to not like the term step-mum/dad when the person has not brought up the child/ren

[springydaffs]

I don't like ex's wife being called my children's step-mother. She isn't their 'mother', step or otherwise, she is their dad's wife. If she had brought them up, either because their father got custody or I was dead, then she should be called their step-mother, but not if all she did was marry their dad. Similarly, I don't expect my future husband to be called their step-father - 'mum's husband' is sufficient, hardly a mouthful.

It isn't in the least disturbing-I have no intention of forcing myself -I should simply end the relationship in the interests of self preservation and find someone without baggage or stay on my own. I'm not going to have a lifetime of being 'dad's wife', stuffed in a compartment, rather than exoticfruits.
As it was I had a perfectly good relationship with a DD who might have become a DSD, but didn't, and we carried on the relationship after I stopped seeing her father-she actually liked me (not an impossibility!)
Experience has taught me that I don't need to get involved in a lot of someone else's aggro and it is better to not get involved with lots of baggage I have no control over.
A man with DCs doesn't come alone-get involved with him and you have to get involved with his DCs-or it causes heartache for all.

I think the DCs come first-always. If a man isn't putting his DCs first then I wouldn't want to know anyway.
It might be different if they were adult, but even then I think I would bow out if every social occasion is going to cause aggro. There is a thread at the moment-running for ages about weddings and top table. As a step mother I wouldn't expect to be on the top table but I would expect them to want me at the wedding, as exotic, not as 'dad's wife' -a duty to please dad.

Actually, I didn't say that the "the only thing that matters is what her and the father want", SAF.

I said that it was up to he and I to decide what my role in parenting the children was to be. It is not normally up to children to decide how they are parented. I am sure it is not up to your children how they are parented.

my DH refers to his mum's husband as his step dad but his dad's wife as his dad's wife or just by name.
but then his dad moved away when his parents split and he doesn't actually have a relationship with his dad's wife.

YANBU!

and this -
again i'm left thinking poor kids. you think you have the right to express affection? the right to have an independent relationship? the right to spend time with your partners children whether they want it or not?

That's right, I do! I live with these kids everyday, I am a part of their lives, and damn straight I have the right to tell them I love them or am proud of them! And to have friendships with them, in their own right, not simply because they live under my roof and I am married to their dad. And yes, they are MINOR CHILDREN WHO LIVE WITH ME - I most certainly have the right to spend time with them whether they want it or not. You don't seem to grasp that I am a a parent to these kids, not a housekeeper. Would you like it if I treid to tell you that you don't have the right to express affection to your kids? And WHY OH WHY would you want your kids living with someone who DIDN'T????????

It is simply unbelievable that you honestly have such a problem with such simple points.

i really find you disturbing.
I'm not bothered; your judgement is clearly so clouded by your insecurites as a mother that your opinion of me only confirms my position.

brdgrl - I agree that it is difficult to understand the OP pov; I have been trying unsuccessfully for over two years (her opinion is shared by DPs exW)!

Scarily, DPs daughter, now age 13, has been given the choice about whether she wished to have a relationship with one of her biological parents; and because of the way that parent chose to parent her, she has decided she does not want two parents, only one.
Food for thought for parents who give their children the autonomy to select who they wish to share their lives with

OP - I assume that your exH wife is as unwelcome at his DPs school events as I am at DSS's?

I can't get my head around the fact that a biological mother wants her DCs to spend time with a woman who doesn't have any affection for her DCs.

I'm in my 30's. my mother died some years ago, my father is remarrying next year. I like my father's partner and we get on really well but if feels weird thinking of her as my "step-mother" as obviously a mother is so precious and to deem anyone else with the title, even prefaced by "step" seems to grate somewhat. I'm sure many others in the same situation feel likewise. However, that's what she will be, my step - mother , and there's no getting away from it!

I haven't read the whole thread but I think it's abit ridiculous tbh. I am a step parent and my dc's also have a step parent. The kids are happy and comfortable with the terms and that's the most important thing.

Lables don't matter really but using a well known term helps the children be able to explain their family set up easily. They all refer to one another as brother and sister even though they are step siblings and don't live together all the time. Again, their choice and they are happy and comfortable so it doesn't really matter what the "proper" terminology is.

I also have a step dad who came in to my life after I had left home and isn't married to my Mum. He is a grandad to my kids and does for me all the things a "Dad" would do - for example he will come over and fix a leaking tap, babysit for the children, help me move home......etc. Calling him Mum's partner would undermine the importance he plays in my life.

So imo it should be up to the children if and how they choose to label the people in their lives. If they are happy I don't see why it would be of the slightest concern to anyone else or what difference it makes whether the term is "technically" correct or not.

Seriously, there are much bigger issues in the world than this!

I agree with the fact it should be up to the DCs to label. Technically they are step parents, even if they live on a different continent and you have never met them, but no one is going to force you to use it.
'Father's wife' appears to me to be an attempt to detach the step mother and make out that she doesn't really exist-or not in a way that impinges on anyone other than her husband.

My feelings exactly, swallowedAfly.

As the term 'step' is also not viewed in a positive light, then dad's wife etc should surely cover all eventualities? It is vague enough to spell out the situation and also vague enough for each family to have their own, private interpretation of what that means. I have a woman friend who really struggled to 'love' her husband's son (15yo), felt a lot of pressure to be a 'stepmother' to him and was mightily relieved that she didn't necessarily have to. Each new family carves out whatever suits that family. A lot of children aren't eg interested in their parent's new OH, not really, but know that their parent comes with a package ie a new partner. Love may grow but then again it may not, as long as everyone is decent - and tbh children seem to have more of a handle on being decent in situations like this than the adults.

This struck a chord: "She also seems to be hell bent on creating an 'ideal family'. I'm sure that this must be a temptation for second wives. So they can sort of trump the first failed marriage/relationship." Definitely the scenario with ex's wife unfortunately. I also "... truly hoped he would meet a warm loving caring partner but it seems he's met a rather bossy control freak"

NotaDisneyMum Tue 12-Jul-11 20:59:30
"OP - I assume that your exH wife is as unwelcome at his DPs school events as I am at DSS's"
I can see where the wife is coming from there Disney, sorry . It depends what has gone down before tbh. There's no point thinking we're all a happy bunch if we aren't iyswim. In my case, ex's wife applied for parental responsibility at ds's school, without my knowledge or consent. She also gave me a lecture after asking me a direct q about ds's schoolwork to which I fudged the answer (all the while going inside at the cheek of the woman), to which she demanded I immediately get ds's school records to check something or other. I responded with aplomb, as ds was within earshot.

This idea that, as someone posted, the first wife can't accept that the ex has moved on and has a new life - no, that's not it (though I'm sure some women feel like this in their heart of hearts, particularly if she was abandoned for someone else, which takes a lot of getting used to, takes time). It's when the ex's wife is presumptuous, takes on a role without waiting to be invited (if you like); jumps in feet first. It's all a bit much.

It's when the ex's wife is presumptuous, takes on a role without waiting to be invited (if you like); jumps in feet first. It's all a bit much.

Invited by whom? In my case, I was invited, by the father of the children in question - who does have an equal say in their lives and upbringing, even after divorce