Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to expect to sit with my husband at the top table at my stepsons wedding ??

412 replies

madmn52 · 09/07/2011 21:58

Message from MNHQ: AWOOOOGA!! This thread has recently been reactivated but please be aware that it was started YEARS AND YEARS ago.

I dont know where I will be sat but certain things have been said that imply that I may not be and his ex-wife - the grooms mum will be. I have asked and asked my DH to ask about my seating arrangement and as usual he is avoiding it - as I think he knows I will kick off if I am sat at one of the lower troughs at the back of the room. My point is that while I accept fully that the grooms mum should be at the top table - I think as my DH will be sat there then so should I and exWs partner for that matter - I am not sure on the etiquette here but I wouldnt have thought a DH and his wife should be separated. The wedding is at end of September and I just wish my DH would ask then I will know if I have anything to be worried about. I just think leaving it to chance is asking for problems /atmosphere on the day. Not that I would spoil their big day - definitely not but I wouldnt be happy put it that way. My DH doesnt want me to ask - he wants me to leave it to him in case any of you were going to suggest I just ask myself.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/09/2017 13:10

So if I've understood correctly:

Your DH and SS fell out and stopped speaking over the bride to be
SS tells folk he doesn't know how you put up with DH
DH is very unhappy about the possibility of you being "demoted" seating-wise
But he doesn't want to ask where you're being seated and doesn't want you to ask either

TBH it all sounds a bit odd with the potential to kick off, but it's really that last one which surprises me most ... why wouldn't he want to just find out once and for all and bring an end to the angst?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/09/2017 13:12

ZOMBIE THREAD FROM 6 YEARS AGO PEOPLE!!

DUUUHHHHH!!!!! Blush Blush

HiJenny35 · 26/09/2017 13:16

Yabu. You're not his mum, mum and dad sit on top table, it's not sons fault they split. However, saying that, i wouldn't want to sit without my oh for ages, at a recent wedding my oh was on the top table, he stayed there for the speeches but came to sit with me and the girls for the meal.

Frazzled2207 · 26/09/2017 13:16

Your dh is being unreasonable and you are too, a bit. It's up to your dss and fiance to sort, we found it a nightmare sorting the tableplan with all the divorcees and new partners etc but we did the best we could. On our top table we had bridesmaids but not their husbands who were moved to the "friends" table next door and were perfectly happy I think.

Rachie1973 · 26/09/2017 13:17

We know Puzzled............ however, we're replying to Dove who posted earlier and is upset.

I assume that's ok with you?

Taxminion · 26/09/2017 13:20

At my stepsisters wedding, her Dad, her stepmother (my mum), her Mum and her stepfather all sat with the grooms parents in the top table. My mum would not have gone otherwise.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 26/09/2017 13:23

Rachie1973 genuine apologies if that came over wrong; the "duuuhhh" was meant to be against myself for not noticing the thread was old, rather than aimed at anyone else

It looks as if I should have made that clearer, though ...

Knittedfairy · 26/09/2017 13:23

As said, the top table is for the parents of the bride and groom and other members of the wedding party, I doubt there would be enough space for all the partners to sit there too. The bride and groom want you to be there; yep, even the people at the 'lower troughs in the back of the room' will be there as the happy couple want them to share their day... If you can't put up with that for a couple of hours without 'kicking off' (really?) perhaps you should stay at home...

Dove55 · 26/09/2017 13:26

Thank you for your kind words “Puzzled and pissed off” as a new user and not familiar with how to use the site I joined an old thread currently trying to work out how to cut and paste at the moment as another user suggested to open a new thread

Rachie1973 · 26/09/2017 13:28

Not a problem Puzzled x

EmmaJR1 · 26/09/2017 13:29

Hi at my wedding last year I had my mum and her partner, my dad and his wife and my DH parents. Sod tradition, I wanted everyone to be comfortable,

WatchingFromTheWings · 26/09/2017 13:30

YABU

I just think leaving it to chance is asking for problems /atmosphere on the day

There won’t be any problems or atmosphere if you don’t cause any. Just sit where the plan says.

it’s just its a big day for him (my DH)

It’s not his big day though, is it?

