To think it is weird/ controlling to make your children ask for food?

[RevoltingPeasant]

This is not a thread about a thread, but rather inspired by comments made on a couple of threads over the last few weeks.

Disclaimer: I don't have children yet.

Recently, I have seen a bunch of people saying things like, 'My children don't snack between meals' or 'In my house, children don't take food, they have to ask first'. (The latter comment was about a 13yo.)

Maybe because I am not a mum yet, but I find this hugely draconian and controlling. I don't mean young children: obviously a 4yo is going to eat all the chocolate buttons she can get her grubby mitts on. And I don't mean letting DCs eat whatever they want, whenever. But I have seen people saying that kids of 11-12-13-14 have to ask before getting a snack - I am at this.

When I was 10+ yo, I'd just get a snack if I wanted one. If I started eating lots of crisps/ cake, my mum would've told me no - but the idea that you have to go and beg permission before grabbing a piece of toast or some raisins is just weird and really icky to me!

AIBU?

Well may I respectfully ask that you wait until you have children before passing judgement

Then you will understand that growing children will eat and eat until there is nothing left in the house. And then eat the house.

There comes a point where you simply can't afford to keep replacing the food that gets snacked on all the time. I've had to institute a new 'ask before you eat' rule recently as we are a bit broke and 6kg of apples a week costs

beg permission? No. Ask the person who budgets and pays for the food, shops for the food, plans for the meals etc...yes.

can't see how that could possibly be contraversial.

Oohjar, what do your kids eat when they help themselves? And what age are they?

DS1 is 6yo and I can't imagine the day when he can be trusted to not eat lots of shite. I have a not very healthy basket, full of fruit flakes, raisins, apple crisps etc. He still has to ask before having any, tho, cos he tells me he's hungry 3 seconds after a meal.

I think it probably depends on the child(ren). Some can be trusted to eat a snack only when they need it, others would eat constantly and then not finish their meals.

i think there has to be a healthy middle-ground here.
If you make it clear that family food is family food, and instill into them an idea what's good and not-so-good to eat at certain times, then by the time they're 10, they should have a clue, i would have thought.

havign said that, when I was an older child, we used to help ourselves to all sorts of crap.
still ate our dinner and none of us was fat.
maybe that's luck more than anything, but I don't recall having to ask for food.
my big sister might have learned to, though - she once ate a block of fat from out of a monster munch packet, that we were sending back to Smith's because it was a huge lump of fat rather than a crisp. She regretted not asking if she could have it....

I've had to train DH to ask if he can eat something, though - constantly little treats going off, because I bought 2 and ate mine, but he thought they were both mine so didn't touch them.

YABU if you really think that only very young children would abuse the right to take snacks themselves. FGS, many adults have trouble reining in their bad eating habits - do you really think a 10 year-old will be sensible about it? It is, IMHO, a parent's job to keep an eye on what their child eats. Would you also let them go to bed whenever they want, watch whatever they want on television etc.? If not, why is it not 'weird/controlling' for a parent to make the decisions about these things too?

oohjar I think the point is you are an ADULT which is why you get to chose what you eat, vote, drive, etc and children are CHILDREN so do not get to make the same choices

I agree within reason OP in that they shouldn't have to beg or go hungry but total free reign can (depending on children and appetites and ages) result in the plague-of-locust effect which is very unsustainable.

I don't feel that food should be majorly tied up to a huge list of rules and regulations, with good foods and evil foods and everything weighted against your behaviour or anything like that and with major doom and gloom factors surrounding health and obesity and all that malarky HOWEVER, little kids if given free reign will take one bite out of 20 pieces of bread and leave their healthy nutritious dinner (or not actually then eat for days) and older kids and teens will majorly zone in on "moderation" stuff (and I don't necessarily mean moderation in terms of "calories/health" but actual expensive stuff that is appealing - like school lunch box stuff) - if it suits them. Teens can clear out a weekly shop in one 2 hour TV lounging binge.

So whilst I hear your general philosophy we tend to have a "help yourself/snack freely" corner with stuff like apples and a bag of nuts and a few bits like that (if they run out, they run out tough shit) and then if they are hungry they have to ask for certain things but generally if I just keep an eye on the content of the snack freely stuff, the meals get eaten and the snacks aren't major anyway. Its a bit chicken and egg though, they are all different, and it changes with age too.

