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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to expect to sit with my husband at the top table at my stepsons wedding ??

412 replies

madmn52 · 09/07/2011 21:58

Message from MNHQ: AWOOOOGA!! This thread has recently been reactivated but please be aware that it was started YEARS AND YEARS ago.

I dont know where I will be sat but certain things have been said that imply that I may not be and his ex-wife - the grooms mum will be. I have asked and asked my DH to ask about my seating arrangement and as usual he is avoiding it - as I think he knows I will kick off if I am sat at one of the lower troughs at the back of the room. My point is that while I accept fully that the grooms mum should be at the top table - I think as my DH will be sat there then so should I and exWs partner for that matter - I am not sure on the etiquette here but I wouldnt have thought a DH and his wife should be separated. The wedding is at end of September and I just wish my DH would ask then I will know if I have anything to be worried about. I just think leaving it to chance is asking for problems /atmosphere on the day. Not that I would spoil their big day - definitely not but I wouldnt be happy put it that way. My DH doesnt want me to ask - he wants me to leave it to him in case any of you were going to suggest I just ask myself.

OP posts:
HeyManIJustWantSomeMuesli · 26/09/2017 11:23

I think it depends a bit on how traditional the top table is. Do the best man/chief bridesmaid have plus1s/partners/spouses of so and they are at the top table then probably you would be too. If it's purely bridal party then you'd expect to be at another table I think.

LuluJakey1 · 26/09/2017 11:23

I hope you will tell him to fuck off Dove. What a horrible way to treat you Flowers

What has your DH in mind to say to him?

HeyManIJustWantSomeMuesli · 26/09/2017 11:23

Bollocks - assume this has been resolved by now!

elevenclips · 26/09/2017 11:24

Honestly op, I would just "put up and shut up" for the purposes of this one day. This goes for you, your dh and anyone else in the family. Let them have their day as they want it - it may not even be as ideal as they "want it" due to the difficult dynamics in play. They'll have to make the best of a messy situation and the best thing you and your dh can do is to go along with it and don't comment on the seating.

Ok it isn't usual to split husband and wife guests if they are just guests but you aren't "just guests". Your dh is father of groom.

Just get through it and hope they have a nice day.

Mittens1969 · 26/09/2017 11:31

Sorry, YABU from me as well. And just don't kick off about it! I spent ages worrying over the seating plan when I got married, but at least I was allowed to decide! (My DH wasn't bothered!)

Viviennemary · 26/09/2017 11:32

Protocol states it's the parents of the bride and groom who sit at the top table. Just go along with it and don't make a scene. Or if you feel strongly don't go.

Nuttynoo · 26/09/2017 11:33

@Dove55 - Sounds like he only wants to treat you like family when it suits him. Strongly suggest you text your ss and tell him to go to his dad for the money as you clearly aren’t family to him.

rightnowimpissed · 26/09/2017 11:34

Usually the parents are sat mixed, ie grooms mum and brides dad together and grooms dad and brides mum together.

If his mother is there then she should absolutely be at the top table and you should not expect to be sitting up there your not part of the bridal party, your just another guest.

Clovertoast · 26/09/2017 11:37

ZOMBIE THREAD !! Stop commenting the wedding was bloody ages ago.

Mittens1969 · 26/09/2017 11:49

Yes I've just realised that, silly me! It would be nice to know what happened though. :)

ineedwine99 · 26/09/2017 11:50

Can't help OP, at my wedding my mum and dad where at the top table and my stepmum and stepdad at other tables with their kids

shoeaddict83 · 26/09/2017 11:54

ZOMBIE THREAD FROM 6 YEARS AGO PEOPLE!! Im sure the top table issue is fully resolved by now!!!

maddiemookins16mum · 26/09/2017 12:00

YAB somewhat U. It's his mum and dad on the top table I'm afraid, however, If it was me I'd at least hope (expect 😊) to get a good seat on one of the other good ones (like table one with other very close family members).

maddiemookins16mum · 26/09/2017 12:00

Grrrr 😳😳😳😳

Fabellini · 26/09/2017 12:08

Speaking as a step parent, I don't expect to be at the top table when either of sdds get married.
There are enough of our family friends that I know would be invited, that I wouldn't have to worry about feeling abandoned - and it would only be for the meal part anyway.
Eldest dd and I did have a chat about it a while back in quite an abstract way - possibly because her dm got married again and both grandparents are divorced and remarried, which caused her dm a bit of difficulty Confused - the conclusion we reached was that mum and dad would both be on top table, separated by bride, groom, best man, and chief bridesmaid. They'd be partnered up with (hypothetical) grooms parents.....unless of course they're divorced too, in which case I'll give them money to elope and save us all the stress Grin

Whinesalot · 26/09/2017 12:12

dove cut and paste this on a new thread. People aren't reaching your post but commenting on the original thread.

kissmethere · 26/09/2017 12:15

Dove55 you poor thing what a horrible experience. However this is a zombie thread. I'd start your own thread given what you've said here Flowers

Allthebestnamesareused · 26/09/2017 12:26

Dove55 - as people have mentiuoned as this is an old thread people are commenting on the original post.

Your own situation is pretty terrible and i think you did really well to hold it together on the day and I am glad that your DH was sensible enough to suggest the shifting around during the meal.

I think sometimes though in the "etiquette of wedding day" it kind of gets lost that (as in your situation) you have been there so much for your step child since such a young age and it just becomes Grooms Mum,. Grooms Dad etc.

We actually had both parents ex partners on our official top table and both step parents are called Nanny or Grandad or Grandma even if they are step-gps, we don't say Nanny Sue or Grandad Bob - everyone is just a grandparent now.

I think see how your SS behaves when he comes to collect his "cash". It may be simpler to let it go or you may feel it appropriate to say you felt excluded from a family that you had made him part of for so many years.

What has DH said about it? Perhaps he could have a chat about his disappointment that you were made to feel excluded and uncomfortable at a family event when you are very much part of the family.

Rachie1973 · 26/09/2017 12:43

My husband just asked to be sat with me at my SDs wedding, if not on the top table, then elsewhere. I don't know how they arranged it but we ended up with a really big top table with all steps etc included.

Then, we all get on well so maybe that's why.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 26/09/2017 12:45

I don't think bridesmaids are always at the top table, especially if there are several of them. And if the bride and groom have children. By the time you have bride, groom, best man, bride's parents, groom's parents and a couple of children, that's enough.

Honestly, I think as a step mother you have to take a step back here. This is your husband's son, but he also has a mother and they were the ones who brought him into the world before his father met you.

Rachie1973 · 26/09/2017 12:47

Awwww Dove :( what a horrible experience xxx

Ethereall · 26/09/2017 12:50

Yabu. My husband who is step dad to my three daughters did not sit with me at any of their weddings. He was perfectly ok with this.

LagunaBubbles · 26/09/2017 13:05

ZOMBIE!!!!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 26/09/2017 13:07

Meh . I think it's really mean actually

Fucking weddings

Aeroflotgirl · 26/09/2017 13:09

Yabvu, usually the bride and grooms parents are at top table, but I would expect to be near the top table, and not stuck at the back, that would be a huge insult and would tell you where you stand with the groom.

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