AIBU to call my 14 year old dd a "fucking bitch"

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

- i didn't say it outloud, I just said it to myself in my head

she is being absolutely vile and thinks she can talk to me like something she trod in and I am sick to the back teeth of being spoken to disrespectfully.

I spent £40 on art supplies for her art exhibition she is doing this coming Friday. Today I started a job and I might not be able to go to her exhibition because I might be working Friday night. I have paid for her and supported her and driven her to her art activities all year long - I told her today I might not be able to go because of work but that I would be able to get there for the after-party and she said

"if you can't come to the exhibition don't bother coming to the after-party - i'd be embarresed if you were there anyway"

her db, ds and dad can go, it's just me that can't.

christ yes, tsc

teenagers live in a different reality to the rest of us, that is for sure

they are brilliant at re-writing situations that makes them out to be the misundersood hero of the situation

misunderstood

Oh and by the way ds1 is horrid at times - would be weird not to with teen hormones flowing and games to annoy him - but he'd never say I embarrass him. I've just embarrassed him so much being a loon over the years he's used to it

YANBU, as you didn't say it out loud. But I do think you should have said something out loud, and called her on her behaviour. Hindsight, eh? You'll know for next time. Yes she was disappointed and covering, but still no excuse for saying that to you. Perhaps that MN standby of "Wow, that sounded rude! Did you mean it to be?"

I would also go for the suggestion of reminding her of what she said next time she wants a favour like a lift or somesuch. Refuse, saying she's made it clear that she's embarrassed by you and you wouldn't want to visit that upon her. And stick to it. Afterwards, when she's had to beg her dad instead make other arrangements, you can calmly renegotiate her behaviour. She gives civility, you give privileges.

Agree she was just expressing her disappointment - and also she knows what buttons to press with you. 14 year old DDs know what will hurt you and hit home.

Incidentally, I make it a policy never to listen to people who don't have teenagers (either yet or any longer), when they proffer their "In my day" advice. Partly because they haven't a clue and mostly, because they tell lies.

... and even if you think you were a perfect teenager, given how self-absorbed and arrogant teenagers are you will have had no idea whatsoever how much your parents may have been tearing your hair out about your behaviour. Rational perspective is not something any of us has on our teenage years.

I, of course, was perfect

YANBU I find mental cussing a great help
Le queen - I am regarded by my peers as on the firmer end of the parenting spectrum. Dp and I never would have spoken back to parents. I sailed through the parenting of my first teenager - then came my sweet amiable gentle loving daughter........
Seriously - unless you want to spend your daughters teenage years cringing at what you put on the w w w - I'd think twice about keep posting like this. Different generation - different culture - a very different teenager to our generation

I am often flabbergasted by the things that teenagers say to their parents and get away with. If my dd had said that I would have demanded the £40 back and informed her that if her family meant so little that none of them would therefore make the effort to go.

I know I have yet to experience the teenage years, but surely they only say these things because they know they can get away with it? You can't punish them as a child anymore but you can still take away their priviledges whilst they are living with you? A child who doesn't give respect isn't worthy of respect themselves.

Rhubarb I totally agree and am frequently flabbergasted that they dare speak to me as they do .... Bloody awful

Sorry to duplicate flabbergasted!
It's sad really - you can take away liberties etc but teens just shrug!

Would it be an idea to treat them like children if they behave thus? I'm all for communicating and I do think that a sit down with them to explain how their words have made you feel might make them realise that they've really really hurt you, which I'm sure isn't their intention. Then you can tell them that if they want to be treated with respect they must treat you with respect.

There are plenty of ways you can embarrass the hell out of your kids at that age. You only have to do it once for that threat to suddenly become real and your kids start taking you seriously.

I would never ever accept that kind of backchat from a 14yo.

I have a dd(14) who may well be the twin of yours.
Merry, laid back, broadminded and good fun for 12.6 years. Morphed overnight into self obsessed little vixen. Even her accent has changed. And when did we go from shy to would-be-hooker-in-school- uniform? Mostly it is like living with an unexploded bomb but sometimes we get glimpses of the person we lost and the one who hopefully she will become. The glimpses are becoming more frequent lately. This gives me hope and I hope it will you.

