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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not go and see new baby because of this?

178 replies

Piggyleroux · 12/07/2011 18:00

Dh's db and his wife had their first baby yesterday. Bil called us this morning to give us a 'time slot' to visit which is not until Monday. They are being a bit pfb about the whole thing but each to their own and I understand they don't want to be overwhelmed with visitors.

Bil called again this afternoon to request that when we visit we leave ds at home. He is 15 mo. Bil said that his dw does not want any disruptions and wants to maintain a peaceful environment. We are unclear whether this extends to other family members on his dw side as we are the only ones on his side with a child.

I have refused to go on the basis that if ds isn't welcome then I will not be coming either. We have no one to leave him with, they live a two hour drive away and he is part of the family. I even offered to sit in the car with him while dh sees the baby and then I will go in, but they refused saying that they are worried that a young child will make noise????

In laws reckon I am being childish, but I don't think so. Apologies if I don't reply straight away but am due in work.

OP posts:

itsybitsy08 · 12/07/2011 19:24

very good suggestions from those last few posters. I wish my family/friends had been a bit more like you :)

exoticfruits · 12/07/2011 19:32

Exactly skybluepearl-no need to get sucked in-perhaps when they realise that they are being PFB and not everyone wants to be timetabled you can get back to normal and visit like normal people!
Just wait until they stop being precious-it will be much quicker if no visits.

ChocaMum · 12/07/2011 19:34

I like skybluepearl's idea of sending some home made food along with DH, that's what you need the most in the early days, helpful family.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 12/07/2011 19:45

Each to their own I guess. Personally it wouldnt bother me. I have several nieces and nephews and my sisters and I have a run of girl, girl, boy. With a year between each of them. My DD being the eldest of the three. Have a classic photo of my DD pointing at my niece (who was a couple of weeks old) and it looks like she is poking her in the eye.
It was great catching their first meetings on camera, because they are all going to be lifelong friends (hopefully! )

However, she's a first time new mum I would respect her wishes. grudgingly

BumperlicicusTotalus · 12/07/2011 19:46

The way they said it was a bit wanky but tbh I'd forgive new parents most things.

WhoAteMySnickers · 12/07/2011 19:55

Send your DH along alone to visit with a lovely card and a gift.

Send your BIL and SIL a text, or call them explaining that you have no childcare (which is true) and tell them "I can't wait to see baby, let us know when it suits you best for all of us to visit, maybe in a few weeks when you're all settled" thus giving the message that you won't be visiting without your DS.

Whizkidwithacrazystreak · 12/07/2011 20:10

I wouldn't go either. I have some (ex) friends who were and are still like this with their 3.5mth DS - no one is allowed to hold him, everyone has to be quiet and worse, they hold the poor baby every second of the day so that he hasn't even been given the chance to relax by himself or put himself to sleep. The only bit of comfort I get is knowing that the mother, who is a total control freak, has no control over her dear little boy and that she has created a rod for her own back!

Prior to the baby being born, we were asked to their house once and I took my two DS who are very little and they were told to only touch one glass panel of the 3 panels (fat chance). We haven't been asked back to the house but have been told that 'they are happy to meet in the park when ever'.

I don't bother with them anymore and it feels good!

happygilmore · 12/07/2011 20:16

I don't think there's anything wrong with holding a 3month old all the time whizkid.

ShowOfHands · 12/07/2011 20:18

They're new parents and it's one of the instances where I let almost anything go. I can't quite explain the precise and exquisite fragility of really struggling with a newborn when on the brink of ptsd/pnd. I try and remind myself that you just never know how frightened/out of their depth they might be.

Of course they might be behaving like nobs. But you have the power to be polite and gracious, even whilst declining the offer to visit. I'd take the opportunity to be the bigger person, but keep lines of communication open. If the nob like behaviour continues/escalates without good reason then go nuts.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 12/07/2011 20:20

"The only bit of comfort I get is knowing that the mother, who is a total control freak, has no control over her dear little boy and that she has created a rod for her own back!"

Wow! Aren't you a charm?

thederkinsdame · 12/07/2011 20:24

Depends what sort of birth she's had really. She may be feeling vunerable, and if she had a scary time, may be feeling that her PFB is really fragile. Not excusing I'm just saying that she may be feeling v v overprotective. When my DN arrived and bounded in slathering snot all over my PFB I had to sit on my hands as I wanted to remove my precious bundle and scrub him! I was so wound up about germs that I scrubbed his face with a Johnson's babywipe and gave him a lovely rash instead but I was paranoid as I couldn't breastfeed and thought he woukd end up getting bubonic plague as a result. Of course, now, DH and I look back and but at the time, it seemed perfectly rational. I am sure your BIL and SIL will also look back and think 'what were we thinking' but for now i'd humour them. ASk your ILs to have your DS. You will probably enjoy it more if you are not on thorns worrying about whether he is going to "upset" the baby.

lachesis · 12/07/2011 20:26

Why bother? Send a card and pressie and wish them well.

