to think that some split up families have it easy?

[24seven]

Some families that I know seem to have their cake and eat it.I know it must be hard living alone all the time but my DH works away all week so I am on my own with 3 kids, with no respite. The families I know share childcare in the week and have the DC only every other weekend so that means they have a social life - no worrying about babysitters twice a week and every other weekend free to do what they want. 2 of these women have new partners so their not sad and lonely.

And I think the kids are spoiled with material things too.

OP; you are right of course; some split up families have it easy. So do some together families. There are so many different circumstances, and all of us when we are down look at the positives to other people's situations, and wish....

I am very lucky. I am a single mum of 2 kids, who are 3 and 4. Their father comes round occasionally, often when I have nagged him about it, but would be utterly bewildered by any suggestion that either of them stays with him for a night or weekend or anything - DS has asked if he can go and see dad's house one day (he knows we used to live there, but he was very small when we moved out) so obviously pretty far from the norm. He doesn't contribute anything, but he was pretty expensive when we were together so I'm better off having moved out anyway.

Because of where I live, I can afford live in help, and I have been lucky enough to find an amazing one. She isn't perfect; nobody is, but she makes my life so much easier. There are times when she (or the 'being an employer' part of my life) drives me crazy; but there are times in everyone's life when they are driven crazy.

I had a friend here whose husband was working 6 weeks on, 2 off, in Afghanistan, so she was on her own with the kids for 6 weeks at a time, without help at home (she didn't work). She had it much harder than me, and though I miss her, it was absolutely the best thing for them as a family when he found a new job somewhere they could all move to.

But there are disadvantages, even to what I know is a 'lucky' situation. You have a responsible co-parent to discuss your kids with; you have a partner to love and who loves you - don't knock it :)

I don't think you ever said 'all' split up families have it easy; lots don't (I'm guessing most don't), but I'm not the only one I've ever known who has not had to struggle too much, even if I am the only one there when the kids throw up all over everything in the middle of the night, yet again. But everyone's situation is different, and I'm not sure why you should mind more that split up families have it easy than that together families have it easy? Anyway I'm sorry you are having to deal with what you are, and hope it gets easier for you soon.

I have 2 DC, with different fathers, and I have recently split up with the father of DD2.

I don't stop from when my 11 month old wakes up at 6.00am to when my 7 year old goes to bed at 8.30pm. And then I get to sit on my own every night.

DD1 spends roughly one weekend a month with her father, DD2 is not seeing her father at all at the moment so I never get time to myself. Just little things like going to get a haircut are a logistical nightmare.

I also have to spend pretty much all the time that my youngest is asleep working (I run a business from home). If I do decide to take half an hour out for myself, to come on the internet or read a magazine, I can't enjoy the time off as I feel guilty that I am not working.

Most of my friends with kids are in happy relationships and sometimes it literally brings tears to my eyes when I see them being all couply or spending time together with their kids and all getting along really well. But I would never in a million years begrudge them that - just because that's not the way my life has turned out doesn't mean that I want everyone else to be miserable.

So instead of feeling jealous of single mums, enjoy every second you have together as a family. I would give anything for my last relationship to have worked out and YOU are the lucky one, believe me.

I'm the child of a single mother with a husband who works very long hours, the 2 could never compare. My DH supports me emotionally and financially even when he's not here.

We were very comfortable before my father left and then after my mum had to feed us cereal for tea sometimes as she had no money. My dad used to have us for occasional weekends but would disappear when he had a new GF and sometimes just not turn up. My mum had no new clothes, no trips to he hairdressers and no real social life, she was on her own for years as how do you meet someone in those circumstances.

Dh worked overseas for 8 weeks last year and it was a (small) taste of what life would be like without him but that's without any of the heartache of being left for someone else, having to spend christmas with out your children because it's your selfish dh's turn to have them, see them spend the day with dh's new gf or financial problems.

If your that tired you should get your dh to have the kids while you go away with friends for the weekend or get your dh to take the kids camping or something.

A classic "my partner works away in the week so I'm like a single parent"

NO. YOURE NOT. in capitals there just to make it clear to you.

I get no evenings off. My DD is 9mo and has slept through the night once. So that's me up every single night (bar one) for 9mo. I also do everything in the day. Every piece of DIY. Every piece of washing up, cleaning, tidying, ironing.

In addition to this I do every bit of organising. I fight the CSA for money and will (soon) be fighting my EX in court costing me a huge amount of money, time and stress.

You know in the evenings when you're upset? Or down? Or a bit lonely? You have a DP to talk to. Many Lone Parents aren't lucky enough to even have close friends or family around to call and have a chat to or to help them out.

So. To conclude for you. YABVVVVU.

Not sure if I made my point strongly enough there??!

