Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to despair at my friend's lack of manners

195 replies

cremeeggsbenedict · 05/07/2011 20:21

I appreciate this is my second thread on manners in two days, but it is a bugbear of mine.

My friend has just had a baby, so we popped over this afternoon (we were invited) to meet the baby and shower her with gifts. We took over 2 bottles of cold champagne, cake, chocolates and a sling and hat as a baby present. We weren't offered a drink or something to eat in the hour we were there (in spite of providing drinks and food) and, as she unwrapped the present I gave her she said "I already have a sling" and then bloody gave it back to me! I was brought up to thank people for a gift even if it is horrid/unnecessary/a duplicate.

In addition to this my sister provided her with a big pile of baby clothes as she's done with having babies, which I dropped over a few weeks back, and she mentioned these today, saying that she threw some away and had to send some to her mum as the colour had run between stripes - is this not unspeakably rude when it comes to being given a gift? I don't expect gushing thanks, but to be told that the second hand baby clothes that were given to her to help her out (and she is in a position to need a little help) weren't in pristine condition, and to have binned some - when they weren't rags/stained/crap - is just horrid, no?

So AIBU to think she's an ungrateful wotsit?

OP posts:
greycircles · 05/07/2011 20:41

A few issues:

-I would forget about the lack of drink/food offered. They could have been very tired/totally overwhelmed by new arrival.

-Sling. Very rude I think. I would have said thanks and probably quietly eBayed it at a later date if it was a duplicate.

-2nd hand baby clothes. Rude as well, less so than the sling. I would have quietly charity shopped anything I didn't want.

Overall, it is unclear whether you actually like eachother. She has been very rude to you and sometimes people do this because they don't like you and want you to back off (not sure how this fits with her inviting you though). You in turn don't seem to be able to think of much/any defence for her actions which implies you don't like her that much either.

So in summary Confused.

Nanny0gg · 05/07/2011 20:42

She was rude.
Having a baby doesn't make you forget your manners. Nor does being tired.
They were invited for heaven's sake, so she can't have been that knackered.
And if you're too tired to offer drinks, it would have been fine for her to suggest that the OP put the kettle on.
As for the clothes - no excuse. Extremely bloody rude.

How well do you know her, OP? Has she been like this before.

AgentZigzag · 05/07/2011 20:42

If you didn't feel comforable getting something specifically you could have asked her if there was anything you could do for her?

But then given if you felt she was being rude I can understand you'd not want to give her more.

KirstyJC · 05/07/2011 20:49

No, I meant you are being rude about her now, here on MN, not necessarily rude then (I wasn't there so I don't know if you were or not). And tat being the clothes she chucked, not your sling which I'm sure was lovely (and a nice present too). Is it her first child? Many people are a bit PFB so maybe that was why she didn't want the clothes that weren't 'perfect'.

BUT - If I had been you, I would have said 'I fancy a drink, would you like one too' or similar, rather then sitting there thinking how bad her manners were. For all you know, she is sitting there now thinking 'wow, I thought she was a friend and she didn't even offer to make me a cuppa - how rude'. Bet she would be really chuffed you were bad mouthing her on here too. And if you were put out by her, which you clearly were, she most likely picked up on that - meaning she might have been more 'abrupt' than usual.

But then my family are different to you - no sooner have I opened my front door to them than they have their head stuck in the fridge. I went to bed for a nap halfway through the day when they came visiting my 2 day old (and one had travelled from London to Devon to visit for the day). That's what family and friends are for though - to be yourself around and not get all hung up on little things.

PelvicFloorOfSteel · 05/07/2011 20:51

I would have thought a non-alcoholic drink might have been better for a new mum, if you'd taken a bottle it probably would've been a small glass for everyone there, 2 bottles looks like you either expected a piss-up or it was a gift for her to have later when she was a bit less tired.

Maybe no other drinks were offered because she didn't want you to stay as long as an hour? You don't sound like you're particularly close friends and an hour can be a long time when you're struggling with bf/ wondering how the hell you're going to manage the first post-natal poo.

Sling and clothes responses do sound a bit rude.

If your friend is feeling crappy and this is what's making her rude/snippy, imagine how much worse she would feel knowing her supposed friend was slagging her off all over the internet Sad.

ggirl · 05/07/2011 20:52

YANBU
She is completely lacking in manners and rude to boot.

SoupDragon · 05/07/2011 20:53

It is never rude to say "Shall I put the kettle on" to a new parent. It is hardly "helping oneself" to offer to make tea/coffee is it?

As an aside, is she breastfeeding? It used to annoy me immensely to see others necking champagne to celebrate my baby when I was limited to a small glass. [bitter]

SoupDragon · 05/07/2011 20:56

'They were invited for heaven's sake, so she can't have been that knackered"

LOL! I'm sure the baby let them sleep all night the previous night just because he/she knew there would be visitors. :o

DoMeDon · 05/07/2011 21:00

YANBU re the gifts - sling coment was awful and the clothes thing ungrateful.

