to not like the term step-mum/dad when the person has not brought up the child/ren

[springydaffs]

I don't like ex's wife being called my children's step-mother. She isn't their 'mother', step or otherwise, she is their dad's wife. If she had brought them up, either because their father got custody or I was dead, then she should be called their step-mother, but not if all she did was marry their dad. Similarly, I don't expect my future husband to be called their step-father - 'mum's husband' is sufficient, hardly a mouthful.

Going by the OP's logic then if the DC's father is non-resident he should lose the title of 'dad' as he wouldn't have custody.

I have a DSD (9) and she calls me my name when speaking to me but refers to me as step-mum to her friends. It isn't my place to make decisions about school etc. but when she is here every weekend I look after her as much as DH does. DH and I have been together since DSD was four and I love her like I do mine and DH's DC's.

I think it depends on when the new partner becomes part of the DC's life. If the DC's are adults then obviously it would be strange to refer to them as step mum/dad. But if they have been part of the DC's life since they were children then they are a step parent as they will have done things for the DC that a parent would i.e. cooking, cleaning up after them, homework etc.

A step parent doesn't take anything away from the parent WRT the DC, they enhance the DC's life by being there for them and caring about them.

YABU

When you marry someone with children, they are part of a package.

Using the term 'their Dad's wife' or 'their Mum's Husband' detaches that person from the children horribly imo.

No they're not but surely if you marry someone with children and look after them as you do your own when they are with you then you are more than just they're mum/dad's partner.

why is that so distasteful to you?

surely, if the stepmom/new wife were to take your view - "oh, those kids are nothing to do with ME, i just happen to be married to the father!" - you'd be cross about THAT.

If your partner has juvenile kids, they are part of a package. end of.

You don't get to take a share, but you sure as hell have to give some of yourself! Of course the children are part of a package. Me and my dc came together, no question about it. When dh chose to marry me, he also chose to become a step parent. One would not come without the other.

Hmm, I have not "brought up" my step-son in the sense of being his primary cater but I have had him here every weekend since he was 3 & consider him one of my children... how would I fare under your definition OP? Can see what you mean if the kids are adults & the subsequent marriages don't involve sharing a house together

Difficult one. My kids call my exes wife by her first name but sometimes refer to her as stepmum.

Although it is a technically correct term ex and wife see they children one day a fortnight (their choice) and she has no involvement whatsover in parenting decisions except on that one day. Also unbeknown to the children most of her involvement in their parenting, has been to try to get their father to reduce the amount of child support he pays and not pay his share of their school fees. She isnt much of a mum to them IMO and they dont seem to really want to go there much, but go more out of duty to their dad. I asked DS1 if he would like us to live nearer to dad and he said, 'if I am honest I'm really not that bothered'

Lots of wonderful stepmums do an awful lot for their stepkids, but there are others who see them as an inconveniece and a financial burden.

YABU It doesn't matter what age they are, they are going to have a relationship with the woman and hopefully you would want them to have a close, friendly one if you are putting them first-rather than yourself.

If a person gets married with DCs (of any age) they do not come alone and the new partner gets the DCs too. Who would want their ex to marry a woman who doesn't want to have anything to do with his DCs? (unless they were selfish and thinking of themselves)

If you're an adult when your parent remarries or makes a new partnership, then I think it is strange to call them 'step-mum or step-dad'. They are simply known by their name. Ie 'Dad and Rachel, my Dad's second wife'; or 'Mum and Steve, her partner of ten years'.. and so on.

I think in most cases (having a couple in mine and DH's extended family, would be a little embarrassed to become 'Mum or Dad' to an adult so late in life when the relationship is a friendship of equals.

Grand-children in this situation are different of course, as the relationship between 'Rachel' or 'Steve' and your children is not one of equals and probably would be a caring one.

In our family, 'Rachel' opted to be Grandma, which was ok with the two biological grandmas, and 'Steve' wanted to just be 'Steve', as he said he felt a bit weird being a third Grandad and he hadn't earned it, as he hadn't even met DH until he was mid-twenties and long moved away from home. Nevetheless, 'Steve' loves and cares for and babysits our DC as much as 'Rachel', and is a grandpa in all but name. Perhaps he wanted to wait until his own biological children (younger than DH and I) grew up and be known as granddad to the children of the children he actually is Dad to, and raised.

