to expect to sit with my husband at the top table at my stepsons wedding ??

[madmn52]

Message from MNHQ: AWOOOOGA!! This thread has recently been reactivated but please be aware that it was started YEARS AND YEARS ago.

I dont know where I will be sat but certain things have been said that imply that I may not be and his ex-wife - the grooms mum will be. I have asked and asked my DH to ask about my seating arrangement and as usual he is avoiding it - as I think he knows I will kick off if I am sat at one of the lower troughs at the back of the room. My point is that while I accept fully that the grooms mum should be at the top table - I think as my DH will be sat there then so should I and exWs partner for that matter - I am not sure on the etiquette here but I wouldnt have thought a DH and his wife should be separated. The wedding is at end of September and I just wish my DH would ask then I will know if I have anything to be worried about. I just think leaving it to chance is asking for problems /atmosphere on the day. Not that I would spoil their big day - definitely not but I wouldnt be happy put it that way. My DH doesnt want me to ask - he wants me to leave it to him in case any of you were going to suggest I just ask myself.

Oh and my children have a step parent by the way, my DP but come their wedding day I am sure he will not be bitching about where he is sitting.
A step parent no matter how lovely or involved is not a parent when it comes to these things

herhissyness - thank you for your thoughtful reply. I apologise for calling you ignorant. Think you hit a nerve, step parents often get a rough deal on here.

s'alright tralala

Originalfab - there would only be a very likely argument between my DH and his son - involving his exw if I was 'sat behind a pillar by the loos' as someone else put it. My DH is quite resigned to us being sat seperately (i.e. because second wifes/husbands/partners of bride and grooms parents dont etiquettly sit at top table) after I told him thats common consensus about it - so it wouldnt be personal to me. Also he now knows he wont be sat next to his exw (under usual etiquette again) which was another part of the whole thing that pissed him off - so he is quite ok with this ' me not sat with him ' thing now.

He truly didnt deserve his son not to speak to him for three months - trust me on that one. It was a family row not caused or instigated by my DH (or myself) in any way shape or form in which his son was misguidedly (imo) defending his fiancee (the bride to be obviously). Really just same as my DH is/would be defending his wife now (also misguidedly in a lot of your views).

Sorry Originalfab - meant to say the main reason for that post was that you asked why would my SS kick off if he and his fiancee decided I wasnt sat there. He wouldnt but wuold be involved rather.

God I hope this couple elopes to Vegas QUICK.

This thread has reminded me it's time to start the brainwashing with the DDs - no princess fairy tale wedding fantasies, top tables, expensive brides maid dresses and hen weekends, limos, a list and b list evening 'dos' etc.

Up with the laid back garden style and lots of booze.

Need to get on with it though as the six year old is already musing....

Ironically Harriett - I and my DH both hate all the etiquette stuff and pomp and ceremony and attention so much that we just 'did one' and grabbed two witnesses. We later would only agree to have a mention at a family party in honour of another family member as neither of us wanted to be the centre of attention and have our own - would rather just enjoy ourselves/prop the bar up etc. Doesnt really fit in with my portrayal by some on here as attention seeking/self important/insecure etc etc but hey what do I know about us

Seating arrangements are hell to come up with. I probably offended my parents, but it was impossible not to - our top table was for 8 and I chose not to have any of my parents on my table rather than pick and choose, since my mother was there with her new partner, my step father of 17 years was there and my biological sperm donor and wicked step mother too.. I chose my grandparents to represent my parents instead, seating each set of parents on different tables in the same row... In fact if I remember rightly, I didnt even seat evil step witch with Dad at all - since all his family were there I added him to their table, and put her with some other people I thought she would get on well with.

Does your future step daughter in law like you? If so she will make sure to pick a table you will be comfortable on and enjoy the celebration, and if that isn't the top table, be respectful that they are trying to avoid awkwardness and not doing it to deliberately offend.

I even got my Granddad to give me away because I didn't want to offend my real father by hacving my step father who raised me do it, but didn't feel strongly enough about bio father to let him have that honour. Of course I offended both of them instead, but I still don't regret my choice as it was right for me...

LOL at FSM

I don't see why should need to do any 'worrying' at all. Just assume you will not be on the top table, then you have nothing to get concerned about. You will manage for an hour or so, and they will think so much more of you if you cause no fuss whatsoever. Let them do things their way. To avoid all of this I invited none of my family at all to my wedding.

Come on cut the OP some slack here. She has already said that she doesn't have a knowledge of English wedding etiquette and the splitting up of the bride's and groom 's parents.

I do have to amdit being mightily relieved when dh was best man at a wedding the bride and groom decided not to have top tables seeing as I had a 6 month old baby and 2 year old dd with me!

Does your future step daughter in law like you?

