AIBU to call my 14 year old dd a "fucking bitch"

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

- i didn't say it outloud, I just said it to myself in my head

she is being absolutely vile and thinks she can talk to me like something she trod in and I am sick to the back teeth of being spoken to disrespectfully.

I spent £40 on art supplies for her art exhibition she is doing this coming Friday. Today I started a job and I might not be able to go to her exhibition because I might be working Friday night. I have paid for her and supported her and driven her to her art activities all year long - I told her today I might not be able to go because of work but that I would be able to get there for the after-party and she said

"if you can't come to the exhibition don't bother coming to the after-party - i'd be embarresed if you were there anyway"

her db, ds and dad can go, it's just me that can't.

I have never said that!

All that's being said here is that you simply do not know what will happen to your teenage child. It has - IMVHO - nothing to do with how well brought up they are, it's something that seems to just happen.

Hopefully you will be lucky!

We have 'escaped' relatively unscathed Chez BIWI, although both of my boys have had their moments (and at 19 and 16 I suspect we're not completely out of the woods yet)

YANBU. I disagree that it isn't normal for teens. I have a teen and an almost teen and they are so different. One is very moody and headstrong yet excellent at school etc. but she lashes out where she feels safe at home. Other one is much more laid back and not rude at all. It's no good being smug that yours aren't rude etc. as you just never know what may happen in the future and alot could be down to luck IMO.

I think the comparison with toddlers is probably rather apt. It's about expressing emotions in unhelpful ways and struggling with the transition from one stage to another. A lot of pushing you away as they fight to become independent, whilst also being anxious to keep you close.

I was a "good" teenager but I know I took my feelings out on my mum. I am trying to train mine to say sorry later on when it has all calmed down, though

And not just say sorry, but also to understand what they were feeling at the time they lashed out.

Le queen my daughter has - somewhere in the depths of her hovel - a framed card I bought her for her 11th birthday. It reads 'dream daughter'
She will be 17 in October but for at least the last four years she has made me and her father various degrees of miserable. Yes - teens really can morph into something unrecognisable. We've managed to keep a lid on much of her foul ness and continued to force her to study support her at school, but it has been a bad and sad time. IME girls can be slightly more trying than boys. I see glimpses now of what could be but dp has a consult room full of lovely parents who share their woes and 20 years of age is often quoted as the age the torture ends...

DD1 is absolutely wonderful to have around at the moment and she will turn 20 in two weeks time. Her teen years were a tunnel of awfulness that I would not want to wish on anyone. DD2 and DS are teenagers as well and I would be Mrs Smug of Smugsville if they were my only DCs.

I had awful PMT and period pains as a teen - made me very grumpy. I don't think I'd say anything hurtful, but my behaviour was certainly annoying and sefish

Well no. Because the "teenager hormones" etc are nothing to do with upbringing, social area, affluence etc.

It is more to do with brain development. Specifically the development of the pre-frontal cortex. This part of the brain is involved with a few things, including judgement and ideas. Teenagers also have increased activity in the area of the brain that is invovled in risk taking behaviours. Changes in ways of thinking, new ideas etc all need a little bit of adjustment and practice, and no one is safer to try these things out on than your parents. Hence the horrible behaviour. Stroppy teenagers are actually exercising thier new skills in synthesing information into ideas of thier very own. Also - they develop the ability to form new ideas, emotions and feelings much quicker than the ability to self-regulate their behaviour - hence acting impulsively, not thinking things through, taking stupid risks etc

So it could be that in teenagers that do not go through the usual symptoms, these brain developments have not taken place. It is interesting that in the case of Le Queen, neither she nor her DH went through this stage and now her DCs are not experiencing it. It is possible there is some genetics at play here in terms brain development as neither parents appeared to go through this developmental stage.

Yes - peer pressure is a big part of things I would agree and I think a lot of teenagers today get exposed to more pressure at an earlier age than perhaps used to be the case.

LeQueen, your argument is about class, then ?

Naice teenagers from naice families don't off the rails, yes ?

wrong

AF some of the rudest kids I know are terribly middle class, terribly pampered, terribly superior

We are a nice family, have lovely holidays, have two cars, boys have loads of nice things, lots of nice clothes.... But that doesn't stop DS1 (14) from being bloody horrible at times and having a go at smoking even though we do not smoke and lying about stuff.

Honestly LeQueen it does not always happen the way you are telling it.

So we are all right. Good.

Am glad that bit if confusion is out of the way then

I think the development just happens later LeQ, not that it doesnt happen at all. When it happens later (probably like with your DH) the person is better equipped to make calculated risks. When it happens younger they aren't as good as dealing with it.