to think that some split up families have it easy?

[24seven]

Some families that I know seem to have their cake and eat it.I know it must be hard living alone all the time but my DH works away all week so I am on my own with 3 kids, with no respite. The families I know share childcare in the week and have the DC only every other weekend so that means they have a social life - no worrying about babysitters twice a week and every other weekend free to do what they want. 2 of these women have new partners so their not sad and lonely.

And I think the kids are spoiled with material things too.

Lone not loan. *slaps forehead' Have loans on the brain .

Scans horizon for all those rich single parents out partying all the time, probably with their exes because its all so amicable. Nope. Cant see any.

Looks again for all of the above accompanied by children weighed down with 'gadgets'.

Nope. Still cant see any.

What a silly and VVU post.

Hm, I am inclined to agree with Animation that OP seems to be irrational due to being tired etc. I'm not saying that none of you single parents aren't tired also, I'm just saying that I don't think the OP would write the same type of drivel if she hadn't been really tired and perhaps also very bitter and upset. So I'm giving OP the benefit of doubt on this one.

OP, take something good from the reactions people have given here. Your comparison of your logistical arrangements with those of the single households you 'know' of is VU indeed. I think your thinking is fundamentally flawed and irrational because you seem to presume that if your dh and you were split up his work/life balance would change. Why do you think that? I'm willing to bet you'd find yourself a single mom with an ex partner still away most of time. I know you're not being serious about splitting up but I'm just trying to show you how irrational you are.

So why are you being so irrational? It must be because your deeply deeply unhappy with the current work/life balance of your family. Are your dc unhappy with their father being away so much too?

You should see if you could find a better solution for your family if at all possible as it sounds like you need something to change. Talk to your dh about it.

years ago i eventually shared care with ex-disasterous.
since then ive been a single parent always to my youngest dc.
my dc is a older child and its only in the last couple of years that ive got respite[sn]-so i spent years with no respite at all.
there was a time that i couldnt even go out the door with my dc at weekends/evenings/holidays-things were pretty grim.
we ve moved on from that now though and things are better.
although it is difficult at times-i do like being a single parent for all sorts of reasons and im relitivity happy.
having said this-yeah there is times when i wish that there was someone there for me/us.
what im trying to say is-everything has got its pros and cons to it.
but i guess its how you deal with the cons.
if you can deal with the cons it makes life better.
are youre children in school?do you get any "me"time?
do you have any interests?
have you spoke to youre dh about this?
could you ask homestart for some help?[is homestart still going?]
have you looked at all options to make things better?
looking at what others have/havent got will just make you bitter and keep you in the "same place"!

Dyu know what OP? I'm one of those people who you describe - I've had a lot of people tell me over the years that I'm lucky or that I've got it far too cushy. You see, due to our break-up back in 2002, my ex-P and I share custody of our little boy, which, due to working patterns means that I have him during the week and he has him most weekends.

What these ignorant fuckwits don't realise, as they spew their jealousy my way when they see me out in the pub on a Friday or a Saturday night, is that I've probably just been having a quiet little cry in the toilets because I miss him so much. It doesn't matter whether I have 'more opportunity' to have a social life than other parents when all I want is to be having a laugh with my kid, does it?

Oh, don't get me wrong - there have been many times that I've taken full advantage of my free weekends and been thankful for the opportunity to do so. But most of the time, I rather be hanging out with my son. But I can't.

If I wake up on a sunny Saturday morning, I can't just up and take him to the park or the beach. Fun stuff like swimming, bowling, going the the pictures, etc has to wait until school holidays. And as for my son, his friends are at a party this weekend - he can't go because he and his dad have already got plans. My DS has never known any different but he's still pretty sad to be missing out.

It effects my ex-P too. He misses out on school plays and sports-days and when my DS's friends have their birthday parties, it's always on a weekend which cuts into his time with DS. Financially, two households are always more expensive to run than one, travel is a logistical nightmare when the car breaks down and we do sometimes disagree on ways to raise DS, which can be fraught when you're not partners any more. Me and ex-P are quite friendly on the whole but there are still some things I wish he did differently and vice-versa for him I'm sure.

Yes - my son does get a bit spoilt materially by his relatives. But nothing prepares you for the first time your kid asks you; "mummy - why can't you and daddy get back together so we can be a proper family?" :(

...................................

OP - next Saturday my son turns nine years old. He will be on his dad's time that weekend (which is only fair - I've had him on more of his birthday's which fell on weekdays). I will see him in the morning to give him his prezzies, but after that his dad will be taking him out for a treat. I won't see him again until the Sunday night. My heart feels like it's tearing in half just thinking about it. I would swap my 'social life' in a heartbeat to never have to feel that feeling again. I wish I could magic away the pain that all members of split households feel at one time or another. But I can't.

Be careful what you wish for.

termfromhell.

OP, you do sound exhausted and in need of a break yourself....hope you can find a way to get some time for you asap.

Regardless of any practical arrangements you might see with families who have separated you might not be aware of the emotional turmoil involved in being a lone parent. Having to be responsible all of the time, being at the brunt of all the tantrums/fights etc from the kids, money worries, having to deal with everything alone because there is no-one there to tell about your day - it is bloody hard and completely exhausting.

Even a hug from another adult at the end of the day would take some of the constant stress away! It's hard to articulate, but the emotional strength it takes to keep going and putting on a brave face is more than I can sometimes deal with.

