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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that some split up families have it easy?

188 replies

24seven · 02/07/2011 13:07

Some families that I know seem to have their cake and eat it.I know it must be hard living alone all the time but my DH works away all week so I am on my own with 3 kids, with no respite. The families I know share childcare in the week and have the DC only every other weekend so that means they have a social life - no worrying about babysitters twice a week and every other weekend free to do what they want. 2 of these women have new partners so their not sad and lonely.

And I think the kids are spoiled with material things too.

OP posts:
heleninahandcart · 02/07/2011 15:50

Ok you have apologised and thankfully realised the grass is not always as green as it appears. Everyone thinks I cope so well and this is the face I put on but behind the scenes, it can be a nightmare...

Walking your child to the child minder with a sick bowl in his hands as you cannot not go go work and hope it isn't that bad...

Someone 'having a word' with me about my work commitment as I could not attend an impromptu work meeting starting at 6.30pm. This went in my report despite working like a dog and getting good results.

Running terrified from the train station to the point where your DC is dropped off by school bus in the street as the trains are late (you already have 30 mins extra build in but play commuter train roulette everyday and the stress is unimaginable). Can't find a child minder to do the meeting in street.

Missing your DC class assemblies as a) you haven't been at the school gates to know about it and b) have another important pointless meeting which you are convening.

Having to find a babysitter for DC from SUNDAY night just so you can attend a ridiculous 8.00am meeting as the before school club isn't open at 7 am

These are just the work related issues of a single working parent trying to keep her professional job. Don't get me started on the domestic which comes on top, which you do have some idea of.

JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 02/07/2011 15:53

Yabu, I'd rather be dirt poor and keep my family together!

animula · 02/07/2011 15:55

sunshineandbooks is wise, as is bibbitybobbetyhat.

An aunt was a single parent. Because she had inherited a good amount of money, she was able to afford a nice house, in a good area, with a house-keeper, who looked after the children when she holidayed abroad without them.

A friend of mine has no such cushion, and I think it's fair to say she struggles a little more.

And I'm in a couple, but, sadly, we don't stretch to a housekeeper .

It's all differences and differences. The point, surely, is to not make general sweeping statements, to acknowledge what is difficult/pleasing in our own circumstances, recognise the difficult/joyful in the lot of others, to do our best when we can, acknowledge the places where things are difficult for us, and to offer support towards others where we can?

Bandwithering · 02/07/2011 15:56

Somebody posted this on another board recently.... bizarre thing to believe.

You must mix in glossy circles if the single mothers you know have 'no money worries'.. I don't own a home, I don't even have a car. I have to wonder how i'll find the money for braces and university and so on. It won't be from my x.

I don't think I have it easy, and not just in the realm of childcare. I am going through life 'on my own' which is fine sometimes, and I feel content and independent mostly but it can be lonely and a bit overwhelming at other times. I can see the advantages to having left my x. HOWEVER, I wish I'd had children with the right person.

If I have it easier than SOME married people it's because of help from my mum, which is nothign to do with being a single parent or a married parent.

Financially I am not a 'team' like couples with children. My x doesn't contribute financially.

I think any married woman who envies me must have a really bad marriage, and perhaps, she should leave her husband.

Northernlurker · 02/07/2011 15:57

Helena - in all fairness, working parents who live as a couple can also face all of those scenarios. I know dh and I certainly have done so repeatedly. Having two parents in the home at the same time does not mean every plate can keep spinning. I agree that the difficulties are mutiplied for lone parents - but they are for parents when one party is working away too. One parent working away all week doesn't necessarily spelll untold financial wealth either.

Original poster
24seven · 02/07/2011 15:58

Thanks for being gracious helen. Smile but the way I see it - many of those scenarios could equally happen to a parent with a partner who works away from the home - I think I've now realised (thanks to previous posters's comments) - it's not the marital status that means anything it's the level of support available. As other posters have said, I have no idea of the emotional ramifications of their situations, and I'm sorry if my OP read unclearly as to the fact that I was talking about some families who seemed to have the logistics easier than I do, because they have extra sets of hands available. Sorry again for causing offence.

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 02/07/2011 16:04
Bandwithering · 02/07/2011 16:09

People whose partners work away from home have a(nother) salary coming in to the household though. So you mgiht feel resentful, or lonely this weekend (again) but it's not the same as being overwhelmed by a financially uncertain future.

But seriously, If you're sitting down and thinking about it though, consider that even if there is a massive disconnect between you and your partner, you're STILL a team. He may not be there all week but together you're a team. Right now he's earning and you're caring fo

Maybe if you are thinking that life as a single parent would be preferable, then for YOU that mgith be right.

For ALL the financial worries, and that feeling of being slightly sidelined (kept at a distance anyway) by the oh so lovely mummies at the school gate, I do not regret splitting up with my x.

ChaosTrulyReigns · 02/07/2011 16:10

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follyfoot · 02/07/2011 16:11

My ex has never had his daughter once. Not a penny of maintenance either for gadgets....