Oh and its hard enough to keep your DH away from the damn school lunch stuff - my one wiped out a fortnights worth of sandwich filling in a 400g ham binge - "no carbs before Marbs" indeed

Mine ask first, even the 16 year old, doesn't mean I'll say no tho I do try to encourage the healthy options . If I let them help themselves I'd be making the pack lunches in the morning with bread and butter

I don't have kids but when I was younger I never had to ask for food, probably once I was in secondary school I could help myself but if I got daft my folks would've said something

If you don't want them to eat all the crisps/biscuits etc surely just don't buy them? I never have crap like that in the cupboards in general now

I like my husband to ask before he eats anything. It's a common courtesy so he doesn't end up eating something I've earmarked for something else. I assume the same would apply to my children as they got older. It's not about control, it's about having some idea what's left in the cupboards.

UANBU, OP.

My DTS's (now aged 23) didn't have to ask permission for snacks between meals, from about 7-8, as I recall. I didn't have loads of "family sized" bags of crisps/fun sized chocs etc as a matter of course, but there would be cake, yoghurts, flap jacks, fruit etc. Mine were always able to make a sandwich/slice of toast/bowl of cereal if they were hungry between meals. And as two sporty lads they often were! I don't get the need for such rigid control if main meals are being eaten, over what can be eaten and when and having to ask permission-particularly with older DC's. If there is an issue with weight/portion control (ie they would clean you out in a day if unfettered), then you address the issue of healthy choices/appropriate limits, separately.

YABU and when you do have children and discover at 8.30 all the packed lunch stuff has been scoffed, then you might understand!!

If I came home and ds and his friends had scoffed the ham I had in mind for the following day's lunch I'd be pissed off. This is why whoever isn't in charge of the larder ought to ask before they raid it.

But why should I not buy them sarsap? Maybe I want to eat them sometimes, or DH.

Amazingly I just say no to DD if she's had enough crap that day and she doesn't eat them

Love the turn the thread's taken to telling DH/Ps what they can eat

DD is only 5 so I do control what she eats, otherwise she'd graze non stop and be too full to eat her dinner.

When I was young I was allowed to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I have been very overweight my whole life and do not want the same to happen to my DD, so I will continue to control what DD eats until I know that she is sensible enough to eat a reasonable and healthy amount of food.

Aren't you supposed to be 'controlling' to some extent when it comes to children? I would have thought that was part of being a parent .

My DD doesn't go hungry and doesn't have to beg for food. But I do expect her to ask before helping herself to food int he house. I don't see this as overly controlling, more about basic parenting. I know if it is too close to a meal time, or if she's has enough sweets for the day. If she is genuinely hungry and it isn't right before a meal time I will allow her to chose a healthy snack, but not just take anything.

When I was a teenager, I asked my mum before I had anything, simply because we didn't have much money (ie sweet FA) and my mum planned out all the meals, so she knew what everything in the fridge/cupboards was meant for something.
If I had just waded in and grabbed whatever I fancied (even a packet of crips may be there to top a pasta bake) we would have gone without a meal.
I am thankfully not in the same boat now I have my own DS, but he still asks if he is hungry if he can have something to eat, and he is not yet 4. When he is at his nannys, she lets him munch on fruit, yoghurt and sandwiches all day, and he would do it here if we let him. If he wants a snack, he asks politely and he will get one in most cases (not 10 minutes before dinner!). If he asks for another snack, or more dinner/lunch/breakfast, again he can have some.

I think its out of respect really more than anything - not that he understands the concept yet but I do think its good to start teaching things like that at an early age.

When I was a teenager I always asked, partly so I didn't use something that had been earmarked for a meal and partly because I didn't necesarily know plans - e.g. it would be a waste for me to make myself some toast if dinner was only going to be half an hour, but a good idea if dinner was going to be another hour and a half. It wasn't so much asking permission, as checking whether it was necessary. I certainly never felt "restricted".

Mine are allowed carrot / cucumber stix, and / or one piece of fruit without asking.
Other than that they can have (if they ask and I agree) oat cakes, bread stix or similar between meals.
I will not give out snacks if I think it will 'spoil' their meal.

I AM MEAN.