AIBU to have a male friend to stay when DH is away?

[clothesoverbros]

ok, background: have known this man for 20 years, never had a relationship or even any drunken fumbles when younger. I would class him as one of my very closest friends, we say each other regularly and email / chat often.

DH and he get on ok - but very different so not really friends if you see what I mean. DH is generally happier for me to see friend on my own.

He's recently lost a parent and split up with his long term girlfriend, so I'm a bit worried about him.

DH will be working away during the week, returning at weekends so I've arranged for my friend to come visit and because of the distance he'll need to stay over. We now have a young DD and so it's difficult for me to go out in the evening as I would have done pre-baby.

My DH thinks this is 'inappropriate' my response was 'how dare you tell me who I can or can't see'.

So am I being unreasonable?

MrMan - most men would agree with you - and thankfully most women are kind hearted and sensitive enough not to upset their partner and would make other plans. My dh wouldn't last 5 minutes with some of the posters on this thread - not because he's a control freak - but because he likes a kind, tender partner - not one who would laugh in his face and tell him to get the fuck over it.
I can seriously understand why a lot of partnerships don't last.

Carmina, just as well really. Because I wouldn't last five minutes with a man who needed his ego pandered to and who felt that it was ok to impose conditions of friendships.

Look, noone is saying that they would laugh in their dh/ps face and tell them to get over it. Just that for them it wouldn't be a big deal

Mother- yes they are saying they would "laugh in his face" and "tell him to get the fuck over himself". These are direct quotes from posters on this thread.

You have to find a way to maintain your friendship & help DH. I agree with tiredfeet that it crosses a line. If you're prepared to prioritize friend over husband's insecurities then you have to ask yourself why. My Dad 'lodged' with my Mum's best friend Monday to Friday for 10 years to avoid a long drive home after work and guess what.....they'd been having an affair!! My mum 'never knew'?? Sure. Anyway gone off topic here.

Oh. See, I know that if dh tried to ban me from supporting my bf because he felt uncomfortable I would probably laugh. Right before we had the mother of all rows about it.

Wonder how op is getting on

Mother- I would never laugh at my husband's feelings and would be upset if he laughed at mine. Anyway, OP's DH is not banning her from supporting her friend, just uncomfortable about the overnight stay. The opening post states how she has often seen her friend on her own without her DH so it's not a ban from supporting/seeing him. I think the DH is just hoping she could think of another way of doing it.

why do folk seem to assume the husband is some kind of macho, terrain pissing, control freak? There has been nothing to suggest this.

begon- exactly.

Luvvin, and how is that trolling? Just bnecause I disagree with you?I've told you my usual name. You obviouslyt don't understand what a troll is and I am pretty appalled by your attitude. I will be reporting you posts as soon as I get home

Mother, I have to agree with Luvvin. I find you a bit scary and it has inhibited my posts. I also notice that you are the only poster on this thread to have had a post deleted by Mumsnet.

There's so much outrage and rhetorical questions in your posts that it can come across as aggression. I think threads are for open and honest debate, not for shooting down everyone who disagrees with you. I definitely feel less comfortable about sharing my views on this thread than I do on others.

I think that there are lots of ways this issue could be resolved. Here's one suggestion.

The friend comes to see OP during the week, daytime. They go out for lunch or take a picnic to a park or whatever, and take the baby with them. The friend travels home the same day. This means that OP sees her friend and supports him, they don't need a babysitter, the DH keeps his week-ends and doesn't have to see the friend, and there is no overnight stay. It's perfectly possible, I've known people drive 200 miles to see a football match and return the same day.

I'm not sure why I'm bothering to post, as the OP hasn't been on this thread since Monday, and I doubt she will read it.

I think its fine. My dp and I have lots of opposite sex friends and being mates with someone and wanting to sleep with them are not the same!

She isn't trolling. Look up what trolling means. She has told you her usual posting name. She might disagree with you, and do so quite strongly, but throwing accusations of trolling around really weakens your point.

The fact is that for some of us friendship has a higher priority than for others. It's quite simple. Similarly with the Sanctity Of The Home. I am deeply partial to my house - I spend all day in it, fwiw - but I don't feel about it the way that the cat does, for instance.

