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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to despair at my friend's lack of manners

195 replies

cremeeggsbenedict · 05/07/2011 20:21

I appreciate this is my second thread on manners in two days, but it is a bugbear of mine.

My friend has just had a baby, so we popped over this afternoon (we were invited) to meet the baby and shower her with gifts. We took over 2 bottles of cold champagne, cake, chocolates and a sling and hat as a baby present. We weren't offered a drink or something to eat in the hour we were there (in spite of providing drinks and food) and, as she unwrapped the present I gave her she said "I already have a sling" and then bloody gave it back to me! I was brought up to thank people for a gift even if it is horrid/unnecessary/a duplicate.

In addition to this my sister provided her with a big pile of baby clothes as she's done with having babies, which I dropped over a few weeks back, and she mentioned these today, saying that she threw some away and had to send some to her mum as the colour had run between stripes - is this not unspeakably rude when it comes to being given a gift? I don't expect gushing thanks, but to be told that the second hand baby clothes that were given to her to help her out (and she is in a position to need a little help) weren't in pristine condition, and to have binned some - when they weren't rags/stained/crap - is just horrid, no?

So AIBU to think she's an ungrateful wotsit?

OP posts:
quimbledonsemi · 07/07/2011 10:40

Pelvic that must have been awful I think it's often the case on AIBU When the OP adds bits on to make them seem less U.
I had pnd myself and anyone who visited expecting drinks etc would have been sorely disappointed! Me and DH were both sleep deprived stressed to death and not the best company at all. I think there should be some kind of rule that when visiting new babies you stay for a max of 30 mins and make the new parents a brew on your way out!

Original poster
cremeeggsbenedict · 07/07/2011 11:18

Pelvic - I am sorry you are upset by what I have written here. I didn't do it to be bitchy or unkind, I did to ask if I were being unreasonable as I can be a bit highly strung and sensitive. I did accept quite early on that I was BU re the drinks and accepted that I was (I knew I was anyway as one wouldn't ask AIBU if you were certain you weren't).

To those who are calling me a bad friend, I think that is a little unnecessary. I was put out by her reaction to our gift, which we selected after much thought and piecing together things she had said over the last few months. I just wish she had been more gracious but accept it may have been her hormones/tiredness, hence asking AIBU rather than deciding she's not worthy of gifts/time/friendship in the future - which would have been an enormous overreaction. We have helped her out a lot of late time and advice wise (when she has asked for advice) so I think the bad friend thing is unkind.

I appreciate I was clumsy phrasing the "needing a little help" line, but she does need help and support at present, which she does get from me. I certainly don't see her as a charity case! We are at different stages in life and I would be (and have been) grateful when helped in the past by people in a position to - whether they have the time, means or expertise. Everything is either offered or a response when she asks for assistance - there is certainly no feeling of charity or superiority!

OP posts:
Ormirian · 07/07/2011 11:33

parallele universe on this thread...

Woman has had a baby. Friend turns up bearing gifts and provisions to meet baby and offer congrats. Woman (and partner) fail to offer drinks etc but more importantly tells her gifts are unwanted. Friend posts anonymously on an internet forum that she was upset by this treatment. And somehow this makes the the friend 'a bad friend' and nasty and vindictive?

I don't care that much for newborns that I would go out of my way to visit them for my own good - I go because I happen to be fond of their parents and I want to show an interest. If it really is such a trial to have visitors I might not bother in future Confused

fanjobanjowanjo · 07/07/2011 11:46

One thing this thread is doing is putting me off having a baby! Confused

ZombiePlan · 07/07/2011 11:53

Am Shock at the number of people who would say "Shall I put the kettle on" to a new mother. If anyone had said that to me I've been horrified. Firstly, I would have felt as though they were criticising my "hostessing". Secondly I hate people poking around in my kitchen so I would've felt obliged to jump up and make them one myself. If I'm being really honest, in that position, if I hadn't offered a drink it would be because I wanted the visitors to leave.

Re the sling, do you think she was just trying to not waste your money i.e. to give it back so you could get a refund? I wouldn't do it myself, but I can see how some people might think that makes more sense than keeping quiet and ebaying it for a fifth of what you paid for it (especially if she is short on money herself, as you say).

Bonsoir · 07/07/2011 12:07

The more I read the OP, the more condescending and nasty I think it is!

Original poster
cremeeggsbenedict · 07/07/2011 12:16

And the more I read of Bonsoir, the more I think she's a judgmental bitch.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 07/07/2011 12:18

The truth hurts, right? Wink

SoupDragon · 07/07/2011 12:24

It's rare that I agree with Bonsoir, but I have to say bitching about the manners of a new mother on one of the most well know parenting sites is rather mean. There is a very good chance that, like another poster, she will come across it.

workedoutforthebest · 07/07/2011 13:10

so OP, would you rather your friend creeped around you, gave you a medal entitled 'best mate of the year', thanked you endlessly for your generosity/presents etc and then bitched about you as soon as you flounced out the door. Stop being so precious. There's nothing worse than having to wear a fake smile when you're handed endless crappy baby things that you wouldn't even dream of putting on bonfire, let alone a baby.

Or she could just be tired....

waterrat · 07/07/2011 13:17

Cant believe you are annoyed that a new mum didnt offer you drinks - it probably didn't cross her mind> also - completely possible that while she was happy to see you she didn't think she needed to 'look after' you - she was in a whirlwind of exhuastion I imagine. Of course she should not be running around after you - or even worrying about you having a drink.

re. the present - as everyone says - she was tired, she wasnt thinking - she already had a sling! what did you want her to do?

also - very very normal to pass on second hand clothes if they dont suit - not at all rude actually.

