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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to despair at my friend's lack of manners

195 replies

cremeeggsbenedict · 05/07/2011 20:21

I appreciate this is my second thread on manners in two days, but it is a bugbear of mine.

My friend has just had a baby, so we popped over this afternoon (we were invited) to meet the baby and shower her with gifts. We took over 2 bottles of cold champagne, cake, chocolates and a sling and hat as a baby present. We weren't offered a drink or something to eat in the hour we were there (in spite of providing drinks and food) and, as she unwrapped the present I gave her she said "I already have a sling" and then bloody gave it back to me! I was brought up to thank people for a gift even if it is horrid/unnecessary/a duplicate.

In addition to this my sister provided her with a big pile of baby clothes as she's done with having babies, which I dropped over a few weeks back, and she mentioned these today, saying that she threw some away and had to send some to her mum as the colour had run between stripes - is this not unspeakably rude when it comes to being given a gift? I don't expect gushing thanks, but to be told that the second hand baby clothes that were given to her to help her out (and she is in a position to need a little help) weren't in pristine condition, and to have binned some - when they weren't rags/stained/crap - is just horrid, no?

So AIBU to think she's an ungrateful wotsit?

OP posts:
feed · 05/07/2011 22:48

She's a new mother. She has a brought a new life into the world. That is surely more important than a gift. And actually yes, common courtesy is that if you visit a new mum you don't bloody have a go because you brought the wrong gift or that you didn't get a go on the bubbly.If you want it open it..offer the new mum one and don't slate her. How horrid. I am very lucky that none of my friends are like you.
PS I did get 148 baby babygrows , 6 prams, 4 cots ,1 Lock up Your Daughters (18 -24 mnths)T Shirt plus numerous bottles, travel cots, blankets etc etc

hmc · 05/07/2011 22:48

I had PMT after both births but didn't render me incapable of putting the kettle on for a visitor or leave me totally devoid of manners....

pigletmania · 05/07/2011 22:52

The friend was in the wrong with displaying such bad manners re gift recieving, and the op was in the wrong to expect refreshments. She should have offered to make them for the new mum.

Original poster
cremeeggsbenedict · 05/07/2011 22:54

feed - how did I have a go? I was polite, I left and I asked if I was being unreasonable on here - and accepted that I was being unreasonable on the refreshment thing. It's not about the gift, it's about her response. We spent time going to see her, buying her things we thought about to help her, and being there for her.

Is a spare sling really that much of an insult?

OP posts:
skybluepearl · 05/07/2011 22:56

i always expected guests to make tea/make nibbles when ever i had a new born. isn't that what they say - only have people round who will help out a little. i'm sure she is sleep deprived and getting over birth - so it's not fair to expect her to play hostess. couldn't you have asked where the tea bags where and put a brew on yourself? I agree the sling/clothes comments were a bit off and she should have just thanked you.

feed · 05/07/2011 22:56

Just read a whole lot moaning at me. I was a single mum at and went into a hostel for the homeless for two years. What was really good was the amount of mums that gave me stuff I could use and didn't take offense when 3 other people had already given me the same thing. People really thought it through too as they knew I has no space
Truth is ..what mums really want is non judgemental help.

stillfrazzled · 05/07/2011 22:59

The drinks thing may not be a hanging offence if she's just post-birth and knackered (although I was able to put the kettle on once I got home post-CS) but rejecting your gift was just bloody rude.

Take it back, get a refund and don't buy her anything else with the money.

Bogeyface · 05/07/2011 23:01

I did get 148 baby babygrows , 6 prams, 4 cots ,1 Lock up Your Daughters (18 -24 mnths)T Shirt plus numerous bottles, travel cots, blankets etc etc

And how much of that did your throw back into the givers faces because you have the get out of jail free card of just having given birth?

If I had known that birth is a cover all excuse for rudeness, my MIL would be in no doubt as to how I feel about her!

feed · 05/07/2011 23:02

cremeeggsbenedict
UYBU to expect thanks because she has has had more than just a retail experience. I think you get this .Don't be cross. It is only worth whatever she makes of it and you will be worth so much more. Perhaps that's the bit you are not so keen on?

MonkeysInShoes · 05/07/2011 23:03

I wouldn't expect a drink, or a snack.

Some people can be a bit funny with second hand stuff, in a 'doing you a favour and taking it off your hands to have a look through' kind of way, so I'd let that go as well.

Handing back a gift saying they've already got one is a downright fucking ungrateful cheek. Sorry, but you don't expel all of your manners out of your vagina along with the baby.

Having said that, maybe you could stay mates and get past it. Be sure to remind her in a year or two, when you're having a laugh together..

'Remember that one time when you had that baby and turned into a right ungrateful witch? What a twat you were'

feed · 05/07/2011 23:04

Just read a whole lot moaning at my pots I was a single mum at and went into a hostel for the homeless for two years. What was really good was the amount of mums that gave me stuff I could use and didn't take offense when 3 other people had already given me the same thing. People really thought it through too as they knew I has no space
Truth is ..what mums really want is non judgemental help.

feed · 05/07/2011 23:04

Just read a whole lot moaning at my pots I was a single mum at and went into a hostel for the homeless for two years. What was really good was the amount of mums that gave me stuff I could use and didn't take offense when 3 other people had already given me the same thing. People really thought it through too as they knew I has no space
Truth is ..what mums really want is non judgemental help.

feed · 05/07/2011 23:06

Didn't send any back .all came in useful!

