AIBU to call my 14 year old dd a "fucking bitch"

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow]

- i didn't say it outloud, I just said it to myself in my head

she is being absolutely vile and thinks she can talk to me like something she trod in and I am sick to the back teeth of being spoken to disrespectfully.

I spent £40 on art supplies for her art exhibition she is doing this coming Friday. Today I started a job and I might not be able to go to her exhibition because I might be working Friday night. I have paid for her and supported her and driven her to her art activities all year long - I told her today I might not be able to go because of work but that I would be able to get there for the after-party and she said

"if you can't come to the exhibition don't bother coming to the after-party - i'd be embarresed if you were there anyway"

her db, ds and dad can go, it's just me that can't.

There was a thread recently that asked which was the hardest years of parenting.
Every poster with a child in their late teens or with a grown up child said the teenage years were the hardest.

My 2 DDs are 17 and 20 and although both growing into lovely young women and having no serious worries about them the teenage years have been the most challenging.

Until you have a teenager, you cannot possible know what it is like to parent a teenager, to live with them 24/7. It's like a women in the early stages of their first pregnancy being adamant that they know what giving birth will be like.

Oh now I'm playing the victim card because I have nothing better to do with my days? Really AF? My my, you have painted yourself badly on this thread. You come across as an aggressive know-it-all who even when a poster is not present, continues to make judgements about her and what she has posted.

Thanks for the psychoanalytical report, I'll be sure to see my GP with a copy of it

You want to know why I blew my top? Because I thought long and hard about those posts for Maryz and I mistakenly spoke about my dh. I did that with the best possible intentions because I have a very soft spot for children and teens with SN and wanted to extend my full sympathy to her and offer her some help and support. And you chose to use that against me.

That is why I blew my top.

And all of this came after I had already apologised for offending anyone, which you have conveniently forgotten.

Le Queen - absolutely you are right. Not all teenagers are like this. But some are, and it's the unpredictability of it that posters here are talking about.

I'm not saying and never have said that every teenager will turn into Kevin at the stroke of midnight on their 12th birthday. Just that you don't know if they will, and their upbringing or your style of parenting has absolutely nothing to do with that.

I hope, very much, that you (and Rhubarb0) are the lucky ones!

Compared to some posters here, I have been very lucky - so far. But that's not to say it's been easy. (Discovering that DS1 is gay was an added dimension in all of this!)

.... not that there's anything wrong with him being gay, of course!

Used what against you ?

if you regret posting personal information, how is that anyone else's fault ?

nobody said anything about your dh...why would they ?

this is getting strange

why am I defending your scarily-escalating accusations of fuck-knows-what ?

really, it's best we leave it, rhubarb

this now bears no resemblance to what our initial disagreement was about

rhubarb...I leave you the floor

say what you will

QLB - yes, I had already stated at least twice that I may well be wrong, but I was seeing things from my own experience with teenagers, both at work and personally. I fully hold my hands up and state once again that I may be wrong. But this is how it looks to me, from the perspective as someone stood on the outside looking in, I mistakenly thought that might be of help to others.

If it was an overnight transformation i.e. go to bed a sweet innocent kid and emerge the following morning as a growling, swearing werewolf type there would be dissertations and medical reports on the condition. I suggested that these events may seem to occur overnight but perhaps happen a wee bit more gradual? i.e. not as extreme as actually overnight

Quite often their life in terms of school activities friends etc is fine it is sometimes the way they change in their interaction with their parents that really changes. My ds has always skated made films did well in exams etc but he suddenly became extremely difficult with us almost as if his life was too goos and he wanted a bit of teen drama. It is not always serious stuff like drugs and police etc sometimes just day to day living becomes a nightmare and believe me it appears suddenly . If thats defensive then so be it but its the truth here

A dissertation FFs

Yup, try to imply that the poster is getting confused - nice tactic.

Let me remind you: "I also can't believe you are continuing to persist in telling Maryz how and why her son is behaving as he is, and what she should be doing about it.

She is being very polite about it, but I would be raging at you, tbh."

YOU dear, brought my discussions with Maryz which were apart from the main discussion and which I offered to have in private or on another thread, into the foray. If you cannot see how offensive your comments were then yes do run along. But to me that was very offensive and therefore my upset is valid. It is patronising to try to tell someone who has been upset/offended that they are somehow acting out of character or making a big deal of it.

I think I am making my points very clear. You said something that was very hurtful after I had been trying to help and offer advice. You made me feel low and shit. I had already apologise to anyone I had offended and I don't think your comments were necessary or deserved. You obviously think that not only were they deserved but that in my absence I needed to be judged and analysed some more to discover what exactly?

At least I had the good grace to apologise twice earlier in the thread. I doubt you'll do the same.

My teenage daughter's perception of how "good" her life is, is at complete variance with her parents perception

How does that happen ?

She has a comfortable life, most of the things she needs (although not necessarily all she wants ), an easy little PT job, a wide circle of family, her own space in two different abodes with two different sets of great friends, a lot of freedom (but not too much), is happy at school

She tells us it is all shit

< helpless in the face of that >

Oops sorry noddy, rushed typing. Jeez!

Out of interest.....

I had an idyllic and affluent childhood. Ponies, private school, stay at home mum who was strict but fair and very loving, very well off family, did lots of sport, all my peer group was similar, brought up to respect people, to have manners, couldnt have asked for better parenting or a more affluent lifestyle.

