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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is weird/ controlling to make your children ask for food?

328 replies

RevoltingPeasant · 06/07/2011 16:42

This is not a thread about a thread, but rather inspired by comments made on a couple of threads over the last few weeks.

Disclaimer: I don't have children yet.

Recently, I have seen a bunch of people saying things like, 'My children don't snack between meals' or 'In my house, children don't take food, they have to ask first'. (The latter comment was about a 13yo.)

Maybe because I am not a mum yet, but I find this hugely draconian and controlling. I don't mean young children: obviously a 4yo is going to eat all the chocolate buttons she can get her grubby mitts on. And I don't mean letting DCs eat whatever they want, whenever. But I have seen people saying that kids of 11-12-13-14 have to ask before getting a snack - I am Shock at this.

When I was 10+ yo, I'd just get a snack if I wanted one. If I started eating lots of crisps/ cake, my mum would've told me no - but the idea that you have to go and beg permission before grabbing a piece of toast or some raisins is just weird and really icky to me!

AIBU?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 06/07/2011 23:19

Registering my Shock at the tray, but also at the 2 meals a day!

What were the 2 meals? I am trying, but cant think which meal it would be ok for a child to miss, let alone to miss and then trough on sweets, crisps and biscuits before bed!

MindyMacready · 06/07/2011 23:19

fortyplus That was my reaction as well!

Bogeyface · 06/07/2011 23:21

And also Shock at

"My kids didn't start helping themselves to anything other than biscuits until they were late teens around 15/16."

Have you not heard of apples?!

FreudianSlipper · 06/07/2011 23:23

no i do not think you are

there are some very controlling parents about who feel the need to have to have lots of rules and regulations in their own home its bizarre. children are not born bad, they do not need to fear consequences all the time and its been the trend recently with the likes of supernanny (whom i loath with a passion)

i never ever say in my house blah blah blah its our house and i do not have a list of rules, i teach what is acceptable and what is not

and i allow ds to jump on the sofa :o but would discourage it when visiting others

Amieesmum · 06/07/2011 23:29

lol I have to control what DD eats - Last week with the baby sitter (i told the sitter to let DD help herself to anything to make things easier)
DD ate - 6 Frube Yogurts - 2 Bananas - 2 bags of crisps - a WHOLE cucumber - cereal - my sneaky stash of chocolate - and 3 marmite sarnies.

Bear in mind she'd had dinner less than 2 hours before and over a 4 hour time frame (1 of those hours she was asleep!)
No way could i afford to let her eat like that all the time, and she'd get stupidly fat! I don't mind her having a snack here and there, but she has to ask first or i'd have no food left in the house to feed her with!

crje · 06/07/2011 23:40

Agree with you, the parent does the shopping so don't fill your presses with crap and loosen the leash on the kids.
How will a teenager learn about moderation if they are moderated at all time.

btw-ive 2 teens,they eat 3 meals and snacks daily-they are always starving.

fatlazymummy · 07/07/2011 00:03

I expect my children to ask before they take food. That is because it may be something I need for part of a meal. That is the way I was brought up, there simply wasn't enough food for everyone to help them selves whenever they felt like it.
If people find it controlling then yes I suppose it is. That is because I am in control of the shopping budget and meal planning.

takethisonehereforastart · 07/07/2011 00:18

We were brought up to ask.

I don't think it's controlling as such. It helps parents keep a track on what their children are eating for the right reasons and it's polite.

When there is more than one child in the house it helps to stop the arguements about how she ate all the chocolate biscuits but only because he ate all the ice cream or whatever. At least if they've asked then the parent refereeing the argument has a better idea of who had what.

It also gives the parent a chance to say "you've already had two today, have something else" or "you are not having cake for breakfast" or "I need that for tea later, have this instead" etc.

My friend, who is widowed and has a fourteen year old son, tells me that she can unpack a bag of shopping and realise he has eaten something from it before it even made it to the cupboard. And he eats odd things, like a packet of croutons meant for the soup or the tub of chocolate chips she was intending to bake with. She doesn't so much object to this but at least if he asks she knows it's gone before she's halfway through a recipe and realises an odd but essential item has been eaten.