I sometimes look at 2 parent families and envy them, but I know deep down that no-one has a perfect life.

Never underestimate how much support you are getting just knowing that you have a DH at the end of the phone and home at weekends. Imagine if you didn't even have that...

Some of you make valid points.

I shall say it as simple as I possibly can - I am sorry for upsetting you. I just had a bad night last night watching this in evidence - I am an only parent from sunday night to late friday night, but I don't have every other weekend free to recuperate, do adult things (alone or with DH) and noone to help do the running around of kids to activities in the week. I haven't found a reliable babysitter so have to listen to my friends talk about cinema, theatre, pubs etc that I can't go to. \so yes, to me, in a snapshot of life yesterday, these women had the logistical side of life easier. I'm sorry if I have offended anyone, really.

Thanks for the few kind posters on this thread - you have opened my eyes.

And yes - ipod touches for 4 year olds anyone?

I think Termfromhell has just said it all absolutely perfectly. At the end of the day it is your and your DH's choice for him to work away. You no doubt receive the financial rewards of it albeit at the cost of your family life. You have a choice here. Lone parents don't.

Also, not all lone parents get time to themselves. My almost ex-H never has the children to stay overnight and sees them on one weekday evening (at my house) and one weekend day (his choice). The weekend day has now morphed into half a day as he doesn't arrive till 11.30 then has lunch here before taking them out for the afternoon. His choice. On the plus side it means I don't have to go through what Termfromhell goes through when her DS isn't with her, but on the down side I have all the responsibility for bringing up my DSes with virtually no "time off".

My children have virtually no gadgets other than a second hand Nintendo ds that was given to them to share and cheap MP3 players. Not that they need any more anyway. Neither almost ex-H nor I are stupid parents and we don't feel any need to "buy" their affections.

I know you said you were speaking about 3 specific families but I'll tell you now that they are NOT the norm for lone parents.

Actually my single parent friends all say they have it easier than me cos they get nights to themselves but it obviously depends on circumstances.

My husband works very antisocial hours.

What a bloody cheek.I brought up 4 dc's alone for many yrs and had no help from anyone,exh never bothered and didnt pay a penny,had a mortgage so no housing benefit.I had one wage,was responsible for all bills,all childcare,all cleaning,all shopping,all household bills,organised all the family holidays,parties etc.Not all "split up" families have it easy you know.You need to have agood look at your life and try to see some good in it instead of bad.

Nights to themselves? Yeah i always enjoyed sitting on my own every night i particularly enjoyed it when the children were ill and i had work at 7am.

What a strange thread. Yes some families have it easier than you, some harder, some are 1 parent some are 2. There are all sorts of families and people live different lives. So your point is what? If you're not happy with your life, I'm sorry to hear that, I hope you find a way to make it more like the one you'd like to be living.

"I am an only parent from sunday night to late friday night,"

No you aren't.

Why is everyone assuming these poor abandoned parents dont have partners?

Soup.

I am the only parent in the country in the house available to the DC from Sunday night to late fiday night.

Is that better?

fwiw, OP, I partly know where you're coming from. I can't comment re material goods, but all of the single parents I know have vastly better social lives than I do. I feel like scraping jaw up when they casually & frequently mention going out habits & child-free time. Heavily involved grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends. It's extremely far removed from what my life would be like if DH & I split up, I'm sure.
I presume I must be especially unlucky in having no backup childcare; if DH weren't here the only child-free time I'd ever get would be in school hours. As things stand we can't get a babysitter, would be even harder I imagine if I were on my own (I wouldn't even have the energy, never mind the money, to go out, for a start).

Absolutely no doubt about it that some lone parents are happy with their lot and their lives are easier than their coupled-up counterparts. Of course that is true.

24seven, I've done both versions of "lone parent" so I do know what I'm talking about.

I thought hard about how to phrase that Soup as I obviously know I'm not a lone/single parent for those 5 days - but I am the only one there for them and to do stuff for those 5 days. It seems you have taken offence from me stating a fact.

OP I would swap places with you ANY day. At least you have a husband/partner at the weekends. Try doing it on your own all the time, every day, every night, in a foreign country with no one around.

It is harder than a hard thing during hard week and leaves me in tears at the end of EACH and EVERY day.

Throw into the mix that ExP will not give me any maintenance for our daughter, nor bother much with her unless it suits him and you may be a little more understanding as to how truly lonely and horrible it can be.

It fucking sucks.

I think it can be easier for the rp in some instances. In ours, dh's ex wife has a partner who lives with her. Since DSS was a toddler, they have had every weekend (at least - as we have had him wed-monday and more recently nearly all the time tbh) free to themselves. they go oit, she gets to shop and keep the house nice etc.
15 years later, she has chosen not to have any more kids. DH and I went on to have more kids so I have NEVER had a child free day (my choice of course). Its been no hardship for her handing him over to his father and she gets loads of "her time".

Oh yes, and she has always had a "babysitter" in us but i have never had one myself.

You are more likely to seek out a social life as a single parent as you have nobody to socialise with at home,now i am married i enjoy having dh there to eat with,have a few drinks,watch a film or whatever we decide,i am less likely to want to go out with friends cos i dont need to.As asingle parent a night out for me was the chance to have some fun and adult conversation and maybe even meet a new partner.

Folks - the op has apologised several times for any offence caused by the thread. The op is clear that she is speaking about specific families known to her and she sounds pretty down tbh. Maybe an idea to put the pitchforks down now?