And then I turned into a teenager. Did the lot drugs (pretty much everything but smack), boys (the odd girl), illegal raves, evil to my parents, uncontrolable basically.

And then I grew out of it went to uni and now run a company, earn shedloads, am happily married, expecting first child, great friends, no health issues and generally have a great, lucky and sucessful life. So no harm done.

Felt like a right of passage really, as did apologising to my parents when I finally grew up. Because, my behaviour had nothing to do with them, nothing to do with my back ground or social class, nothing to do with how much sport I was doing and nothing to do with my peers (I was really the ring leader). And whilst I would be horrified if my children grow up to do the same I won't be surprised or horrifed. I will just hope I put down good enough foundations to give them a good chance of growing out of it.

If anyone would like to tell my mother that my behaviour was some how down to her, do let me know. Because it wasnt. My brother was fine. It was down to me and I do feel sorry for parents being "judged" on here.

your both wrong.

Noddy states as a fact that it appears suddenly. it certainly did for her.

Rhubarb states that it can't be that sudden

i can state that my daughter was a nightmare from the day she was born until she was 14.
that wasn't sudden
my youngest son has never really been a nightmare, we have had odd incidents.

my oldest turned into an arsehole very quickly aged 13.

we all have different experiences.

Similarly out of interest, I wonder if this overnight changed also happened 50 years ago when teenagers came out of school and went straight into work or the army? If not then perhaps it is more to do with society than the actual teenager.

Maryz has given me loads of fantastic advice. She knows what she is talking about.

As for tough love. My DS no longer lives at home. He is 17. He did turn over night. Not from an angel who did his homework and the washing up without a murmer. He turned from a manageable, loveable bundle of nuttiness into and angry and agressive liar who would say and do whatever it took to get his own way.

We do tough love. My OH is West Indian. Tough love = parenting to him. We did the talking, the sanctions, the contracts, the praising good behaviour, the rewards, more talking and stopping him leaving (he was 15). He then set up a campaign of getting us to kick him out so he would get a flat. Because thats what he thought would happen and nothing would change his mind. Eventually we did ask him to leave. We didnt tell SS that he couldnt come back, we said he could come back when he changed his behaviour. He is OUR responsibility and I refuse to give that up just because he wanted a council flat.

Of course we made mistakes. I doubt there is a parent on here who would deny that. But we didnt 'miss' the signs. We tried to deal with problems and issues as they arose.

It didnt work because in the end he was right and nothing would sway him. Apart from age and experience and now he is 17 that is beginning to kick in.

Maryz, I want to give you a squidge, I really do. I don't care if it is unmnetty.

DS1 is 14 and the day he hit 13 he did change overnight. On the whole he is a good kid but sheesh sometimes he really does push the boundaries.

I think it's hormonal. I don't care if that's not PC or something. I know that DD2 hit puberty and all hell was let loose. Temper tantrums, spots, peer trouble, the lot. Until puberty reared it's ugly head she was lovely

I'm sure she's still there somewhere, buried under a mountain of raging hormones.

custy - compared to others your ds is most definitely NOT an arsehole!

My sister says it was sudden too, but I can see that her dd did have everything done for her, was tolerated too much and behaviour largely excused. Then one day my sister asks how her dd had changed from an angel into a nightmare teen. I think her dd had just started to take the piss more and she only just realised. And yes, she knows I think this.

I think that your love of your kids blinds you when they are younger and you excuse them more, then you suddenly realise that they've somehow grown up without you noticing and are now behaving like teenagers.

But again, what the fuck do I know eh?

I am leaving this for def now but do not appreciate being called defensive at all.

Agree Noddy, the vast majprity of teenagers do not get involved with hard core drugs/police etc thank god, it is the interaction with parents which prompts parents to complain.

Someone put it very well earlier[with a lot of science involved] that teenagers are going through such huge hormonal/physical/mental developmental changes and that their verbal and social skills are often much further behind, so they do snap, slam doors, answer back and it is all normal.

My 2 did it and within reason I let them get away with it. You have to choose your battles with a teenager. If I had told my 15 year old that she wasn't allowed ot stay out all night, I wouldn't expect the response to be "ok mum, I agree with you"
The response would have been "oh that's so unfair, everyone else is allowed, you're soooooo mean" followed by a bedroom door slamming.

I would think this response is perfectly normal teenage behaviour and doesn't mean you are a bad parent for allowing it.

Sarah, yes it most probably is. But teenagers still had hormones back in the 1900's didn't they? During the war? I'm sure a far few were insolent back then too but there is no denying that this Kevin syndrome is a modern phenomenon and I am questioning whether it is really like that and why. I am not judging or blaming parents. Peer pressure has a lot to do with it, hormones and society at large. And the easy availability of drugs of course coupled with a lack of respect for adults. Teachers have no powers, the police aren't interested and parents are at their wits end. 50 years ago you were brought into line pretty swiftly, now teenagers are just sent to a therapist to talk over their issues. Half of them don't even have any issues!

I remember my mum making a poster and sticking it to my door when I was really bad. It said "Lost - has anybody seen my little girl" with a photo of me taken not a month before when I was still a delight and not a nightmare. So I think it was pretty sudden.

I still feel bad about that.

Rhubarb, in the 1900s, yes they did have hormones but they would also be shit scared of their parents/teachers/employers and would probably have been hit hard with a belt if they answered back or slammed a door. Is that what you think should happen today?