So to me, it's not about control, certainly not in a bad way anyway. I never felt that I was being controlled in a way that was meant to deny me from eating or drinking when I was hungry or thirsty. We were certainly never denied a meal or a drink, but we were guided to eat properly and as healthily as necessary. And I don't think it did us any harm to know that we had to ask for rather than take things or to consider that some things were meant to be shared and we couldn't just help ourselves to all of it because we felt like it.

Animation · 07/07/2011 00:19

OP - you are spot on!

manicinsomniac · 07/07/2011 00:26

I think it's very child and family dependent.

Mine can eat what they want when they want because food is quite frankly a nightmare in my house. I've had eating disorders for 11 years so generally eat after the girls are in bed because I don't trust myself to make normal, healthy looking meals that won't make them question me.

My older daughter (8) is a very reluctant eater. Anything that I can get down her is a bonus so I actively encourage her to help herself to anything she wants from the kitchen whenever she wants it. Even with that rule she's very underweight and doesn't have enough energy to get through a busy day easily.

My younger daughter (4) eats enough but is very fussy so, again, I let her take what she wants and just watch her to make sure that what she chooses is balanced.

We all eat breakfast and lunch at school anyway (I work in a boarding school and we live a 3 minute walk away) and also have dinner at school 2-3 days a week so home cooking is minimal, it's mainly snacks.

midlandsmumof4 · 07/07/2011 00:42

Manic.....you have an eating disorder-get some help. Your children are 4 & 8. Sounds as though you are enforcing your eating disorder on them Sad. Left to their own devices children will eat anything they fancy....

KaraJS · 07/07/2011 00:46

The think it would be rude not to ask because the food belongs to everyone not just that one particular child, sometimes ds1 buys himself stuff and puts it in the fridge/ cupboard, sometimes ds2 does the same, nether of them would like it if the other ate this stuff I suppose they just feel it's common courtesy to ask, they wouldn't take each others toys, borrow my things without asking so what's wrong with them asking before they take the food ?

differentnameforthis · 07/07/2011 00:53

Dd2 is almost 3. She would go through a 12 pack of yoghurt in 2 days if I let her just take what she wanted, when she wanted.

Dd1 is pretty much the same.

I can't afford for either of them to eat me out of house & home in 2 days. Many of the snacks we have in are for dd1 lunch for school, yet she would eat them all in a couple of days, which means that she would be at school hungry.

It isn't about control, it is about making what I can afford to buy last as long as possible.

manicinsomniac · 07/07/2011 01:14

I've had pretty much every form of help out there in the past!

In what way am I enforcing my problems on them?? I let them eat whatever they want, whenever they want it and make sure they go into the school dining hall for at least 2 of their meals 6 days a week in term time. They are left to their own devices and do eat exactly what they fancy - it just so happens that in the case of the 8 year old she doesn't fancy much and the 4 year old doesn't fancy much variety. Encouraging them to eat seems to take up hours of each day (it doesn't actually, it just feels like it)

Don't mean to sound defensive but I make every effort to appear normal for them and have never ever restricted any food or made any remark about any food being unhealthy. Yes, my 8 year old has problems but so do my mum, aunt and grandmother - genetic insanity perhaps!

Bogeyface · 07/07/2011 02:07

Manic, could it be that they dont have a very good attitude to food, particularly your older one, because they have never seen you have that good attitude?

God knows I mean no offence, but children learn by example and if you have never sat down with them to eat a good meal then they wont know how it works. It does sound like all of the women in your family have this issue, so rather than genetic it could be that none of your are teaching the next generation what is healthy.

How was your mum with you regarding food? Did she eat with you, make your meals etc?

garlicnutter · 07/07/2011 02:23

We had to ask when I was growing up. We grew up to have eating disorders. Most of the families whose children I've looked after keep dedicated boxes/cupboards/fridges/etc, stocked with things the kids can take - snacks; treats; cereals; fruit & veg. They know their guidelines and do it pretty responsibly.

garlicnutter · 07/07/2011 02:32

My post wasn't meant to imply a cause-and-effect relationship, btw. My parents were somewhat obsessive about diet control; I imagine the rules and our issues resulted from their attitudes.

cumbria81 · 07/07/2011 05:35

(Disclaimer: I don't have kids either)

and I agree with the OP.

