to not like the term step-mum/dad when the person has not brought up the child/ren

[springydaffs]

I don't like ex's wife being called my children's step-mother. She isn't their 'mother', step or otherwise, she is their dad's wife. If she had brought them up, either because their father got custody or I was dead, then she should be called their step-mother, but not if all she did was marry their dad. Similarly, I don't expect my future husband to be called their step-father - 'mum's husband' is sufficient, hardly a mouthful.

emptyshell if you were talking about my post I am in no way slating women without children.
Its her choice I dont really care if she has a child of her own or not, thats not the point I was making at all.

SAF- i understand where you are coming from. Posters start threads about the demands of ex partners in terms of the care of the DSC's and talk about how overstreched they are and they cannot manage it, most of the time posters say 'well don't do as she asks' and not 'why isn't their DM, your DP, doing it.

I do think that it is up to the child or adult to decide what title that they use and others, even the parents shouldn't comment.

Houseelfheave

There is a spectrum of step-parent relationships from the bad to the indifferent, to the polite, to the friendly, to the truely loving.

The point is that they are all legally covered by the term step-mother/step daughter etc...from the moment of the new marriage, but it may take many years before you find out which kind of relationship it is actually going to be, and for the child to decide how they feel most comfortable describing the relationship.

The mother/daughter/father/son bit of the step-... description is emotionally loaded. A decent human should make their husband/wive's children feel welcome in their house whatever they call them.

where do you get these expectations from exotic? why should they have to continue a relationship with you if you turn out to just be dad's latest wife?

Because there is no way that I would have married him if his DCs hadn't accepted me and had a relationship in their own right. I went out for several years with a man with a DD, she didn't like it at first, but we took it very slowly and built up a relationship-she did lots with me on her own (her mother had lots of issues with her ex but she did at least phone me up and thank me for doing nice things with her DD).
When I finished with him his DD (AGED 14yrs) wrote me a lovely letter saying she hoped it wasn't her fault which I thought sad-of course it wasn't. I stayed in touch with her-why wouldn't I?It was her father I stopped seeing-nothing to do with her.

You are obviously very bitter SAF -a shame if you let your DCs know.

I wouldn't be stuffed in a compartment and dismissed as 'dad's wife' for anyone. If you don't like DCs saying 'my stepmother' they would have to be saying my friend. If I am to be nothing- I don't want to know.
And I frankly find it quite insulting that splitting from the father means I drop the step DCs-as if I only made a relationship because I wanted DH and didn't love them for themselves.

As i explained in my earlier post my middle DD calls my DP 'step dad', she chooses this. His DC's call me their dads GF, if anything i parent them in a closer fashion, than he does mine, we parent differently, especially older DC's, i think that it is immaterial what title we are given.

step parent is merely the correct definition-like step sister-you don't actually have to like each other or see each other-step sister defines the relationship-not the quality of it.

Exotic- it depends on the age of the DC's, i married my first husband despite the DC's not wanting it to happen, their DM had a lot of problems and came from a very disfunctional family. I was never accepted by them and it is only as two of them have matured that they now pick holes in what the others have to say and can see both sides.

It has recently 'caused murder' because one of their DC's, my 'step GC, (if you like), listed me as such on FB, i didn't ask for that and they have my DD's as Auntie, which is also causing problems. It is ridiculous.

My whole point Birds-I would walk away early-not worth the aggro.

exotic -

I think the quality of the relationship does matter in terms of what it feels right to call it.

Being a mother, daughter, sister, brother etc...are relationships for life - you can't usually become an ex-brother etc...for example if I had a step-brother who was like a brother to me and our parents split up I would not describe them as my ex-step-brother since the quality of our relationship would not have changed at all. On the other hand if we didn't have a brotherly relationship but one that was simply by virtue of our parents being married I would refer to them as my dad's exwife's son.

Similarly if you have a 'step-mother' who was like a mother to you growing up and you call them your step-mother then I think they stay your step mother all your life. But if they are just your dad's wife and you do not have that kind of relationship then they may well become your dad's exwife or your dad's widow.

By these arguments, I shouldn't call my Mother in Law, my Mother in law as I don't know what my relationship with her is going to be like and she's not my mother. Ditto BIL, ditto SIL and so on and so forth.

When I married my DH and he had a child, I became her step mother. When her SD married her mum, he became her step dad. Its really not that difficult.

I am not making exceptional demands-it is just self preservation and not wanting a life full of aggro-I would just walk away early on.
If I meet a man with DCs, his DCs are going to be the most important people in his life, ahead of me (if they are not then he wouldn't be a man that I wanted to have a relationship with). I would expect to be a part of all his life and not shoved in a separate compartment. I am not saying that the DCs have to accept me, just that if they don't I would get out early on. I would expect to be able to go out and see his DCs on my own-if I am there on sufferance because I am 'dad's wife', and not liked for myself-I would rather not get involved.
I have had enough experience of my own, and seen others, to know that it is better to have a bit of heartache at the start by ending it, than go on with a lifetime of not being accepted and every simple invitation being fraught.