Re hospiatlity - you are being unkind (I know you said you wouldn't have mentioned it) but you took champagne which she prob can't/doesn't want to drink and you didn't offer to make her a cuppa, which I actually think is rude.

You say EXP - is she single mum with new baby? Maybe overwhelmed?

DoMeDon · 05/07/2011 21:00

*Hospitality

floweryblue · 05/07/2011 21:01

If I had brought champagne to my sis just after she gave birth, I would have opened it and offered her a glass. My champagne, up to her if she wants some.

Tchootnika · 05/07/2011 21:03

YABU.
She's just had a baby - cut her some slack pleeease.

joric · 05/07/2011 21:05

You were rude to expect her to play hostess.
She was rude to give present back / throw stuff away.
My mum does this kind of thing when given a present she doesn't want- she says 'oh that's not my colour' or the like and can't seem to pretend otherwise. I have told her how insensitive she is and and she is trying to be a bit more gracious.
My friend did it to me once and actually gave me the thing back to swop for something else. I love her and just said something along the lines of 'how ungrateful are you then :o ' some people don't know what to do/ say when given gifts.
I would have found it excruciating having a baby shower but some people love it. I also wanted to be on my own when DD was born and wouldn't accept visitors.. Unsociable maybe? I don't know.

sweetness86 · 05/07/2011 21:07

To be honest I do think she should of said thankyou and took the sling in good grace.
I remember though when my son was born my best friend and MIL sister bought the same outfit I told MIL sister 'ph he has one of these' I still kept it but MIL said it was really rude and why did I say anything I didnt mean too but it was baby brain on my part.

A thankyou is nice but reference the drink I wouldnt jump up to make someone after a baby . People came to visit me expecting me to make drinks even my mom and it did my head in . did she have a long labour? Maybe she isnt thinking straight and is tired I bet i was a bit cranky after childbirth etc it really drains you as you know.

Maybe give her a second chance ?

Ormirian · 05/07/2011 21:08

Yes she was rude and ungrateful.

Re food and drink, all she needed to say was 'thanks for the wine and the cakes! could you just get some glasses and we'll crack this open!'

AgentZigzag · 05/07/2011 21:10

Or even ask the OP to do it ormirian.

feed · 05/07/2011 21:12

Good god I can't think it has got to the point where someone has to point out manners at the birth of a baby. She's invited you round because your supposed to be her mate. She's gone through the most profound experience of her life and you think she should remember to be grateful for something you brought to make her life better and then plainly didn't? Wow.
My friends and family cooked meals offered sitting, helped themselves to wine,bubbly,tea and coffee.and put their flowers in anything they could find. They gathered so many bin bags clothes that I could pick and chose and no one even thought to be offended. It's a birth ..it's not about you.

Concordia · 05/07/2011 21:13

perhaps she'd been in hospital for 3 weeks with 2-3 hours sleep a night?
I'd let her off really, it is all a bit much having visitors when you've just had a baby. (i know you were invited)
it was rude to give the present back, but i'd let it pass. she could be in that depression slump thingy. save it for someone else!
and i wouldn't expect a drink from someone if i visited their house after they'd just had a baby.

Awomancalledhorse · 05/07/2011 21:13

Nanny0gg has said most things I'd wanted to write!
Yanbu, if she's up for receiving guests she's up for playing hostess.

Concordia · 05/07/2011 21:13

personally i could think about very little other than my baby in the first week or so and make no apology for that at all.

Ormirian · 05/07/2011 21:14

That was what I said. Wasn't it
No new mum should be expected to play hostess but it's nice if she can still make well-wishers welcome.

AgentZigzag · 05/07/2011 21:16

hehe I misread it ormirian, sorry.

Original poster
cremeeggsbenedict · 05/07/2011 21:16

Goodness, I will give her a second chance, and I do like her - it's just a side of her I hadn't seen before (never been gift swapping kind of friends, met fairly recently) but I was a bit peeved.

I accept that IABU re the drinks/food element, but I would have done stuff had she asked if anyone wanted anything, and her and the EXP had drinks when we got there, and I probably should work on the "shall I pop the kettle on" line... Thanks for the clarity!

The gifts thing has really bugged me though.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 05/07/2011 21:19

I'm always a bit reluctant to offer to pop the kettle on because it looks like you're saying they're rude not offering, and maybe they don't want to offer and want you to get off ASAP

So I can understand what you mean OP.

I'm in two minds Grin

Nanny0gg · 05/07/2011 21:20

The 'gift thing' was shocking and they would be the last thing I ever bought her.
And having a baby is no bloody excuse!

Swipe left for the next trending thread