I think you are being unfair on your friend - she was insensitive about the gift, but a big present like that - surely it would have been better to ask if she had one rather than just spend the money? She may have literally had no sleep at all - you have to cut her some slack.

I think it's mean of you to criticse the manners of someone who has gone through birth - and presumably thought you came to see the baby not drink tea and expect snacks!

re. the champagne -surely it was a gift? I have taken new mums champagne and told them to save it for whenever they can drink again - it probably didnt occur to her you wanted to crack it open then and there, Im sure drinking was the last thing on her mind.

seriously, you came on AIUBU but seem determined that you are not - so Im not sure why you are asking.

waterrat · 07/07/2011 13:20

just to add...I really, really don't think someone who has had a baby should be providing food for guests - I honestly think that is unreasonable. You were there an hour - that is a short visit - why would you need food?! That is a brief visit to see the baby - that's what matters.

I can understand why you were hurt about the gift, but as people said - she's tired, not thinking, she might have been baffled as to why you spent so much money without checking what she already had...yes, its a bit rude but...give her a break.

seriously I think your thoughts on food/ drink are totally odd.

OldBagWantsNewBag · 07/07/2011 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbwitch · 07/07/2011 14:15

"also - very very normal to pass on second hand clothes if they dont suit - not at all rude actually. "

But binning them is - and telling the donor (or her sister) that you have done so is. Which is what the OP's friend did.

smileyfacestar · 07/07/2011 14:27

Op, I think you did some lovely things for your friend and despite possibly being tired and overwhelmed etc, it costs nothing to be polite. Probably best to reserve your gifts for more deserving people in future.

Orbinator · 07/07/2011 14:42

Wondering if you have had kids OP?

I'm due later this month and the thought of someone coming over for more than an hour within a few weeks after the birth, even if I have invited them, scares me already! I know it has to be done, receiving guest who want to see the baby and check you are coping, but remember the reason you went over was presumably to show support and not find things to criticise.

Sounds like you really wanted that cake for yourself IMO.

MyMamaToldMe · 07/07/2011 14:53

To me it sounds like the friend was tired, and perhaps a bit overwhelmed by everything. I think the OP was very thoughtful in her gifts, and clearly cares for her friend, but perhaps a bit taken aback in friends attitude as she was expecting a different reaction to the one she got.

So OP - you are and you aren't BU. I just think maybe your expectations might have been a bit high.

Orbinator · 07/07/2011 14:59

One other thing - why are people obsessed with getting "surprise" gifts for new parents? It's expensive as a market (childcare/clothes etc) and the parents are usually doing their own research into what they would specifically like and budgeting accordingly. Turning up with your own idea of a nice gift says to me that you haven't considered that they know what they need or want and could be construed as rude in itself. Why can't people just ask? There are a fair few things that don't cost a bomb but are practical that I could use at the moment (more sudocream, nipple shields in case BFing is hard, newborn nappies as you can never have enough etc etc) - you really don't have to spend out on expensive gifts when you don't even know for sure if they are wanted.

GilbonzoTheSecretPsychoDuck · 07/07/2011 15:54

I cannot believe that someone who waited until they were invited to go round, turned up with gifts (I don't care what they were) and sorted through old clothes to ensure friend was given correct age and season could ever be considered unreasonable! Having a baby is not an illness. Yes you get tired, yes baby blues fuck you up for a few days (I'm not including PND, I'm talking about 3/4 days after birth hormonal down feelings) and yes, you get focused on one thing a lot of the time, but most people are still totally capable of smiling and being polite. I'm shocked at how many people think it's acceptable to give back a present in such a rude way.

OP, I'm really hoping this is because it's AIBU and people on here often disagree because it's fun to have a fight. Otherwise there are a lot of scarily rude people about.

quimbledonsemi · 07/07/2011 16:04

In my case visitors were a trial - but a necessary one as obviously family and friends want to see the new baby. I'm sure it wouldn't be the same for everyone. I have friends who seem to have coped amazingly well with giving birth/the challenges of a newborn (or they have been able to put on a good act) but I'm not one of them. The friend in the OP doesn't seem to be having a great time - she's just given birth, isn't with the dad, is struggling financially.
If I was you OP I would ask to have the thread deleted - a lot of new mums come on here for advice and your 'friend' will easily identify herself from what you have written. I assume you don't want her to know what you thought or you would have just said it to her.

quimbledonsemi · 07/07/2011 16:07

Gilbonzo how do you know the friend doesn't have PND? It sounds likely to me that she does.

JamieAgain · 07/07/2011 16:08

YANBU

JamieAgain · 07/07/2011 16:18

orbinator - that's irrelevant . Lots of us on this thread have had children and still think the OP's friend was rude and ungracious (some of us had PND as well)

GilbonzoTheSecretPsychoDuck · 07/07/2011 16:20

I don't know that she doesn't. I also don't know that she does. I'm reading what has been typed and telling the OP that according to her account she's NBU to be annoyed at the way her friend was.

I mentioned that I wasn't including PND because I wanted to specify that I wasn't calling PND 'baby blues' as I detest people belittling PND. I also get annoyed at people being excused any type of behaviour because they 'may have PND'. It's not a get out clause. It's a fucking serious condition.

quimbledonsemi · 07/07/2011 16:26

Yes I've had it severely twice so I am aware of that Hmm.
No, it's not a get out clause. I wouldn't expect to get away with a crime, for example, but being a bit off with someone - maybe if it was an understanding friend.
We don't know if she has PND but she has just had a baby and single parents are at an increased risk as are women with money worries.