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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to call my 14 year old dd a "fucking bitch"

347 replies

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 11/07/2011 19:42

Sad - i didn't say it outloud, I just said it to myself in my head Sad

she is being absolutely vile and thinks she can talk to me like something she trod in and I am sick to the back teeth of being spoken to disrespectfully.

I spent £40 on art supplies for her art exhibition she is doing this coming Friday. Today I started a job and I might not be able to go to her exhibition because I might be working Friday night. I have paid for her and supported her and driven her to her art activities all year long - I told her today I might not be able to go because of work but that I would be able to get there for the after-party and she said

"if you can't come to the exhibition don't bother coming to the after-party - i'd be embarresed if you were there anyway"

her db, ds and dad can go, it's just me that can't.

OP posts:
unpa1dcar3r · 13/07/2011 18:11

Can I pleeease have a manly back slap too Rhubard; Got 7 wks hols coming up and 2 very SLD teenage boys with very different and complex needs and desires and unbelieveably little respite...
In fact can i have mine with a cherry on top cos I may be doing more than muttering F off under my breath come next Friday! If I survive that long!

AvonCallingBarksdale · 13/07/2011 18:13

LeQueen Speaking to my Mum and her friends, they say when they were teenagers they still used to want to please their parents, other adults etc. And, didn't see themselves as equals (not when they were 13-15 anyway).

I really agree with this - certainly sums up how I was as a teenager. THis thread has got a bit surreal, but what it has done is made me pretty terrified at the prospect of DS (7) and DD (4) becomming teenagers Sad I was pretty OK, I think, as a teen. My parents didn't know half of what I got up to in terms of drink, soft drugs and boys, but I can count on one hand the number of proper arguments we had. I suppose all I can hope for is that whatever happens, we'll all come out of it the other side

unpa1dcar3r · 13/07/2011 18:18

My parents didn't know half of what I got up to in terms of drink, soft drugs and boys,

Oh I bet they did Avon! Us parents of teenagers develop this 'nose' like a blood hound. They probably just chose to pretend they didn't know!!!
I could smell fags on my girls at 40 paces! Wink

AvonCallingBarksdale · 13/07/2011 18:21

Ooooh, no. Still, in my late 30s, feel Blush at the thought of them knowing!

LeQueen · 13/07/2011 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRhubarb · 13/07/2011 18:26

Manly back slap for you too unpa1dcar3r. I know your pain, a bit! I've only 2 though and not SLD but I have to juggle work and having them at home!

As a teenager as Custy will attest, I was good as gold. Hardly drank, never smoked, never touched drugs, never went out with boys, never answered back. Whilst that was mostly out of fear of my mother it has helped me to see, I hope, that my kids need a little bit of fear but, and this is where my mother fell down, lots of love, communication and support.

She did do some things right like taking rent from me and never once offering any financial support or helping me with decisions. That helped me to grow up and stand on my own two feet and I think that's why I've always avoided debt.

dh sounds like a horrendous teen and his parents were strict in some ways, but once they became teens he says they just took a step back and didn't even try to communicate or understand them. They just waited for the dust to clear I guess!

TheRhubarb · 13/07/2011 18:33

Right, have to go now as dh is back and tea is ready.

Once again I apologise to anyone who has been offended by my frank comments, it was never my intention to speak out of my arse and what I hoped for was the debate this has turned into, which is interesting and thought-provoking. I wasn't ready for what I got instead. I lost my temper and allowed my feelings to show, again I apologise. Also to Custy for the slack she got on my behalf, that wasn't on.

Hope this thread ends on a nice fluffy non-Kevin note Smile

lovesicecream · 13/07/2011 18:36

Slap On the back unpa1d, I had a placement at a day centre for sld when I was training to be a nurse thfoot was for adults 18+ and always wondered what parents did for the 6 7 weeks hols, some of the clients there had real cbh and the parents struggled to take them out on their own, also the closest respite centre to us has just shut down.

This thread has made me think, you hear oh they grow up to fast now a days , let them stay children and I'm wondering how much good it's done them and us, if they didn't have these problems 80 years ago because they had to grow up quickly maybe that's why we have problems now, especially as they are going to be at school till18 now

unpa1dcar3r · 13/07/2011 18:58

Yep Loveicecream Mine too have the CBH and believe me it's pretty rough, one as tall as me and the other taller and so much stronger!

