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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not like the term step-mum/dad when the person has not brought up the child/ren

244 replies

springydaffs · 11/07/2011 10:04

I don't like ex's wife being called my children's step-mother. She isn't their 'mother', step or otherwise, she is their dad's wife. If she had brought them up, either because their father got custody or I was dead, then she should be called their step-mother, but not if all she did was marry their dad. Similarly, I don't expect my future husband to be called their step-father - 'mum's husband' is sufficient, hardly a mouthful.

OP posts:
edwinbear · 11/07/2011 10:40

YANBU. My father left my mum when I was 33 to set up with a gold digging home wrecking tart. Thankfully he died 8 months later so never married her, but she would have been my step mother over my dead body. Not that I'm bitter about it at all.

Hassled · 11/07/2011 10:45

My older DCs have a father and a step-father. DH (step-father) has never tried to be an extra father - but he has watched them grow up and loved them and cared about them. He's much more to them than just my husband.

When DS1 graduated he was very firm that he wanted his father and DH there - it was his way of acknowledging the role DH had had in his life. And to be fair to him, Ex acknowledges that too. I think you're seeing things in a very black and white way.

thursday · 11/07/2011 10:47

it depends on the relationship and the age it occurred i think. if my parents got divorced and remarried now then i dont think they'd be my step-parent other than technically. but if Mister and i separated now and he had a new wife in a couple of years then my children are young enough for her to be a step-mother to them, as she would be involved.

TheCrackFox · 11/07/2011 10:49

YANBU.

If they have been heavily involved in child rearing then fair enough but otherwise they should not be give a pseudo mum/dad title.

bubblesincoffee · 11/07/2011 10:49

YABU. It's only a label, it doesn't really mean anything. What matters is the relationships these step parents have with the children, and in the end, that is all the children will think of. It's not like they have the same unconditional love for their step parents as they do their parents, and I think alot of step parents have a very difficult job to do.

My dh deserves the term step dad, because he provides financially, looks after my dc if I need him to, does things for them, has to put up with the fact that they are the family priority without having any real say in how they are brought up, he puts them first while knowing that they will never feel about him they way they do about me and their Dad. He is wonderful, and at the very least deserves to be called step dad, because that's what he is. He did all that before we were married as well. Step parent is just an easy way to refer to thet person.

GooseyLoosey · 11/07/2011 10:51

YABU. My mother remarried when I was in my mid-20s. Her husband is very much part of my family. My children refer to him as Grandpa and love him very much. They know he is not my dad but he is very important to us all.

DogsBestFriend · 11/07/2011 10:52

YANBU. The bitch my father's married to isn't a mother to me, step or otherwise! She's my father's control freak, gold digger wife.

Likewise the woman with whom my ex-husband lives is not my children's stapmother, she's their father's partner/girlfriend.

allosaurusrex · 11/07/2011 10:52

YAB a bit U. My parents both split up when I was 17 and both had remarried by the time I was about 21. I refer to my mum's husband as my step-dad not to indicate a relationship necessarily, more out of convenience. Mum's husband is a bit of a mouthful I'm afraid! I don't refer to my dad's wife as my step-mum but then my relationship with my dad is a bit different, if it were closer (or she were more maternal) I might.

I guess it just depends completely on the individuals, relationships and particulars of a situation. Just because the children are grown up it does not mean that step-parent is an inappropriate label.

DuelingFanjo · 11/07/2011 10:55

I agree.

swallowedAfly · 11/07/2011 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

silverfrog · 11/07/2011 11:04

hang on - all of those who are saying that you can only be a step mother if "heavily involved" in the upbringing of the children - are you sure you mean that?

becasue all too often step parents are told to "keep out" of things which aren't their business.

so which is it?

I have been married to dh for 10 years now. my step children are (now) adults.

I am their step-mother. even their mum agrees this (I think - have never actually had a conversation with her about it, but the ease with which the dc refer to me as this means this is the case, imo).

I was not "heavily involved" in their upbringing. it was not my place to be. I ahve welcomed them into their dad's home, and have cooked and cleaned, and organised holidays and done homework where applicable.

but all this woudl have been done anyway (well, not the homeowrk, but the rest).

define "heavy involvement" please. because it sounds as thoguh some of you are meaning actual involvement in child-rearing decisions, and we all know how vilified step-parents are if they dare to take an interest in their step-children's lives...

squeakytoy · 11/07/2011 11:05

I married my husband when his kids were all in their teens, the youngest being 13.

I call them my stepchildren, which is what they are. They call me by my first name, and refer to me as their stepmother, or "dads wife" ... I dont mind which they use.

The younger two lived with us for most of their teens, and the eldest lived with us briefly before she moved in with her partner.

My stepson has a daughter now, and my title is "Nanny "insert first name" "

silverfrog · 11/07/2011 11:08

oh, and unless I have misread/misunderstood - what is the implication behind the "callign by first name" thing?

what else are my step children supposed to call me? I do not think there is any implied lesser relationship becuase they use my first name - what a bizarre notion.

debinaboat · 11/07/2011 11:12

yanbu at all. my father is about to re-marry, i am 50.she wont be my stepmother nor will her "children" be my step bro and sis! she is nice enough but she does not and will never warrant the term mother....but like the poster earlier my dh who is my dds stepfather fully deserves the title of father.

chicletteeth · 11/07/2011 11:24

YABU. It's just a label for pete's sake. Who cares. I know people who call their parents by their first name; it doesn't make them any more or less of a parent for it. Just wondering, would all you first wives then say that your children were being marginalised and not included in the family unit if they weren't referred to step-children?

