Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is weird/ controlling to make your children ask for food?

328 replies

RevoltingPeasant · 06/07/2011 16:42

This is not a thread about a thread, but rather inspired by comments made on a couple of threads over the last few weeks.

Disclaimer: I don't have children yet.

Recently, I have seen a bunch of people saying things like, 'My children don't snack between meals' or 'In my house, children don't take food, they have to ask first'. (The latter comment was about a 13yo.)

Maybe because I am not a mum yet, but I find this hugely draconian and controlling. I don't mean young children: obviously a 4yo is going to eat all the chocolate buttons she can get her grubby mitts on. And I don't mean letting DCs eat whatever they want, whenever. But I have seen people saying that kids of 11-12-13-14 have to ask before getting a snack - I am Shock at this.

When I was 10+ yo, I'd just get a snack if I wanted one. If I started eating lots of crisps/ cake, my mum would've told me no - but the idea that you have to go and beg permission before grabbing a piece of toast or some raisins is just weird and really icky to me!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Laquitar · 08/07/2011 00:42

minipie if i was in the middle of cooking and they ate cheese, salad, hummus, fruit, it wouldn't bother me at all. I would put the dinner in the fridge for next day or in the freezer for a 'lazy no-cooking day' next week. I don't feel like 'i cooked it so you have to eat it' as if my cooking is rejected but i do have a big freezer so nothing is wasted.

I do get your point that they might eat only one group of food in which case i agree with you i wouldn't be happy and i would have to do something. I guess i'm over-optimist because i always loved fruit and veg and my dcs do so far. But they are not teenagers yet Grin

My point is that some parents get too stressed regarding food and it becomes a battle and there is too much emphasis imo on 'hot meal'. Some people think hot meal=healthy V cold 'snacky' food= unhealthy. But i don't see why for example a shepherds pie served with chips and ketchup (hot, home made dinner) is healthier than cheese or ham sandwitch, with cherry tomatoes, hummus and melon. Or beans on toast and a boiled egg followed by apple or banana. Or toast with cold lentil pate and salad.

royaljelly · 08/07/2011 01:04

Teens + fridge + asking for trouble. Younger kids not so much. But ......... considering I go to the time and effort of preparing meals if they want a snack they ask. The answer is usually yes or no depending on how long dinner will be.

I don't make 2 - 3 meals for dinner. If it's ready and your not hungry then tough , don't come complaining to me later that you are 'starving'.

iscream · 08/07/2011 03:47

If they learn to ask when small, they will automatically know by the time they are teens what is allowed. My oldest would heat up a can of ravioli after school and still eat his dinner. My kids could help themselves to the snack foods as long as they didn't ruin their appetite for a main meal. They didn't have to ask, but they knew 1 yogurt a day, or 1 granola bar type of deal.

mrsbiscuits · 08/07/2011 07:10

I don't think its "draconian" at all just polite. DS1 would clear the biscuit tin at each sitting if he was allowed too and sorry but eating should not be an unconscious act that is used to relieve boredom, even kids ought to think about the food they eat and not just have because it's there. I don't keep sweets and crisps and stuff in the house anyway, but I don't think it does any harm expecting a "please may I have ......, " in advance of grabbing something from the fruit bowl or out of the biscuit tin. They have to ask for yogurts etc. because the fridge is too high up for them to reach anyway Wink

youarekidding · 08/07/2011 07:34

I don't know anyone who allows their DC's to help themselves.

I know people who allow snacking to different degrees though. Some allow cheese strings, crisps, chocolate, sweets etc whenever its asked for. 1 of these has DC's who rarely finish a meal astheir full and are snacking 5 minutes later.

I allow snacks - fruitbowl is always open. I will limit what DS has. For example 10/11 am a cereal bar and fruit is fine, 11.50am when I'm making lunch he can wait - for example if at this time he asks for crisps he would get them with lunch. He is allowed biscuits and crisps in moderation. He has only just decided he likes crisps (he's 6!) so he doesn't ask often.