If my long-winded anecdote makes sense, I guess my conclusion is mostly each to their own and whatever all parties feel most comfortable with!

Oops I forgot a bracket after (having a couple in mine and DH's extended family).

My partners kids are older teenagers and I wouldnt ever expect to become their stepmum even if we all moved in together

I don't think that anyone suggests they should be called 'step mum'or 'mum' just referred to if talking about them as 'stepmother'-which is what she is legally (whether people like it or not)

Tricky isn't it?

Far to involved to actually say yes it's ok here, and no it wouldn't be ok there.

I have been in the lives of my husband's children from his first marriage for 13 years, and yes naturally during that time I have been involved in a fair bit of parenting - some parts their mother in her own words couldn't cope with and was glad at those times to have another person caring for them.

When I speak about them to people who don't already know, I refer to them as my step children. If they have friends over they say "and this is Yoshi" because it's obvious who I am within the family, but if I call them on the 'phone they'll say "that was my stepmum" - but that's their choice I've certainly never asked them to refer to me as that - that would be weird.

I have a friend whose Dad remarried at 70, she fondly refers to his new wife as her stepmum, of course she has played no part in her upbringing

If it was a fairly new partner or someone that the parent wasn't living with, then no I don't think the term 'step' should come into it (there could be a whole load more 'steps' en route if that were the case) but other than that I really don't see what the fuss is about, hardly worth getting your knickers in a twist about, it is afterall just to explain someone's position in the family IMO.

It doesn't refer to how much you do, whether you live with them or not or how old they are-legally you are step parent. Even if you never meet them you are step parent in the eyes of the law-in the same way that you are MIL-even if you detest DIL and never see her.

It's just a title given by virtue of marriage. Same as SIL or BIL. I have both. Neither are like sisters or brothers to me. I see where you're coming from but YABU.

someone says that not using "step mum" detaches that person from the children horribly. detatchment, ime, comes through behaviour not labels.

sinister - why do you say op is being unreasonable - she is talking about situations where the person in question has not brought the children up - you're clearly playing a role in bringing the children up.

fwiw my dad left to live with his partner when I was aged 13. I saw her once a week for about 4 hours. She has never parented me in any way at all. I would have been deeply offended and upset if anyone had called her my step mother. she just wasn;t.

which leads me to my final point - where children are involved the right label is the one they are happy with. I can understand that in some cases this could lead to a loving, caring step parent feeling a bit undervalued/rejected/not respected/lots of other things, but I would hope, that if I ever get together with someone who had children I'd feel able to hide that and accept with dignity the label the kids wanted me to have.

children are not a package that you get a share of through marriage. i found that post quite distasteful

Yes they are. You get to share part of their lives.

The person you marry is not a totally 'single' person if they're a parent..hence being part of a package.

i refer to my dads ex as my step mum as i lived with her for 8 years (i lived with her before my dad did actually) but his 'new' wife is my dads wife, they live in ireland so ive only met her a few times or i call her my brothers names mum

It's a difficult one. DS calls his dad's wife by her first name when he is with her but refers to her as his stepmum. That's what she is after all. He has a good relationship with her and I can tell that she loves him dearly.

However, my dad remarried when I was in my 20s. I have a distant relationship with him to say the least. The women he married is most definitely his wife and not my step mother.

I suppose what I am trying to say is it depends on the circumstances and the relationship.

I do think the ideal thing is to have as loving a relationship as you can but it is not as easy when you are an 'adult child'.

YABU. It's much easier to accuse her of being wicked if she's the "stepmother".

why do you say op is being unreasonable - she is talking about situations where the person in question has not brought the children up - you're clearly playing a role in bringing the children up.

i did not get that impression from the original post - the OP says
"If she had brought them up, either because their father got custody or I was dead, then she should be called their step-mother, but not if all she did was marry their dad."

This suggests to me that the OP is saying a woman who does anything short of fulltime custody, and in the absence of a biological mother in the kid's life - that woman is somehow NOT a stepmother. No matter that the stepmother IS playing a role in bringing the children if there is visitation, shared custody, etc.

YANBU. My husband has one of these.

It makes her slightly tricky to talk about E.g. she has a holiday home and when we stay there saying "we are off to my husband's father's partner's place" is very long-winded but she has never taken on the role of parenting him and is definitely not a step mother. She'd probably cringe if anyone called her that, tbh.