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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not like the term step-mum/dad when the person has not brought up the child/ren

244 replies

springydaffs · 11/07/2011 10:04

I don't like ex's wife being called my children's step-mother. She isn't their 'mother', step or otherwise, she is their dad's wife. If she had brought them up, either because their father got custody or I was dead, then she should be called their step-mother, but not if all she did was marry their dad. Similarly, I don't expect my future husband to be called their step-father - 'mum's husband' is sufficient, hardly a mouthful.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 11/07/2011 14:30

Of course DCs are part of the package-once a person has DCs they are never single again-get them-you get the DCs.(even if you don't live with them)

exoticfruits · 11/07/2011 14:32

It really doesn't matter if it makes you cringe or not. If you look up the definition stepmother = a woman who has married your father.

NotJustKangaskhan · 11/07/2011 14:52

Yes, my strictest definition, but life is more complex than a dictionary. People define their relationships by their circumstances than they do by any rule book.

Many people refer to dead-beat dads as 'sperm donors'. Many people who have had abusive parents refer to them by first name rather than familial title. The children and adults involved define their relationships regardless of legal circumstances.

NotaDisneyMum · 11/07/2011 14:59

It doesn't refer to how much you do, whether you live with them or not or how old they are-legally you are step parent. Even if you never meet them you are step parent in the eyes of the law

It has a legal status? What? How? When? I've been under the impression that it is nothing more than a label - what is the legal definition of a step parent?

exoticfruits · 11/07/2011 15:11

A step parent doesn't have parental responsibility(unless applied for and granted) but if you marry a person with DCs you are a step parent-as a definition.

exoticfruits · 11/07/2011 15:12

In the same way that if you marry someone with a brother you get a BIL-whether it is more than a definition is up to you.

exoticfruits · 11/07/2011 15:15

In case of OP I would guess that she doesn't want her ex's wife to get close -but even though she hasn't brought them up they may have a close relationship for the next 50/60yrs or so-that is up to her DCs and the step mother.

Sapphirefling · 11/07/2011 15:30

The priorities of my childrens fathers 'girlfriend' seem to be encouraging him to reduce contact week by week in order to facilitate their cosy new life, whilst simultaneously disposing of joint assets (we are still very much legally married) to fund her new dream home, I can safely say that hell WILL have frozen over before they refer to her as any kind of 'mother' Grin
This is the man who refuses to acknowledge his fathers wife as his step mother but told the kids that they would be calling this random woman THEIR 'step mother'. Thankfully, DD put him straight...

exoticfruits · 11/07/2011 15:45

If you are not married then you can't be step mother. I would have thought that any mother would want their DCs father to have a loving new woman who put the DCs first.
If I met a man with DCs (of whatever age) I wouldn't get involved if I was just 'the father's wife', as if I didn't count. I would expect to have a lifetime's relationship-be step grandparent etc-otherwise I would steer well clear. It doesn't take anything away from the natural mother but addds a lot to the DCs.

exoticfruits · 11/07/2011 15:46

Sorry-can't be step mother to fit the definition-you can call yourself that if you want to.

Pandemoniaa · 11/07/2011 15:57

It's nonsense to suggest there are hard and fast rules on this. It's even more nonsensical to try and draw up some sort of age range above which it's unreasonable to expect to be called a step-parent.

Everything depends on the relationships - that and how much baggage remains from the previous marriages/relationships. Only while I'm not legally the stepmother to my dsd, that's what I'm referred to as although they call me by my first name. Likewise, all 5 of our combined (grown-up) children refer to each other as brother/sister/stepbrothers/stepsister. The important thing is that this was their choice, not something imposed upon them.

I now have a dgd who has 4 aunts and uncles despite, in a legal sense, only one of them actually being a blood relative - my ds1. But my stepchildren would be horrified to be relegated to some sort of non-status so far as this beloved baby is concerned.

So yes, OP. I think YABU. But then your family circumstances appear to be very different to mine.

Pandemoniaa · 11/07/2011 15:58

Having just read exoticfruit's message, I would dispute it. Of course you cannot legally be a step-parent but since when did this matter? It's how you view a relationship, that matters.

NotaDisneyMum · 11/07/2011 15:59

If you are not married then you can't be step mother.

Um, why not? What difference does my legal status have to the role I play in my DSS life? You've said that the position comes with no legal responsibilities or rights - step-parents (married or otherwise) are invisible in the eyes of the law.

Am I permitted to care about and love my partners child, or is that privilege reserved for those who have gone through a religious ceremony or legal procedure, too Confused

Pandemoniaa · 11/07/2011 16:00

Sorry, that should read "cannot legally be a step-parent if you are not married to the parent of the children you are step-parenting". But the rest of the message remains unaltered!

