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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to despair at my friend's lack of manners

195 replies

cremeeggsbenedict · 05/07/2011 20:21

I appreciate this is my second thread on manners in two days, but it is a bugbear of mine.

My friend has just had a baby, so we popped over this afternoon (we were invited) to meet the baby and shower her with gifts. We took over 2 bottles of cold champagne, cake, chocolates and a sling and hat as a baby present. We weren't offered a drink or something to eat in the hour we were there (in spite of providing drinks and food) and, as she unwrapped the present I gave her she said "I already have a sling" and then bloody gave it back to me! I was brought up to thank people for a gift even if it is horrid/unnecessary/a duplicate.

In addition to this my sister provided her with a big pile of baby clothes as she's done with having babies, which I dropped over a few weeks back, and she mentioned these today, saying that she threw some away and had to send some to her mum as the colour had run between stripes - is this not unspeakably rude when it comes to being given a gift? I don't expect gushing thanks, but to be told that the second hand baby clothes that were given to her to help her out (and she is in a position to need a little help) weren't in pristine condition, and to have binned some - when they weren't rags/stained/crap - is just horrid, no?

So AIBU to think she's an ungrateful wotsit?

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 06/07/2011 08:10

YABU about the food/drink, YANBU about the presents/ingratitude.

Although she is a new mum so she might not be herself, depends if she's like this at other times really.

RidinOnAPig · 06/07/2011 08:25

So if someone gives you something you already have are you meant to just smile and take it. I've always been under the impression its more considerate to tell them you already have one so they can return it and are not wasting their money.

AlpinePony · 06/07/2011 08:38

ridinonapig Yes, absolutely. You should smile and say something along the lines of "oh this is beautiful, really my taste, thank you so much, it's so kind". Then discretely put it to one side (away from grubby fingers!) and return it to the shop in exchange for something else.

pinkstarlight · 06/07/2011 08:40

the poor girl proberly doesnt know what time of day or night it is,could you have not said "shall i put the kettle on then."

from experience i found visitors very overwhelming after i had babies and very draining and was always glad when they was gone.i can remember a point where things got to much baby wanted feeding,dinner needed dishing up,phone was ringing and visitors knocking on the door i just burst into tears.

as for the baby clothes shes a new mum no mum wants to put their baby in someone elses soiled cast offs

RidinOnAPig · 06/07/2011 08:44

But AlpinePony, people rarely give receipts or tell you what shop they bought it from when they give you presents. I'd much rather somebody told me so I could return it than for somebody to later sell it on ebay/give to someone else/sit in the attic unused.

Just me?

AlpinePony · 06/07/2011 08:58

But isn't there usually a label attached? You could always say "wow! This is super, where did you get it?" - of course, if it's a duplicate - then you know where you got it anyway surely? Confused Most shops will offer an exchange if you've not got a receipt - particularly if it's a gift for a newborn.

DumSpiroSpero · 06/07/2011 09:05

Eggs I know what you mean, I like to spoil my friends and family a bit too when I can, but sometimes you need to put the brakes on and see it from the other side.

childfreeatm · 06/07/2011 09:15

Pinkstarlight - as for the baby clothes shes a new mum no mum wants to put their baby in someone elses soiled cast offs

Hahaha you big troll. All your baby will do is piss and shit and vomit in them anyway, and if they are washed they are fine.

Don't be such a MASSIVE snob you absolute idiot. Not everyone can afford new things, and as a baby grows to quickly anyway why waste a fortune?

thekidsmom · 06/07/2011 09:16

Give her a break! Why would she expect to drink champagne with not a moments notice - probably all she wants is a cup of tea! Why didnt YOU make the tea and cut the cake instead of imposing on her - that's not what friends do!

And as for the sling, its a strange present to choose unless its from a list - you only need one and if she has one already, she doesnt need another - tis the kind of gift where you ask first. And as for the baby clothes, if they were not in great condition, maybe she didnt want them - did she say she needed them? It may have looked to her like you were just getting rid of them on her for your sisters' convenience....

so I'm totally on the new mum's side, I'm afraid....

ShaggingProducesResults · 06/07/2011 09:17

YANBU

General manners should not go out of the window just because you are tired. It's not hard to say "would you mind helping yourself to a drink" is it?

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 06/07/2011 09:37

I think you could have offered to make tea for everyone TBH, but I can understand why you were a bit taken aback after her ExP took the bottles off you and put them away.

She was rude about the sling and particularly about the clothes.

I'd wait and see how she is over the next few months; you'll get an idea of whether she is overwhelmed and not herself, or is just a rude ungrateful person all the time.

pinkstarlight · 06/07/2011 09:53

childfreeatm calling me a troll lol says the one with such a aggressive attitude.

its each to there own call me a snob if you like, who cares.

childfreeatm · 06/07/2011 09:56

its each to there own call me a snob if you like, who cares.