Whizkidwithacrazystreak · 12/07/2011 20:30

Happygilmore - a lot of people agree that holding a baby constantly can do no harm and they are most likely correct - in terms of damage to the baby. However, how on earth does one get anything done when a baby is constantly strapped to them. I indulged my second DS and it was a nightmare for the entire extended family.

scarlettsmummy2 · 12/07/2011 20:32

They sound like nutters. Best avoid them....

happygilmore · 12/07/2011 20:34

But why do you care whether others hold their DS all the time or not? I don't see why you would be so interested. Most people with more than one child just seem to use a sling, don't they?

OP, I think they are being a bit bonkers, but no doubt they'll cringe a bit in a year or so! I don't think your DS will be interested in a newborn though, it's not a case of leaving him out when he'll hardly be bothered.

Robins · 12/07/2011 20:34

Being far too precious and ridiculous. Family life is about children isn't it. I wouldn't go.

DuelingFanjo · 12/07/2011 20:35

Good for you for not going. I can kind of understand why your sil would be scared but what is she going to do when her baby is older? Leave it behind everytime she might go somewhere where he/she will cause a racket?

You could ask the in-laws to have your DS, as a compromise. Then when her kid is older you can make a very big joke of it to her and remind her how silly she was.

ThisIsJustASagaNow · 12/07/2011 20:35

They are first time parents. Unless you're reached the 'toddler' bit they can look rather terrifying.

I can recall being visited by parents with a toddler who appeared to be immune to the fact that she wouldn't stop trying to bash my new dd on the head. They just kept wittering on about 'aah..she loves babies' I was a jibbering wreck by the time they left.

Yes yes they've got a lot to learn and they will in time and they'll look back and laugh as we all do, but they only had the baby yesterday. Maybe they don't feel up to entertaining toddlers just yet.

(And PFB is a catty expression imo)

MorelliOrRanger · 12/07/2011 20:41

They just had a baby yesterday give her a break.

Yeh she's being a bit nutty but she's new to this (they both are), they won't understand.

give them a few days of sleepless nights and she'll be wanting to 'discuss' your experiences of those first few days.

Jux · 12/07/2011 20:42

Do you know what I'd do? It's a bit naughty; I'd accept their strictures, but take ds anyway, and plead being let down at the last minute by sitter. If they won't let you in with ds grasped firmly by the hand, then I'd just leave dh to it for 10mins and then ring on the door again and suggest the 3 of you go to lunch/something else. Dh will be bored by baby-talk by then anyway.

You need to save these people from themselves!

Lady1nTheRadiator · 12/07/2011 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 12/07/2011 20:46

Duelling
"but what is she going to do when her baby is older?"

Who cares?

The baby is 24 HOURS old.

She has no idea what she's going to do when she gives him his first bath, never mind where she might leave him and when and what kind of noise he'll make and who that might disturb.

This couple are not asking for their darling nephew to never visit them. They're asking people to give them a break for the first week after they have become parents for the first time.

Even if you think their request is a bit silly you respond with love and understanding and patience, because that's what they deserve.

Not getting in a snot and standing your ground.

ThisIs
"Unless you're reached the 'toddler' bit they can look rather terrifying."

They can look rather terrifying when you have reached that bit too! :o

But you're right - parents of a new baby need to see 7 year olds being all interested and polite and think that will happen to their child soon. They do not need to see a snot-covered germ bucket with pokey fingers, a zombie walk and a complete inability to sense danger to self or others.

(I really ADORE my DD2 who is at just this stage. She is adorable. But also a full time job)

ledkr · 12/07/2011 20:58

I agree with custardo I wish id had the bottle to do it too,im still reeling from my first few days home and the baby is 5 months old.

DuelingFanjo · 12/07/2011 21:00

ok, thank you for clarifying that shecutofftheirtails.

When I gave birth at Christmas I wanted no visitors at all so I can understand why she's scared of a rampaging cousin but at the same time I think she is being a little strict and not really thinking properly. Blame it on the hormones I guess. I DID say that I thought it would be reasonable for the OP to leave her child with the in-laws for just a while while she visited.

paddypoopants · 12/07/2011 21:13

YANBU- some people need to get over themselves. You will have to travel 2 hours to see a new baby and 2 hours back so they want you to get a babysitter for 6 hours ish so you can go and see their baby. I presume you weren't intent on letting your ds loose on the child and would remove him if he were screaming. I would send a text saying 'Congratulations, we now realise you don't want to be overwhelmed by visitors so we'll visit you later when we all can come".

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