to not like the term step-mum/dad when the person has not brought up the child/ren

[springydaffs]

I don't like ex's wife being called my children's step-mother. She isn't their 'mother', step or otherwise, she is their dad's wife. If she had brought them up, either because their father got custody or I was dead, then she should be called their step-mother, but not if all she did was marry their dad. Similarly, I don't expect my future husband to be called their step-father - 'mum's husband' is sufficient, hardly a mouthful.

And there's the rub Disney - it was my ex who gave carte blanche invited his wife to take over the mother role in my DCs lives. I know what you're saying - and, obviously, my situation was extreme - but I do think we all need to give good thought to the form in situations like this; that you dno't jump in and assume a role when there is a mother who is living and very much present in the DCs lives. You tread carefully and feel your way forward. imo if you (one) push it, step too quickly in, the mother will block you and continue to block you until (unless?) you take a step back and honour her in her role first, not (horror) take over or see yourself as equal.

springy so you are asking women in my situation to disregard the views/opinion/request of their DP and instead be sensitive to the feelings of their DPs exW?
Why, exactly, would I do that?

If DP asks me to pick DSS up from school, I will do so with pleasure, even though his exW may have told him (and me) that it's not my place; if DP can't collect him, DSS won't see his dad that weekend

"... to disregard the views/opinion/request of their DP and instead be sensitive to the feelings of their DPs exW? "

erm, technically, yes.

Though tbh your situation sounds very fraught and there seems to be an almighty battle going on, the exW firmly in the difficult corner - put there by you two? You sound to be at loggerheads and you and H seem to be refusing to respect her wishes. I would climb down, be willing to go to the negotiating table, ask her what she wants and doesn't want and respect it, do what you can to comply. She is not giving up easily by the sound of it - you have to ask yourself why.

sorry to be thick but what does DBC mean?

What DPs exW wants is for DP to no longer have any contact with his DC (this was her position long before i came on the scene) and despite repeated attempts, she has refused discussion and mediation.
What do you suggest? I bow out of their lives as they are unable to act like adults?

Why does she want DP out of DCs' lives? Do you know why Disney?

Springy - wouldn't it be easy to understand if I said, well DP was abusive/had an affair/is an addict - but none of those things are true He was an involved dad who equally cared for his children from infancy while his exW worked. When their marriage ended after her affair, she decided that as their mother, she was solely responsible for them from then on and has actively excluded him from their life; DP had to seek court intervention to maintain contact with them.

DP has sought answers and help from every avenue possible - the counsellors and therapists he has seen (alone) have suggested any number of theories as to why a loving mother would deny their children a relationship with their father.

She didn't/doesn't have a father figure in her life herself - but rather than miss it, she uses her own experience as evidence that DPs involvement is not necessary.
According to some of the therapists DP has spoken to, she is also displaying some characteristics of personality disorder - something that the UK family courts are reluctant to acknowledge when considering DC welfare

I have no doubt that my presence is a contributory factor to the ongoing hostility she displays towards DP - but I do not believe that the DC will benefit from my 'stepping back' just because their father is not following the script their mother has written for their lives

MJ - I'll message you later with a couple of books that DP was recommended - both of which examine that issue!

I'm certain it has been covered but it's fairly obvious to me that either you can take the view that once someone remarries, their new partner is 'step-parent' regardless of how much involvement they have. Or they could be given the title of 'step parent' becuase of the involvement they have at any stage, married or otherwise. E.g. My DSD's mum doesnt see why she calls me step mum and doesnt like it, she says it should be reserved for only once we get married. Personally I feel that having DSd for 4 days out of 7 a week icluding most weekend days, supporting her finacially, helping her with homework, giving her boyfriend advice, ferrying her and her friends around etc affords me the right to more than "dad's girlfriend"

My DD calls my ex's partner 'step-mum', DD is with them 5 days out of 14 only but she does play an active part in DD's life and has no children of her own so it doesn't bother me.

Why would it? I'm Mummy, much more important.

People often assume I am DSD's mum, to which she responds "no, she's my step-mum" I would be mortified if she said "no, she's my dad's girlfriend" It just sounds so crap considering what i actually do for her.

Another point, Any step-siblings are presumably okay to be called "step-sister/ brother" do you object to that too?

AMEN MJ! With your own children you can do as you please. You can rely on your instincts and know without doubt that even if you are doing it worng (within reason!) it's your business. No one questions whther you are doing things for the sake of your children because it is assumed that is what mother's do. No one meddles with the lessons you are teaching them (at least no one with as much clout as you!)
But as a step mother you are presented with these children who are usually going through a tough time as it is - Dad has a new partner and where do I fit in? You're supoosed to treat them as well as you do your own children, but not over step the mark.
You are expected to do all the drudge but never claim any of the glory.

It's Reeeeally hard.

My Dad's wife has told me not to call her my 'Step Mum' and when I had kids she said 'I will not be called Grandma' - this is fine by me as it is up to her but I get reprimanded by everyone else when I call her by her first name or talk of my Dad's wife - to such an extent that I now say Step Mum when she isn't there!!!! I don't think it's a case of different strokes for different folks but it obviously bothers some people!

I do think it's a thankless task berkshire, the name of the game. It does go somewhere though, even if no-one can see it. It goes into those kids' lives - can't get more important than that. Though we would all like/need a bit of recognition for our labours.

LDNmummy lives in a culture where everyone adult is called aunty or uncle. Shame we don't have the same, it would scotch any judgements or whatever. I'm a bit bleurgh about the 'bonus' word tbh - I certainly didn't find my children's 'stepmother' bonus and to call stepchildren bonus children is a bit erm idealistic imo. Not all of them are 'bonus', let's be fair.