Step-parent, step-brother, mother-in-law, half sister, second cousin, once removed etc etc describe a relationship-they are not an option. Some you get for life-e.g. second cousin once removed and some you can sever e.g. mother-in-law (if you divorce). You may not even see the person, or even know they exist (in case of second cousin once removed) but that is who they are.

As for the argument that calling someone a "stepmother" will make it harder on the kids if the relationship doesn't last, well, that's just plain silly.

Silly, but the offensive undertone is that second wives should be treated as temporary.

Bitter, much?

"i'd imagine the best step parents are those who are respectful of everyone's needs and feelings and are flexible as to what their role is and what the children feel comfortable with rather than a list of demands."

But in the same post, you point out that you essentially have no experience with the situation:
"my parents never divorced, i've never divorced, no step parents in my picture"

so, yes, you might "imagine" what step parents ought to be like, but let's be very clear that it IS your imagination.

I am shocked at the idea that if the marriage fails you stop the relationship with the step children -why?

How about calling them bonus mothers following on from the trend to call step children bonus kids. Personally I don't like this term.

From my own experience I have found that exh 's p over emphasises the importance of her role to our ds's (she sees them once a fortnight for 24 hours). She also seems generally bossy and overbearing. And he just takes the line of least resistance. She also seems to be hell bent on creating an 'ideal family'.

I'm sure that this must be a temptation for second wives. So they can sort of trump the first failed marriage/relationship.

I'm not sure how I'd be if I ever become a second/or third wife. I would hope to have a good relationship with that man's dcs (due to my age they are not likely to be young) but Im pretty laid back and quite secure so would not try to over involve myself.

I would like to think I'd be sensitive to the feelings of any dcs.

In my own case I get the impression that my exh and his p think their parenting is superior to my own and have no idea what sort of crap he has fed her about things generally.

I truly hoped he would meet a warm loving caring partner but it seems he's met a rather bossy control freak and my dcs come a bit down the list of both their priorities. His new dcs come first and whilst I blame him for that I don't think she does anything to discourage that.

I do disagree, actually. I think that stepparents are OBVIOUSLY entitled to have expectations about their role. My job was to communicate those expectations to my partner, and he decided if he could commit to marriage to me based on those expectations. Likewise, he needed to communicate his expectations to me, and I decided if I could commit based on his expectations. Just like any couple deciding to get married, I should think. In our case, that includes expectations about how much "mothering" of the kids I would do.

(It might surprise some people here to hear it, but it also included the expectation that this was a LEGITIMATE marriage, with all the same vows and intentions of permanance as any other/first marriage.)

The decision to "turn me into" a stepmother was made by my partner, based on what he wanted for his kids. Not on what his kids wanted. If he made his decisions based on what his kids wanted, instead of what he thought was best for them, he'd be a lousy dad.

Luckily for ALL of us, he thought having a stepmother would be best for them. I agreed. So that is what I am. Regardless, as you put it, of what the CHILDREN want or feel. The children also WANT and FEEL that they should eat crisps and bolognese for every meal, but we aren't flexible about that, either.

My role with my stepkids is WHATEVER role my DH and I agree on.

I fail to see what is wrong by doing the sensible thing and not getting involved with a family who don't want you. A man with DCs doesn't come alone-if you don't want his DCs, or they don't want you, then don't continue. I certainly wouldn't continue as 'Dad's wife'-I am would have to be a person in my own right. I don't call it inflexible-I am not forcing myself-I would remove myself completely if not wanted. I am just not prepared to be in a compartment and have to be tolerated rather than welcomed.

Much better to agree the role first than get upset afterwards. I can't imagine why the natural mother wouldn't want a loving step mother for her DCs-has to be better than the alternative.

If you don't like the agreement that your XH has made with a new spouse, that's an issue to address with him, but it seems that the problem here is with the new wife considering herself a stepmother, which is exactly what she is. Your XH made sure of that.

Don't pity my kids. Yep - I said "my kids".

Exotic- the problem with that is wether the reasons are valid. As i said my first DH's ex wife's family was very disfunctional, he had tried to 'save' her, even though she had complex problems, they had a very negative influence on the DC's. So we ignored some of what was said and done, the DC's were fine until the family 'got to' them, this was in a short space of time.

I wasn't going to end my relationship because of it, i had fell in love and we were happy until his death, 22 years later. They were all over 14, though, any younger and without good reason, they cannot have an opinion, take things slowly, but you cannot stay single forever, to suit the DC's or family.

Many on here are not wanted by DSC's or MIL's etc.