to despair at my friend's lack of manners

[cremeeggsbenedict]

I appreciate this is my second thread on manners in two days, but it is a bugbear of mine.

My friend has just had a baby, so we popped over this afternoon (we were invited) to meet the baby and shower her with gifts. We took over 2 bottles of cold champagne, cake, chocolates and a sling and hat as a baby present. We weren't offered a drink or something to eat in the hour we were there (in spite of providing drinks and food) and, as she unwrapped the present I gave her she said "I already have a sling" and then bloody gave it back to me! I was brought up to thank people for a gift even if it is horrid/unnecessary/a duplicate.

In addition to this my sister provided her with a big pile of baby clothes as she's done with having babies, which I dropped over a few weeks back, and she mentioned these today, saying that she threw some away and had to send some to her mum as the colour had run between stripes - is this not unspeakably rude when it comes to being given a gift? I don't expect gushing thanks, but to be told that the second hand baby clothes that were given to her to help her out (and she is in a position to need a little help) weren't in pristine condition, and to have binned some - when they weren't rags/stained/crap - is just horrid, no?

So AIBU to think she's an ungrateful wotsit?

I'm really not trying to get into a PND discussion. As I said, I only mentioned it because I had used the term 'baby blues' and I didn't want people to think that I was referring to PND. If the OP finds out that her friend does have PND then I would hope that she would reconsider her feelings of annoyance. As it stands at the moment though, I can't see why her friend had to be so rude about the gift and why her dp/exdp/whatever he was couldn't have offered a drink. Or, "I know we invited you today but it's been so intense/tiring/difficult that we're really not up to it. Thank you for your presents. Unfortunately I already have a sling. Would you mind returning it or giving me the receipt?"

Well my experience would always cause me to give a new mum the benefit of the doubt in a case like this. Perhaps if I had 'relished guests' like a pp said she did I might think differently.

Jamie tbh this smacks of a thread a troll posted not so long ago about a baby shower where the pregnant lady was described as vile and selfish, spoilt and snobby and apparently literally threw gifts back at people at her baby shower and made them cry. Turned out the troll hadn't even been to the baby shower or bought gifts or spoken to the lady for months and just had a vendetta against the woman. The troll carried on posting about for 3 months even though none of it was real. As someone said on that post - people don't just react like that in real life - 'Babyzilla' as she was dubbed was so obviously far out of reality that it became clear the troll was trolling. If this isn't made up then the OP has definitely over exaggerated events IMHO.

"They could have been very tired/totally overwhelmed by new arrival"

The OPs friend INVITED her over, she didn't invite herself. Presumably if you are too knackered to be polite to people you either don't invite them to start with or you uninvite them.

WRT the clothes-was she just making conversation-& not criticising?

Re the sling-she was perhaps rude, but maybe thought easier for you to get a refund?

Her EXP was there.

Does that mean ex partner?

If so, was she just pissed off in general at him being there?

We all react differently after having a baby.

I, as already posted was a total git after having my first, luckily with 2 and 3 I was a much nicer person and coped a lot better just after the birth.

I apologised to my sister once I realised how twatty I had been with her, and maybe the OP's friend will realise that s he was out of order.

Hormones can be a total headfrig and I don't think its fair to expect everyone to be totally on top of their emotions after having a child, and yes I do think allowances should be made.

Clealy she should have been prepared to rush around preparing cake, and drinking bubbly she wasn't in the mood for just to please you, while you cooed over her baby dressed in previously provided rags!!!'

She's just had a baby - why should she be doing any running around after you? Sounds to me like she wasn't in the mood for wine and cake - but surely you are able to open bottle, cut cake and/or make tea.

And why pass on clothes in poor condition. Even poor people want to dress their new baby nicely. Maybe she's upset that you think so little of her as to give her clothes past their best yet think she should be grateful as she's hard up? That can be pretty insulting. I wld only pasd on baby stuff that's in nice condition.

Orbinator I remember that thread and think I might have posted - didn't realise it was a troll! Seemed quite plausible up to the point I read.