As adults you don't raid the cupboards eating 10 gazilion packets of crisps, do you? Because it would be weird and too much. So why would a kid do that? Surely they'd just take what they wanted/needed to assuage their hunger and it'd be fine.

TanteRose · 07/07/2011 06:15

unfortunately, children are specialists in doing things that are "weird and too much" Grin

Grin at just taking what they needed to assuage their hunger!

I let my two (ages 12 and 13) get their own snacks within reason, but teenagers are sooo selfish sometimes. They really don't think that maybe someone else might like a yohgurt/banana/packet of crisps, and just polish off the lot.

glendathegoodwitch · 07/07/2011 06:36

i agree with lizcat - when my 2 get in from school (5 & 11) they would eat a weeks worth of grub in 20 minutes

our rule is after school they have a snack after they have eaten all of their tea they can then have what they want within reason

they can also help themselves to fruit or veg (tomatoes. peppers, cucumber) whenever they want and my daughter often will have her snack after school then eat half a cucumber (her fave food - weird child) and a piece of fruit and sometimes wont eat all her tea - my reckoning is i would rather they fill up on fruit and veg and only master half their tea than eat all their tea and snack on biscuits, ice cream etc......

it works in our house - my son is 11 and very slim and tall my daughter is very tall for her age but is just underr the 90th centile - im not worried as she eats way more than 5 portions a day just dont want her ending up like me - overweight from being a child!!!!

exoticfruits · 07/07/2011 06:42

I think that DCs do what you do and not what you say. They learn early on that if you have a biscuit you have one, or two at the very most. You don't eat just as someone is preparing a meal, that some foods are treats, you don't have crisps etc everyday just when you feel like it. You have to take account of what is in the cupboard, how many people are in the family and whether it might be needed later.
Food is a social thing, sitting down to a meal and having as much as you want and then forgetting food. I'm sure that most people just eat because they are bored.
I don't think that food should be made into an issue. There is no point in banning food and labelling it 'bad' or getting all upset because they are taken to McDonalds by a friend or they are handed sweets by a school birthday DC. As long as they have a balanced diet most of the time none of the above matters-you can relax entirely. However it does matter if they are grazing on processed, heavily salted and sugared food all day, whenever they feel like it.

Many DCs would much prefer to graze on these things all day rather than have a good home cooked meal and they have to be taught by example. Snacking isn't a good example. If you only have the type of thing that you want them to snack on in the cupboards-except for special occasions-there isn't a problem in helping themselves.

lambethlil · 07/07/2011 06:58

[hmmm].

Its called parenting.

lambethlil · 07/07/2011 06:59

Hmm even.

MakesCakesWhenStressed · 07/07/2011 07:00

God, I still ask my mum if it's OK to eat something when I'm at hers and I'm in my late twenties. Y'know why? Cos she's the one who bought it all and has plans for it. Nothing more irritating than going to make the dinner and finding essential items have vanished!

nooka · 07/07/2011 07:02

My dh was brought up in a help yourself to anything family and I was brought up in a meals are at particular times and you really don't need to eat in between them. Neither of us have food issues or are fat (if fact we were both skinny kids).

But it wasn't ideal visiting each other's families when we were home from university. dh would go to raid our fridge and I was horrified (he thought it was terrible if I said that we could only have plain biscuits, or bread and peanut butter, or apples, and milk to drink), and at his I was very uncomfortable with helping myself to stuff. It felt very wrong because everything in my parents fridge was there for a specific purpose (and I thought it was sad that they never ate together).

With our children (12 and 10) we are in between, I do expect them to ask, but usually the answer is yes. We don't have a huge amount of food in the house at any one time though (dh likes just in time shopping), and I have noticed that if i do buy bulk it seems to disappear twice as fast. The main thing I've noticed though is that when we had lots more money I was much more relaxed. Now if somethign has been eaten it won't be replaced so it's much more of a big deal.

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