EdwardorEricCantDecide · 02/07/2011 16:13

some do have it easier
some don't have it easier

i would think it depends on the family and their circumstances. [shrugs]

jugglingmug · 02/07/2011 16:35

I can see why you envy the split families that you describe...I envy them too.

The trouble is that very few lone parents are in the position of your 3 friends.

Many more are like me...ex has had the DC today, from 10-3, for the first time in 2 months. He has taken them to McDonalds, fed them Smarties and let DD2 have a sleep on the way home so now she'll be up til midnight. While they were out I worked my way through the washing and ironing, changed all the beds, mowed the grass, walked the dog, cleaned bathroom and kitchen and took the garden rubbish to the tip.

He has just dropped the kids off, and gone back to his girlfriend's. Now I need to feed DC, bath them and try to wrestle them into bed. They are over excited because super dad has bothered to do something with them for the first time in 8 weeks.

You may do this all week, but you have company, help and support over the weekend. I'm not saying it's not hard for you...I'm saying that it's hard for everyone (except the twunts that walk out on their kids and choose not to see them).

Perhaps if you offered to babysit for some friends, they would return the favour. I often have my DSis's kids for the night and they she will have mine if I want to go out? Because sitting in your house thinking how much easier everyone else has got it isn't helping YOU to feel happier.

xstitch · 02/07/2011 16:52

I can assure you I don't have a social life. I can't afford one. Dd does go to her dad's but I spend the time fretting about what vile things are being said to her this time. I use the time to do the house work and job hunt. OK admittedly I MN a bit hardly living it up though. My dd does not have an ipod touch. I am debating how I am going to afford next years school uniform and whether I will have a roof over my head by Christmas or not. Yep its great.

I have met someone now but because of XH we have to live a few hundred miles apart and rarely see each other.

What about juggling's idea re babysitting, would it work?

swallowedAfly · 02/07/2011 16:55

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ledkr · 02/07/2011 17:04

I think to be fair there are definately some single parent families that have it better than others.For example if childcare is shared and finances even or at lesst more fair.Because i had a mortgage i had no help with my living costs and a friend in a similar position but was renting had most of her rent and council tax paid,recieved maintainence and ex had the dc's every other weekend.
I think the op unwittingly opened up a can of worms here which enabled frustrated singles parents to have a good vent,probably much needed.It highlights an unfair system. Tax credits dont take into account maintainence or the lack of finacial assistance for housing so the difference in incomes can be vast even when earning similar wgaes.
In my oppinion tho there can be no comparison between 2 and 1 parent families when it comes to parenting.My husband works very long unsociable hours but i always know he,s on the end of the phone or coming home eventually,he can shop or clean on his days off or take the children to activities in the evenings or weekends if on days off and two wages are certainly better than one in most cases.
If you have a useless twunt who does sod all then its up to you to tackle that as you see fit.

swallowedAfly · 02/07/2011 17:04

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Asinine · 02/07/2011 17:05

Why can't you babysit for a friend so they can return the favour? Or ask friends to stay over with you and have a great night in? You are looking for problems, not solutions.

MrsKravitz · 02/07/2011 17:06

I truly believe my dh's ex had/has it far easier than we did/do.

swallowedAfly · 02/07/2011 17:09

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ledkr · 02/07/2011 17:11

swallowed afly oooo i remember sundays and bh weekends,the endlessness of it,nobody can even be bothered to speak on the phone cos with their partners,if you do visit it only serves to highlight how bloody lonely you are. I have my 2 single parent friends here often during those times as i remember it onlt too well,luckily dh doesnt mind.

molemesseskilledIpom · 02/07/2011 17:11

Ok, without going over old ground that we've already covered, there is one thing that hasnt been mentioned and it's thing I'm finding hardest.

Your DP/H may work away all week, but you still have that emotional support, that knowing that there is someone at the end of the phone you can talk to about all the mundane things, just someone you can have a moan to and when they get back, that hug that makes everything better, that hug that makes you feel safe, warm and protected where all the shit just vanishes, the one that tells you that you are not on your own.

LP's, single or in new relationships dont have that, and that's the hardest thing I have found. Everything else, money, work, childcare, illness, stress all gets sorted out eventually on it's own and although you may be really fucking proud of yourself for dealing with all of that on your own, there isnt anyone around for us to have a hug with.

It's not so much the big things that everyone sees from the outside, it's the little things that everyone takes for granted and it's these things that really get to us from time to time.

MrsKravitz · 02/07/2011 17:14

Sometimes its the rp (mother)'s CHOICE to have separated, not the dad's. Imagine that.

swallowedAfly · 02/07/2011 17:14

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Bobbinalong · 02/07/2011 17:14

I'm happier as a single parent than I was when married.

It's not easier, just different, definitely more peaceful.

Tortington · 02/07/2011 17:15

boooooooooooooo fucking hooooooooooooooooooooo op

' oooh my life is soooooooooooo fucking hard becuase i am in a relationship

what a fucking arse