WatchingFromTheWings · 26/09/2017 13:32

Ffs, Zombie thread.

NC4now · 26/09/2017 13:33

We had both our mums and stepdads on the top table but neither of our dads were there (mine died, his was NC at the time).

IMO if you are close enough to be on the top table you should be able to ask your stepson yourself.

I don't think it's fair to kick off if it doesn't suit you though. I know it's a status thing to you but don't put pressure on the B&G. Is it really worth a load of upset and probably resentment over where you sit for dinner?

Valentine2 · 26/09/2017 13:34

YABU traditionally the grooms mother sits with the brides father and the brides mother with the grooms father

^ this.

BishopBrennansArse · 26/09/2017 13:38

.

usernamealreadytaken · 26/09/2017 13:40

At DSD's wedding three years ago, top table was B&G with their attendants, then there were two family tables with bride's DM and groom's DM and maternal GPs, and a second with bride's DF (my DH) and I with our DCs, groom's DF and his DW and paternal GM. Worked well, as the exes don't get on particularly well on either side! We did something similar at our own wedding 20-odd years ago too, so not a new thing!

dinosaursandtea · 26/09/2017 13:43

Dove, it wasn't your wedding - why does it matter where you sat? Of course you wouldn't be up with his actual parents! It's not rude, it's just that you're actually not his priority!

LuluJakey1 · 26/09/2017 13:47

Bishop If the bride has seen what you are wearing, that is likely to be why you aren't at the top table. Hardly very 'step-mother of the bride'. I would re-think your outfit.

Dove55 · 26/09/2017 13:55

Knitted fairy ... I love my stepson dearly and have since he came into my life it would be unthinkable for me not to have attended his wedding
I did not and do not expect to be treated as special but if you would kindly read my post again all I expect is to be treated with respect.
It was an intimate wedding of 34 guests performed in a small room in a hotel with 5 rows of 4 seats.on each side
When we entered the room which was nearly full and walked towards our son, he approached us and in a loud voice said “Dad you sit at the front with mum “and when asked where I should sit was told “anywhere you can find a seat but not at the front” .I had no option but to sit at the back row though several of his friends did offer me a seat.
I was asked rather impolitely to wait in the bar whilst my husband and the wedding party had their photos taken, I had to ask if it would be possible to have one with the bride and groom
There was no top table as such ..only one large long table where I was seated at the furthermost point from the wedding party with a group of his friends. On seeing this my husband came over and asked everyone to move up one so that he could sit with me.
I have never and never will seek equal status with my stepsons mother it was his day and as such he has every right to have what he wants what has upset me is the way he handled it on the day I thought we had a relationship that would have allowed him to let me know his wishes in advance instead of embarrassing me on the day.

usernamealreadytaken · 26/09/2017 13:56

Sorry, now spotted this is ZOMBIE!!!

IckleWicklePumperNickle · 26/09/2017 13:56

Due to my husbands parents being bitterly divorced for many years when we got married. There was no top table and no seating plan. Everyone loved it, including us. We just floated about.

IckleWicklePumperNickle · 26/09/2017 13:56

FFS a zombie grrr!!!!

BishopBrennansArse · 26/09/2017 14:02

.

Tainbri · 26/09/2017 14:09

I think it's fair enough that you'd want to know where you'd be sitting and who with. It's the bride and grooms day so I guess a lot will depend on how everyone gets on! My DH's parents are split up and the hate between the mother and step mother is enormous and I was so worried before hand that there would be a fight we had a stand up reception and finger food instead of a sit down meal so people could move about! i would have e expected his step mother to take the back seat though, which she did. She didn't sit with FIL at the church, but we did make sure she had some of her close friends there with her and she was with FIL at the reception. I think you should be prepared that you won't be sitting on the top table unless you're all very cosy happy families.