Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

to despair at my friend's lack of manners

195 replies

cremeeggsbenedict · 05/07/2011 20:21

I appreciate this is my second thread on manners in two days, but it is a bugbear of mine.

My friend has just had a baby, so we popped over this afternoon (we were invited) to meet the baby and shower her with gifts. We took over 2 bottles of cold champagne, cake, chocolates and a sling and hat as a baby present. We weren't offered a drink or something to eat in the hour we were there (in spite of providing drinks and food) and, as she unwrapped the present I gave her she said "I already have a sling" and then bloody gave it back to me! I was brought up to thank people for a gift even if it is horrid/unnecessary/a duplicate.

In addition to this my sister provided her with a big pile of baby clothes as she's done with having babies, which I dropped over a few weeks back, and she mentioned these today, saying that she threw some away and had to send some to her mum as the colour had run between stripes - is this not unspeakably rude when it comes to being given a gift? I don't expect gushing thanks, but to be told that the second hand baby clothes that were given to her to help her out (and she is in a position to need a little help) weren't in pristine condition, and to have binned some - when they weren't rags/stained/crap - is just horrid, no?

So AIBU to think she's an ungrateful wotsit?

OP posts:

DumSpiroSpero · 05/07/2011 21:29

On a surface level I would say your friend was pretty rude or at the very least extremely tactless re the clothes and gifts. The drinks thing I'd let go...

Reading between the lines though you say you are fairly new friends and haven't done the gift swapping thing before and mention that 'she is in a position to need a little help'.

Could it be that perhaps your friend sees your multiple bottles of champagne and (I'm guessing) fairly expensive gifts as a bit patronising and implying you feel sorry for her or that she's a charity case?

I'm not suggesting that is the case on your part at all - I'm sure you're just trying to be a good and generous friend, but if she's a bit sensitive about her situation plus sleep deprived and hormonal she may not be seeing things from the most positive or rational perspective at the moment.

feed · 05/07/2011 21:42

It's not about the sodding presents.... it's a her baby!! You are supposed to be about her. Don't get her a present unless it's something that can be helpful.Be helpful not commercial!

ScarletOHaHa · 05/07/2011 21:53

YANBU

EXP could have offered a drink. If someone had brought 2 bottles I would assume one was for opening. An offer of soft drink/ tea isn't too much to expect imo. Maybe they had had a bad night and felt they couldn't cancel at the last minute? You only stayed an hour which is just long enough.

VERY rude wotsit with regard to gifts. I have two close friends that give me back gifts WTF. I just keep them now and do not replace.

Ormirian · 05/07/2011 21:53

"Don't get her a present unless it's something that can be helpful."

How was the present not helpful?

feed · 05/07/2011 22:08

To her! Not what you think is a lovely gift. This is the one time when being a bit practical and real counts more than all the online cool gift sites . She didn't want it...you were supposed to be helping ...bloody help ..it's a baby she's had not a second marriage.

kalo12 · 05/07/2011 22:12

yanbu, you were invited after all. i would drop her.

pigletmania · 05/07/2011 22:14

YANBU how rude. You just do not say things like that! I would refrain from giving her anything in the future, if thats how ungrateful she is going to be.

pigletmania · 05/07/2011 22:16

feed you must be the friend me thinks! I was brought up to be grateful whatever you receive, if you don't like it or want it, freecycle, E bay or charity shop it, don't bloody give it back to the giver.

pigletmania · 05/07/2011 22:17

and don't tell her that you don't want it, blooming rude

feed · 05/07/2011 22:23

To be honest most of you replying are completely hideous. To you a baby is obviously a special occasion rather than then a life process and therefore needs lots of money thrown at it. How did the idea that you make a perfect birthing plan , have a perfect baby ,all your friends bring the most appropriate present and everyone drink's champagne come about? It's not real! And to be honest would you not want your real friends and family giving you real help and the odd bits of clothing or furniture!

centrecourt · 05/07/2011 22:23

I find this pussyfooting round ridiculous. I've had two babies and both times I was perfectly capable of thanking people for gifts and making them a cup of tea when they visited. She sounds rude. Maybe she has baby blues (that said she should still be capable of being polite to visitors).
That said, maybe she found you a bit flash with your two bottles of champagne - she can't drink much if breastfeeding a newborn I guess. but no excuse for not saying thankyou.

Nanny0gg · 05/07/2011 22:26

"It's not about the sodding presents.... it's a her baby!! You are supposed to be about her. Don't get her a present unless it's something that can be helpful.Be helpful not commercial!"
What's commercial about a sling and a hat for heaven's sake?

feed · 05/07/2011 22:27

She didn't want it and you gave it to her. You ebay it, freecycle it etc she doesn't have time to bloody do it she has a newborn!

It's not about the giver ....for one time only

feed · 05/07/2011 22:30

She didn't want it.

