Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

AIBU to have a male friend to stay when DH is away?

477 replies

clothesoverbros · 11/07/2011 06:56

ok, background: have known this man for 20 years, never had a relationship or even any drunken fumbles when younger. I would class him as one of my very closest friends, we say each other regularly and email / chat often.

DH and he get on ok - but very different so not really friends if you see what I mean. DH is generally happier for me to see friend on my own.

He's recently lost a parent and split up with his long term girlfriend, so I'm a bit worried about him.

DH will be working away during the week, returning at weekends so I've arranged for my friend to come visit and because of the distance he'll need to stay over. We now have a young DD and so it's difficult for me to go out in the evening as I would have done pre-baby.

My DH thinks this is 'inappropriate' my response was 'how dare you tell me who I can or can't see'.

So am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
LadyClariceCannockMonty · 14/07/2011 14:53

I'm not saying anything different here, but: MOAD is not a troll.

Also, I want to point out that although the original OP was a question about having a male friend stay overnight, the conversation did broaden out a bit (as conversations tend to) and so the wider issue of whether it was OK to have opposite-sex friends after marriage/partnering up has been raised, and debated. That's not 'moving the goalposts', it's an evolving conversation.

3cutedarlings · 14/07/2011 14:54

Ignore her Lissie!! she need to get a bloody grip imo, you did answer the OP this is MN ffs we do go off fucking topic all the time, we all know youre not a troll! seriously who give a frig what anyone else thinks?

Hide this now lissie, and enjoy the rest of your day :)

Oh and in answer to the OP (cos i might get slatted for being off topic) !!! i wouldnt like this situation in the reverse, but thats just me being a possessive bitch Grin

LilRedWG · 14/07/2011 14:55

Lissie a troll? You are having a laugh! M'God, you've got the wrong person - I'd be ROFLing if it wasn't so depressing.

herbietea · 14/07/2011 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WhippedCream · 14/07/2011 14:58

OP, do you know why your friend split up with his girlfriend?

Kayzr · 14/07/2011 14:59

If MOAD/Lissie is a troll then I am Lord Lucan, Elvis, John Lennon and the Queen of Sheba all rolled into one person!!! She is the most genuine, caring, thoughtful and most un-troll like person you'll find on here or any other forum on the Internet. So give it up!!!!

MOAD/Lissie. Chin up!!! Just try to ignore it

MNHQ
SophieRMumsnet · 14/07/2011 15:00

Hello and thanks for all the reports on this thread.
We would just like to make clear that MotherofallDragons is not a troll. We fear that all the troll hunting may have been started by one of our hairy handed friends. Can we remind you of our policy of not troll hunting on the boards?

WhippedCream · 14/07/2011 15:02

anyway..........OP what are you going to do?

Having read odd bits of this thread , i sway to each side of the argument,

Pin0t · 14/07/2011 15:04

Sophie MN Has Luvvin been banned? Told off? Etc...

OneHundredPercentFucked · 14/07/2011 15:25

.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 14/07/2011 15:33

Some of these posts (not the trollfight ones - luvvin is clearly having a comprehension fail somewhere) are a very useful reminder to me how glad I am that I'm not a mundane and don't hang out with many. What a ghastly, exhausting, depressing and pointless way to live - your whole life focussed on Preventing Someone Having Sex With Other People. If you're a monogamy fetishist, find another one to shack up with and then you can, you know, get a life. Though generally, simply not being bothered about monogamy makes life much easier, happier, frees up so much more headspace for interesting things, like politics and nail varnish and charity work and arguing about which Dr Who is the best.

MotherofallDragons · 14/07/2011 15:45

Thank you sophie, and thank you everyone who has vouched for my authenticity.

begonyabampot · 14/07/2011 15:49

jesus, 2 posters have had a spat. One called the other a troll and no-one took any notice as it was obviously silly - is there really any need for everyone to pile in like kids in a playground (looks just as bad). MOAD by her past fiesty posts on this thread has been shown to be more than capable of standing up for herself.

Actually, this thread has annoyed me much more than it should as there as been a strong tone of belittling and sneering to posters who feel that the husbands feelings are not entirely unreasonable - but I doubt anyone is going to jump to my defense for my hurt feelings. I do feel that some posters took it as sport and ramped it up for effect and a laugh at other posters expense -but it is AIBU and I know what to expect and to walk away if it gets to much.

begonyabampot · 14/07/2011 15:52

Oh and to take note of said posters to take revenge on future threads, bwahahahaa!!!