Maybe...

she's not drinking as she's breastfeeding?
she's avoiding sugar/cake as she has a yeast infection?
she thought you were a good enough friend not to take offence and she thought she could be honest with you about the clothes?
she's sleep-deprived and was a bit rude about the sling but should be forgiven?

quimble yes, it turned out she was being venomous because she had been shunned as a friend. She had heard there was to be a shower and a wish list and just went to town making up everything else. When the lady it was about found it she was completely shocked it had gone on for so long and people seemed to believe it, even though the lady literally knew none of her friends who had gone or had contact with her for months. The more detail that went into it (quotes from emails/texts, demands for a second shower, etc) the more obvious it became to most posters. These spitting contests are usually just to make the OP feel better anyway and should be taken with a pinch of salt, IMO.

Maybe she didn't offer a drink as she didn't want you to stay for too long. Having just had a baby, I wouldn't really want to be drinking champagne. Perhaps she was hoping you'd literally pop in for five minutes.

If not, then you'd have thought she'd have said about making yourself a drink.

The clothes thing was a bit rude; if she didn't want them, she could have just given vthem to a charity shop and not said anything or if she had asked for them, she's being ungrateful and doesn't actually sound very nice.

Orbinator - Goodness! I remember that thread, didn't know it was a troll - how did that come out? just the extreme carry-on, or did the "babyzilla" find the thread and post on it?

OP, do you have dcs? It doesn't sound like it.

I think you had good intentions but as many have said post-baby you can say odd things/behave strangely. Forgive your friend, the newborn days are often very tough.

I didn't know the other present thread was a troll either! But it did sound incredibly far fetched and got completely ridiculous! How did she get exposed?

Does anyone remember the 'friend' of the OP who came on and said (paraphrasing) 'hello everyone, OP is a real sweetie and it's so appalling the way she and we have been treated but it's all true?'
Was that the OP doing sneaky namechanging/sock puppetry?

Yes, "Babyzilla" was pointed towards the thread on one of her own as other MN'ers recognised a few details and posted links to three or possibly four threads the poster had made about "Babyzilla". She didn't recognise herself in it at first as it was so far fetched but eventually realised some of the wishlist which had been quoted was hers but with made up prices and a few crazy items she hadn't asked for thrown in. The poster was exposed as a troll who had been trying to slate the pregnant lady on lots of different threads for months. She posted on the thread Babyzilla had created using at least 2 different names and went to bizarre lengths to pretend to be Scottish (phonetic writing!) and then concluded (using the wrong persona as she clearly forgot who she was meant to be) that her "friend" had had a fit and been hospitalised due to shock from Babyzilla's thread and accused Babyzilla of bullying HER! It was most odd and all played out in a very Jeremy Kyle way. Lots of fun to watch

You have to wonder where some people find the time!

Considering her EXP was there I am shocked you weren't asked if you would like a brew at the very least, and it was plain rude about the clothes!

The only thing I would say she wasn't being unreasonable about was the duplicate present - she already had a sling and would rather she had something she could use rather than two of something (particularly as it sounds like she hasn't got money to waste?). The way she handled it was bad but I think you should cut her a little slack for her baby brain.

Orbinator, did that include someone whose name started with a B? (the phonetic Scottish person?) I heard she was exposed as a troll too but not the detail.
Agree, can't believe some people have so little to do in their RLs that they can waste so much time on this stuff!

thumbnose I can't remember the names - There was a Polly and Dolly (they were sick sick sick ) and possibly a couple of other names she was using. It was a bit like watching a multiple personality disorder written out as a play and the lady who was Babyzilla got quite confused before we all pointed out what was going on. Imagine, writing threads with so much hate for MONTHS and adding to them almost daily with completely made up posts just to spur people on? I do wonder if Polly/Dolly was 'hospitalised' for head issues rather than fainting !

Anyway OP on this thread seems to have done a runner...

manners matter. But differently classes do it differently. And consequently they dont mix much

You can be effete or rugged. I dont think there will be a quick change in england/