to not get why some women feel 'cheated' on when they find porn

[M0naLisa]

Now I know most porn threads turn into a debate and article about why porn is wrong on many levels. I understand that part!!

BUT what I don't understand is why some women feel like there husband has cheated on them when they find porn mags, websites, etc

He's not shagging those in the films/mags whatever, so why do women get obsessed when it comes to their bloke watching porn films/sites or buying mags?

Webcams allow communication and the possibility for the two people to talk. It is in no way the same as watching a porn film.

Because the woman can interact back with him its not to be tolerated? Is it because the OW now seems more 'real'?

One scenario is pre-recorded; one is live. I just dont see it a huge difference because ultimatley the intent to provide gratification to viewer to possibly orgasam is the crux of both mediums.

I really don't get where you're coming from Cocoflower - I don't understand at all. Have you ever used porn? Speaking for myself I can confidently say that when I used porn I never focused much on the people in the films - just what they were doing. I never gave any of them a second thought afterwards. It was the sex I was watching not imagining I was having sex with the people.

I am saying if the only difference is that they can talk to each other then thats not really much of a difference.

Either way dh is spanking the monkey to someone who is not you.

Some of the people he's 'spanking the monkey to' are men as they are in the film too.........so am I to start thinking he might be gay and I don't know? Of course not...

I can't say what your Dh is imagining of course, but it could be he is imagining he is the male in the film getting to have sex with the woman of the film. The male is channel for his fantasy involving the woman or the act.

Well, I do not imagine I'm having sex with the men in the film when I've used porn. And anyway, why are people not allowed to have fantasies about other situations?? You cannot keep your partner's brain and thoughts under lock and key that's ridiculous and quite sinister. I might have fantasies about threesomes etc but I wouldn't actually do it in real life because it would be messy. Everyone has private fantasies that possibly don't relate to what they might do in real life and perhaps ones they don't want to discuss with anyone else. Everyone has the right to private thoughts.

Sorry Coco, thats actually made me go

If you are happy about use of porn that is your private bussiness.

You do not see it as cheating. This thread is about why some people do view it as cheating though.

I do not see how people agree a webcam is cheating but watching a pre-recorded thing is wildly different.

Because a webcam is real life. It's really not rocket science.

But a porn star is still 'real life'! Becuase DH cannot talk to her in real time she isnt real?

She is still a real person, someone daughter.

It seems the use of porn can be swept away with its 'not real life' which is such strange logic!

Whether the use of porn is ethical is another matter, of course the people in the films are real people but they are not interacting with anyone outside.

As you said, the thread is about whether watching porn is cheating.

See I think it is something that people will never agree on. I think everyone should do whats best for them, and what they have pre decided as a couple. For instance when we have done camming I have not seen it as cheating or as 'real life' as such because we have not emotionally involved with the person(s), nobody is really touching and to me its the same as an image on the screen. We have done it back to couples and Im sure they view us the same thats why to me that and porn is not cheating. Again all depends on your personal boundaries.

I do agree that in some mainstream porn that women/men maybe coerced but that is not the porn out there. I also dont agree with someone saying their beliefs in masturbating to others/over porn etc is right or wrong as it is a grey area depends on how the couple view it, what they are watching etc.

Yes dora I agree.

If a couple mutally decide that porn is acceptable in their realtionship then it would not be cheating- just like someone I know who has gone into her marriage as an open marriage. She wanted an open marriage, so cant complain if her now DH has sex with the hot new girl at work.

But if one partner or both have explicit made it clear they do not agree to porn in their realtionship and the other does not remain loyal to agreeing to this I do view it a betrayal, disloylaty and cheating.

Everyone has different views on cheating but the bottom line is not doing something agaisnt what suits you as a couple.

If I woke up in the middle of the night and found dh wanking to some porn film or internet images I would be utterly disgusted. I would feel betrayed and very very disturbed that he would want to indulge in what I see as deeply misogynistic behaviour. Many moons ago we did watch some porn stuff together and both found it a bit meh really because it was such silly stuff (this was slightly dodgy stuff but nothing in the league of what porn has become now).

I also think it is very dismissive to say that women who don't like the idea that their partner feels the need to watch porn are insecure, or that that it is somehow terribly mature not to mind/care about it. I'd say it was the other way around. When I was younger I really didn't think it mattered much, twenty years later I know that it does. My experiences have told me that my relationship with dh is very precious, and also that it needs care and attention to flourish. Even fantasies can have their dangers.

"I also think it is very dismissive to say that women who don't like the idea that their partner feels the need to watch porn are insecure, or that that it is somehow terribly mature not to mind/care about it. I'd say it was the other way around."

Exactly nooka.

I think whatever floats your boat people get off to erotic fiction, fantasies about people in rl/celebs, porn and all things in between. Lots of people like the voyeur type of thing to. I dont think fantasies are dangerous they are normal and most people with a healthy sex drive have some form of fantasy as part of their lives.

Some people hide it such as their use of porn/toys or keep secret thoughts in their head however I like the fact that if it gets you off then I share it with my husband.

"I also think it is very dismissive to say that women who don't like the idea that their partner feels the need to watch porn are insecure, or that that it is somehow terribly mature not to mind/care about it. I'd say it was the other way around.''

How dismissive of you!

It works for some but not for others, I dont think there is any need to judge either way.

I think that where the use of porn becomes a big problem in a relationship, there are generally a lot of other problems in the relationship to start with.
Though I understand the ethical objections some people have to aspects of porn, I do not think it is acceptable for one adult to forbid another adult to look at films and pictures. Being married to someone does not give you the right to monitor and control their thoughts. A partner is entitled to disagree with you about an issue (whether that's porn, foxhunting, vegetarianism or which political party to vote for) and if the relationship is good in every other way (partner is kind, honest, fair-minded, attractive, generous-hearted etc) then you need to ask yourself if getting your own way is that important or if you are prepared to agree to differ.

I do understand how some people think that porn involves coerced people, but again 'porn' is such a broad genre it covers all types such as amateur, female directed etc. Some people get turned on by visuals, some by words, and some by a mix.

I think my views on the people I know all comes from the fact they feel insecure as they havent got the same body/looks as some of the people in porn and it threatens them. I also know men who feel threatened by the penis size of certain vibes, worries of what vibes do can they achieve the same? etc.

I think if that is the reason why someone objects then it is a self esteem issue. Also if someone feels threaten by the possibility of a partner even imagining someone else then that is a definitely a self esteem issue imo.

For me I don't find it a problem. As others have said, it's akin to having a fantasy. I think it's the easy, instant gratification to be had without emotional attatchment. I'd be a hypocrite to say otherwise because I've certainly had my fair share of fizzy knicker moments thinking about a (pre drug addled) Robert Downey Jr.

Luckily for me I told DH I didnt want porn in our realtionship right at the beginning and neither did he have any desire for it or want it.

Worked out well for us.

And if he had told you he didn't want you to read erotic lit or have a vibrator, for example, would you be cool with that?

Its nothing to do with self-esteem.

Its do with boundries. I see it that I am able to confidently express for what I believe to be true and not worry about it leading to Dh leaving me, labelling me insecure or a prude as quite powerful.

Something I did not possess in previous realtionships.