If you want them to be treated the same, surely it cuts both ways?

FWIW, I'm a step-mum. My SD refers to both me and her SD as such by choice. She calls me by my first name - and refers to her three half-brothers (being technical since you seem to like this) as her brothers?

Ok with you?

NotaDisneyMum · 11/07/2011 11:32

YAB(a bit)U.

I'm not married to my DP, but consider myself to be DSS step-mum; he lives with his mum, but stays with us here 2 nights a week.

I celebrate his successes, mop his tears, share his life with him just as much as his dad does and I have a closer relationship with him than many of his blood relatives on both sides of the family.

I don't want to be his "mum", but I do care for him, and love him. The phrase "dads partner/girlfriend" doesn't reflect the fact that I am involved in DSS life, as well as his dads, in a way that "dads friends" or "dads colleagues" are not.

I don't understand why some parents want to limit the number of significant people in their DC life - surely, the more people who love and care for a DC, the better?

swallowedAfly · 11/07/2011 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HPonEverything · 11/07/2011 11:39

As a 'stepmother' myself I agree with the OP but I think it depends on factors like age of kids and amount of involvement you have with them. I hate the term and don't deserve it. For various reasons DH has little enough involvement with his children, and so I have even less, and they are in their 20s.

Even worse is my DH's sister's kids (boy 25, girl 34) referring to me as their Auntie - I'm 33 so actually younger than my 'niece'! Hate it, even if from a family links point of view it's correct.

chicletteeth · 11/07/2011 11:40

NotaDisneyMum you are right. Your post is very true. Seems to me as though OP is a bitter ex-wife.

BTW, they don't do custody nowadays do they? Didn't think that was the accepted term. My SD lives with her mum and SD during the week but of course they are all at school/working so she probably sees more of us on a waking hourly basis and she certainly spends a similar amount of quality time with me and DH. We don't have custody as you put it.

My DH's first wife was kind of like you (but not as bitter) but she got over it.

She is very happy that both her partner and now her ex-husbands wife (me) are so involved with and take care of her daughter.

brdgrl · 11/07/2011 12:03

What kind of fantasy world is it where the "dad's wife" of children, with whom there is shared custody or even regular visitation, is 'nothing to do' with parenting???

Does she have to change her schedule or her lifestyle because there are children's needs to consider? Damn straight she does.

Does any part of her or her partner's finances go to caring for the children? I should think so!

Does she have to live with (even on a part-time basis) the personalities and foibles of the children, with no option to simply walk away? Almost certainly!

Does she share other family members with the children in question - in-laws, other kids, etc? Quite possibly.

Even the least involved step-parents of dependent children end up HAVING NO CHOICE but to take on at least some of the tasks of parenting. The label step-parent reflects that.

I love my stepkids. But even if I didn't (and even when we don't like one another very much), I STILL have to make sure they are fed and clothed and well. I still have to take an interest in their manners, their discipline, and their education. I still have to consider them in every decision I make - where to go on holiday, where to live, where to retire, what to serve for dinner, what to do on a friday night, how loudly to play my stereo, what jobs to apply for, whether to have more kids...

I'm their stepmother, whether any of us like the term or not.

pranma · 11/07/2011 12:08

My lovely step children were all in their teens when I married their dad and all 3 came to live with us.They call me their stepmother but do not call their mother's husband their stepfather as they feel that it was his relationship with their mother that broke the marriage.It is so complicated-dont make it worse-let it be for now your dc will decide when they are older.Stepmother just mean's father's wife after all.

MiraNova · 11/07/2011 12:15

My parents both remarried when I was in my late 20s and I have always referred to their new spouses as my stepfather and stepmother. Being a parent doesn't stop when your child reaches 18, and I've been very fortunate and grown to love both my step-parents very much. They've both given me love and support, and are closely involved with my children - and are 'proper' grandparents to them.

A step-parent often has a closer relationship than a PIL - so I think it's reasonable for your ex's - wife to be called a stepmother - but totally understand you not liking it!

Birdsgottafly · 11/07/2011 12:18

My middle DD calls my DP step-dad. We do not live together and have only been together for four years, but if any of my DD's needed anything, he is there for them and the same applies to my attitude towards his grown up DD's. We would both fully act 'in loco parentis', if it was called for, however old they are.

It is upto the child how they refer to the partner of their parent. People commit to the care of DC's differently especially as they get older so 'being called a step-parent' cannot be so easily catagorised.

UC · 11/07/2011 12:36

in total agreement with brdgrl.

If you are in a relationship with a DP with children, and those children live with you part or all of the time, then at those times you are surely in loco parentis. Certainly when I am at home 3 mornings and afternoons a week before and after school with 4 DCs, 2 of mine and 2 of DPs, and DP has gone to work, I am the responsible adult. I treat all 4 the same (or try very hard to). My DSSs call me by my first name, my DSs call me Mummy, we are all aware that I am not DSS's mum but am caring for them when they are with me as though I was. If they are upset, I talk with them, if they hurt themselves, I get out the plasters, if they forget to take something to school, I take it in for them. Just as I do for my own DSs. And I blow them a kiss at night, or give them a hug if they are miserable. I would call all of that taking part in parenting those DSSs.

I am lucky that DSS's mum is great, we have a very good relationship, and we do discuss parenting together with DP as well. She happily calls me the DSS's Stepmum.

What I want for my children, and DSS's mum and I have discussed this too, is for them to have 4 role models - their mum, their dad, and their step parents on both sides.

2shoes · 11/07/2011 12:37

yabu
my step mum was my step mum, even though I didn't meet her until i was 18