Baby didn't need it.

Nanny0gg · 05/07/2011 22:31

Feed - you really think that is what the OP should accept?
So she has a newborn - she can e-bay it in a fortnight.

Common courtesy really has vanished now, hasn't it?

AgentZigzag · 05/07/2011 22:34

Maybe new mums should start putting a gift list together eh feed?

John Lewis would be quids in and it'd save having to return all the unwanted crap to your close friends.

Bogeyface · 05/07/2011 22:38

Feed as someone who gave birth 5 weeks ago I can tell you that they didnt throw away my manners with the afterbirth!

I have had some wondeful gifts and some that are....shall we say....less than ideal? But I thanked all the givers equally and appreciated the thought behind the gifts even if the gifts themselves werent what we needed or wanted. The point is that the people cared enough to give us something, its that that mattered, not the gift.

And yes, I was perfectly capable of making a cup of tea the day after I gave birth. I didnt forget that invited visitors would want refreshment and I certainly wouldnt have stashed bottles of champagne for later consumption and offered my guests nothing!

The Ops friend was rude and ungrateful and I wouldnt be rushing to give her any more gifts!

mauricetinkler · 05/07/2011 22:41

Sounds like a twat to me OP. Being tired is no excuse for being a bad mannered arsehole and handing presents back ffs.

pigletmania · 05/07/2011 22:42

feed I have had a baby once, 4 years ago, and pg with dc2, and there is noway in gods earth I would be so rude. Just because you have a baby does not mean manners go out of the window does it. You sound like a barrel of fun. I was grateful whatever I recieved, accepted it with good grace as it was given to me. With that attitude feed I am surprised you get any gifts.

pigletmania · 05/07/2011 22:42

Original poster

cremeeggsbenedict · 05/07/2011 22:42

Gosh, feed, I'm glad I didn't get you any gifts when you had your children. Obviously the gift I got her was thought out and wanted, as she'd already bought herself one! It's not like I bought her nipple tassels or similar!

It's not about the giver, it's about behaving appropriately - which is thanking for the gift and not handing it back! I've been given all manner of crap over the years and have not once thought it acceptable to give the gift back/express my displeasure.

I may have been considered flash DSS, I hadn't thought of it that way, I was just really excited for her and wanted to celebrate her baby being born, and in my world that is bubbles! Given our friendship, it's what she knows I would have brought!

OP posts:

pigletmania · 05/07/2011 22:43

Yes with dd being up all night, a nice glass of champagne and a bit of chocolate would not have gone amiss either

emsies · 05/07/2011 22:45

I'm really surprised at the responses here. Of course if its a new mum you don't expect to be waited on you when you turn up (isn't that Visiting New Mum 101 - I knew that even before I had a kid, and its in all the advice type books that you get partner to warn people to make their own etc).

Certainly I wasn't up to making tea for anyone for a few weeks after a nightmare labour and wasn't mobile for a while after the c section.

I hate it when friends tell you they don't like/need your present. A close friend of mine did this one Christmas, and since then I've just brought her chocolates - BUT I think they do it to be "honest" or save you money or some other logical reason to them but it does seem rude to me. Its how some people operate though.

I certainly wouldn't want you coming to see me after I give birth this time!!

pingu2209 · 05/07/2011 22:46

It is rude to hand your gift back and tell you about the 2nd hand clothes. However, I do think it was rude of you to expect any refreshments. I believe it is courtesy when visiting a new mum to stay for a short time, see the baby and then leave. You should not expect a cup of tea let alone a cake... even if you have brought a cake.

When I had my 2nd child my brother travelled for 3 hours to see me with his wife and 2 sons. They stopped at a service station on the motorway and ate there, they came to mine with bottled soft drinks for their sons and made themselves a cup of tea. They stayed 1 hour and then travelled home.

Of course they were welcome for longer, but they know that a new baby is hard work and few mums at that stage want to be entertaining or clearing up afterwards.

pinklizzie · 05/07/2011 22:47

Well it really depends - you don't know the full story - she may have had an awful birth experience.

It was touch and go for me but I didn't want to tell revisitors and revisit the experience - I lost a great deal of blood and was very weak - not that visitors noticed. My DH and I played hostess and was polite but by god it took it out of me and next time I would limit visitors and realise my limits.

I remember not having a seat at one point as we had a rush of visitors and just wanting to have a seat and feeling like I was going to faint. It also impacted me feeding my baby as I was attending to visitors.

I would always offer to put the kettle ask if I could do anything if I was visiting a new mum - they may not want chilled champagne. I wouldn't expect a new Dad to play host either. I would also make my visit short (unless the parents want you their longer) and just offer support.

I totally agree with the post form Yama.

Also I suppose you could have checked what your friend really needs first.

She may be ill, suffering from pnd or just completely knackered - I think you need to cut her some slack.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Swipe left for the next trending thread