MotherofallDragons · 14/07/2011 15:55

No begon, she wouldn't let it lie and kept calling me a troll, and at least one other poster agreed with her. Its out of order and much worse than anything I had posted. You obviously feel that some posters were taking the piss (and I didn't join in the pisstaking btw) that doesn't mean that personal attacks are allowed.

MotherofallDragons · 14/07/2011 15:56
begonyabampot · 14/07/2011 16:03

well she's had her kicking, can we all play nicely now - at least for a second or 2.

By god this thread has legs!

bellavita · 14/07/2011 16:29

MOAD - I hope you are ok, I know who you are and I know you are genuine x

Carminagetsprimal · 14/07/2011 17:23

SCGB; if only life was that simple - unfortunately, most people are selfish and possessive and don't really want to share the father of their children with any women who winks at him - also, most of us like the comfort and security of living in a committed loving relationship - because ime no one really gives a toss about anyone else, it's all superficial - yeah they'll give to charity and they'll say all the right things when your having a bad time - but 10 minutes later they're watching EastEnders and you're the last thing on their mind. It's brilliant to have that one special person, one person who you know will put you first and tell you you're bloody brilliant ( even though everyone else thinks you're nuts ) it's a wonderful thing. And you can still talk about politics and paint your nails - you're just doing it with someone who loves you - and only you.

NestaFiesta · 14/07/2011 17:28

Spring- What a ghastly, exhausting, depressing and pointless way to live - your whole life focussed on Preventing Someone Having Sex With Other People

Bit of an exaggeration isn't it? Some of of us just think the DH's feelings should be taken into account about a male friend staying over. My life is the opposite of ghastly, exhausting and pointless and I take exception to monogamous lives being referred to like that. I'm certainly not devoting my whole life to stopping DH having sex with someone. He currently has Depression and doesn't even want it with me right now Sad

As for you MOAD- I don't think any other poster agreed you were a troll, I agreed with Luvvin's remarks about posts being "scoffed at", not at the trolling bit as I don't really understand trolling. I don't think you're a troll by any means but I think you are feisty and I found it intimidating at times.

Begon- I agree there was a lot of belittling going on. This is the most unpleasant thread I have ever been on. I'm following PinOt to chat talk about face oils. What can possibly go wrong over there?

MotherofallDragons · 14/07/2011 18:04

I apologise if I have intimidated you. that wasnt my intention, tbh., I dont think I have been particularly feisty or bolshy, and this thread is pretty tame by most AIBU standards.

I didnt mean to belittle your feelings. dh and I have a very good relationship, with the odd insecurities, but overall we trust each other. mainly because we have to. everyone has a different tipping point. i am still friends with an ex, in the op's circs, I wouldnt even consider allowing him in the house by himself when dh wasnt there. its disrespectful. but we are still friends. my best friend, however I have known for over 30 years and we have shared a bed many times with no funny business and that makes it a different scenario imo.

I would laugh at any attempt by dh to stop me doing anything, not in the "in his face way" you seem to think it is, but a "and who are you again? when did you become my owner?" because it is ridiculous, and thats the type of relationship we have.

I am very upset about the luvvin thing. i know how these things work, and i know it turns into chinese whispers. I have been here a long time and advised/supported a lot of people, mainly in mc/conception. accusations of trollery can wipe that out very, very quickly. I love mn, I love the diversity on here. as carmina said, she and I rarely agree Grin but I still respect her opinion. and thats key imo. I really dont think I have been aggressive or belittled anyone. I didnt join in with the pisstaking, and the only time I did become quite aggressive was in response to the initial trolling accusation, I still dont know who reported it or why, but i hold my hands up there. otherwise, I have just disagreed with some other posters. thats all

NestaFiesta · 14/07/2011 18:08

MOAD- Fair enough. (proffers respectful handshake).

Malificence · 14/07/2011 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

MotherofallDragons · 14/07/2011 18:12
wallstreet · 14/07/2011 18:17

I haven't read all this but I agree with your DH. This is inappropriate. Would say exactly the same if you were away and he wanted an old female friend to stay too. Might be an old fusty but there you go.
Amused at the pro-swinging post. I'd rather stay a mundane thanks. Good answer Carmina - says it all.