to not like the term step-mum/dad when the person has not brought up the child/ren

[springydaffs]

I don't like ex's wife being called my children's step-mother. She isn't their 'mother', step or otherwise, she is their dad's wife. If she had brought them up, either because their father got custody or I was dead, then she should be called their step-mother, but not if all she did was marry their dad. Similarly, I don't expect my future husband to be called their step-father - 'mum's husband' is sufficient, hardly a mouthful.

i have a problem with it too .. mainly because my ex's gf seems to think shes my childrens step mother, she wont even allow them in her house.. what right has she got to even think she a step mother!
My partner is my partner, although he has brought the children up for the last 10 years as his own hes no way their father, i have heard the kids refer to him as their step dad when talking to friends occasionally..but apart from that he's my bf/partner

I agree. I have 2 step daughters. I always refer to them as that, as I include them In my family. I always refer to myself as their dad's wife. I am in no way their mother. I bought into their lives when I married their dad. Hence, I include them in all aspects of our family and call them my step daughters. But, they didn't buy into my life and don't call me mother. They have a mother. It's perfectly acceptable and easy to refer to me as their dad's wife.

And, I have actually been around for the vast majority of their lives. So what? Their mother is their mother. Not me.

So: YANBU

Tho, fwiw, on a couple of occasions, I have been referred to as step mum, and I don't have a problem with it, just that it shouldn't be expected.

YANBU if they have never brought them up. My mam married mher husband when I was 24, very rarely refer to him as stepdad, usually only when I am after something

purplecupcake I do understand wanting to make that distinction between "father" and "stepfather" or "mother" and "stepmother". That's quite valid.

I could see why a biological mother (I am one) would not want to accept the new wife being called "mother", whether by the kids themselves, or by anyone else.

"stepmother" does not equal "mother"!!! Not biologically, not NECESSARILY emotionally, and not linguistically. But we have a word already - we don't even need a new term like 'bonus mothers' (lol - i can't see the posters who object to 'stepmother' preferring 'bonus'!!!) - we have a perfectly good word that doesn't even MEAN anything as far as emotions go - it just describes a reality. That word is stepmother.

The thing is, the posts here reveal that the REAL problem isn't with the word - the real problem seems to be that some mothers are unhappy about the addition of a permanent, involved, even loving, new relationship in their child's life, that they (understandably!) feel scared about, because it is largely outside of their control.

As far as my own expectations - in my specific case - the kids call me by my first name. When they talk about me to other people, they call me their stepmother. I don't think this means anything in particular to them; they certainly don't see it as a sign of disloyalty to their mum or anything remotely like that. I think they are simply smart kids who understand that a word has a definition, and the definition of stepmother is "that lady what married my dad". They see and refer to me as their stepmother because that is what I am. They don't see me as their mother, and we are all perfectly ok with that.

Well, what can I say? A person trusts a man's judgement enough to marry and have kid(s) with him. Continues to trust his judgement enough (or alternately, a court makes that decision, I suppose) that the father has contact with the child. But when that father makes a decision that the XW is unhappy with - to bring a new person into the child's life - a decision that I cannot help but notice that many of the XW's have ALSO made - the XW wants to be able to exercise control over that by dictating the terms of life in someone else's household. It's ludicrous.

I am entitled to:
be called the factual term for what I am - a stepmother. Statement of FACT.

Also I am entitled to:

1. Have a say in how the members of my household conduct themselves
2. Make decisions equally with my spouse regarding our finances, our work, our leisure time, and our future plans
3. Be treated with respect by all the members of my household
4. Develop relationships with every member of my household that are independent of one another
5. Spend time with every member of my household
6. Express affection, or indeed, irritation, with every member of my household

At minimum.

Personally, I don't know why anyone would want to be a step mum... The name has so many negative connotations and associations. I'm much happier just being dad's wife. For that.. In essence.. Is what I am. I do not parent the children, I do not wish to parent the children. I take the best possible care for them when I am asked to be the adult in charge of them.

It's impossible to demand any title from a child. It has to be earned.

And even then, there are problems. When I had my daughter, I longed for her to call me mummy. But no... I have a diva daughter who from the age of 18 months has referred to me as mum ( or mama when she is after something!)

Never never demand emotional stuff from a child. But give it freely.

Lecture over ;-)

Swallowedafly - you're right, I'll stop being part of my partners sons life when he's here, to spare his mums feelings.

I'll exclude myself from family activities (oh, and I assume my DD must be excluded too as she is not a full time part of his life either)?
I'll tell him he can't join in when I'm Scrapbooking or baking - he should be spending time with his Dad cos that is who he's here to see.

I won't wake my partner when I hear his son crying in the night, or help his Dad settle him back into bed.