I guess in a way it's easier than wondering where they are, who they're with, what they're up to outside the home as they don't go out alone EVER. And at least they're not out nicking cars etc, but sometimes I wish they could at least go out for a bike ride or that a 'mate' would knock for them...
and I didn't have to think up ever imaginative ways to entertain them when quite often they don't like what I do anyway haha and throw the most awful tantrums with me on the receiving end!

AnneWiddecomesArse · 13/07/2011 19:04

Oh Rhubarb.
You sounded naive but sane in the little you said.

But then you expounded; shared your views... and I simply have to put you in the McFuckitt Bucket.

It's the bad land that McDonalds/KFC occupy. They may be popular; but "you've never eaten one".

It's terribly hard being a parent; being as hard and fast as you are will make it worse.

Mum of girl in the shed that is grade 5 violin but lovely at orchestra.

VelveteenRabbit · 13/07/2011 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Salmotrutta · 13/07/2011 19:40

Just for those who think appalling adolescents are new, here's what Aristotle had to say over 2000 years ago:

"The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for
authority, they show disrespect to their elders.... They no longer
rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents,
chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their
legs, and are tyrants over their teachers."

Adolescents have always been "challenging" - even if they did have to work from an early age. The difference is that until relatively recently they would have been dealt a belting for back-chat. At least that's no longer the norm.

Salmotrutta · 13/07/2011 19:45

What I meant to add was that I doubt it's parental - teenagers are neurologically programed to have little control until their brain development is complete.

unpa1dcar3r · 13/07/2011 19:53

gobble up dainties at the table,

Oh that's so quaint Salmo...I guess nowadays that could be changed to they pinch all their parents wakky backy off the table (at least in the land of the Jeremy Kylers)! Grin

It's not parental. I beat myself up no end when my eldest was so challenging. Cried buckets. My hubsnad had to drum it in that no actually I wasn't a bad parent, she was just being a teenage a. hole!

TheSecondComing · 13/07/2011 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedHotPokers · 13/07/2011 20:13

I was a pleasant, amiable, chilled-out child. The kind of child that liked adult company and was polite and kind. No toddler tantrums, no pushing the boundaries etc etc.

When I reached about 14 or 15 I became a NIGHTMARE. I was sullen, off-hand, rude, ignorant, unsociable and generally acted as though all members of my family only existed to make my life a misery. My mum still talks about how traumatic the period was, and I cringe when I look back on it! My DSis was nowhere near as bad, but had a strange year or two during Uni when she kind of acted the same.

I am very hopeful that the opposite will be the case for DD (nearly 5). She is naughty super feisty, cheeky and outrageously single-minded at times, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that she will become a placid chilled out teen!

Salmotrutta · 13/07/2011 20:16

Oh it's most definitely a teenager's job to chew you up and spit you out TheSecondComing !

P.S. - I love the "gobble up dainties" bit too unpa1d Grin

RedHotPokers · 13/07/2011 20:16

Btw my mum once called me a bitch when I was about 15. This was not her style AT ALL. It just popped out and she was more shocked than me, although I remember it to this day.

You can only push someone so far, and although I wouldn't recommend swearing as a parenting choice, it doesn't hurt for children/teens to know that their actions can be hurtful and upsetting.

LadyFlumpalot · 13/07/2011 20:22

I'm another one who was really easy-going as a teenager. Bookish, studied, didn't go out etc. Then, my 20's hit and I went a little bit nuts...

DF's parents thought he was the perfect, easy going teenager. He was always polite and respectful to them, but outside the house he was drinking, dabbling, stealing and shagging his little teenage heart out from the age of 13.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 13/07/2011 20:25

So Rubarb did DH just leave all the holiday planning to you overnight or is this something that has been building up for a while?

Grin
TheRhubarb · 13/07/2011 21:12

LOL MrsDeVere! And AnneWiddcombe you cheeky mare! Wink

I see it as this: I may not have smoked, ever as it happens, but I still have an opinion on smoking which is as valid as the person's who has smoked.

I love asking none parents for advice on my kids as their perspective is often different and illuminating. Ok, some of it may be crap and naive as I'm sure mine is, but there are bits in there that ring home to me. My mistake is assuming that other parents feel the same way. Lesson learnt! Smile

But saying that there are posters on here who haven't experienced the Kevin syndrome and their posts are interesting. Also posters who, as teenagers were never nightmares and their posts are also interesting. As are the others. A lot of different opinions and experiences are never a bad thing.

At least, I don't think so.

TheRhubarb · 13/07/2011 21:12

non parents, sorry! Watching real A&E.

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