Hi OP. Haven't read all of the thread but it sounds to me that she is really upset that you can't go to her exhibition. She would have it if you were going. I make no excuses for her behaviour but it seems that her disappointment has turned into anger.

*she wouldn't have behaved like that

Teenagers can be selfish creatures I can remember saying awful things to my mum when things weren't going my way. I think it is important to tell her that she has upset you and hurt your feelings. When I was a teenager I forgot my mum had feelings, I'm sure a little reminder would have altered my behaviour towards her.

I always pull up ds when he says things that could upset someone and it seems to work as he is very aware of others.

I was a HORRIBLE teen, and I blame it entirely on having strict, repressive parents.

A friend of mine has one, really sunny-natured, easy-going ds and she thinks he'll be a breeze as a teen, because 'she and her dh were'. Trouble is, she might just be proved wrong. And if she isn't, well I'm sorry but it is just luck. I hate to say it but if she had been my mother I would have gone completely off the rails because she's such a complete control freak.

And another word of caution to all those lucky deluded souls out there: another friend, who was a really easy-going child and teen, again with v strict parents has only lately started to go off the rails, saying that she didn't have enough fun as she was growing up. She was forced to conform for her parent's approval. The fallout in her life right now is hideous as it is affecting her children and all those close to her.

So bring on the disruptive teenage years. I'm not saying let them walk all over you, far from it, but if there's any consolation, I'm sure it's better to lance the boil while it's young! Or something...

My mum called me a bitch once when I was 14. Not an effing bitch, just a bitch. I still remember it and deserved it - my mum doesn't recall though :)

A good balance is what is needed. My dh's parents were too liberal and left them to get on with things, figuring that they'd learn by their own mistakes. My mother was very very strict and I never crossed the line because that would have resulted in a smack across the face and her screaming abuse at me.

My best friend is pretty liberal with her own teens but she did throw her teenage son out once and telephone social services to pick him up. All 3 of her children are the politest, most respectful kids I know (to me anyway ).

My oldest sister is a disaster with hers, never blaming them but other people, as a result her dd at the age of just 13 has been picked up by the police after being found pissed and alone in a park at night. She is a bully and abusive. Her teenage son has physically abused his mother and his sister.

My other sister is pretty liberal but perhaps too soft so her kids do walk all over her, say hurtful things and take the piss.

I'm learning from all of this meanwhile...

TheBolter i agree everyone has their "time" as it were, better that it be when a teenager than looking like a loser in your late 20s early 30s. I was pretty wild up to age 19 but can remember finding the get pissed til you're sick type behaviour of other students pretty tiresome at Uni as I'd ready been through that stage. I was certainly no angel in my 20s either and still love a few glasses of wine but I'm not out hammering pills and ketamine every weekend like some people my age seem to be doing (I;m 36). I've also got the attention seeking getting off with unsuitable blokes bit out of my system too, I have no desire to be the centre of attention or flirt embarrassingly with other men.

I was naturally very quiet creative and imaginative as a child but painfully painfully shy. Both my parents were very anxious people and my mum didn't really ever play with me or entertain me, and i didn't demand it, I just glued and painted and played with the play people for hours and hours. I was also very clever so was always hailed as some sort of child prodigy. I think the combination of not having the social skills to make friends (too shy), going from looking like a complete freak (and being mercilessly bullied about it) to being slim and pretty with big boobs, never really having had much attention from my parents apart from to tell me how much of a genius I was and the expectation being placed on me to live up to that caused me to veer wildly off the rails. booze, weed, other stuff, boyfriends in their 20s who'd been inside, the works.

It's made me who i am today though, and I'm glad i'm not some saddo "reliving their youth" snorting coke and copping off with 20 year olds at a house party.

Your DD said what she did, because she really wants you there, and is disappointed you may not be.

Keep digging, LeQueen!