For the record, I am mostly rather nice to my partner.

Girlywhirly - I don't think the op ever came back ( not sure why? ) so it's really been more of a general discussion over scenarios involving partners and friends of the opposite sex.
It's been a real eye opener for me tbh. I'm not a prude or easily controlled, but I've found the attitudes of some quite shocking. And the smugness has been amazing! how can anyone say they'd never so much as kiss anyone else - & also know 100% that their partner wouldn't? - I know I'll never rob a bank or be leader of the Labour party - but I could never say I wouldn't do something I shouldn't with another man - especially one who's staying the night at my house. Someone asked if the only thing stopping me from being unfaithful was lack of opportunity? - no of course it isn't - If I wanted extra marital sex I could walk into any pub tonight and get it. Most affairs happen between people who know each other, either socially or through work. And how anyone can deny that there isn't even the remotest possibility that something could happen between 'very good friends' - well, they're really just kidding themselves.

MOAD trolling? - no, she's just got strong opinions the other way - and that's healthy debate imo.

Right! STOP! MOAD is not trolling and you are sounding like an idiot for saying it.

Trolling is an offensive allegation and you should apologise for using an inflammatory term incorrectly and repeatedly.

If you don't agree with MOAD that's tip top fine, but you CANNOT fling about accusations of trolling like this.

It's not on! Have reported to MNHQ.

Wah! It's all gone scary!

Look, I'm not entirely sure what trolling is. I would not accuse someone of doing this unless I knew what I was talking about which I don't.

However, there has been some perceived aggression and "scoffing" at views on here which I have found unpleasant. We also seem to have wandered away from the point of OP's DH being uncomfortable by male friend staying for a few days overnight.

It has become about control freakery and DHs being territorial and couples not being allowed to have opp sex friends, Jane Austen showed up, people are laughing in faces and it's all turned into a riot.

It's clear that some couples would have no beef with opp sex friends staying over in their absence and some couples wouldn't like it.

That's about it really. It's obviously divisive and there's no need to get so confrontational. (I know this is Mumsnet, but this is one of the scariest threads I have ever been on and I've been here nearly two years).

Scoffing is fine, Nesta - this is in AIBU after all.

Calling someone a troll repeatedly is not fine. (Not that you have)

I've watched this thread and it is bullish and argumentative and I'm not commenting to defend one persons POV over anothers. I am simply stating that accusations of trollery are not acceptable and very hurtful.

Carmina, perhaps she didn't like what she was reading, in that it is not telling her what she wanted to hear.

I hope she won't do something that she comes to regret in the future.

PinOt- scoffing really upsets me unless its a Wagon Wheel. (licking fingers, hiding wrapper). I might spend more time on chat too. I feel a bit shaky.

I thought this thread was pretty tame tbh - I've genuinely LOL at some posts - the bohemians are hilarious. I think I love them.

Nesta I'm on a thread about oil cleansing on S&B too - it's a revelation! Oils for your skin! Think I live in a hole, I had no knowledge of this phenomenonenonenon...

right, I am not a troll. a troll posts lies and stirs up trouble for their own gain. I have done neither. I may have had a post deleted (dont know which one, need to check) it will be because someone has reported it and got it deleted. it was probably the "fuck the fuck off" comment. which was a response to an accusation of trolling. pretty tame imo. I didnt call luvvin a cunt for her vile and unfair accusations.

I have disagreed and stated that I would be offended if dh didnt trust me, and that at some point you have to say "I cant stop you cheating on me, I have to accept that you might. but you are in control of your own actions." that is all. I have not scoffed, and even if I had, that doe not constitute trolling.

my usual name is lissielou. I nced in honour of a book coming out. I have also been theladyofthegreenkirtle and queenoftheslatterns. I have been here 6y, and am a prolific poster. I post a lot on the mc/conception boards, butr also on chat. I used to run a thread called lissies tea shop.

I am really, really upset about this.

if you think I am a troll, you can fuck right off. I have not been aggressive (apart from FTFO post), I have debated. and if you dont like it, I suggest that mn is not the place for you. agree with pinot, this thread is tame. but your accusations are not.