I guess it depends on the child as well? For example DS had cheese on toast today for breakfast, he didn't want dinner last night and just had a yoghurt. Yesterday morning he had coco pops for breakfast and the day before salad. Hmm The food he wants varies and is always balanced so I've never had to 'control' his snacking but I wouldn't allow him to just help himself - he has to ask.

LoveMyGirls · 08/07/2011 07:49

I think it's good manners to ask before you take. Yesterday my dcs asked for popcorn after dinner I said no because I'm saving it for after school treat for today to eat with a dvd, had they not have asked and just taken they wouldn't have had enough to go round later.

thumbwitch · 08/07/2011 07:50

As DS is still under 4, he has to ask anyway because he can't reach anything and he can't open the fridge. But he has before now found a packet of biscuits in his going-out bag and demolished half of those before I got to him, so I will continue making him ask for food if he's hungry.

Currently he has 3 meals a day and usually a snack in the morning and one in the afternoon, one of which will be fruit and the other may be a biscuit or more fruit, or possibly olives and cheese (a favourite that he doesn't get that often). We tend to only have one cooked meal a day, either lunch or dinner, and the other will be more of the snacky variety.

We had to ask for snack food in our house, because we were always short of money and therefore food was on a budget - and it didn't result in any eating disorders. We were allowed toast without asking, but not an unlimited amount! I got told off once for having 4 pieces, and my brother for eating half a loaf in one sitting.

exoticfruits · 08/07/2011 08:03

If they learn to ask when small, they will automatically know by the time they are teens what is allowed

This is my whole point-if you sort it early and eat sensibly yourself then there is no problem later and you don't have to stress over it or have food issues.
They know automatically that there is a food triangle-at the base you can have any amount of fruit and veg and up at the apex you have a limited amount of processed food. e.g. they just take in without fuss that once you have had one cereal bar, or one chocolate biscuit, that is is for the day and you wouldn't go on to have a second.
If you cook from scratch I can't see why you would want to ruin the diet with trans fats, sweeteners, artificial flavourings, chemicals,colourings etc.
Why would you serve chips with shepherd's pie when potato is already part of the dish?
People make it sound as if it is rigid control and you are letting them remain hungry, restricting them to prison rations and setting up food issues for the future when nothing could be further from the truth. As a family you are eating sensibly and they take this in from babyhood.
A toddler is going to help himself to processed food, they can't be expected to somehow know that you don't have more than two sweet biscuits a day at the very most-whatever the age. Most overweight adults will be ones who snack and eat far too many crisps, biscuits etc.
If they are really hungry they can always make toast or have bread.

CheerfulYank · 08/07/2011 08:09

I sthink snacky foods for meals are okay sometimes, especially when it's hot. DS had carrots with dip, wholegrain crackers, cheese cubes, and cut-up fruit for dinner last night.

I will probably guide his food choices when he gets older...I used to nanny for a boy who ate everything, all the time. (I started when he was 9 and was with them for two years.) I mean literally everything. We would be playing outside and he'd go to the bathroom. I'd go to see what was taking so long and he'd be eating cake frosting out of the jar with a spoon. He'd sneak blocks of cheese. He ate boxes of cookies that were in the fridge in the garage. His parents were concerned because he was overweight, yet didn't worry about their two younger boys eating all the time because they were thin. I wanted to tactfully tell them that they would end up the same way.

I don't think I'll be standing over the refrigerator with a lock and key or anything, but I will give choices. DS ate a yogurt today and wanted another. I said no but grapes or crackers would be fine. Is that bad? Confused Yogurt can get expensive!

exoticfruits · 08/07/2011 08:17

There is nothing wrong in snacky meals-I only cook once a day. They do need to be taught what is appropriate. I would never have more than one yoghurt a day myself. If you practise what you preach there is never a problem. I doubt whether it would have ever occurred to my DCs that people would have more than one yoghurt a day.

ThumbsNoseAtSnapewitch · 08/07/2011 08:18

CY - I'd have done the same! DS is only allowed one, and then offered fruit if he's still hungry. If he's actually hungry, he'll take it - if he doesn't take it, then he gets nothing else.

exoticfruits · 08/07/2011 08:19

If you are hungry for one thing but not another, then you are not really hungry.