Original poster
cremeeggsbenedict · 05/07/2011 23:08

God, I will stay mates and get past it - it's not the end of the world, but I did wonder whether IWBU or she was. Not sure I'll phrase it quite how you have MiS though Wink

feed - we're going to have to agree to disagree. You think you're lucky none of your friends are like me? I think that I'm lucky none of mine are like you. It's nothing about a retail experience, it's about how one receives a gift - the answer is always with good grace. Always

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 05/07/2011 23:08

Having a baby doesn't make you forget your manners. Nor does being tired

Oh it does to me - I am a different person when I am knackered and sleep deprived! I still shock myself thinking how rude I was to the BOUNTY lady that visited the hospital Blush

Offer to put the kettle on yourself next time OP and cut her a bit of slack - if she's still being 'off' in a few weeks, address the issue then.

Conundrumish · 05/07/2011 23:12

She could be in the depths of PND for all you know. Sometimes when you have just had a baby, even washing up a few glasses is just another job to be done when you are tired.

I do think she was rude about the 2nd hand stuff tho'.

sassyminder · 05/07/2011 23:17

I had my DD 4 years ago.
Before the due date I made sure I had enough tea, coffee, soft drinks, biscuit & other snacks and even champagne, wine and beer to offer my guests.
I also needed a lot of help $$$ so I was very happy and greatful for whatever gift I received and I had lots of 2nd hands.
The OP's friend has no excuse to behave the way she was...maybe she does not like you and your sister OP, I would disappear from her for a little while if I were you...

feed · 05/07/2011 23:17

Bogeyface

A lot of these people were people I worked for. I was back at work as soon a s poss and took everything going. However if I made anything from my gifts I made sure it wet back to those who helped me out.
Cremeeggsbenedict _ Don't be upset by lack of manners .Do what you can to help. You have don't know how she is coping. A 2 hour walk is better then a sling most days!

NotJoiningIn · 06/07/2011 06:24

When one person visited me about 6 days after the birth of DD I went upstairs with DD and cried for the whole time they were there! I don't think you are in control of what you do and say when you are that tired and hormonal. I think forgetting to offer refreshments is totally understandable. As for the second hand clothes, I got rid of loads, no one's baby needs 23 dresses in 3-6 months size plus other outfits! But I hope I wouldn't refuse the sling in an ungrateful way. Although, it does seem to me that if they wanted a sling, they would have got one for themselves so I probably wouldn't have bought one- there are cheaper, more helpful things you can give/ do, I think. So... I think she was rude, but I also think a brand new mum can be anything she likes!

AlpinePony · 06/07/2011 07:01

YANBU.

However, this flies in the face of the "mn massive" whom last week declared the interfering step-MIL as being outdated etc.

Do we wish for manners or do we not? That is the question.

GilbonzoTheSecretPsychoDuck · 06/07/2011 07:17

I can't believe people are saying YWBU, I had both my babies by emcs, I collapsed and ended up in high dependency after ds and had dd in a country where I didn't speak the language after an 8 week labour. I still managed to offer visitors a cup of tea and smile and say thank you for any presents I got.

Your presents sound well thought out and extremely generous and I would be infuriated to have them chucked back at me in your position.

Maybe she could possibly be excused for being tired etc but she had someone else there to do the running around for her if necessary. I can't stand the whole 'I've just had a baby and am therefore rendered incapable' attitude. She WBVU.

BelleDameSansMerci · 06/07/2011 07:29

I also think your friend was rude - on all three counts actually. I could let the non-offering of drinks, etc, go as she may simply not have been thinking about anything other than the baby. That full-on focus thing is hard to see past, I think. Rejecting the gift and the comments about the clothes were just pure bad manners.

I absolutely agree that you always accept a gift graciously.

youarekidding · 06/07/2011 07:47

YANBU re presents.

Going into someones kitchen and making drinks isn't a no no IME of new mums.

I remember my neighbour (knew her but weren't 'friends' iyswim) came over one day, forced me to sit down, made me a beautiful cold drink, I was BF and she went into my bathroom rang me a bath. When I'd finished and winded DS she ordered into the bath and took DS for a quick walk.

We are now really close friends. Grin

RunAwayWife · 06/07/2011 07:57

YANBU at all, I would find new friends if I were you

marriedinwhite · 06/07/2011 08:08

If you are surprised by her behaviour, is she a really good friend or just an acquaintance? If the latter don't take it any further - if the former you may have both just come to the end of the road. She shouldn't have given the sling back and been rude about the hand me downs. You should have offered to make tea/pour drinks/make her a sandwich. I remember when my best friend had a baby. We worshipped for five minutes when they got home. The first day she was on her own - I dropped in with a plate of sandwiches (and two packed sarnies for the freezer) and a flask of tea - reloaded the dishwasher and hung out the washing. My baby was 12 weeks older than hers!