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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to expect to sit with my husband at the top table at my stepsons wedding ??

412 replies

madmn52 · 09/07/2011 21:58

Message from MNHQ: AWOOOOGA!! This thread has recently been reactivated but please be aware that it was started YEARS AND YEARS ago.

I dont know where I will be sat but certain things have been said that imply that I may not be and his ex-wife - the grooms mum will be. I have asked and asked my DH to ask about my seating arrangement and as usual he is avoiding it - as I think he knows I will kick off if I am sat at one of the lower troughs at the back of the room. My point is that while I accept fully that the grooms mum should be at the top table - I think as my DH will be sat there then so should I and exWs partner for that matter - I am not sure on the etiquette here but I wouldnt have thought a DH and his wife should be separated. The wedding is at end of September and I just wish my DH would ask then I will know if I have anything to be worried about. I just think leaving it to chance is asking for problems /atmosphere on the day. Not that I would spoil their big day - definitely not but I wouldnt be happy put it that way. My DH doesnt want me to ask - he wants me to leave it to him in case any of you were going to suggest I just ask myself.

OP posts:
slovenlydotcom · 10/07/2011 21:51

and I have reported your post

Gooseberrybushes · 10/07/2011 22:06

"sounds as though she's off her rocker"

is really very insulting

Animation · 10/07/2011 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

slovenlydotcom · 10/07/2011 22:25

seriously animation, who are you? unless I have missed something you have not posted before page 11 of this thread, I assume you are an alias of someone who has posted before? but I am not psychic

InTheNightKitchen · 10/07/2011 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slovenlydotcom · 10/07/2011 22:28

apologies animation, you did post, but seriously, why on earth would I think you had reported my posts?

Gooseberrybushes · 10/07/2011 22:28

"""""To put a quote from someone in inverted commas and then add the sentence "this sounds a bit unhinged" is reasonable isn't it?""""

I don't think so, for what it's worth, and I think women in their thirties and forties should be able to express themselves without resorting to it

however it would make everything a bit duller let's face it

still it's rather unkind

slovenlydotcom · 10/07/2011 22:28

InTheNightKitchen; I am SURE you can not say that Grin

edam · 10/07/2011 22:30

at my wedding, my ex-stepmother raced to the top table. Only to end up sitting all alone. I completely forgot we had one - it was a buffet with no seating plan but I'd been persuaded into having a top table. Only on the day, I just saw my beloved Godmother and planted myself down beside her, so the rest of my family sat on the tables around us, leaving pushy ex-stepmother looking a bit daft. Grin

Ex-stepmother did somehow manoeuvre her way into the bridal car as we left on our honeymoon, though... (My Dad was very kindly driving us and stepmother insisted he had to give her a lift.)

MsAnnThroppy · 10/07/2011 22:57

Stepmotherzilla: 1

Happy couple: 0

ChaoticAngelofGryffindor · 10/07/2011 23:01

edam I'd have loved to have been a fly on the wall at your wedding so I could have seen her face Grin

tranquilgardens · 10/07/2011 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

biscuitmad · 10/07/2011 23:35

The top table at a wedding should be bridemaids, unless they are too young to behave at the top table. Bride's mum and dad, Groom's mum and dad.

Then the two top tables have immediate family. As a step parent you would be assigned to one of these tables. However if you dont get on with your ss then he would rightly stick you were he wont be able to see you.

I think your over reacting a dinner only lasts for about 1 1/2 to 2 hours and then you all get up and move.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 11/07/2011 00:27

It's a bit interesting that you are not only fretting about being on the top table, but convinced you will either be on the top table or in the corridor by the bogs.This suggests that you (and your H) are massively insecure about status and perceived status and should grow the fuck up.
Honestly, the only option that allows you any dignity is to turn up, be nice, and stop making a fuss when the wedding is really, simply, honestly NOT ABOUT YOU.

crazykat · 11/07/2011 12:28

i think it's up to the bride and groom who they have at the top table or even if they had one. however it would be a bit off to have one step parent and not the other regardless if one step parent was more of a parent than the biological parent.

not that i was pissed at having to have DH's father and step mother (who i've met five times in as many years) at top table just to save arguments or anything.