Pandemoniaa · 11/07/2011 16:01

Well said, NotaDisneyMum - I also resent the idea that anyone else can start decreeing the basis on which I can love my partner's children.

NotaDisneyMum · 11/07/2011 16:03

Pandemoniaa - but it isn't a legal status, is it? What difference in the eyes of the law is there between a girlfriend and a wife when it comes to her partner/husbands children?

Sparklies · 11/07/2011 16:06

Legally yes, morally - "it depends".

The woman my father married when I was 30 was legally my step mother, but she told me herself (totally sober, and during a friendlyish conversation) that she wished we - his children - didn't exist and that dad, 12 years her senior, didn't have a history or indeed any family at all. As she spent most of her time until dad died trying to drive a wedge between dad and his children (succeeding in the case of my older sister) and inherited and kept everything he owned as she discouraged him from making a will (or hid it - he'd verbally told us we'd inherit everything) she hasn't earned the right morally to be a step mum.

There is a word for her, but it's unprintable.

Whereas if she'd been welcoming to us and been as kind to us as we always were to her for dad's sake, she'd have been our step mum.

Hevian · 11/07/2011 16:09

Step mother is a horrible term IMO. Why do we feel we have to put titles on people, it only leads to problems.
One of my friends tells me she has become a grandmother. Her husband's daughter has had a baby. I don't know what her husband's first wife/daughter's mother feels about that. I don't like it.

KilledBill · 11/07/2011 16:09

YANBU - both of my parents remarried, neither of their new partners ever were, or ever would be, referred to as Step anything by me.

BakeliteBelle · 11/07/2011 16:13

It is entirely up to your children how they refer to your ex's partner. If they want to call her their step-mum then let them. DH's daughter does not call me her step-mum, she just calls me by my first name. We get on ok but I have never been a parental figure to her as I she has never lived with us and I leave the parenting to DH and his ex. Your kids might feel differently.

Pandemoniaa · 11/07/2011 16:20

I think that was my (not very clearly made!) point, NotADisneyMum. I cannot really see where the law comes into it despite, I suppose, the pedantic legalities that people assume come with a marriage certificate. But I agree, in strictly legal terms, I do not see what difference there is "in the eyes of the law".

SortingHardHat · 11/07/2011 16:40

YABU-ish

My DP inherited a step-parent 2 years ago in his late 20's. They are his parent's spouse NOT his step-parent. His justification for this being they've never parented him ergo not a step-parent.

However. DP and my ex's Mrs ARE my DC's step-parents due to being permanent fixtures in their lives. I can't abide the wicked witch step mother, but she's in my DC's lives so I have to suck it up, just as the ex doesn't like my DP and he has to suck it up.

exoticfruits · 11/07/2011 17:08

Of course you can be a step parent if you are not married-you just can't fit the definition as in the dictionary.

If the woman and the ex want her to be a permanent feature it is up to them and DCs and nothing to do with the mother.(if the DCs are older)
I went out, for a long time, with a divorced man with a DD. We didn't live together, I wouldn't have classed myself as step parent but I had a very good relationship with the DD.
My experience has taught me that I would refuse to be put in a compartment in a man's life. If he has DCs I would expect to be closely involved, able to see them at Christmas, have a grandparent role etc etc have a relationship with his DCs outside him i.e. see them on my own as friends.
If the DCs don't want it I would walk away-it isn't worth the aggro. (I would put up with an ex being difficult if the DCs were fine with me)

lateatwork · 11/07/2011 17:40

OP- but i bet you would like your partner to be a loving role model and influence over your children and to provide financial support and assistance to your children too (like a father would)... or are you suggesting that you would be happy if your new partner acted purely as your partner and not have any influence over their lives at all because he 'hadnt brought them up'? When he marries you, he takes on your children too. But it seems you dont want him to do that? Odd.

YABU- not because of the name (I wouldnt care what I was called...) but because of the sentiment behind it.

bemybebe · 11/07/2011 17:53

OP is very hurtful. I did not "raise" the four of dh's children, but I have done my best to make their life when with us (three days a weeks until some years ago when they moved to a different country) homely and fun. I guess I am not a "step-mum" despite have a great relationship with them for ten years.

Also, I can not bring myself to call myself a "mum" since I was not even allowed to touch my premature baby girl until she died aged 23 days just over a week ago.

Sad Sad Sad I should probably delete my account here and do not come to mn, since I am so close to a fraud. Seriously thinking so...