giving birth, the next day being kept awake in hospital whilst baby sleeps, then baby wakes up and is hungry and feeds all night. at this point you would quite like to kill anyone who makes a noise within a 50 mile radius... breathing noisily is not acceptable either...

FreudianSlipper · 12/07/2011 23:47

aw bless i am guessing this is their first child and they are still naive enough to beleive they can totally control when the baby sleeps/feeds/poos by not allowing any interference from outside and following a strict regime

give them a few months and it will all be very different :o

and no i do not think yabu

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 12/07/2011 23:47

I think you will find they will feel very guilty about the toddler being outside and will feel forced to let you all in even though they don't want your toddler there - why don't you let dh go and just stay at home for the day until they are ready for visitors. I did this as dd had a bad cold when dn was born and didn't want it to be passed on so we stayed behind. Dh said it was really nice as he got an opportunity to cuddle the baby and chat without me Grin

BitOfFun · 12/07/2011 23:50

Other people's babies are seldom interesting enough to warrant a two hour drive. I wouldn't go- that's what faceb

BitOfFun · 12/07/2011 23:50

ook is for.

HowlingBitch · 13/07/2011 00:04

I made sure no one visited me apart from both grand parents until I got home! The thought of someone else's kid running around the ward after having my first makes me cringe! Ergh. I just wanted to be alone with DP and my baby TBH.

I Did have a pretty awful birth though.

lovesicecream · 13/07/2011 00:04

Their crazy! You know it, everyone else with kids knows it, leave them to it and have a good laugh behind their backs! What is your sil going to do? stay in forever as baby needs quit and peace? Realy she's going to be abit miserable after a few weeks on her own having quiet time

TheSecondComing · 13/07/2011 00:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

queenmaeve · 13/07/2011 00:18

They are obviously feeling under pressure that people want to visit but are freaking a leetle bit.
Just be upfront. Phone and say ' I know what its like with a new baby, I'd prefer to give you a bit more space, we'll all see you in a few weeks time when you have all found your feet'. No point getting upset at other peoples issues is there really?