Original poster
madmn52 · 11/07/2011 16:20

Just for the record I have asked for one post to be deleted earlier on in the thread. So I have not spat out my dummy. The post was just abusive for its own sake really. Mumsnet emailed me to confirm they had deleted it and agreed it was abusive and went on to say they had also deleted some more posts on the thread which they deemed as in breach of their guidelines. I do not mind people telling it as it is nor do I expect everyone to be nice to me but if I can remain civil throughout the thread in the face of all the insults and untruths and name-calling I have had thrown at me then in fairness I should be afforded same in return.

OP posts:
sausagesandmarmelade · 11/07/2011 16:34

Don't worry madmm....

People will always jump to conclusions on here it seems.

Don't quite know why some of my posts were deleted...other than that they maybe quoted other's comments (which had also been deleted).

Whatever.....I'm beyond caring! Smile

Animation · 11/07/2011 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

TheOriginalFAB · 11/07/2011 19:45

"Yes I do realize I wouldn't be sat next to my DH - I just wanted to know whether I will be sat at the same table as I am very worried about the trouble it will cause ( not by me - when I said kick off btw - I did not mean at the wedding - no way would I do that ) mainly between my DH and his ex/w and son."

If your ss chooses not to seat you at the top table, with input from his fiancee, why would he then kick off? If your husband gets annoyed with his son because he/they have chosen not to seat you at the top table, then he deserves his son not talking to him for months.

slovenlydotcom · 11/07/2011 20:34

Animation - your last post is factually incorrect

tralalala · 11/07/2011 20:52

Hishissyness you said ''TBH, as a step parent, it's an honour to be invited at all. You don't need to be there, you are a guest.''

god that is depressing. So for the last 10 years I have loved my lovely dss, I've played with him and loved him, held him in the night when he's been poorly, helped him with his homework and speech therapy, found him a job, wiped his nose, his tears and his bum, given him words of advice and told him off, picked up and dropped him off, made sure he is safe and felt loved, made a huge effort with his mum so we are now friends, and on and on

and yet it will be an honour to be invited to his wedding. I would be gutted if he didn't come to his wedding should he have one, just as I would be gutted if my child didnt invite my stepsons mum. You have a very ignorant view of step-parents, some of us are loved very much.

In fact I could almost guarante that all four of his parents would either be on the top table, or me and his step dad would be merrily looking after our grand children and no one would be getting upset, but we would all be there with a tear in our eye.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 11/07/2011 21:09

Don't think it is the rule that because a DH is on top table his wife has to be. My DH was bestman at his bros wedding, he was on the top table I was on a "family table" - granted it was the one nearest the top table.

Why is it so important to be on the Top Table?

TalkinPeace2 · 11/07/2011 21:14

Make all the tables round and put the bride and groom at the centre table with their friends and the important family members as the heads of each of the other tables
problem solved
and bollocks to tradition

HerHissyness · 11/07/2011 21:20

tralala: Sadly it may be depressing, but it is absolutely true. OP is not related to the groom or the bride, so therefore is not a shoe-in.

Don't call my view ignorant, it is not. It is looking at the actual facts of the situation, removing all emotion and saying it how it is.

I am not commenting at all on how much or little a step parent is or is not loved. Quite clearly the only real familial connection to the groom is via the parent they are now married to.

Simply, the parents of the bride and groom have roles, responsibilities that are traditional in a wedding, there is a traditional way of doing everything, venues also can dictate how plans are made. STEP-Parents don't have these roles, they are invited because of who they are married to now, not necessarily their relationship, nor even closeness to the bride or groom. In that respect, they are there to accompany their spouses, not to take part in the ceremony.

Of course if there IS a special relationship then it is natural that the step-parents are invited, but it is still an honour. It is lovely and testament to the step parents if a marrying couple wouldn't dream of not including their step parents, but not all family dynamics are alike.

At the very best of times, Seating plans are the 8th circle of hell.

RunAwayWife · 11/07/2011 21:24

You and the EX wife's partner should be sat close to but not at the top table as you are not the parents of the groom

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