to think that some split up families have it easy?

[24seven]

Some families that I know seem to have their cake and eat it.I know it must be hard living alone all the time but my DH works away all week so I am on my own with 3 kids, with no respite. The families I know share childcare in the week and have the DC only every other weekend so that means they have a social life - no worrying about babysitters twice a week and every other weekend free to do what they want. 2 of these women have new partners so their not sad and lonely.

And I think the kids are spoiled with material things too.

"I thought hard about how to phrase that Soup as I obviously know I'm not a lone/single parent for those 5 days - but I am the only one there for them and to do stuff for those 5 days. It seems you have taken offence from me stating a fact. "

Actually, I've not taken offence at anything. I am merely pointing out that you were being ignorant wrong.

As I said... I've done both. The working-all-hours-never-there H and the doing it alone. I know which has been hardest.

Realistically, the children's father isn't around a whole lot less than when he lived here. It is still a whole harder not having any sort of back up whatsoever, be it physical support or emotional.

Hatesponge Sat 02-Jul-11 17:20:15
I chose to separate from my Ex. Not much of a choice tbh, because he was an abusive arsehole who put me through the most miserable 8 years of my life.

Do I miss being in what passed for a relationship with him: No

Was my life, in financial and practical terms, easier when I was with him? Yes, undoubtedly.

Yup - I could have written the very same but with mentally abusive. Still is. I would happily dance on his grave if he were in one. But he's not. So I can't. But I sure as fuck will when the opportunity arises.

This, unfortunately, is my second time at playing single parent. But at least the first time round my ex husband and I had a half (still do) decent relationship with regards to our three children (all mid-late teens now). That is not to say it was a bed of roses, far from it, but we muddled through, exhausting as it was. My weekends without the children were one in 4 (long distances, small children), but were filled with catching up on household chores that just fell to the side when the children were with me at weekends while I tried to magic fun out of nothing and very little pennies.

This time it is so very different. My DD's father, despite being extraordinarily wealthy will give me nothing towards her upkeep. He will have her when it suits him and his busy life - y'know - retired, playing tennis, eating out, playing tennis, more eating out, lying by the pool, which works out at about 2 hours per week that he sees her. We live less than TWO minutes away and he can not even be bothered to come and say goodnight to her once in a while. This is where being a single parent is devastatingly lonely, in a foreign country where I know no one really (this is a whole other thread), and conversation from a 2.4 year old is somewhat limited to Peppa/Mickey/Pippin the fucking Dog means one's days can be horribly long, sad and quite soul destroying. I don't have someone at the end of the phone to call up and talk to - it's expensive to say the least - when I might just need it.

Please OP realise that your three friends are so far removed from the norm. MrsKravitz you clearly have many a beef with your DH's ex, for whatever reason, but that's not how it is with the majority, it really isn't.

What makes you think i have a beef with her? I dont.
You guys are certainly reading a lot of stuff into things. I was just describig the situation. Hell, I dont blame her, DH is a twat most of the time

I've had another read of this and I've realised something very distressing but nonetheless true.

My husband and I split because of his continued violence. They were a babe in arms and 19 mo at the time, as I said upthread.

I've had fourteen years of lone parenthood with no practical, financial or emotional support and no break despite life threatening illness. I look back and still sometimes wish I'd put up with the punches in order to put shoes on my childrens' feet.

That's the reality of it.

I haven't read the thread but I see where OP is coming from. When I split from DD1 and DS's dad he had them 3 nights a week so I had plenty of free time to do whatever I wanted which was handy as I had just started uni and could join in the freshers shenanigans. I could also carry on working evenings. I had much more social time then I ever did when I was with the ex.

Then I met OH and he has full residency of my two SS's, their BM never saw them so I can see the other side of single parenthood.

Some single parents have better set ups then others, just like all couples have different set ups.

FRom my POV, today, I might agree with the idea of the OP. I feel trapped and shit.

MrsKravitz Sat 02-Jul-11 15:01:53
I think it can be easier for the rp in some instances. In ours, dh's ex wife has a partner who lives with her. Since DSS was a toddler, they have had every weekend (at least - as we have had him wed-monday and more recently nearly all the time tbh) free to themselves. they go oit, she gets to shop and keep the house nice etc.
15 years later, she has chosen not to have any more kids. DH and I went on to have more kids so I have NEVER had a child free day (my choice of course). Its been no hardship for her handing him over to his father and she gets loads of "her time".

MrsKravitz Sat 02-Jul-11 15:03:03
Oh yes, and she has always had a "babysitter" in us but i have never had one myself.

Those two posts. Sorry if I have read them wrong, but to me moaning that she has a babysitter because her ex has his son at times is a bit of a beef, no? One might argue that before you and DH had children, when your DSS was with his mother you also had a babysitter?? I wasn't bitching BTW, just commenting on how your two posts came across to me. But a definite at twat DH comment!

Not at all. I wasnt moaning, just demonstrating how it couold have been easier for her. Didnt mean it to come across any other way.

BTW I meant "babysitting" in that we took/take him out of the usual arranged times if she needs us. I used the inverted commas because its not really babysitting is it, its his child!!

Muchas.

"DH and I went on to have more kids so I have NEVER had a child free day"

WTF?

You have a husband and father to your children who 6lives with you^. Why then have you never had a child-free day? Is your husband unwilling or unable to care for his own children in order to facilitate it?

Im happy to not have a child free day tbh. (mind you youngest is in school now so thats sorted)

I did mention he was a twat

"I did mention he was a twat"

I see! I missed that bit. :o

sigh I am not complaining. I CHOSE to go on and have children.

I am merely giving an example of how it may have been easier.
Clearly this is too close to home for some people and Im sorry for that.

TBH MrsK I think (for me anyway) that unless someone really does understand what it is like for single parents where the ex is an absolute arse, generalised comments will always upset.

As I said upthread - I have been a single parent before where it DID work and, while I didn't have endless party weekends etc, yes I got time to myself and I RELISHED it. But this time round is quite possibly the hardest time of my life - I am 40 and I've frankly never felt so damn hopeless at times. I cannot wait to move back to London from Spain in October, I really can't. I would far far rather be broke and lonely there, than broke and lonely here. At least I have friends and family close-ish there, which will make an enormous difference to my life, and that of my youngest child.

It is quite insulting to say Im just someone who has picked up another woman's baggage btw..so maybe we are all even

Swallowed You'll be very welcome! It does and it doesn't. I've sold my business here, but I'm in control until September, so will be busy with that. The older DC break up in a couple of weeks and will no doubt require my cook/cleaning/taxi services!! I've got various chums coming over in September for last minute blasts in the sun while they can and then we'll head back around the first week in October. Will be driving back so can potter up through Spain and France in whatever time I fancy, DD3 is starting at nursery school (or pre-school or whatever it's bloody called these days) after half term at the beginning of November, so I am quite excited that I will have 3 whole hours to myself to do everything or fuck all and anything 5 days a week when she's there during term times!