If it's each to their own, why voice the opinion that "no new mum wants to dress their baby in soiled clothes"?

You clearly don't think that way at all.

pinkstarlight · 06/07/2011 09:58

oh come on in an ideal world they wouldnt would they

cjbartlett · 06/07/2011 10:00

Think it's weird taking 2 bottles of cold champagne to a new mum
You obviously expected her to
Open them as you'd chilled them already and she only wanted a short visit I guess

EmmaBemma · 06/07/2011 10:04

some of you are absolutely barking! Especially the person who suggested that this friend might be rightfully upset because the OP, having brought cold champagne, cake, chocolates and presents, didn't then ask if she should put the kettle on. Good grief.

childfreeatm · 06/07/2011 10:04

Pinkstarlight your attitude is appalling, the clothes aren't soiled, they are simply secondhand and probably barely worn given how fast a baby grows.

I would happily dress my children using hand me downs, even if I had money spilling out of my arse crack. As I said, the little ones only piss, shit and vomit in them anyway before growing out of them in 5 seconds. Nothing wrong with having some nice brand new outfits too.

If you had 2 kids, would you throw away everything number one had and get all new for number two?

EmmaBemma · 06/07/2011 10:10

Incidentally, i've had two babies and many visitors. It is nice that people care enough to visit and bring presents, if not always hugely convenient. Whilst new babies do tend to turn everything topsy-turvy, i've never been so tired that i couldn't make people a cup of tea or, if trapped under a feeding/sleeping newborn, direct them to the kitchen. It really isn't difficult.

pinkstarlight · 06/07/2011 10:11

childfreeatm your entitled to your oppinion.i actually have 3 kids i remember being given a bag of baby clothes by a friend and she wasnt the least bit offended that i just picked out the best.there could always be more to this story for an example my kids dad spent all his childhood in hand be down clothes he hated the thought of his kids doing the same.

Flisspaps · 06/07/2011 10:16

I'd much rather someone tell me they already have something than say 'Oh, how lovely, just what I wanted' and then stuffing it in a cupboard/ebaying it. I'd gladly return it and buy something that was needed/wanted instead.

WRT the second hand clothes, she didn't get rid of them all (you only say some) but threw away/gave to her mum some where the colours had run - where's the problem with that.

Definite YY to those who say offer to make the drinks when visiting people with a newborn. Not at all rude.

stillfrazzled · 06/07/2011 10:17

I'm dressing my DS2 in good quality second hand clothes from eBay, rather than cheap new ones. He looks lovely, it's cheaper and environmentally friendly, everyone's a winner.

Also to whoever said one sling is enough - depends on the sling! I own about four and still eyeing up new ones Blush

onehellofaride · 06/07/2011 10:21

YADNBU being tired is absolutely no excuse to have no manners. What about people who are ill etc they don't automatically become rude and ungrateful because of it. Far too many excuses are made for women who have just had babies (I'm not talking about complications etc). I would have offered to put the kettle on however I would have also expected a thank you for the gift. If she already had a sling she should have politely said that she had got one and would you mind if she swapped it for something she needed as she didn't want it to go to waste. If she really didn't feel up to making drinks etc she could have asked whether you minded putting the kettle on.

fanjobanjowanjo · 06/07/2011 10:24

childfreeatm your entitled to your oppinion.i actually have 3 kids i remember being given a bag of baby clothes by a friend and she wasnt the least bit offended that i just picked out the best there could always be more to this story for an example my kids dad spent all his childhood in hand be down clothes he hated the thought of his kids doing the same.

Thats great - you benefited from some secondhand stuff that you liked for your kids which is brilliant. There is no reason why you have to accept all of them if you don't like them (but be discreet about it in reference to OP!).

I am a bit confused as to your view on secondhand clothes being soiled though if you've accepted some yourself. You gave the impression that it disgusted you and you'd never do it.

This is Childfree - name change due to hilarious other thread.

fanjobanjowanjo · 06/07/2011 10:25

still-I'm dressing my DS2 in good quality second hand clothes from eBay, rather than cheap new ones. He looks lovely, it's cheaper and environmentally friendly, everyone's a winner.

With you 100% on that! :)

Ormirian · 06/07/2011 10:29

I loved visitors when my babies were small. I found the situation quite claustrophobic and loved feeling I wasn't stuck in a little baby-shit and Johnsons scented cocoon! if I didn't get any visitors I'd put DS in the pram and walk to find them!

The idea of someone turning up with champers and cakes would have been enough to make me very happy Grin Only thing you could have done to make it better would have been flowers. The present would have been irrelevant TBH