CheerfulYank · 08/07/2011 08:27

That's how I've always felt...if you're hungry, you'll eat it. :)

(Before I get flamed for that, yes I know that some kids have food issues and truly won't eat a lot of things even if they are hungry. I wasn't talking about them.)

exoticfruits · 08/07/2011 08:41

You do have to miss out things you don't like from the equatation, but if you are hungry for a packet of crisps but not a slice of toast then you are not really hungry.

Ormirian · 08/07/2011 09:48

"But i don't see why for example a shepherds pie served with chips and ketchup (hot, home made dinner) is healthier than cheese or ham sandwitch, with cherry tomatoes, hummus and melon"

It isn't healthier. It's fine. But I wouldn't be happy if I had prepared a meal that all of us could share, and one of the DC decided that he wanted to eat beans on toast instead. Or even (pigs might fly Grin) hummus.

Ormirian · 08/07/2011 09:50

"If you practise what you preach there is never a problem. "

Well that simply isn't true. Never a problem?

KaraJS · 08/07/2011 10:10

I still don't get what's wrong with them asking rather than just helping themselves, it's not like they're having to beg for food what harm really has asking rather than just taking ever done anyone

exoticfruits · 08/07/2011 11:20

Never was probably too strong a word , but it is less likely to be a problem. If a toddler, with no idea of nutrition, is just allowed to help themselves to whatever is in the house how are they ever likely to learn that you don't eat half a packet of biscuits at once, have a packet of crisps 10 mins before dinner etc etc.

berylmuspratt · 08/07/2011 12:45

My Ds is only 6 and can't reach the cupbard with things like crisps and biccies in it :)

He does ask if he wants anything like this or an ice lolly.

However, I have put the fruit bowl within easy reach and he can help himself to carrots etc from the bottom of the fridge. He will still ask if he can have an apple or whatever and then help himself.

perfectstorm · 08/07/2011 21:18

TBH the main thing that puzzles me about these threads is the idea that there's only one way to skin a cat.

If a method one family uses results in healthy adults who can self-regulate, eat generally well, and have a good attitude to nutrition - does it really matter, how they got there?

perfectstorm · 08/07/2011 21:19

Not saying everyone is arguing that only their way is appropriate at all, BTW. Just that that note has been struck at times by people with opposite approaches, and it interests me. It reminds me of the BLW/puree thing.

mumnotmachine · 08/07/2011 21:33

My kids have never been allowed to help themselves in between meals, they have always had to check if they can have it.
They can help themselves to drinks mind, but not pop
If we are going to be eating evening meal late they will generally have some toast when they come in from school.
We do not have dessert/pudding but they have yogurt/fruit/lolly if they want it- but only if they have eaten their meal.

They are only allowed one packet of crisps a day, sweets and biscuits rarely.

They both have packed lunch so I know what they are eating during the day.

My dd is slightly overweight, but I was exactly the same at her age and slimmed down once I hit puberty

I coulnt afford a free for all in the kitchen, there would be nothing left for lunchboxes!

PotPourri · 08/07/2011 21:33

Only read the first page. I find it bizarre that you don't think kids should ask for food. It's not theirs, why shouldn't they ask?

EmmaBemma · 08/07/2011 21:49

I hate these sorts of threads. "This is how I do things. Aren't I great? Why isn't everyone else more like me". Well, guess what? Some people do things you wouldn't do, because they think differently to you, and yet, somehow, they and their kids will probably turn out OK anyway. Amazing.

Naoko · 08/07/2011 21:51

I don't have children either, but I always had to ask, and it's so ingrained that now at the age of 25 I still do when I'm at my parents' house for a week... and my mum laughs at me when I ask her if I can have a biscuit :o

When I was little it was of course because I was too small to know you shouldn't live off cake and chocolate alone, but once I grew up it was mostly so mum would know what was still in the house and what had been eaten, and to keep an eye on what I was eating. 'Can I have an apple/cracker/carrot/etc' was never met with 'no' unless right before dinner or whatever, 'can I have crisps' is different of course.