I won't involve my partners son in the care of my pets that he enjoys so much - and when he asks if he can enter my dog into his school pet show, I'll tell him no, because he only visits here- they're not his dogs - he should ask his mum if he wants a pet, cos hr lives with her.

I won't go on family holidays, or arrange my work schedule around his visits - I'll step back and become a stranger to him, because his Mum expects his Dad to parent him alone, not involve the woman he loves.

brdgrl.... I disagree.

While I think you have to accept step kids into your house /family, I think you also have to accept that they may choose to NOT accept you.

That's not to say you put up with bad behaviour, but it's for you to manage with your partner (the parent).

Again, it's a word. With a definition. It is not a choice - could I have chosen to be just his wife and nothing to do with his kids? Uh, no. Unless what you really mean is "you could have chosen not to marry this guy; after all, he has kids".

It also shouldn't be construed as a demand for affection or any emotion. Is any one of the "stepmothers" on this thread saying "I demand my husband's children call me stepmother because then they'll show they love me!"? Uh, no. No one has even remotely suggested this.

Is it a word we are absolutely entitled to use about ourselves, because it APPLIES? Uh, yeah.

My DP and I are getting married.

Technically, at that point I suppose he will be my kids Step-Dad.

But they call him by his name, and I don't expect that to change.

DD1 said recently that if she was in a pickle and couldn't get me on the phone she would phone him next (ie before her bio dad)

That says it all really.

It's a word, legally yes that is what DP will be, but honestly, as long as the relationships between them work and suit and everyone is happy WTF does it matter what a step-mum/dad/whatever gets called?

Notadisneymum... Excuse my French, but grow the fuck up. You are the adult. No-one is saying you Have to not speak to the child! You just have to understand that you will do all this stuff and there is every chance that many feelings /efforts won't be reciprocated (as is what happens with bio children too)

Wait - did my post say anything about the kids accepting me? I think my point was that I am their stepmother, whether they accept that or not.

Fortunately, they do.

Generallyspeaking, I wonder if you have read all the posts here? Actually, some posters are implying exactly what notadisneymum has inferred. She's quite right.

Generally - I disagree, SAF does expect wives who do not care for the children full time to 'step back' and for the non-resident parent to take responsibility for these things - check out her comments from this morning.

I know that my partners ex considers I am overstepping the boundaries by attending her sons sports day with his Dad....but she didn't attend

brdgrl - you describe stepparents as "permanent, involved, even loving, new relationship in their child's life"...the point is some are and some aren't.

Some are temporary, not particularly engaged and emotionally unattached to their partner's children (without necessarily being cruel or getting inbetween the parent and the child). It depends on the people involved, their existing relationships, the age of the children when the new relationship starts etc...

Isn't it devaluing the role played by stepparents who children see as like-a-parent by insisting that any stranger married to your dad should be described as stepmother.

Sorry, yes brdgrl, you are right... There about 8pages of comments I didn't read. Sorry am new to posting.

Anyone who suggests you should ignore the child (unless it's as a final straw) should not be married to a man with children and it's sad that the father of those children would allow such a negative influence to be in their lives.

thanks, generallyspeaking.

nameforaday, the thing is, the objections on this thread seem mainly to be aimed at the women who are TRYING to be engaged and emotionally attached - this hasn't been a thread of mothers complaining about how the new spouses aren't looking out for or caring about the children - exactly the opposite. No, the venom here is reserved for "over-involved" and "interfering" women who have forgotten their proper place.

The thread really seems to be about a first wife not liking the fact that the father of her DCs has moved on and got a new wife-she wants the new wife kept firmly in her place as 'dad's wife' as if she has absolutely no place in the lives of the DC.
She has to accept that her ex isn't a free agent, he comes with DCs and whoever marries him gets a relationship with the DCs-she should just be very relieved if they get a woman who wants to get to know and love them. It doesn't take love away from her-there isn't a finite amount of love to go around.
When my DH married me he got my DS-there was no question of me coming alone and them being stuck in different compartments in my life and DH and DS never doing anything together without me.
Step parent is the technical term to describe who the person is in relation to the DC-it is nothing to do with the quality of the relationship.

Dh's mum re married when he was an adult, dh was married to me, we had a child. The new husband introduced himself to everyone as dh's step father, (DH had a sort of high profile (ish) job in a certain circle which meant his mum would go and take her new husband, and his dad would go and later take his new wife)

Dh introduces him at his mothers husband. It infuritates the living hell out of him, that this man thinks he has any entitlement to a role of father, when he never ever has taken any role in his up bringing.

for info Dh's dads new wife introduces herself as dh's dads wife, she doesnt believe she has any right to associate herself with dh.