I doubt it, on the basis of this snippet:

"It was a family row not caused or instigated by my DH (or myself) in any way shape or form in which his son was misguidedly (imo) defending his fiancee (the bride to be obviously)"

No Nutters it doesnt really tell anything of the sort - the argument wasnt between me and the bride to be. Most people in the family took the view that 'love is blind' and thats why my ss did blindly defend her - even to point of not speaking to his dad for months. That just really shows that she did something that some family members werent happy about inc. my DH and that my ss was defending her. It doesnt really tell anything about my relationship with her. We actually do get on well.

Well, you said 'misguidedly', so you clearly don't like her, ir disapprove of her, or something negative anyway - so it wouldn't be unlikely that the feeling is mutual.

And don't call me Nutters. Posts have been deleted for ythis kind of disparagement. I thank you.

I've never been at one where it was anyone other that the parents at the top table and the step parents would sit elsewhere. I really don't think it's reasonable to "kick off" as you put it if you are in the troughs. In the whole great scheme of things, it doesn't matter and be happy to be there. After the meal, everyone sits where they like anyway.

sorry - Natters - and no sorry I dont clearly dislike or disapprove of her - I simply along with the rest of the family disagreed on one occasion with something she did/said.

Thank you MinesaGand. Will do. Mind you on here I may even get blamed for the weather .

My DH would not have his step-mum at top table. She was the OW, who his dad went off with, and although it was a long time ago (DH was 3 years old), he wouldnt have her on the same table as his darling mother. His mum has never remarried.

Saying that his dad was not on top table either, DH is closer to his mum, and wanted her to have pride of place, without being upset by ex. So husband and wife were sat next to each other. We didnt have a speach from grooms father.

I'm not saying your the OW, but perhaps he is being sensitive to his mothers feelings.

On the top table we had B&G, my parents, his parents, two bridesmaids, the best man & his DP - 10. Both bridesmaids had partners but we sat them on other tables, near to the front, with other people they knew. I did ring them to see if they minded first though. One of my bridesmaids did a really good speech, too.

why can't you just grow up - it doesn't matter where you sit

I dont know really Oohlala - but I definitely wasnt the OW it was my DHs Exw who ran off with another man and they divorced long before I came on th scene. But you may have a point as its not clear if her partner is coming or possibly even invited. No-one has asked really - theres another thread there somewhere but I wouldnt be insane enough to start it!

Mollymole - in the grand scheme of things and to preserve life as we know it - no it doesnt really matter. Thats why I am posting on Mumsnet - a chat forum and not phoning the Samaritans or dialling 999 ! There are 322 posts on this thread so it matters enough one way or another to a lot of people and indeed to you.

Maybe I can add to the discussion,I have been with my hubby for 26 years and welcomed my stepson into my life when he was aged 2 we married with me knowing full well that I had responsibilities to this child.he stayed with us every weekend had his own room ,went on family holidays until aged 18 ,we bought him his first car gave him the deposit for his first house (he was born into a previous relationship my husband had and they were never married)my husband had little or no contact with his mother in all these years other than a financial contribution to his upbringing.
He was married on Saturday at a small intimate wedding ,he stayed with us the night before the wedding I even bought all his favourite food from when he stayed with us and he laughed and joked all night he left from our house for the wedding , his sister our daughter organised the event ,then
As we walked into the ceremony he met us in the aisle and loudly said in front of around 40 seated guest “Dad you sit in the front beside my mum” when I asked where do you want me to sit he said “anywhere you like except the front row “I simply said thank you my husband turned to join me but I said no it’s fine I’ll sit at the back with my daughter
On leaving the room in the hotel to have pictures taken he again called over to his dad and asked him to stay with the bridal party and instructed me to “go wait to the bar”
I kept on a false smile,some of his friends came over and asked if I was okay and that his behaviour was horrible.
Before you comment about my husband being unfeeling I was the one who told him to do as was asked because this was his sons day.
Fortunately there was no top table but he did manage to put me away at the end of a long table in the middle of a group of his friends with his mum next to his Dad, my hubby asked everyone to move up one and sat beside me thankfully or the triple insult would have been just to much
We left as soon as the meal was over with my husband refusing to deliver his pre planned speech and after the formalities had ended
I did not expect to sit in the front row that is where his mother should have been but I do expect to sit with my husband. I would have thought he could have said to us the night before what he wanted to do without the need to publically humiliate me in front of his guests
I’ve now had 3 days to try and put some perspective on the events I am really struggling to get over the hurt I am feeling.
As I write this I’ve just had a text asking if we are around later as he wants to pop over and pick up the money he asked for as a wedding present,I have just burst into tears ,I’ve no more words.

Zombie thread...happy couple in question are statistically likely to be divorced by now 😂

You're adding to a discussion that ended 6 years ago. You'd probably be better starting your own thread if you want replies as most people will either answer the OP or realise it's a Zombie thread and not bother replying at all.