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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to call my 14 year old dd a "fucking bitch"

347 replies

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 11/07/2011 19:42

Sad - i didn't say it outloud, I just said it to myself in my head Sad

she is being absolutely vile and thinks she can talk to me like something she trod in and I am sick to the back teeth of being spoken to disrespectfully.

I spent £40 on art supplies for her art exhibition she is doing this coming Friday. Today I started a job and I might not be able to go to her exhibition because I might be working Friday night. I have paid for her and supported her and driven her to her art activities all year long - I told her today I might not be able to go because of work but that I would be able to get there for the after-party and she said

"if you can't come to the exhibition don't bother coming to the after-party - i'd be embarresed if you were there anyway"

her db, ds and dad can go, it's just me that can't.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 11/07/2011 20:48

You can get the surprise of your life when teenagers turn! My ds was an angel til he was about 14/15 and now that we are out the other side of the 'horror years' it is easy to forget the bad times but it was awful at times. My ds was never really disciplined as he was sooooo good all the time as a child and we had a great life and a really happy home. All his friends practically lived at our house and it was calm chilled and fun and then it all changed Grin. I would never call him names though although we did a fair bit of swearing and shouting when in the thick of it. It was like he was possessed for 18 months and he is ok again now. I used to Hmm at people bemoaning their teens and could never see that scenario for us but I was wrong and it happened in a flash!

ILovePonyo · 11/07/2011 20:48

I'm another one who was brought up very well but became a complete little bitch at 14 for about 2 years. Then sorted myself out. I feel really bad for my poor mum, I spoke to her like shit but am sure I'll have it all to come in 13/14 years with my dd Grin

electra · 11/07/2011 20:49

We all think things we wouldn't say - I'll bet she didn't mean it though. Teenagers are impulsive.

catgirl1976 · 11/07/2011 20:49
ILovePonyo · 11/07/2011 20:49

Oh yanbu by the way Grin

Signet2012 · 11/07/2011 20:50

I got called worse than that outloud, screamed in my face as various items of whatever was near by bounced off my head. Most of what they called me was right.

Im not a 28 year old, well balanced not at all damaged young woman.

dont beat yourself up!

Sometimes when we are teenagers we need to hear that we are fking little bitches/bds.

Its more effective if its nnot the way you normally speak anyway!

:D

(ps i have no kids lol thank god eh!)

Annunziata · 11/07/2011 20:50

Oh, YANBU, you are very restrained not to! DD tends to build up into a massive bundle of worry before erupting with a comment like that, maybe yours is anxious about the exhibition?

LeQueen · 11/07/2011 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noddyholder · 11/07/2011 20:54

My ds put on his Fb once 'Why are my parents such c*ts?' Shock I saw it and went mad and he said I was over reacting and it was a common word amongst his friends and not as bad as old people (us) think doesn't mean the same as it used to blah blah. A few weeks later when he had his mate round I said it and he nearly died as did his mate and I repeated what he had said about it being harmless and said I didn't realise he would be shocked.

superjobeespecs · 11/07/2011 21:00

she's probably just upset you may not make it i know when i was maybe going to be 'let down' by my mum i used to be a total cow to her to cover up how hurt i was even if it was unavoidable. im sure if you mention that it was hurtful of her and that you would try hard to be there maybe she'd let up on the mean-ness? fingers crossed cos teenagers are hard work i know i was

Northernlurker · 11/07/2011 21:51

Dh and I have always been very clear on boundaries and most of the time dd1 is fab. Sometimes though she is hard work and I know I make it worse because it winds me up whereas dh can keep more at a distance. I don't however think that represents a failing as a parent. Would love to be as perfect as LeQueen.......Grin

lovesicecream · 11/07/2011 22:02

My ds turned at 13, he was unrecognisable and down right bloody nasty! We've had screaming, punching doors, swearing and general nasty behaviour up until 6 months ago, when he turned 16 and changed back into the sweet helpful boy he'd been before puberty hit! He has no idea why he was so angry and frustrated, it certainly wasn't the way he was bought up!

melika · 11/07/2011 22:10

YABU, she might have respected you if you had said it out loud, I think I would have!

janajos · 12/07/2011 06:53

They all have their moments! Those of you who are saying that you would 'Never put up with' such behaviour are totally unrealistic and have probably kept your children on such a tight leash that they will rebel later (or have either abnormally well-behaved children who don't push boundaries). Teenagers need conflict to learn and to grow up. The teenage years are about growing away from parents and becoming an adult. Please don't make the OP feel that she has not disciplined her daughter properly, she seems to be developing a healthy relationship to me. The conflict must now be managed, but I agree with the other person who said ignore where possible. The same principles when dealing with a toddler; ignore where possible, deal with what you must, be consistent and always forgive seem to me useful here.

I too am a secondary teacher, and believe me most of them grow through this to become wonderful young adults. We need to deal with the conflict, not beat ourselves up about the fact that it happens. What is not normal is to have a child who is 'good' all the time.

AnyFucker · 12/07/2011 08:55

I hope I am still on MN when LeQ hits the teenage boards with a vengeance Grin

AnyFucker · 12/07/2011 08:56

about 5 years, LeQ ?

< makes a note in diary >

BecauseImWorthIt · 12/07/2011 09:02
Malcontentinthemiddle · 12/07/2011 09:08

We all say it in our heads sometimes.

It sounds as though she's trying to spite you for not being able to make it to all of the event, and wants to make you feel bad, perhaps?

Birdsgottafly · 12/07/2011 09:08

YANBU.

I hope i am still around when my DD's DC's are teenagers just to see a bit of 'payback' happening Grin

Maryz · 12/07/2011 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BecauseImWorthIt · 12/07/2011 09:14

OP - I think others are right when they say that your daughter is probably disappointed that you can't come - and you haven't really given her much notice of that.

Having said that, whilst her reaction is understandable as, presumably the exhibition is a big deal for her, it does have to be made clear to her that the way she spoke to you was unacceptable.

It's not too late. Hopefully she has calmed down now, and you can therefore have a much cooler, somewhat more rational conversation about it, and just tell her how upsetting and unacceptable it was to be spoken to like that by her. You might point out how disappointed you are as well to be missing her exhibition.

I have two teenage boys (19 and 16) and if there's one thing I have learnt is that I never know how they're going to behave or speak to me from one day to the next! Mostly they are polite and respectful but they can lash out or, even worse, sulk and just not speak. They are like toddlers, I think, in that they need clear boundaries that are always enforced.

jeckadeck · 12/07/2011 09:22

I wouldn't sweat it. My father used to occasionally actually call me that. I (kind of) forgave him. You can't help thinking murderous thoughts about family from time to time. Its how you control it that matters.

minxofmancunia · 12/07/2011 09:28

OP YANBU, teenagers can be vile egotistical, sense of entitlement, moody, stroppy selfish like toddlers in fact. just a lot more challenging because they are bigger, more vile with more self-determination.

FWIW I was a complete angel til age 14 then I spectacularly went off the rails, big style. My parents were baffled, it doesn't necessarily follow a well behaved child continues into being an angelic teenager Hmm

TheSecondComing · 12/07/2011 09:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Curiousmama · 12/07/2011 09:33

I'd be hurt if ds1 (almost 14) said that to me although he wouldn't.

Think I'd go on strike tbh where she's concerned, make it plain you won't be spoken to like that. Ok so she may be hurt but she needs to learn to think before she speaks, it's a hard world out there and if she gets away with this too much she'll end up unliked.