Sorry. Only just seen the "kids are spoilt with material things" ... My EX hasn't bought my DD one thing, not even for Christmas. I currently can't afford my rent due to fuck ups at the job centre/council and CSA.

So I'd be interested to know where you think people like me get the money to "spoil" our children??

"kids are spoilt with material things" I think she is talking specifically about those families that she knows, not in general. I must admit that I have a friend who is a single mum and they have every toy under the sun and go on holidays all the time to Disney Land! I don't know how she can afford it! I can't even afford to buy mine a pack of crisps.

I have to deal with my dd sobbing after her Dad tells her that I would buy her x,y or z if I loved her. I can't buy her these things unless I want to skip buying food or default on the rent etc.

come ON, no need to do a pile-on now folks

OP has said sorry

xstitch Aaah that's so sad! Why do exs have to be like that!

I don't think the OP is being completely unreasonable. Yes people live in all different situations single or married but from a personal perspective my life was more carefree as a single parent.

Eighteen years ago as a teenage single parent of one I had 2 sets of willing babysitters (Grandparents) and lots of willing childless friends.

Upside:Went out at least one night in the week and at weekend, sometimes whole weekends. Had a holidays abroad with friends (GPs used to take DD on hols and I would go away at same time), generally lots more 'me time'.

Downside: Less money/stability. No emotional support other than friends. Boyfriend traumas.

Now I am a married mum of 4

Upside: Own nice house, more money, someone to share responsibility with (sort of)

Downside: Virtually no opportunities for babysitters, partly due to SN kids (teenage DD struggles with them) and grandparents now all too old/unwell/unwilling. Very difficult to ever get time alone. Not being allowed to watch crap on telly without criticism :)

Overall I prefer my life now but I miss being able to plan a whole child free weekend or saying yes to an invite knowing finding a babysitter wouldn't be an issue. Me and DH do go out separately now and again but rarely together.

Only another 10 years or so and I should be able to start doing this again!

YANBU in certain circumstances...
My sister loves it. She got divorced a few years ago, when she found someone new, and now enjoys two nights a week and every other weekend 'off-duty'. Her and the boyfriend often go away for the weekend, or hit the town, with no worries of babysitters etc. She has three boys and is a full-time childminder, so she feels she deserves the time off and doesn't seem to miss her DCs when they're with their dad.
So yes, in her case she does have it easier than a non-single parent, in my opinion.

The thing is, when we have kids, none of us know what the future holds in store for us. We have no idea whether our relationships will flourish and become stronger after the arrival of children or whether they'll falter and break down completely. Any one of us could become a split household at any time and whilst some people have very supportive friends and families to help them out in the event of a split, others don't. The one thing we do know, however, is that from the moment we give birth to our first child, life changes forever. It isn't just about us and our needs any more - the DC's get top priority over anything or anyone and that's the way it should be.

And that's basically it OP. We all get dealt a different hand of cards in this life and some of us are luckier than others - that much is true. But we have to make the best of what we have got otherwise you may as well curl up into a ball and die now because it won't get any easier if you don't.

OP - if you are struggling and feel hard done by (and I'm sure you are having a hard time of it), then you must talk to your DH and explain to him how you are feeling. Ask him for support and discuss alternative arrangements to put in place - for both now and in the future. If he's worth his salt, then he'll help you find ways of getting some free time and search for a support system for when he's not there. You never know - he might even look to adapt his working patterns. Try and muster a positive attitude about all this, however tired you may feel; you have 3 beautiful kids, a husband and you are (probably) more financially stable now than if you were to split.

If you were to split, it wouldn't be the end of the world - you'd get through it, but even on your 'child-free weekends', it wouldn't be anything near as glamorous or liberating as you're imagining it to be. Those friends of yours may well be buzzing off their tits at their new-found freedom, but I bet they sometimes have to paint on a smile and brazen it out when their gas bill comes in and they still owe money elsewhere already, or they may have to swallow their constant worries that their ex-P might possibly be somewhere out there drink-driving with their precious DC's in the car. I bet they sometimes still sob themselves to sleep, just because they miss their DC's So. Goddamn. Much.

It'd be the same for you - even if you don't think it now, I promise you these feelings (or similar) would hit you at some point and it's so fucking painfully hard. Try and make the best of your situation as it stand and if the 'worst' should happen and you do end up splitting, then that's a bridge you'll have to cross if and when you come to it. I'm sure you'd cope well - you're doing it now. But I'm not going to lie to you and tell you it's easy.

We all made our bed's when we went through with that very first pregnancy. Now lets lie in them!

What a load of shit.

Does your DH love your DC? Well then you're luckier than a lot of us.

Why don't you appreciate what you HAVE got -or do something to change it if you don't like it.

How on earth does anyone cope without another 'responsible adult' around oh booooo hooo